Bad experience with priests; advice needed now!

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I’m in a long term relationship with a Lutheran girl and we are working out what to do in order to get married. Neither of us are capable of converting at this point, so we’re looking at our options.

We decided we’d meet with one of my priests and one of her pastors (not at the same time 🙂 ) to discuss our options and also ask some general questions. She even made a very charitable list of some intellectually honest questions.

To set up the Lutheran meeting:
My girlfriend emailed a pastor at her church, who replied that she’d be happy to meet up and answer any questions we have.

To set up the Catholic meeting that never happened:
I left a message with a priest I know (priest # 1), and got no response.
So, I called my hometown priest (priest # 2) and he said I need to talk to my local priest.
So, I left a message with another priest I know (priest # 3) and it turned out that he is out of town.
So finally, we went to mass Saturday night and afterwards asked the priest there (that would be priest # 4) if he would be willing to set up a meeting with us to answer her questions and go over my options. He told us, and I quote: “I’m busy every night for the rest of the month. You should really talk to (priest # 3) about this. (Priest # 3) is out of town, though. Why don’t you try (priest # 2) instead?” Then he sent us on our way.

So, I’m sure you can guess how that makes my girlfriend feel about our Church. One priest didn’t return my call. Two priests blew us off. Meanwhile, her pastor went out of her way to go out for lunch with us and answer my questions for an hour-a-half this afternoon.

My girlfriend seemed to be having a much kinder opinion of Catholicism in the last few months (even kneeling with me in Mass) and now this whole experience just re-enforced her stereotype that priests don’t care about their parishioners. The excuses I made for these priests didn’t help either.

I’m so disappointed right now. I think she really is prepared to do what it takes to marry me and even though she won’t be converting any time soon (or ever) this is just one more thing that makes her think that Catholics don’t care. She was really offended by (Priest # 4) who did seem like he just didn’t want to have anything to do with us, even though he knew darn well that I was a practicing member of his Parish. Then he suggested I talk to my hometown priest who had already told me it’s not his problem.

And of course, now my girlfriend gets to tell the protestant part of her family (who already hates the Church) how unhelpful and unwelcoming the RCC was to her.

Great. Really freaking great.

So what do I do now?
 
Give it another shot. Maybe you’re just having a bad streak of luck here…
 
I assume you aren’t getting married in the next couple of weeks? Wait for Priest #3 to get back into town, call his office and set up an appointment.

Priest #1 may not have gotten the message. Maybe he tried you back but couldn’t reach you? Who knows. Maybe the poor guy meant to call you back but forgot?

Priest #4 might very well be swamped with commitments - rather than thinking the worst (he couldn’t care less) give the guy the benefit of the doubt.

Forget Priest #2 - I agree - you need to discuss this with your local Priest. (#3)

Hopefully it will all work out. Big deal that the Lutheran Pastor could meet with you. That doesn’t necessarily mean a thing - except that he isn’t as busy as the Priests. If your girlfriend thinks it means more than that, she’s just looking for excuses. Where does she get that the Catholic Church isn’t welcoming to her? Just because a Priest was out of town & another was very busy?? Tell her not to judge our ENTIRE CATHOLIC FAITH on one Priest.

Perhaps you should work on being more patient? Even your thread title is impatient. 😉
 
carol_marie said:
I assume you aren’t getting married in the next couple of weeks? Wait for Priest #3 to get back into town, call his office and set up an appointment.

Priest #1 may not have gotten the message. Maybe he tried you back but couldn’t reach you? Who knows. Maybe the poor guy meant to call you back but forgot?

Priest #4 might very well be swamped with commitments - rather than thinking the worst (he couldn’t care less) give the guy the benefit of the doubt.

Forget Priest #2 - I agree - you need to discuss this with your local Priest. (#3)

Hopefully it will all work out. Big deal that the Lutheran Pastor could meet with you. That doesn’t necessarily mean a thing - except that he isn’t as busy as the Priests. If your girlfriend thinks it means more than that, she’s just looking for excuses. Where does she get that the Catholic Church isn’t welcoming to her? Just because a Priest was out of town & another was very busy?? Tell her not to judge our ENTIRE CATHOLIC FAITH on one Priest.

Perhaps you should work on being more patient? Even your thread title is impatient. 😉
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Sorry, I wasn’t so clear. I’m not frustrated that these priests were unable to meet with us. I’m just frustrated with the situation. Mostly how it looks to her. To her, it looks like her pastor would drop everything and answer my questions where my priests won’t even give her the time of day.

She doesn’t hold anything against the priest who didn’t return my call or the priest who was out of town; just the one that pretty much refused to talk to us. Remember, we didn’t try to corner him after mass; we asked him to meet with us at a later date and he didn’t care to.

Oh, and when you say “Tell her not to judge our ENTIRE CATHOLIC FAITH on one Priest,” you are so right.

I went back and read my post… yeah, I could see why I sounded impatient. I just let my emotions get the better of me. :o
 
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http://forums.catholic-questions.org/images/icons/icon9.gif Bad experience with priests; advice needed now!
I’m in a long term relationship with a Lutheran girl and we are working out what to do in order to get married. Neither of us are capable of converting at this point, so we’re looking at our options.

We decided we’d meet with one of my priests and one of her pastors (not at the same time 🙂 ) to discuss our options and also ask some general questions. She even made a very charitable list of some intellectually honest questions.

To set up the Lutheran meeting:
My girlfriend emailed a pastor at her church, who replied that she’d be happy to meet up and answer any questions we have.
Well I think have a woman paster agree to me with me would have settled any doubt that I wouldn’t be getting married in that church. I guess that’s why she wasn’t busy. I am a Bible Christian and would consider my experienc, as sad as it may be, better than a woman pastor offering me council.

Peace,
John
 
Jabronie said:
I just let my emotions get the better of me. :o
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Gosh, that never happens to me. (not!) 😉

I hope it works out with the Priest when he gets back in town. If your girlfriend makes a big deal about it, just down play it as no biggie - because really, it isn’t.
 
Jabronie, I know this isn’t what you were looking for, but I thought I should mention it. If, as you have said, your fiance will most likely not be converting to Catholicism (now, or possibly ever), and her family even “hates” the Church, well my brother, you have some unpleasant times ahead of you. 😦 (Trust me, I have been in a very similar situation and if the Faith is even slightly important to you, you are just asking for trouble.)

Again, this is some advice that you might not want, but I believe that it is good, solid advice: before you two get married, work out your faith differences, and then after you both are “equally yoked” then you can have a good, honest marriage! After all, the goal of spouses is to help each other get to heaven, and if she doesn’t see the Church as a necessary part, well then that throws the perverbial wrench into the gears from the get-go.
 
I’m confused about why you didn’t go to your parish priest first? If you are thinking about getting married, it would be within your parish and your priest there would handle your pre-cana meetings, etc.

You contacted 3 priests (one out of town, right?) before you contacted your parish priest. And you didn’t send an email to the parish office or call to make an appointment (as your girlfriend did)–you caught him after Mass–always a bad time.

I don’t think this is a priest problem so much as a bit of disorganizatoin on your part. Also your girlfriend’s church is likely to be MUCH smaller than your church and so her pastor probably has more time. The average Catholic parish is the size of what protestants call “mega-churches”. Even in Nebraska, the average Lutheran church is probably relatively small.

I will also echo what other posters have said. Living in a “mixed” marriage is very hard. Please prayerfully and honestly think this through. Also, work to become more involved with your local parish and ask those you meet there to pray for you.
 
I live in New Jersey. A relative in Texas had trouble getting an appointment with a priest locally and called me to complain. I just asked for the address of the folks and got through in one phone call and made all the arrangements; spoke with the priest at length; the parish secretary and the deacon were fabulous. Later on, I even visited down there. I, a total stranger, approached the pastor after Mass and he was incredibly cordial, called over the other priest … could not have been more helpful. He even entrusted me, a total stranger, with a Consecrated Host.

So, my experience was that sometimes the way the “approach” is made counts for as much as anything else. What accounted for the difference in “success” between my relative’s approach and my approach?

You might try visiting the parish office during normal hours and chatting with the secretary about setting up an appointment. If the priest is there, or if they have a “duty priest”, you might even get a (brief) meeting right then and there.

In addition, Sr. Sally’s post was excellent. Catholic parishes may have thousands of members versus a few hundred at a Protestant church. Even on week days, there may be dozens of committee meetings as well as funeral services, rehearsals, practices, etc.

Truly, if religion is important, then “resolving” religious differences and one’s attitude toward and value of religion including practices and teachings is essential to avoid bitter division and conflict later on. And, to quote one of my pastor-friends, “sometimes there is nothing you can do”.

Apart from you going to church on Sunday and Holy Days separately from your (future) wife, where will you baptize the children? And how will you raise them and educate them in their formative years?

The Catholic Mass has significant differences from a Protestant service. Are both of you aware of those differences?
 
At this point, you should search your pocket for a hard boiled egg. It must be painted red and blue. If you have it, I recommend exchanging that with Monty Hall for $100 rather than taking what’s hidden behind curtain #5.

Seriously, I sympathize. Sometimes priests can be quite insensitive and that truly does hurt their ministry and the spiritual life of Catholics.

Now if the priest has a stick of Wrigley’s Spearment gum in his pocket, maybe I can do something for you!
 
“I’m in a long term relationship with a Lutheran girl and we are working out what to do in order to get married. Neither of us are capable of converting at this point, so we’re looking at our options.”[Unquote]
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So what sort of conversion are you thinking of for yourself? I assume from your talk about priests and being at Mass that you are a Catholic. So the only options you really have are 1: forget about the young lady, 2. enter into a mixed marriage maybe in her Church with permission from your Bishop, or 3. Continue hoping she decides to convert which will take at least a year once she decides. Any way you look at it its a long slog to get somewhere and much patience and waiting will be the rule. If she is thinking of converting just to please you and does not have an attraction or desire to enter the Catholic Church, it would be a mistake to try to talk her into it.She needs to feel called for her own sake. not for yours.
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Jabronie,
That’s an unfortunate experience. Please keep in mind that December carries additional responsibilities for Catholic priests. Many parishes offer Lenten Penance Services where multiple priests work together to hear the confessions of the faithful - usually in the evenings. Plus a couple additional Holy Days of Obligation, other outreach, parish and school events and programs . . . this is a busy month. If you’re looking to compare quality of ministers by available time, I think you may find the priests at a natural disadvantage. I’m sorry #1 didn’t get back to you. Try again. Say a prayer for him/his office. I’ve run up against a roadblock or two and I pray that the uncomfortableness of the experience helps you to grow in patience and humility - that’s what I ask for, and charity - got the pain, may as well pray for gain!
Deborah
ps I’d avoid Holy Week and parish festival time as well 😉
 
Jabronie said:
I’m in a long term relationship with a Lutheran girl and we are working out what to do in order to get married. Neither of us are capable of converting at this point, so we’re looking at our options.

We decided we’d meet with one of my priests and one of her pastors (not at the same time 🙂 ) to discuss our options and also ask some general questions. She even made a very charitable list of some intellectually honest questions.

To set up the Lutheran meeting:
My girlfriend emailed a pastor at her church, who replied that she’d be happy to meet up and answer any questions we have.

To set up the Catholic meeting that never happened:
I left a message with a priest I know (priest # 1), and got no response.
So, I called my hometown priest (priest # 2) and he said I need to talk to my local priest.
So, I left a message with another priest I know (priest # 3) and it turned out that he is out of town.
So finally, we went to mass Saturday night and afterwards asked the priest there (that would be priest # 4) if he would be willing to set up a meeting with us to answer her questions and go over my options. He told us, and I quote: “I’m busy every night for the rest of the month. You should really talk to (priest # 3) about this. (Priest # 3) is out of town, though. Why don’t you try (priest # 2) instead?” Then he sent us on our way.

So, I’m sure you can guess how that makes my girlfriend feel about our Church. One priest didn’t return my call. Two priests blew us off. Meanwhile, her pastor went out of her way to go out for lunch with us and answer my questions for an hour-a-half this afternoon.

My girlfriend seemed to be having a much kinder opinion of Catholicism in the last few months (even kneeling with me in Mass) and now this whole experience just re-enforced her stereotype that priests don’t care about their parishioners. The excuses I made for these priests didn’t help either.

I’m so disappointed right now. I think she really is prepared to do what it takes to marry me and even though she won’t be converting any time soon (or ever) this is just one more thing that makes her think that Catholics don’t care. She was really offended by (Priest # 4) who did seem like he just didn’t want to have anything to do with us, even though he knew darn well that I was a practicing member of his Parish. Then he suggested I talk to my hometown priest who had already told me it’s not his problem.

So what do I do now?
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Jabronie, I am kinda in the same predicament now. It really depends on what kind of service you and your family would like to have for your wedding. If it isn’t important to you to have it in the Catholic Church, or there is some special reason your fiancee wants to be married in the Lutheran church, then I would recommend applying for a Dispensation of Canonical Place and Form. This dispensation would have to come from the Bishop where you have residence. Some bishoprics are more willing than others. If you are granted this dispensation, it would appoint the Lutheran minister as the representative of the Diocese and, therefore, would be blessed by the Church. Basically, the Lutheran minister celebrates in stead of a Catholic priest or deacon, and represents the Bishop. So, that’s one option.

Another option, if you are able to contact a priest, is to ask him to preside over your ceremony. The bishop is able to give permission for a priest or deacon (yes, you can have a deacon) to celebrate over a wedding ceremony in a Lutheran Church. The priest or deacon must also be invited into the church to celebrate the wedding. Also, if you’re having trouble contacting a priest, flank him after Mass and press him for assistance. That’s the easiest way to get a hold of him. Or, set an appointment.

A third option, though undesirable, would be to have the service in the Lutheran Church without the blessing of the Catholic Church. But, following the wedding, have the marriage covenant convalidated by the Church, essentially blessed by the Church. If you family is like mine, then this won’t fly as an option.

A little about my predicament. I am engaged to be married to my best friend next June. She’s a Methodist and I was born / raised Catholic. My family is rather Traditional and some might not attend if it isn’t Catholic. My fiancee wants to be married in the same church as her mother, in a Methodist church. So, I began researching, talking with priests and wedding co-ordinators. I came across Canon 1127.2 of the Code of Canon Law which allows your bishop to grant the Dispensation.

But for you, contact your Diocese’s Canonical Affairs or Tribunal office and ask about the process for Mixed Marriages. Contact the wedding co-ordinator at your parish. They should get the ball rolling. Both of you will have to provide baptismal and confirmation certificates, fill out paperwork, etc.
 
Also, like others have said to you, if you and your fiancee haven’t talked about religion, you should. It is as important a facet in your relationship as how to raise children or finances. If you don’t, you face some serious antagonism when you a confronted by the in-laws. I used to be afraid when people would tell me how difficult mixed marriages would be. But now, I am not scared at all. My fiancee is aware of the importance of my Faith, and has been through RCIA once, and plans on another year in order to one day, hopefully, convert to the Catholic Church. You must communicate with your fiancee and her family about the importance of your Faith in your life. Don’t try to convert her; that’s something for Holy Spirit to do. If she is the one for you, the one you can see raising your children, and holding your hand as you pass on, then have at it.

Faith is a grace given by God to His people. Some have it in abundance and live in it. Some lack in abundanty and live without it. I think you need to pray about this. Pray for the Holy Spirit to come to her and open her heart to what the Lord calls of her.

Dominus vobsicum
 
Jabronie said:
To her, it looks like her pastor would drop everything and answer my questions where my priests won’t even give her the time of day.

She doesn’t hold anything against the priest who didn’t return my call or the priest who was out of town; just the one that pretty much refused to talk to us. Remember, we didn’t try to corner him after mass; we asked him to meet with us at a later date and he didn’t care to.
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It did not sound as though he was blowing you off, or that he just didn’t feel like talking to you. He told you he was very busy for the next month. Why not give him the benefit of the doubt? Why not call the rectory and make an appointment to see him? As it is, you approached him after Mass, when he certainly would not have his appointment calendar handy, and told him you would like to meet with him. Also, if you told him that you had tried several other priests that you know before speaking to him,maybe he thought you’d get an appointment quicker since at least one is a personal friend of yours.

Perhaps it would help if you explained to your fiance just why a parish priest might be so busy during the month of December, and admit that perhaps you did not handle the whole situation as well as you could have. Instead of going to 3 other priests before attempting to talk to your own parish priest, and then cornering your parish priest after Mass (which is what you did, regardless of your intent), you might have called the parish rectory first and set up an appointment with your priest.
 
Somewhere I can recall hearing, that where marriage is concerned, love is not enough.

The husband, usually, must be earning enough money to provide a place to live and food and other essentials… if the wife gets pregnant and has a baby, she might not be able to contribute as much money to the marriage as before, … for example.

Similarly, the two persons will be literally marrying each other’s families. This is “usually” not a big issue … but if the family of one person is involved in “organized crime”, then the other person may have to “participate” in the family “business” or at least look the other way.

What if one person is in the military and the family of the other person HATES the military… and maybe even the other person HATES the military and would demand that the military member quit …???

In a smaller way, if there is antagonism between one family and the religion of the other person’s family, there could be a tremendous amount of unpleasantness.

These, and many others, are issues that needed to be addressed.
 
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