Bad problems with fiancé,please help

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Celia24

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Hello to all,

I hope it isn´t strange to post something like this just after my registration, but I am very sad and hope to get some useful advice here.

I am 21 and engaged for 1 1/2 years now. Of course we had our conflicts, but right now I don´t know how to deal with it. My fiance is sometimes really intemperate. We have conflicts caused by silly reasons I often can´t understand, sometimes it seems we speak a completely different language. He feels offended and hurt and reacts extremely harsh when he only over-reacts in my eyes- but it´s impossible to talk about this issues constructively because he can´t see how his acting comes out for other people. It´s like a strong shield he builds around, and he doesn´t doubt his point of viewing. Problem is the agression. It has happened twice that he throws my things outside (me inclusive). Yesterday he gave me a slap, not strong and excuses immediately for this, but it happened. In his eyes, he is always the hurt, sometimes I think he is extremely insecure and mistakes the harsh acting to other people for intransigence. I know he has grown up in a very bad family with cruelty , emotional and physical, and maybe this caused his behaviour a lot, sometimes I think he sees to many things as a fight.
Well, long post, short and difficult question- what to do? I love him, he loves me.but this is really not bearable for me.

I thank everyone in adance for only reading this and of course I would be happy to read some answers. God bless you all.
 
You leave and you thank God you saw all this BEFORE you married him. Leave now.
 
Please do not allow any other feelings to stop you from doing the right thing.

The right thing is to break it off with him totally NOW.

God bless.
 
There are man things making this so complicated and confusing for me. I am not catholic, I didn´t followed the rules of the church until know. So we lived together in an appartment. I am making my final exams of school at the moment (until june) so I am in high stress and I am financial dependent on him at the moment, because I had to work less to have time to finish school. I have no own flat, neither the money to make quick moves now.
We share our whole friend community, I don´t have close friends instead of them, I really don´t know how to deal with this. The last point is emotional, yes, but strong in me, even if it´s irrational. I really love him, and it confuses me that apart from this bad happening he is extremely supportive and loving to me, it doesn´t fit in the picture of an abusive character as he the one he has shown me yesterday. It seems to me that he is a completely different person during our normal life, I felt always protected, so the more I am confused now.
 
Celia24 said:
I really love him, and it confuses me that apart from this bad happening he is extremely supportive and loving to me, it doesn´t fit in the picture of an abusive character as he the one he has shown me yesterday. It seems to me that he is a completely different person during our normal life, I felt always protected, so the more I am confused now.
Click to expand...
These are quotes from your first post.
Celia24 said:
  • My fiance is sometimes really intemperate. We have conflicts caused by silly reasons.
  • He feels offended and hurt and reacts extremely harsh
  • it´s impossible to talk about this issues constructively because he can´t see how his acting comes out for other people.
  • he throws my things outside (me inclusive).
  • Yesterday he gave me a slap
Click to expand...
These are not the actions of someone who is " supportive and loving" and absolutely does fit the profile of an emotional and physical abuser. It’s the pattern of an abuser to act (and maybe even genuinely feel) remorseful afterwards, but that won’t change the extreme likelihood that they will abuse you again. The fact that he doesn’t see how his actions affect others is a strong indicator of this. Anyone who hits you once will find it easier to hit you the second time and the third time and the fourth time. You need to do what you can to leave – find a woman’s shelter or abuse help line if you can. Talk to your school councillor or chaplain. *Please don’t let your emotions for him make you feel guilty for leaving. *
 
Some men will get you hooked, and then show their true colors. Once you’re through you finals, get a job that can take you away from him. At least, one where you can quickly get your own flat. And then tell him that it’s over. He sounds like he’s trying to control you. Don’t let him do it, and don’t marry him. Is there any way you can find someplace to live temporarily? I know it’s awhile before school gets out, but I think you need out of this relationship sooner rather than later. I’m praying for you.
 
Celia24 said:
There are man things making this so complicated and confusing for me. I am not catholic, I didn´t followed the rules of the church until know. So we lived together in an appartment. I am making my final exams of school at the moment (until june) so I am in high stress and I am financial dependent on him at the moment, because I had to work less to have time to finish school. I have no own flat, neither the money to make quick moves now.
We share our whole friend community, I don´t have close friends instead of them, I really don´t know how to deal with this. The last point is emotional, yes, but strong in me, even if it´s irrational. I really love him, and it confuses me that apart from this bad happening he is extremely supportive and loving to me, it doesn´t fit in the picture of an abusive character as he the one he has shown me yesterday. It seems to me that he is a completely different person during our normal life, I felt always protected, so the more I am confused now.
Click to expand...
Please, PLEASE read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. It is the single best book I have ever read on this topic.

amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

You need to set yourself up to be able to support yourself and leave this man as soon as possible.

(((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))
 
Celia24 said:
Hello to all,

I hope it isn´t strange to post something like this just after my registration, but I am very sad and hope to get some useful advice here.

I am 21 and engaged for 1 1/2 years now. Of course we had our conflicts, but right now I don´t know how to deal with it. My fiance is sometimes really intemperate. We have conflicts caused by silly reasons I often can´t understand, sometimes it seems we speak a completely different language. He feels offended and hurt and reacts extremely harsh when he only over-reacts in my eyes- but it´s impossible to talk about this issues constructively because he can´t see how his acting comes out for other people. It´s like a strong shield he builds around, and he doesn´t doubt his point of viewing. Problem is the agression. It has happened twice that he throws my things outside (me inclusive). Yesterday he gave me a slap, not strong and excuses immediately for this, but it happened. In his eyes, he is always the hurt, sometimes I think he is extremely insecure and mistakes the harsh acting to other people for intransigence. I know he has grown up in a very bad family with cruelty , emotional and physical, and maybe this caused his behaviour a lot, sometimes I think he sees to many things as a fight.
Well, long post, short and difficult question- what to do? I love him, he loves me.but this is really not bearable for me.

I thank everyone in adance for only reading this and of course I would be happy to read some answers. God bless you all.
Click to expand...
You would never purchase damaged goods, would you? Does it matter if the goods was dropped accidentally, mercilessly handled by a Fedex employee, or mistreated on purpose by a store clerk. Or maybe you want a tough life? Then go ahead and purchase the damaged goods no matter what. After all, it’s damaged but it’s still kind of cute. What you call “love” is attachment, perhaps dependency, and affection. It can be replaced. But there is a reason why you’ve stuck by despite his acting out and the warning signs left and right. Work on that and find a better match, a more suitable partner. If"/when he threatens to kill himself when you tell him it’s over, remember his happiness is nobody’s responsibility but his. You’re not his mommy, and he’s not a helpless baby, although he probably has deep abdandonment issues, which you were not born to tend to.
 
I echo everything others have posted. Many women overlook the warning signs and rely on the “feelings” of love they have. Feelings are NOT a good measure to use. They often misguide and mask things yet we all strive for that one true feeling as a measure of how we should run our lives.

It will be hard but you need to push past the “feelings” and do what is best for YOU.

I will pray for you and for him.
 
Celia24 said:
There are man things making this so complicated and confusing for me. I am not catholic, I didn´t followed the rules of the church until know. So we lived together in an appartment. I am making my final exams of school at the moment (until june) so I am in high stress and I am financial dependent on him at the moment, because I had to work less to have time to finish school. I have no own flat, neither the money to make quick moves now.
We share our whole friend community, I don´t have close friends instead of them, I really don´t know how to deal with this. The last point is emotional, yes, but strong in me, even if it´s irrational. I really love him, and it confuses me that apart from this bad happening he is extremely supportive and loving to me, it doesn´t fit in the picture of an abusive character as he the one he has shown me yesterday. It seems to me that he is a completely different person during our normal life, I felt always protected, so the more I am confused now.
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You are young. It’s never too late to start afresh. I suspect you “fell in love” with each other as young, impressionable, and dreamy teens. It’s a first love. It’s not an eternal love.
It doesn’t matter who others think. If you now realize (and I think you do) that he is too immature to try to plan a life with, then end it. You are probably going to meet someone wonderful in the years to come. What’s the hurry? First lovers always believe that it can never be the same with anyone else. So untrue. You didn’t wait for marriage, and now he feels like you are his possession and that you must to conform to his wishes in all things.
That’s not love. Let me repeat. **That is not love. **If he loved you, this would never have become an issue. Many people marry young, but are also much more mature.
This is not the case here.
As one said before, thank the Lord that your eyes are open. Wish him well, be civil, pray for him and his release form his issues, and walk the other way. Your real friends will not abandon you. And the rest? Good riddance.
End it. It’s a bad idea to marry this kid. Stop making excuses for him. There’s no loss of face here. You made a mistake. Everybody does it. None of us are perfect. We trust the wrong people, we let our emotions run us, but in the end, the opinion of God is the only one that matters. And God does NOT want you to live this way. Your fiancé will be fine. He’ll simply find another girl that will allow and excuse his bad behavior, OR he will learn a lesson from this…and change his ways. Who knows, he might even grow up and get counseling. Wouldn’t that be a good thing?
You look after yourself and your own soul.
Peace.
 
pianistclare said:
You are young. It’s never too late to start afresh. I suspect you “fell in love” with each other as young, impressionable, and dreamy teens. It’s a first love. It’s not an eternal love.
It doesn’t matter who others think. If you now realize (and I think you do) that he is too immature to try to plan a life with, then end it. You are probably going to meet someone wonderful in the years to come. What’s the hurry? First lovers always believe that it can never be the same with anyone else. So untrue. You didn’t wait for marriage, and now he feels like you are his possession and that you must to conform to his wishes in all things.
That’s not love. Let me repeat. **That is not love. **If he loved you, this would never have become an issue. Many people marry young, but are also much more mature.
This is not the case here.
As one said before, thank the Lord that your eyes are open. Wish him well, be civil, pray for him and his release form his issues, and walk the other way. Your real friends will not abandon you. And the rest? Good riddance.
End it. It’s a bad idea to marry this kid. Stop making excuses for him. There’s no loss of face here. You made a mistake. Everybody does it. None of us are perfect. We trust the wrong people, we let our emotions run us, but in the end, the opinion of God is the only one that matters. And God does NOT want you to live this way. Your fiancé will be fine. He’ll simply find another girl that will allow and excuse his bad behavior, OR he will learn a lesson from this…and change his ways. Who knows, he might even grow up and get counseling. Wouldn’t that be a good thing?
You look after yourself and your own soul.
Peace.
Click to expand...
Also, I’ll add, you certainly should not marry and bring children into this kind of abuse.
:tsktsk:
 
My heart goes out to you - in the past, I was with someone who used to lash out physically. I thought it would get better, but it didn’t - it got worse.

A man who can’t control himself and hits the one he is supposed to love the most will not change, I’m afraid. Please think very carefully about what you are about to commit to. A life of wariness and low self-esteem is no life, really.
 
I think your first priority ought to be getting into a “safe place”. By this I mean not just in terms of a residence, I also am thinking of your not being so torn that you don’t have time to think in a clear-headed manner. All other matters have a way of being worked through. However, your safety is first.

Given what you have stated about his background, his attitudes and behavior are not something that will be corrected in simple, daily conversations. There ought to be resources for you to seek assistance with this situation: a priest, a pastor, a nun, or some community organization for women. You are not in a safe relationship. I’ll include you in my prayers. Be safe.
 
My friend married a man like this. Soon after they were married he went from psychological abuse to physical abuse. One night many years later he came home with a broken bottle and heavy duty garbage bags and tried to kill her with the intent of disposing of her in the bags. I hate to be so graphic, but I am telling you this so that it might wake up out of this. Abusive men don’t change without severe and intense psychological work, which 99% of them won’t do. Please leave. Things will only get worse. I also would recommend reading Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft
 
As a boy I was taught never to hit or do violence unto a woman. It’s unfortunate that your fiance was never taught that, and he seems to be a victim of bad parenting. But you do not, nor should not, have to be his victim. If he is willing to slap you now, how will it be in the future?

These things never get better without intense determination and will to change from the perpetrator. If he has a will to change, tell him to go see a therapist and after he has started dealing with his issues and is no longer a danger to you, you can decide if you wish to continue a relationship. That will take years, however. In the meantime, you need to separate yourself from this situation and stop putting yourself in harm’s way.

Unlike others, I won’t suggest I know your fiancee’s heart. He may truly love you. But if he is hurting you, even if it is because he himself has been hurt by his upbringing, that love is disordered and poisoned and can’t amount to anything good. He would be showing much greater love by letting you until he can properly deal with his issues.
 
Thank our Lord for seeing this sooner. He gave you a slap whether it was hard or not, come on this is UNACCEPTABLE. Pray for him and pray to our blessed Mother to help you have the strength in leaving for good. Love does NOT equate to pain, especially physical pain.

My prayers are with you.

God bless!
 
Celia24 said:
There are man things making this so complicated and confusing for me. I am not catholic, I didn´t followed the rules of the church until know. So we lived together in an appartment. I am making my final exams of school at the moment (until june) so I am in high stress and I am financial dependent on him at the moment, because I had to work less to have time to finish school. I have no own flat, neither the money to make quick moves now.
We share our whole friend community, I don´t have close friends instead of them, I really don´t know how to deal with this. The last point is emotional, yes, but strong in me, even if it´s irrational. I really love him, and it confuses me that apart from this bad happening he is extremely supportive and loving to me, it doesn´t fit in the picture of an abusive character as he the one he has shown me yesterday. It seems to me that he is a completely different person during our normal life, I felt always protected, so the more I am confused now.
Click to expand...
You are confused, but we are not. We see this guy as he really is: an abusive fiancé who will be an even more abusive husband. I don’t think you “love” him as much as you are financially dependent on him and are afraid to be on your own; he will use that to control you FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. Right now, he is nicer more than he is mean, but soon that will change. Give him back the ring, move out and live under a park bench if you have to until graduation; if you don’t get away now, you will find yourself in the hospital sooner or later, making excuses for the animal that put you there and live your life in fear of being beat up by someone who is suppose to be taking care of you.
 
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