Bad habit in marriage making me miserable

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leonie

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Or maybe “dynamic” would be a better word?

I really want to know how to break this one. I’m tired of being upset about it.

It all revolves around our hundred year old house. Things are frequently breaking down and needing repairs. Some are cosmetic, some more serious. My wonderful in every other way dh hates to do any home maintenance. I’m here every day looking at and dealing with all the problems/ugliness and it drives me nuts.

This is what will happen: I’ll ask my dh to fix something like a hole in drywall. He’ll say yes, and even might buy the drywall, but won’t fix it. For weeks or months, I’ll become more upset about it. Finally, I’ll decide to do it myself. I’ll start on the project and I’ll struggle with it because I am not handy at all, and I have to work on it in bits and pieces around taking care of the kids.

Dh will come home and get angry with me. Sometimes he will work on it. But, he’ll never do it the way I want and he’ll leave it unfinished. I’ll be angry and upset and resentful that he’s angry and not listening to me. The house will still look like **** and I’ll “give up” for a few weeks or months and try not to see it. Then, I’ll start caring again and the cycle will start all over.

This happened just yesterday in the exact same pattern as every other stupid project I’ve tried to take care of myself.

One thing I’ll do to “escape” it is to look at houses for sale on the internet and that makes him upset with me, too, since we obviously can’t afford them and he doesn’t want to move and who would buy the house when it’s this much a wreck?!?

In every other way, my dh is wonderful. I know I’m contributing to the whole dynamic, but I don’t know how to change it. He won’t fix things. I’m not allowed to fix things. I tried once having my dad fix something and dh didn’t speak to me for three days.

Any ideas? I’m afraid since I’m in the middle of it, I am blind to any solutions.

I’m also not a picky person. I’d love to have a beautiful home and gardens house, but mostly, I just want walls without holes, and cabinets with shelves and a coat of paint every 3 or four years, and floors that don’t give splinters, and windows that aren’t screwed together so they don’t fall apart, etc.

I’m also talking to St. Joseph about it.
 
I’ve been married a long time, and my DH used to let home repair projects slide at times, too…though he had a hard time admitting it, I finally realized that it was because he wasn’t all that sure of his skills in doing a good job at it…and rather than goof it up/make an expensive mistake, he would just not do it. As time went on, he did better, and DID improve his skills…to the point where he’s very handy now. Maybe that’s what’s stopping your husband…he doesn’t feel confident to do these things very well?

Give him a lot of encouragement whenever he does a job, even if you don’t like it, praise the effort and just live with it. Perhaps that will give him the boost he needs to tackle more and more often.
 
Is it possible to hire a handyman to take care of some of these jobs? Would that upset your husband?
 
Pax2u said:
I’ve been married a long time, and my DH used to let home repair projects slide at times, too…though he had a hard time admitting it, I finally realized that it was because he wasn’t all that sure of his skills in doing a good job at it…and rather than goof it up/make an expensive mistake, he would just not do it. As time went on, he did better, and DID improve his skills…to the point where he’s very handy now. Maybe that’s what’s stopping your husband…he doesn’t feel confident to do these things very well?

Give him a lot of encouragement whenever he does a job, even if you don’t like it, praise the effort and just live with it. Perhaps that will give him the boost he needs to tackle more and more often.
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no. He’s very handy. He worked in interior construction when we first got married and he’s now working in industrial maintenance. Plus, he used to do wood working as a hobby. He’s got all the skills.

When I say he doesn’t finish things, I referring to not putting up trim, or not filling in cracks with mud. I’ve tried to do the trim work myself, but I don’t know how to cut it to make the edges match and for some reason, it falls off. ???

If only I could find a way not care.

I wish I didn’t care. I’ve tried to completely detach, but for some reason I cannot achieve it. I can’t really change the way he responds or acts about the house, so I want to change whatever my role is in this stupid dynamic.

I just don’t know what to do. If I do it, he gets mad. If I ask a friend or a relative to do it, he gets mad. He won’t do it himself. There’s no way we could afford to pay someone to do it. Once, I asked my out of work nephew to paint a room for me for $100. My dh blew a gasket.

So, it seems like my choices are to ignore his reaction and just figure out a way to fix things myself or just live with the dilapidated conditions, though some really need immediate attention–leaks, etc.
 
It’s actually kind of a classic that the contractor’s wife’s house is a mess. That is not unique to your husband. Your painting schedule may be a little excessive, but otherwise, you sound reasonable.

Here are some ideas:
  1. Make up a list of household to dos that require his assistance. Email him the list and post it on the fridge. (I’ve just started doing this.)
  2. On Friday night (or whatever the night is before his day off), take a few minutes to sit down with him and select some tasks. One big one is fine, or maybe three little ones. Talk about the steps of the project and make sure that he has appropriate supplies and figure out when he’s going to do it during the day (before lunch, after lunch, whatever).
  3. Saturday morning, he works on the project and you keep the kids out of his way. Even just going to Home Depot and getting supplies counts.
  4. Repeat on the following Friday night until the project is completed. See, this isn’t nagging–it’s planning.
  5. Do this for a month. If there isn’t any progress at all during the course of the month, tell him that within the week, you are going to call a handyman/dad/your out-of-work relative.
  6. If there isn’t any progress within a full week, call a handyman.
  7. Repeat as necessary, doing all of the preliminary steps–there should be around 4 or 5 weeks of opportunities to do fixes before you call the handyman. Make it clear that he has 4 or 5 weeks to work with to finish any particular project, no matter how small.
  8. Also, be doing monthly budget meetings and see if there isn’t money available to hire out more odd jobs. In particular, have a good look at your insurance policies. If there is any eating out, demonstratively add that money to the home maintenance budget. Can you save money on phones somehow? (I realize you may be in the middle of a contract.) Look at each category and squeeze a couple of dollars out.
  9. At the end of the year if there is no improvement, discuss with your husband whether you guys are cut out for home ownership. It may be that neither he nor your budget is up to the time and money costs of home ownership. You might be way happier as renters. In fact, I would suggest bringing this up now.
At our house, one of our budget categories is “household maintenance.” Currently, I’ve got $120 a month allocated to that and I save it up when there’s extra. I also throw extra money into that savings fund when we can, as there’s always another project coming up. Out of that fund, we pay for supplies and tradesmen for jobs we don’t do ourselves. Make sure that you have a budget category for household maintenance.

renters
 
leonie said:
I just don’t know what to do. If I do it, he gets mad. If I ask a friend or a relative to do it, he gets mad. He won’t do it himself. There’s no way we could afford to pay someone to do it. Once, I asked my out of work nephew to paint a room for me for $100. My dh blew a gasket.

So, it seems like my choices are to ignore his reaction and just figure out a way to fix things myself or just live with the dilapidated conditions, though some really need immediate attention–leaks, etc.
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There really is nothing objectively wrong with getting another person to do the job I don’t think. He might get upset but you get a result in having a thing fixed and don’t have that ever increasing build up of resentment.

The things that are wrong seem quite serious… holes in the walls, windows screwed shut, splintery floors. Address them to your husband in terms of the dangers they present to the family in a manner as if you were a trademan telling him. Detached but firm. Not every job at once but focus on one particular job and how it might be mended as expediently as possible. If you start out letting someone shut you down with anger… it can only get worse as the marriage goes on. A male marriage counsellor told me once ‘you’ve got to be smart’ and I took that to mean that my predictable reaction was never going to work to my favour.
 
Also, offer to take on a part-time job to pay for odd jobs. And if he agrees, do it. He can watch the kids and you can earn money to pay a handyman. $200 a month could really change your world.
 
Leonie,

Does your husband feel entitled to a Saturday that he is able to spend entirely as he chooses?

It’s taken me a while to realize that Saturday pretty much has to be largely devoted to odd jobs–haircuts for school kids, small repairs, yard work, shoes for school kids, getting the kids to clean their rooms, errands, major school projects, etc. On Sunday we rest, but on Saturday we’ve all gotta work (except the baby).

It may be necessary to dial back any kid activities or family outings that you have been doing on Saturdays and try to make Sunday the family day.

(Adjust to fit your circumstances if your husband works a non-traditional schedule.)
 
trevorhall said:

“Here is a novel idea … you could do the work, too.”

Here’s a novel idea…you could read the post before responding.

The OP has already said that her husband gets mad at her when she tries to do the projects and he doesn’t want her to let her dad do the work or pay for work. He wants to be the only person doing the work and then he won’t do the work.

Plus, he’s a skilled craftsman and she’s just a regular gal with a regular gal’s skill level, plus she’s encumbered by attempting to care for children at the same time she’s doing home projects.

I think her notion of a painting schedule is a little too frequent for my taste, but otherwise, nothing sounds unreasonable.

On reflection, I think I would announce, “Saturday is wall-fixing day. You can either take care of the kids while I work or I can watch the kids while you work. Which is it going to be?”
 
leonie said:
Dh will come home and get angry with me. Sometimes he will work on it. But, he’ll never do it the way I want and he’ll leave it unfinished. I’ll be angry and upset and resentful that he’s angry and not listening to me. The house will still look like **** and I’ll “give up” for a few weeks or months and try not to see it. Then, I’ll start caring again and the cycle will start all over.
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It sounds to me the only option is for you to do the work yourself and let him get mad. Youtube is your friend on how to fix stuff. After awhile of you making progress, my guess is he’ll join in on the project. Hope this helps.
 
Psalm_22 said:
It sounds to me the only option is for you to do the work yourself and let him get mad. Youtube is your friend on how to fix stuff. After awhile of you making progress, my guess is he’ll join in on the project. Hope this helps.
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Maybe I just need to learn to let his anger on this topic roll off my back and just go ahead with my plans. 🙂
 
Leonie,

How about finding a quiet time, when you won’t be disturbed by kids and phone calls, and sitting down with him, face to face, knee to knee, and say something such as “I’ve got a problem and I need you to help me find a solution.” Then articulate just a few of the things you know need to be done around the house and say something such as “Will you help me make a schedule for when and by whom these projects can be done? I’m really proud of this old house and I know you are, too. Let’s work together to maintain and preserve it!”

My wife and I each do this when we’ve got something to talk about that seems, for some reason, difficult to deal with. It’s sometimes almost overwhelming to begin, but very cathartic when we’re finished.

I hope this helps in some small way…
 
Xantippe said:
Also, offer to take on a part-time job to pay for odd jobs. And if he agrees, do it. He can watch the kids and you can earn money to pay a handyman. $200 a month could really change your world.
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I can’t really work right now (8 months pregnant with six minor children that I’m homeschooling), but it’s possible that if I worked at it harder, I could budget better and put the money aside.

That’s a good idea. Around here, $200 won’t buy you much in the handyman business, but I could save it up for a bigger renovation project. In five months, I would have enough to buy a new window in any case for the boys’ bedrooms–it’s been boarded up for 5 years now. That would be nice. 🙂

Another problem is that dh is reluctant to spend any money on the house.
 
Just typing this whole situation out is making me see that I’m not a crazy, unreasonable woman for wanting a functional house that doesn’t invite people to leave food on our porch (yes, that has happened–our house makes us look like poor wretches). :o

Making plans and negotiations don’t work because dh always agrees and never actually acts on it. I think one bad habit I’ve gotten into is that if we make plans or I tell dh I want to start something (by myself) and he puts a kibosh on it, and nothing happens, I become really discouraged and resentful. So, sometimes, I just start things and then dh becomes really angry to come home to a home improvement mess that makes him feel guilty.

I think maybe I need to talk to St. Joseph a little more.

And, then maybe I just need to tell dh that I’m going to cut my spending on the groceries (ouch) and other miscellaneous things and put that money aside to hire help.

I think part of the problem with me is that I always back off when I think someone is upset with me. I need to be stronger and not worry about others including my dh’s unreasonable anger.

Then, I’m just going to let his weird anger on this issue roll off my back.

On every other issue in our lives, dh is wonderful. A hard worker, a great father, a caring and affectionate husband.

I really don’t understand why a husband doesn’t care a bit about the maintenance of his home or even his wife’s depression over its state. It’s like a mental block.
 
Might you have any friends/acquaintances who are talented in this way, with whom you might be able to barter your own skills?

Picture it. Hubby comes home and comments on the brownies and cupcakes you’ve got set out on the counter. He reaches for one… and you tell him “Ah ah ah! Those are not for us. I’ve arranged a trade. Baking for spackling!” I know you say he gets upset having someone else (including you) do the work, but this wouldn’t cost actual money.

Heck, my ex and his wife recently were evicted for non-payment of rent (he had been laid off) and they placed an ad in their local Craig’s List - temporary housing sought - will work for it! He is a gifted master carpenter. They found a gig where she is caring for a stroke victim (housekeeping, making meals, etc.) and he is doing repairs on the house, making it handicapped accessible, etc. (while he works at his new construction job).
 
leonie said:
And, then maybe I just need to tell dh that I’m going to cut my spending on the groceries (ouch) and other miscellaneous things and put that money aside to hire help.
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I wouldn’t even tell him that until you’ve got enough to get a small job done and can act on it. You don’t want to making it sound like an ultimatim or sound like a martyr. Your main goal is getting some jobs done.
I think part of the problem with me is that I always back off when I think someone is upset with me. I need to be stronger and not worry about others including my dh’s unreasonable anger.
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Then, I’m just going to let his weird anger on this issue roll off my back.
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Yes, remind yourself that letting someones anger work that way on you is diminishing yourself and creating a monster of him. He’s got all those other good qualities…“On every other issue in our lives, dh is wonderful. A hard worker, a great father, a caring and affectionate husband.”… so this is not actually about moving a mountain of flaws. This is just about getting a few jobs done as expediently as possible for the overall wellbeing of your family. Start with small steps by keeping focused on a goal and enjoy the sense of achievement when something comes to fruition.
 
Boswell said:
Leonie,

How about finding a quiet time, when you won’t be disturbed by kids and phone calls, and sitting down with him, face to face, knee to knee, and say something such as “I’ve got a problem and I need you to help me find a solution.” Then articulate just a few of the things you know need to be done around the house and say something such as “Will you help me make a schedule for when and by whom these projects can be done? I’m really proud of this old house and I know you are, too. Let’s work together to maintain and preserve it!”

My wife and I each do this when we’ve got something to talk about that seems, for some reason, difficult to deal with. It’s sometimes almost overwhelming to begin, but very cathartic when we’re finished.

I hope this helps in some small way…
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^THIS.

And I highly suggest the book Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs. I need to read it again myself, in fact. :o
 
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