bad gramma

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JLCecilia

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I knew this would happen, but I think there’s some sick part of me that just wanted to set mom up to fail, again. It all started back in January when DS had western day at school and he came home asking for chaps like all of his friends. I got online and found a tutorial and put it on my ‘to-do someday’ list. I mentioned it to my mom b/c I know she has more time and resources than I do, so she accepted my request to make them.

9 months later, still no chaps. She keep saying that she needs to measure them, but everytime we’re together, she sluffs it off. I know bottom line is she just doesn’t want to make them. I mean, not really. She would LOVE more than anything to be THAT gramma that makes all kinds of cool stuff for her grandkids, but she just lacks the discipline to see anything through.

In the last few weeks she has called and emailed me with every update: decided to order the pattern; pattern didn’t work, back to square one; when can I arrange a visit to measure him; I need a pair of his pants for template. I finally just replied that she could send me the fabric and the pattern and I’d make it myself. I didn’t think I’d have time with a new baby, but as it turns out, I do.

Understandably she was little stung at my response, so now she’s telling me ‘I’ll be happy to send this to you, but it’s not as easy as you think. I’ll get this to you so you can see what you’re getting into.’ All I said was ‘ok.’ I’m sure it’s not as hard as she thinks it is, the hardest part is deciding to just dig in an do it. Sheesh.
 
Please don’t be so hard on your mom. You never know how long she will be with you. Love her and accept these faults while trying to foster the relationship with her grandkids.
 
If my daughter was claiming that she set mom up to fail again, I don’t think I’d be any too eager to do anything for her again.

She may be acting passive/aggressive about this project, because she either doesn’t feel up to the skill level it will take, or she simply really doesn’t have the time. Or may be, she is fed up with a certain level of ingratitude from her daughter.

Your letter has irritated me, as you call her a “bad gramma.” Who says that grandmothers are to be the seamstresses to other family members.

I am a seamstress and grandmother of 4, and my daughter would never post anything as rude as you have on-line.
 
Why not see of there’s an inexpensive pair of chaps for a little boy on e-bay, Craig’s list or Oriental Trading Company etc?

This way your child (who just wants the chaps and probably doesn’t care if Gramma or you or Martha Stewart herself made them) has the chaps, and you don’t feel resentment or disappointment towards your mom.

My mom worked as a seamstress for years. She doesn’t see very well anymore to do fine needlework, so I don’t ask.

If I did ask, she would probably say “Oh sure, I’ll do it.” and not do it because she can’t and for what ever reason won’t tell me that she can’t.

adding: If your child wanted chaps back in January, it is not a given he still wants them especially if he hasn’t mentioned it again. Little kids are fickle.
 
Mary_Gail_36 said:
My mom worked as a seamstress for years. She doesn’t see very well anymore to do fine needlework, so I don’t ask.

If I did ask, she would probably say “Oh sure, I’ll do it.” and not do it because she can’t and for what ever reason won’t tell me that she can’t.
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It is quite difficult as you get on in years to admit that you no longer have the energy / good eyesight / skill in your fingers / etc to do some of the tasks you used to do with no trouble. I know there are some sewing projects I have told my daughter I will do for my grandchildren, and for her too. Sewing at night has become difficult, and because I work during the day, that is not an option. I will get to these ‘promises’ when I’m retired and can have the benefit of daylight to do them. I must say that I would feel very hurt if my daughter was telling ‘the world’ that her mom was bad for not doing these things she said she would.
 
Peggy_in_Burien said:
If my daughter was claiming that she set mom up to fail again, I don’t think I’d be any too eager to do anything for her again.

She may be acting passive/aggressive about this project, because she either doesn’t feel up to the skill level it will take, or she simply really doesn’t have the time. Or may be, she is fed up with a certain level of ingratitude from her daughter.

Your letter has irritated me, as you call her a “bad gramma.” Who says that grandmothers are to be the seamstresses to other family members.

I am a seamstress and grandmother of 4, and my daughter would never post anything as rude as you have on-line.
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I totally agree.

OP, chaps are very hard to make. The fit needs to be measured with a lot of care. They’re not at all like regular pants in the way they fit. And a growing boy will very, very quickly grow out of a decently fitting pair. I wouldn’t even waste my time making or buying them for a growing boy unless he actually needs them for ranch work.
 
Sorry all, trying to be silly with my title. Thinking of that horrible new spoof movie coming out called bad grampa. Just met ‘naughty.’ Sorry to have offended so many of you. I know I don’t like my flaws being broadcasted either, it’s just easy here where it’s anonymous. I find myself repeating this horrible character flaw with my own children. Even if I’m perfectly able and I really DO have the time for something, I normally say no or just plain don’t offer in the first place b/c I don’t want to put myself in a situation where someone expects something of me and then to disappoint them. Better to just be honest about my stinginess than to be a promise-breaker.

Sorry to say, but this is a pattern of hers. I can see and hear my dad telling me about all the money she spends on ‘projects’ that she never even starts. And of course I can recall all of the pie crust promises growing up.

Well, supposedly the fabric is in the mail, so here’s hoping I can figure it out. The reason I didn’t start it in the first place is b/c I can’t afford the gas to get out of town to a fabric store to pick something out, much less just buying them outright. DS can’t stop talking about them and ‘why doesn’t gramma make them already?’ So, if it doesn’t work out, it’ll go on his Christmas list. Just sad that she got his hopes up.
 
Dacinom said:
Dear one, don’t do this.

If you know someone’s limitations, if you know that someone has temptations to laziness or an inability to follow-through then don’t set yourself up to count on them for something and then get frustrated with them. You will be in a never ending pattern of asking them for something and then getting mad but you already know this.

Stop asking your mom for favors like this. Of course you want to, but right now you can’t. Of course you want to be able to ask your mother to make cute little things for your children! It would be very special for your son to have something wonderful and hand-made from his grandmother. However right now she is limited by whatever faults she has, we all have them of course.

She probably had good intentions at the beginning, then for whatever reason didn’t keep her promise. Since you are her daughter you are probably sick of this pattern and you wanted to “set her up to fail” like you said. You are angry and tired of this behavior, you have a right to be, I agree it is not fair for a person to make a promise and not to keep the promise. What you need to do is to give yourself peace, don’t ask your mother to promise anything like this…ever. You should be able to, but you can’t and you know it. Face the fact that your mother is limited, face the fact that for whatever reason she can’t follow through. Face that she is tempted to laziness or absent-mindedness or whatever it is and let it go. You cannot change her but you can change yourself. God bless you.
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This post is like a prayer, if I could, I’d have it laminated! I needed this. Thank you for countering my bitterness with such gentility. Beautifully put and absolutely true, every word of it.
 
We all have family history. You have childhood memories of being disappointed and let down. I have those too. My mom was trained as a seamstress in Italy. One Halloween in grade school my best friend at the time and I decided to be the pets of the strawberry shortcake characters. I was going to be the cat Custard and my friend would be Pupcake the dog. Her mom was making her costume and my mom had said she would make mine. My friends costume was flawless and adorable. I found myself the night before sewing pink dots on pink and white striped footed pajamas. She couldn’t even go out and buy a pair of solid pink pajamas (The cat was pink with dark pink spots), I had to use the closest thing I could find in our house. I looked ridiculous and no one knew what I supposed to be. I My mom’s habits carried over into other areas where I was embarrassed because of how I looked because she didn’t see the importance in it.

Like you I have carried that into my own parenting but in a different way. Every single one of daughter’s costumes has been perfect.Her outfits for portraits had to be perfect, I paid to have her hair professionally done for nearly every school dance -and we probably have a tenth of the budget my parents had. I get anxiety about making sure my daughter looks just right, that things match, that she looks well put together. To the point where she says “Mom its fine, its ok.” I tease her that her issue from her childhood will be that she had to look perfect. She knows exactly why I do the things I do. Lucky for me, it hasn’t seemed to made a negative impact. Although she struggles with scrupulosity in a completely different area -so maybe not.

Monicad is very wise. I think her advice is beautiful.

I set myself up with my mom (in other areas) thinking this time she’ll finally be different. Just this once she’ll be different. And then I’m hurt, angry and disappointed.

This isn’t really about a pair of chaps. Its about memories, and history and wanted to change something painful. :console:
 
rayne89 said:
Monicad is very wise. I think her advice is beautiful.

I set myself up with my mom (in other areas) thinking this time she’ll finally be different. Just this once she’ll be different. And then I’m hurt, angry and disappointed.

This isn’t really about a pair of chaps. Its about memories, and history and wanted to change something painful. :console:
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Thank you for understanding. To all other posters here, believe me, I know all too well what a spoiled ungrateful little brat I sound like. I just wish my mom knew how to be a gramma, so I’m thankful at least that my MIL does. Mom shows me pics of couture party dresses my gramma would make and mom herself has always been pretty savvy. I wish I had been closer to my gramma, this would’ve been a really awesome way to bond with her. But she was distant and not really interested in being part of my life. She wasn’t a ‘kid’ person, and, as it turns out, neither are my folks. It’s so weird, did they just get burnt out raising all 5 of us, or did they never really want all of us to begin with? I just hope I don’t repeat this with my own children/grandchildren, if I’m still around.
 
JLCecilia said:
Thank you for understanding. To all other posters here, believe me, I know all too well what a spoiled ungrateful little brat I sound like. I just wish my mom knew how to be a gramma, so I’m thankful at least that my MIL does. Mom shows me pics of couture party dresses my gramma would make and mom herself has always been pretty savvy. I wish I had been closer to my gramma, this would’ve been a really awesome way to bond with her. But she was distant and not really interested in being part of my life. She wasn’t a ‘kid’ person, and, as it turns out, neither are my folks. It’s so weird, did they just get burnt out raising all 5 of us, or did they never really want all of us to begin with? I just hope I don’t repeat this with my own children/grandchildren, if I’m still around.
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JLCecilia, I think that maybe you need to just let your mom be who she is and not expect her to be someone she obviously is not, nor will she ever be. Yes, you wish your mom knew how to be a good gramma, but she doesn’t. Maybe she wishes you were someone that could love her just as she is, but you don’t. Do as rayne wrote. Work on you, work on making sure your own children will see none of the flaws you see in your mom if that is what you really think they need. But please, don’t spend the rest of your life trying to make your mother fit your description of good gramma.
 
JLCecilia said:
Sorry all, trying to be silly with my title. Thinking of that horrible new spoof movie coming out called bad grampa. Just met ‘naughty.’ Sorry to have offended so many of you. I know I don’t like my flaws being broadcasted either, it’s just easy here where it’s anonymous. I find myself repeating this horrible character flaw with my own children. Even if I’m perfectly able and I really DO have the time for something, I normally say no or just plain don’t offer in the first place b/c I don’t want to put myself in a situation where someone expects something of me and then to disappoint them. Better to just be honest about my stinginess than to be a promise-breaker.

Sorry to say, but this is a pattern of hers. I can see and hear my dad telling me about all the money she spends on ‘projects’ that she never even starts. And of course I can recall all of the pie crust promises growing up.

Well, supposedly the fabric is in the mail, so here’s hoping I can figure it out. The reason I didn’t start it in the first place is b/c I can’t afford the gas to get out of town to a fabric store to pick something out, much less just buying them outright. DS can’t stop talking about them and ‘why doesn’t gramma make them already?’ So, if it doesn’t work out, it’ll go on his Christmas list. Just sad that she got his hopes up.
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If I remember the story right, it’s just sad that you got Gramma to agree (even though you felt you were setting her up to fail again) and told your son that Gramma would make them for him which got his hopes up…and now you are passing the buck that it’s not YOU that can’t make it come to fruition…and have passed the responsibility on to grandma…for letting him down. He wouldn’t know anything about Gramma if you didn’t make that plan. Sorry, the ownership is on you, Mom.
He is YOUR child…and you made him a ‘pie crust promise’ about a pair of chaps.

I hope that you see that you have two choices: you can either be the same mother that you wish you weren’t or you can make a conscientious effort to be the mother you wish you had.

Plain and simple…it’s YOUR choice now, MOM! I hope that you choose to be the mom you wish you had!!!👍
 
april32010 said:
i don’t think you do, if you did you would stop posting insults about your mother 🤷
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I don’t think you understand painful childhood memories, if you did you would not be so insensitive and rude. This is an anonymous forum. People sometimes come here to vent. Nobody here knows her mother, she is not hurting anyone. She received some beautiful, helpful advice from Monicad. Be grateful you can not relate to her situation and maybe reflect a bit on how unhelpful and unkind you comment was. What exactly were you trying to accomplish?
 
JLCecilia said:
Sorry all, trying to be silly with my title. Thinking of that horrible new spoof movie coming out called bad grampa. Just met ‘naughty.’ Sorry to have offended so many of you. I know I don’t like my flaws being broadcasted either, it’s just easy here where it’s anonymous. I find myself repeating this horrible character flaw with my own children. Even if I’m perfectly able and I really DO have the time for something, I normally say no or just plain don’t offer in the first place b/c I don’t want to put myself in a situation where someone expects something of me and then to disappoint them. Better to just be honest about my stinginess than to be a promise-breaker.

Sorry to say, but this is a pattern of hers. I can see and hear my dad telling me about all the money she spends on ‘projects’ that she never even starts. And of course I can recall all of the pie crust promises growing up.

Well, supposedly the fabric is in the mail, so here’s hoping I can figure it out. The reason I didn’t start it in the first place is b/c I can’t afford the gas to get out of town to a fabric store to pick something out, much less just buying them outright. DS can’t stop talking about them and ‘why doesn’t gramma make them already?’ So, if it doesn’t work out, it’ll go on his Christmas list. Just sad that she got his hopes up.
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My mother used to do this too. She still does with some people, but not me - because I don’t ask her any more. I wish I could say that she does it out of general absent-mindedness, but as I grew into an adult, I could see that she does it to manipulate people. And when I would ask her for an update (or ANY information as to if/when it will be done), I would get verbally abused, maligned, etc.

If this is the case with you, OP (and it may be), then my dear, please resist the temptation to ask her to do anything for you. I had to come to terms that my mother would never be the kind, nurturing person I really needed her to be, no matter how many ‘chances’ I gave her. You have a heavenly mother who IS that person. Please remember that. And you can be that kind of mother to your children. You are right, you will have time (more than you think) to do special things for your children. Why? Because you will always know how important it is to them. You will prioritize. I have, and it’s made all the difference.

If your mother is truly a kind-hearted person who wants to help, but cannot seem to follow through, then just go elsewhere for things that you need. If she insists on doing something for you that you can’t afford to let her do (something that is needed for a deadline, etc), then just ‘forget’ to send her the supplies, or something like that. Don’t let on that you feel that she won’t follow through for you.

I wish you all the best. 🙂
 
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