Bad conversation with in-law- do I say anything?

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nr1985

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Hi everyone,

This seems a little silly; but I just asked advice on a specific topic which my father-in-law deals with day-to-day- he runs a garage. So I ask a question about a repair I am trying to do myself- I can’t figure it out and it’s taking forever.

He’s often a bit dismissive over these things and was again today- I feel like when I reach out for help I wish I hadn’t. Today I felt I got lectured at and felt like I shouldn’t have bothered him- even though he wasn’t busy. Before, I’ve kept problems away from him and very rarely asked for any help. I thought- what the heck- and called today.

I just want to say something to my wife to get it off my chest- like- arghhh! “I’m so annoyed. Why don’t we get any help?! Other people ask for help and they get helped all the time”…blah blah blah.

I thought I’d bring it to the forums because I feel it would be Christian to just not say anything to her. Maybe I’m being un-Christian venting on here? Just wondered what people thought?
 
Ask her whether she “might feel comfortable” asking for you.

Say that you feel like you’re intruding on him, and don’t really feel right asking him for advice.

Let her ask about it. Don’t be mad; be disappointed. Frame it like it’s your problem not his. Like “something about how I approach him seems to annoy him, so I really would rather not ask myself.”

And make sure it’s “seems to annoy him” and not “annoys him” to allow yourself to be incorrect without blaming or being presumptive and wrong.

And don’t let her try to fix it like “I’ll talk to you with him.” If he’s already acting like a jerk that could backfire, and become an argument where she has to take sides.

Or ask your wife to “make and appointment” for you, and expect to pay for it. This takes you from “annoying relative” to “customer” status, and if he can’t treat you with respect then, then shake the dust from your feet, set him free of the responsibility of ever owing you anything including respect, and if you need a shop take it somewhere else.

Depending on the relationships involved, your wife may even approach him on her own and ask him why he doesn’t like you … without you even putting her up to it. That could be good or bad. With my wife and in-laws, it may even be “staged” that way. Hey sometimes you do end up having to “team up,” right? 😃

MS
 
nr1985 said:
Hi everyone,

This seems a little silly; but I just asked advice on a specific topic which my father-in-law deals with day-to-day- he runs a garage. So I ask a question about a repair I am trying to do myself- I can’t figure it out and it’s taking forever.

He’s often a bit dismissive over these things and was again today- I feel like when I reach out for help I wish I hadn’t. Today I felt I got lectured at and felt like I shouldn’t have bothered him- even though he wasn’t busy. Before, I’ve kept problems away from him and very rarely asked for any help. I thought- what the heck- and called today.

I just want to say something to my wife to get it off my chest- like- arghhh! “I’m so annoyed. Why don’t we get any help?! Other people ask for help and they get helped all the time”…blah blah blah.

I thought I’d bring it to the forums because I feel it would be Christian to just not say anything to her. Maybe I’m being un-Christian venting on here? Just wondered what people thought?
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The most ideal scenario is one where you do not complain to your wife or to anybody about your father in law. But you could speak to him very kindly about your feelings and take them to Mother Mary and ask her to move your father in law’s heart and to help you to heal. God bless you.
 
Hi MS…

Good advice- thank you! The idea seems to be to ‘change’ the annoyance I feel into something a bit more practical.

👍
 
My first thought is this:
Go to his establishment as any customer would for his professional help.
This would be the respectful thing to do. If he wishes to give his wife’s husband a family discount, that’s his prerogative. You are robbing him of the opportunity to help you guys out in the area of his expertise. He’s likely dismissive because you won’t treat him as a professional . He’s a guy with a garage.
One doesn’t burden our friends in other professions with many casual calls for free advice. Or do we? If we do, it’s bad form. Show a bit of respect for his profession and his attitude might change. A lot.
:twocents:
 
Hi Clare

I understand your opinion there. However, he lives a long way away, so actual garage visits are few and far between. Generally I have had to seek help here, but on occasions where we’re planning on visiting, I will ask way in advance. It’s always met with reluctance. I think the annoyance creeps in with my wife too, since people who live locally; friends; distant relatives, etc- will drop in without calling and have their cars looked at immediately.
 
nr1985 said:
Hi Clare

I understand your opinion there. However, he lives a long way away, so actual garage visits are few and far between. Generally I have had to seek help here, but on occasions where we’re planning on visiting, I will ask way in advance. It’s always met with reluctance. I think the annoyance creeps in with my wife too, since people who live locally; friends; distant relatives, etc- will drop in without calling and have their cars looked at immediately.
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OK, so he’s a bit cranky. Maybe it annoys him that you moved so far away. 🤷
*It might not have anything to do with the repairs at all. *
I’d just find a good, reputable mechanic nearby and don’t aggravate an already strained relationship. One day he will be gone, and you all will wish you’d gotten on better together.
I think if you shift your feelings from annoyance to praying for him and his personality, you might not stress over it, and he might relax a bit. Nothing to lose in trying, eh?
Pray about it.
 
nr1985 said:
Hi MS…

Good advice- thank you! The idea seems to be to ‘change’ the annoyance I feel into something a bit more practical.

👍
Click to expand...
You bet. You can be whatever you need, and if your wife’s on board it’s synergistic fun!

:nunchuk:

When in Rome do like a Roman. When elsewhere, stay under the radar. :whistle:
 
Is it just when you ask for help that he seems annoyed, or is that the way he relates to you in general?
 
If you are having car trouble and you go to visit him, you want him to fix the car? And when you set this up, do you put it in a way he can easily say no? Something like: My car has been doing X–I’d rather pay you to fix it when we visit, but if you’re too busy, I’ll get the mechanic here to fix it before we go.

And the same with advice: always ask if it’s ok to bend his ear and get advice. Hey, DIL, I’m having this problem with the car–do you have time to talk to me about it–otherwise I can call my friend.

People don’t really like saying no, so if we make it very easy for them to slide out, they are much happier 🙂 It sounds like he might be transferring his feelings about how the other relatives behave onto you, so try ti be extra-careful how you present it to him so he sees the difference.

I used to work in a car repair place, and what some of the people pulled would just amaze you!!! Calling up and saying, my car is making a funny noise which I can’t describe but can you tell me how much it will cost to fix? And cars have become so much more complicated that it’s very tricky to do things over the phone these days.
 
Thanks everyone for the great insight- I really appreciate it.

I think the point about transferring feelings about other relatives onto me might be the case.

I generally try to do as much as I can myself on the car. I set it up in a way that I had done most of the work and ordered the parts, but I was stuck. I asked if he had a bit of time on the morning we’re next up, I could pop it in and one of the guys could take a look.
He just seemed put-out and even though it’s weeks away saying it had to be there early, implying we’re lay-abouts (we’re not!) etc. I think it’s the transference thing for sure.

I don’t relate very well to him usually, but we have the occasional ‘moment’. I find him very difficult to talk to. He’s not talkative and we don’t have all that much in common. I always find myself trying to make conversation but end up saying something completely stupid! Lol
 
nr1985 said:
Thanks everyone for the great insight- I really appreciate it.

I think the point about transferring feelings about other relatives onto me might be the case.

I generally try to do as much as I can myself on the car. I set it up in a way that I had done most of the work and ordered the parts, but I was stuck. I asked if he had a bit of time on the morning we’re next up, I could pop it in and one of the guys could take a look.
He just seemed put-out and even though it’s weeks away saying it had to be there early, implying we’re lay-abouts (we’re not!) etc. I think it’s the transference thing for sure.

I don’t relate very well to him usually, but we have the occasional ‘moment’. I find him very difficult to talk to. He’s not talkative and we don’t have all that much in common. I always find myself trying to make conversation but end up saying something completely stupid! Lol
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This sounds soooo much like my own relationship with my father! I also found him difficult to talk to for the same reason – he wasn’t talkative at all. I dreaded being alone with him because there would be nothing but awkward silences with me desperately trying to find a topic of conversation. When I asked for a favour, I got the same reaction as you do with your FIL, a frown and begrudging agreement. Funny thing is, I noticed the same kind of reaction in myself when my kids (all grownups) ask me for a favour. In my case, it’s not because I don’t want to do it, it’s because I’m a creature of habit and a someone throwing a curve ball into my day takes some thought and re-planning. A while ago I realized my hesitation and seeming reluctance to say “yes” must look to my kids a lot like my own father’s reaction did to me, and that gave me a little insight into my father. He also was very much a creature of habit and probably the same processes were going through his head, and when I thought he was feeling put out he was probably re-calculating his day. I wonder if your FIL is the same way? Anyway, I just thought I’d share this in the off chance it might help. Good luck!
 
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