Bad problems with fiancé,please help

[lp22]

You would never purchase damaged goods, would you?o.

Well the song in Frozen says we are all fixer-uppers

But IMHO this started on the wrong foot and steps haven’t been taken to correct it. Temper is about anxiety, fear - so in reality the person who is losing the temper needs to be loved instantly. But I have been in your shoes, and I know how difficult it is to love someone who was threatening you. Because then YOU are the one who is fearful. And then YOU lose YOUR temper. So it requires a great deal of maturity and understanding.

My husband came from a violent family and he had a great deal of fear and anxiety sometimes unfounded from my view but it was there because of his family of origin. So he lost his temper, he put holes in walls, he hurt us physically, but he was in need of help.

So if you stay with this guy you just have to know what you’re dealing with and have to be ready, like Anna Maria Taigi, to love him and soothe him no matter how many times he loses his tempe, because he is more afraid and more upset by whatever happened than you or I would be.

I haven’t tried it because I just learned this.

Having said that, you have to know that this temper is probably going to damage your children if not corrected or correctable. So that’s really the thing that is at issue here. He needs help. IMHO JMHO JMJ

 

[Galbin]

Well the song in Frozen says we are all fixer-uppers

But IMHO this started on the wrong foot and steps haven’t been taken to correct it. Temper is about anxiety, fear - so in reality the person who is losing the temper needs to be loved instantly. But I have been in your shoes, and I know how difficult it is to love someone who was threatening you. Because then YOU are the one who is fearful. And then YOU lose YOUR temper. So it requires a great deal of maturity and understanding.

My husband came from a violent family and he had a great deal of fear and anxiety sometimes unfounded from my view but it was there because of his family of origin. So he lost his temper, he put holes in walls, he hurt us physically, but he was in need of help.

So if you stay with this guy you just have to know what you’re dealing with and have to be ready, like Anna Maria Taigi, to love him and soothe him no matter how many times he loses his tempe, because he is more afraid and more upset by whatever happened than you or I would be.

I haven’t tried it because I just learned this.

Having said that, you have to know that this temper is probably going to damage your children if not corrected or correctable. So that’s really the thing that is at issue here. He needs help. IMHO JMHO JMJ

How long has your husband refrained from abusive behavior? Did he seek therapy to address his issues?

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

There are man things making this so complicated and confusing

The reason that it seems complicated and confusing is that you are a victim, and victims don’t always think and act rationally.

If you stick around, you’re going to have many more problems. This person is not marriage material. He is simply treating others as he was treated, including you, and will do the same with his children. This person is in dire need of counseling.

 

[thequeen]

Leave him now Go to Saint Vincent Depaul go to a women shelter please for your own safety get him out of your life. Believe me I know what I am talking about I had the same problem with boyfriend when I was around your age.

 

[Celia24]

First of all- Thank you so much for all the answers. Of course I don´t want to live the rest of my life in an abusive relationship, but on the other hand I would be glad If there ws an alternative for leaving, because it´s not that childish kind of first love some readers may see here. I now how this sounds, 21, bad boyfriend, I think I would have thought the same about a stranger telling me this with this background. Financial dependence is of course a theme, but I workes full time and earned enough money for me until this year and haven´t this feeling of “wow, now I can finally leave”- even if I know he has problems like this, not that I knew he would slap me, but I got to know him enogh to see he´s got sometimes a problem to live with his anger. Maybe one reason for my tolerance for that could be my own problems with that, I couldn´t handle my temper and my anger for a lond time, damaging not the first door in my life. I know by myself how quick you can get there, even if that should never ever be an excuse for hitting a person. But knowing this from my own personality , in your words “knowing I am a damaged good, too” maybe made me more tolerant or forgiving on this theme. (bah,bad english, sorry- still thinking in german doesn´t make this more easy…)
We started our live together with this background. With many problems, but I always had the feel that we are still in a way good for each other. When I got to know him, I was heavily ill ( a bad epilepsy) and he said he would never marry again (he is divorced, both were not catholic) and it feels that we heel a little bit together. I got healthy with his support, and he told me he believes he has finally found someone to trust. There was no teenage romance from the start of our relationship, we both have seen to much for this in our lives. Then I got interested in christianity again(after a long time, I was raised christian). I know we could go different ways now without a sin in the catholic way, we haven´t benn married, but for me it feels different. It feels like cheating, because we have shared a married life (if sin or not, practically we did) and I don´t feel the promises we gave each other aren´t broken then, valid or not…
Some update on the current situation: We had a short talk yesterday. As you may think, he apologizes many times and I tld him short It should never happend again. I have no energy or time for that big discussions right now, because I need to prepare for my exams and maybe it would be the best too wait until this is over. …

 

[His_helpmeet]

First of all- Thank you so much for all the answers. Of course I don´t want to live the rest of my life in an abusive relationship, but on the other hand I would be glad If there ws an alternative for leaving, because it´s not that childish kind of first love some readers may see here. I now how this sounds, 21, bad boyfriend, I think I would have thought the same about a stranger telling me this with this background. Financial dependence is of course a theme, but I workes full time and earned enough money for me until this year and haven´t this feeling of “wow, now I can finally leave”- even if I know he has problems like this, not that I knew he would slap me, but I got to know him enogh to see he´s got sometimes a problem to live with his anger. Maybe one reason for my tolerance for that could be my own problems with that, I couldn´t handle my temper and my anger for a lond time, damaging not the first door in my life. I know by myself how quick you can get there, even if that should never ever be an excuse for hitting a person. But knowing this from my own personality , in your words “knowing I am a damaged good, too” maybe made me more tolerant or forgiving on this theme. (bah,bad english, sorry- still thinking in german doesn´t make this more easy…)
We started our live together with this background. With many problems, but I always had the feel that we are still in a way good for each other. When I got to know him, I was heavily ill ( a bad epilepsy) and he said he would never marry again (he is divorced, both were not catholic) and it feels that we heel a little bit together. I got healthy with his support, and he told me he believes he has finally found someone to trust. There was no teenage romance from the start of our relationship, we both have seen to much for this in our lives. Then I got interested in christianity again(after a long time, I was raised christian). I know we could go different ways now without a sin in the catholic way, we haven´t benn married, but for me it feels different. It feels like cheating, because we have shared a married life (if sin or not, practically we did) and I don´t feel the promises we gave each other aren´t broken then, valid or not…
Some update on the current situation: We had a short talk yesterday. As you may think, he apologizes many times and I tld him short It should never happend again. I have no energy or time for that big discussions right now, because I need to prepare for my exams and maybe it would be the best too wait until this is over. …

Unfortunately, a “love/forgiveness” phase is a part of the cycle of abuse. This man has hit you once and has ALREADY shown you that his temper is unstable. What if he did that to a child you had together? What if you had children together and he hit you IN FRONT OF your children?

A few tips you may find helpful:

1. The abuse is NEVER your fault. It is NEVER acceptable to physically harm your spouse. EVER. Making excuses for it isn’t acceptable either. What if he KILLED you one day? (It’s been known to happen, sadly.) What would he say then? “I was damaged goods and I couldn’t help it”? The fact that he has already hit you once suggests, strongly, that he will hit you again.
2. Call a women’s shelter or a domestic violence hotline for advice. Then, call the Weather Network or something totally innocuous afterward. This way, if he presses “redial”, he won’t know that you looked for help.
3. Squirrel away as much cash as you can. Cash is preferable to a bank account because he can’t trace you with a cash transaction, and because he can freeze a joint account - but he can’t freeze cash. Also squirrel away copies of important documents.
4. When you do leave, do it when he’s not around and go to a safe place. It’s often best to avoid friends and family simply because he may look for you there. See if you can find a women’s shelter that has good security. Unfortunately violence often escalates when a partner tries to leave - and it can become homicidal.
5. Do NOT get pregnant with this man. Try and avoid intercourse as much as possible - particularly if you think you’re ovulating. (As a Catholic I can’t recommend artificial birth control, but do try to keep from lovemaking if you think you might be able to get pregnant. I also recognize that he may force intercourse on you.) Violence often escalates during pregnancy - plus he may end up with rights to the baby.
6. After you leave, seek counselling for yourself. Often women tend to fall into the trap of going back into an abusive relationship, simply because they’ve been conditioned by their partner to believe they are truly in love and that the abuse was warranted. Counselling can help you to understand that you deserve better than this.
7. Above all, pray. Ask St. Rita of Cascia to pray for you - she was an abused wife as well, but her husband converted to Catholicism after she prayed for him. Think of yourself as a daughter of the King of Kings. Would a man who hits you be what ANY father would want for his daughter? If that’s not what an ordinary father would want, HOW MUCH MORE does the Heavenly Father not want that for His princess? Ask the Father’s forgiveness for your BF as well. I’ll keep you in my prayers.

 

[lily22]

You don’t need the drama. A man is your protector and provider. Stand up girl!!!

 

[pianistclare]

Unfortunately, a “love/forgiveness” phase is a part of the cycle of abuse. This man has hit you once and has ALREADY shown you that his temper is unstable. What if he did that to a child you had together? What if you had children together and he hit you IN FRONT OF your children?

A few tips you may find helpful:

1. The abuse is NEVER your fault. It is NEVER acceptable to physically harm your spouse. EVER. Making excuses for it isn’t acceptable either. What if he KILLED you one day? (It’s been known to happen, sadly.) What would he say then? “I was damaged goods and I couldn’t help it”? The fact that he has already hit you once suggests, strongly, that he will hit you again.
2. Call a women’s shelter or a domestic violence hotline for advice. Then, call the Weather Network or something totally innocuous afterward. This way, if he presses “redial”, he won’t know that you looked for help.
3. Squirrel away as much cash as you can. Cash is preferable to a bank account because he can’t trace you with a cash transaction, and because he can freeze a joint account - but he can’t freeze cash. Also squirrel away copies of important documents.
4. When you do leave, do it when he’s not around and go to a safe place. It’s often best to avoid friends and family simply because he may look for you there. See if you can find a women’s shelter that has good security. Unfortunately violence often escalates when a partner tries to leave - and it can become homicidal.
5. Do NOT get pregnant with this man. Try and avoid intercourse as much as possible - particularly if you think you’re ovulating. (As a Catholic I can’t recommend artificial birth control, but do try to keep from lovemaking if you think you might be able to get pregnant. I also recognize that he may force intercourse on you.) Violence often escalates during pregnancy - plus he may end up with rights to the baby.
6. After you leave, seek counselling for yourself. Often women tend to fall into the trap of going back into an abusive relationship, simply because they’ve been conditioned by their partner to believe they are truly in love and that the abuse was warranted. Counselling can help you to understand that you deserve better than this.
7. Above all, pray. Ask St. Rita of Cascia to pray for you - she was an abused wife as well, but her husband converted to Catholicism after she prayed for him. Think of yourself as a daughter of the King of Kings. Would a man who hits you be what ANY father would want for his daughter? If that’s not what an ordinary father would want, HOW MUCH MORE does the Heavenly Father not want that for His princess? Ask the Father’s forgiveness for your BF as well. I’ll keep you in my prayers.

OP, this is excellent advice. ^^^ READ IT CAREFULLY.
You say this is no young romance. Are you kidding? You are 21.
You’ve been engaged for 2.5 years?
This most certainly is a mistake of your youth.
He’s been married before? Why did the first marriage fail? Did you ask him that? Was it because his first wife was “stupid”? Is he still angry with her? Did she leave HIM?
All warning signs my dear. He is not marriage material.
Move on.
You both have some growing up to do. You both need counseling. It’s hard when you are critically ill and someone shows you a kindness…but in the long run…after you find out the true colors, SO not worth the pain. Be kind to YOURSELF and escape this relationship! Stop making excuses. You know in your heart that this is a bad situation. You said so in your OP.
Get out and away now. please.

 

[Christy_Beth]

First of all- Thank you so much for all the answers. Of course I don´t want to live the rest of my life in an abusive relationship, but on the other hand I would be glad If there ws an alternative for leaving, because it´s not that childish kind of first love some readers may see here. I now how this sounds, 21, bad boyfriend, I think I would have thought the same about a stranger telling me this with this background. Financial dependence is of course a theme, but I workes full time and earned enough money for me until this year and haven´t this feeling of “wow, now I can finally leave”- even if I know he has problems like this, not that I knew he would slap me, but I got to know him enogh to see he´s got sometimes a problem to live with his anger. Maybe one reason for my tolerance for that could be my own problems with that, I couldn´t handle my temper and my anger for a lond time, damaging not the first door in my life. I know by myself how quick you can get there, even if that should never ever be an excuse for hitting a person. But knowing this from my own personality , in your words “knowing I am a damaged good, too” maybe made me more tolerant or forgiving on this theme. (bah,bad english, sorry- still thinking in german doesn´t make this more easy…)
We started our live together with this background. With many problems, but I always had the feel that we are still in a way good for each other. When I got to know him, I was heavily ill ( a bad epilepsy) and he said he would never marry again (he is divorced, both were not catholic) and it feels that we heel a little bit together. I got healthy with his support, and he told me he believes he has finally found someone to trust. There was no teenage romance from the start of our relationship, we both have seen to much for this in our lives. Then I got interested in christianity again(after a long time, I was raised christian). I know we could go different ways now without a sin in the catholic way, we haven´t benn married, but for me it feels different. It feels like cheating, because we have shared a married life (if sin or not, practically we did) and I don´t feel the promises we gave each other aren´t broken then, valid or not…
Some update on the current situation: We had a short talk yesterday. As you may think, he apologizes many times and I tld him short It should never happend again. I have no energy or time for that big discussions right now, because I need to prepare for my exams and maybe it would be the best too wait until this is over. …

Follow advice already given. The longer you wait to leave, the harder it gets. You don’t need to become a statistic, but that’s where you’re headed. Please, for your own sake just leave.

 

[Rau]

Hello to all,

I hope it isn´t strange to post something like this just after my registration, but I am very sad and hope to get some useful advice here.

I am 21 and engaged for 1 1/2 years now. Of course we had our conflicts, but right now I don´t know how to deal with it. My fiance is sometimes really intemperate. We have conflicts caused by silly reasons I often can´t understand, sometimes it seems we speak a completely different language. He feels offended and hurt and reacts extremely harsh when he only over-reacts in my eyes- but it´s impossible to talk about this issues constructively because he can´t see how his acting comes out for other people. It´s like a strong shield he builds around, and he doesn´t doubt his point of viewing. Problem is the agression. It has happened twice that he throws my things outside (me inclusive). Yesterday he gave me a slap, not strong and excuses immediately for this, but it happened. In his eyes, he is always the hurt, sometimes I think he is extremely insecure and mistakes the harsh acting to other people for intransigence. I know he has grown up in a very bad family with cruelty , emotional and physical, and maybe this caused his behaviour a lot, sometimes I think he sees to many things as a fight.
Well, long post, short and difficult question- what to do? I love him, he loves me.but this is really not bearable for me.

I thank everyone in adance for only reading this and of course I would be happy to read some answers. God bless you all.

The man does indeed seem insecure and immature. And throwing your things out of the apartment and hitting you is extreme and a great concern

Given your engagement has lasted 18months, and given you do not seem to have any fear for your own safety, I think the most important thing is to not progress the relationship at this time any further than it currently stands. Take a little time to get past your exams. Try to keep an objective view of you Fiancé’s behaviour. Then seriously think about how your life is likely to be, how your children’s life is likely to be, with this man assuming his behaviour is unchanged. And how good a partner will he be for you if you further your moves back toward the faith/church? The odds are that his behaviour will not change. Of course, you need to be alert to any risk of him having a violent episode and be able to leave quickly if that became evident or likely. Should you choose to end the relationship, that may be a particularly dangerous time, and you should prepare accordingly.

 

[Gina_Lee]

He went from throwing things to slapping you. What’s next a punch?

There is no excuse and no explaining.

His background doesn’t matter. People have grownup in abusive situations and gotten help before they continued with the cycle.

For your safety you must not continue.

Blessings

 

[pessimist]

I agree with the others on here. You need to get out of that relationship. You’re going to have to set your emotions to the side. This guy is clearly demonstrating all the traits of an abusive and dangerous husband. Emotions are fleeting. How can you truly love someone who abuses you? Do the rational thing. Leave.

Too many battered and abused women in the world, hopefully you choose not to be one of them.

Good luck.

 

[PennyinCanada]

Our God has taught us that men and women are not to live as husband and wife until they come before God, family, and friends and declare their intentions to be married. Since the pill became available, this very black and white line has become grey, and couples decide to live together without being married because they can have sex and no children. In God’s original design, He made sex to be the ‘super-glue’ that keeps a husband and wife together through the difficult times. When the super-glue is applied before it’s time, we can’t think straight. The time of dating and courtship is the time to be chaste and to think soberly. To look at the person without the hormones involved. This is why you are confused, you’ve applied the super-glue too soon and now can’t see the obvious. If it was your friend you would have no trouble asking her to find a way to leave and leave now.

God wants so much for you to walk in his blessing. Please, as Easter is upon us, return to church and make a commitment to God to remove yourself from living with this man. Even if he was a wonderful man, I would still advise you to separate from him and to honor God with how you live your life, honorably and with chastity. I would advise you to find a man that wishes to live his life in the same manner, to honor you by living chastely and not putting you in an occasion of sin and separation from the friendship of God and His blessing.

Chastity says, “I believe that I am worth waiting for. I am a unique unrepeatable person who has a unique unrepeatable gift to offer.” By living chastity, you are saying YES to your own dignity and honoring the person God made you to be.

To every person you meet—especially those of the opposite sex—chastity says, “I will not put you in a position where I may use or hurt you. I will respect who you are, including your body. I will govern my eyes and thoughts so that they honor you.” Since sex is “saying your wedding vows with your body instead of your voice,”2 a commitment to chastity is a promise to never tell a lie with your body.

catholic.net/index.php?option=dedestaca&id=6832

Prudence is the virtue that disposes practical reason to discern our true good in every circumstance and to choose the right means of achieving it; "the prudent man looks where he is going."65 "Keep sane and sober for your prayers."66 Prudence is “right reason in action,”

Fortitude is the moral virtue that ensures firmness in difficulties and constancy in the pursuit of the good. It strengthens the resolve to resist temptations and to overcome obstacles in the moral life.

vatican.va/archive/ccc_css/archive/catechism/p3s1c1a7.htm

This time you have as a student is a time to learn, to meet different people, to grow in maturity and independence, and most importantly, to come even closer to God that you might stay on the path He has for you. Living with a man has really caused this to go sideways. Come back to the path of holiness and firm your resolve to stay close to God. This is the kind of decision that, when you look back, you will never be sorry.

May God guide and strengthen you today.

 

[pianistclare]

Our God has taught us that men and women are not to live as husband and wife until they come before God, family, and friends and declare their intentions to be married. Since the pill became available, this very black and white line has become grey, and couples decide to live together without being married because they can have sex and no children. In God’s original design, He made sex to be the ‘super-glue’ that keeps a husband and wife together through the difficult times. When the super-glue is applied before it’s time, we can’t think straight. The time of dating and courtship is the time to be chaste and to think soberly. To look at the person without the hormones involved. This is why you are confused, you’ve applied the super-glue too soon and now can’t see the obvious. If it was your friend you would have no trouble asking her to find a way to leave and leave now.

God wants so much for you to walk in his blessing. Please, as Easter is upon us, return to church and make a commitment to God to remove yourself from living with this man. Even if he was a wonderful man, I would still advise you to separate from him and to honor God with how you live your life, honorably and with chastity. I would advise you to find a man that wishes to live his life in the same manner, to honor you by living chastely and not putting you in an occasion of sin and separation from the friendship of God and His blessing.

This time you have as a student is a time to learn, to meet different people, to grow in maturity and independence, and most importantly, to come even closer to God that you might stay on the path He has for you. Living with a man has really caused this to go sideways. Come back to the path of holiness and firm your resolve to stay close to God. This is the kind of decision that, when you look back, you will never be sorry.

May God guide and strengthen you today.

OP, heed this^^^.
An be assured of our prayers.