Bad relationship with my Dad

[strings385]

Hi, for a long time now my wife & I have had a not so great relationship with my father. The entire story is too much to explain here without righting a novel, lol, but it’s really been bothering me lately because I keep thinking about the 10 Commandments and we are to Honor our mother and father. How am I supposed to honor my father when I have absolutely no respect for him anymore and he treats my wife & I like we are his whipping posts that owe him the world? I try so hard to turn the other cheek but things have become so tense between us that we barely even talk or do anything together anymore. Due to some bad things that have happened to him in the past few years, he’s grown very bitter. He’s so negative, thay he makes me depressed everytime I see him. We’ve tried immensely to help him, in material andspiritual ways and nnothing seems to work. He shows no appreciation and acts like it’s his God given right. This hurts so much and it causes problems in my marriage occasionally as well. I feel so hopeless about this situation. Have any of you been through a similar situation? I’ve prayed for peace between us many times, but we just seem to grow apart more.

 

[tawny]

Hi, for a long time now my wife & I have had a not so great relationship with my father. The entire story is too much to explain here without righting a novel, lol, but it’s really been bothering me lately because I keep thinking about the 10 Commandments and we are to Honor our mother and father. How am I supposed to honor my father when I have absolutely no respect for him anymore and he treats my wife & I like we are his whipping posts that owe him the world? I try so hard to turn the other cheek but things have become so tense between us that we barely even talk or do anything together anymore. Due to some bad things that have happened to him in the past few years, he’s grown very bitter. He’s so negative, thay he makes me depressed everytime I see him. We’ve tried immensely to help him, in material andspiritual ways and nnothing seems to work. He shows no appreciation and acts like it’s his God given right. This hurts so much and it causes problems in my marriage occasionally as well. I feel so hopeless about this situation. Have any of you been through a similar situation? I’ve prayed for peace between us many times, but we just seem to grow apart more.

Praying for you & your Dad.

 

[Miserissima]

In addition to praying for him, I want to recommend two books: Toxic Parents and The Passive Aggressive Man. Read them for understanding him and gentle defensive tactics for your emotional health. Read them thoroughly before you employ any on the verbal defensive tactics, though. God bless!

 

[GratefulFred]

Due to some bad things that have happened to him in the past few years, he’s grown very bitter. He’s so negative, thay he makes me depressed everytime I see him. . . . This hurts so much and it causes problems in my marriage occasionally as well. I feel so hopeless about this situation. . . . I’ve prayed for peace between us many times, but we just seem to grow apart more.

Hi Strings,

You’ve presented some of the symptoms and identified the apparent root cause of your father’s bitterness.

The solution is to work on the cause. Who should work it is another matter. You love your father, but you may not be the best qualified to help him reduce his bitterness. Or you may be able to work parts of it while others work the others parts.

As a married man, you honor your father in many ways. Some ways may be closed because of his bitterness. You can honor him by not angering him, not trying to control him, not trying to solve his problem/s he is not ready to solve himself.

I presume you know the bad things that happened. We here do not need to know. You could read up on the problem and find ways to proceed. You could provide him with written material he might read in private. Perhaps you can connect him with experts in those areas that are not working out as he hoped. It may be prudent to meet with a priest to determine how to proceed.

Let time be your ally. Continue to pray and trust in God’s sense of timing. Major problems are not solved overnight or in a few weeks. The one with the problem has to be engaged in working the solution.

If he insists in rejecting your efforts, let him be. Do not let your father’s problem bring you down too far or damage your PRIMARY relationship - that with your wife. If the situation is affecting your marriage, your own outlook on life, you could have more than one problem.

 

[Cricket2]

Hi, for a long time now my wife & I have had a not so great relationship with my father. The entire story is too much to explain here without righting a novel, lol, but it’s really been bothering me lately because I keep thinking about the 10 Commandments and we are to Honor our mother and father. How am I supposed to honor my father when I have absolutely no respect for him anymore and he treats my wife & I like we are his whipping posts that owe him the world? I try so hard to turn the other cheek but things have become so tense between us that we barely even talk or do anything together anymore. Due to some bad things that have happened to him in the past few years, he’s grown very bitter. He’s so negative, thay he makes me depressed everytime I see him. We’ve tried immensely to help him, in material andspiritual ways and nnothing seems to work. He shows no appreciation and acts like it’s his God given right. This hurts so much and it causes problems in my marriage occasionally as well. I feel so hopeless about this situation. Have any of you been through a similar situation? I’ve prayed for peace between us many times, but we just seem to grow apart more.

I guess you could say I experienced this via proxy? My paternal grandmother had a pretty bad effect on all three of her son’s marriages. The grandchildren of course got to see and experience the side effects of this.

We did manage to cope, but it was not easy, and it was years of coping and dealing with this issue. Honestly I have to say put your marriage first. You may need to minimize your interaction with your father to a great extent to do that. I know that would be difficult, but there are limits to what we can do for others when they are this difficult.

Really until your father wants help anything you do may be nothing more than a reason for him to attack. I pray you can find a happy medium. With my grandmother it finally came about that she accepted help when she was too ill to do anything else. Once we were able to have anti-depressants prescribed it was like meeting a new person. I can’t help but wonder if your father has a long term and untreated depression. Just a thought.

 

[aachristopher]

Please do not allow this to interfere with the relationship you have with your wife. Make sure that you assure her that you are putting your marriage first.

My in-laws, may they both RIP, were alcoholics and for years we distanced ourselves from them for our own protection. Sadly, we did not even tell them that we were getting married as they were at times just so toxic and their behaviour un-predictable.

I’ve no doubt that you continue to love your Father, even though you say that you do not respect him. I might suggest that this could be deflected hurt. In different circumstances you would feel completely different about your father.

As much as you can, practice forgiving him from deep down in your heart - every day. The forgiveness is for YOUR benefit. This will free up YOUR mind, YOUR heart and YOUR soul and stop you getting caught in a cycle of bitterness.

God Bless you.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

My relationship with my father became so bad at one point that I stopped communicating with him. I think this is a last resort and that if possible one should find a way to stay in touch. But only you know if there is anything that can be done and how much you can cope with. I just couldn’t cope anymore, because he was badly affecting my mental health, and as a consequence my family. Boundaries must be drawn and I decided to put my family first rather than the narcissistic control freak.

Can you keep your relationship really superficial? A short phone call once a month, a couple of visits a year? In this way the door is still open and you will be there for him if he needs you but you are not at his mercy and you dictate the rules.