Bad visit at home

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crenfro

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Hello.

Recently I visited home after not being there for 5 years and it went badly.

It ended up with me being asked to never come back and possibly being disinherited.

I’ve already talked with my therapist and went to confession, but I feel like I’ve been beat up.

The bad family stuff started with me asking “why is there breakfast today” when I’d been told the day before there would be no cooked breakfast, we’d have to fix it ourselves, which didn’t bother me in the least; I was just curious to know why breakfast happened when I’d been told breakfast wouldn’t happen. That’s when another family member lit into me with anger. It was very odd and hurtful anger.

The deciding event was when I was told I couldn’t dry my sweater in the dryer for 10-20 minutes because, well, because this same certain family member just didn’t want me to use the dryer. It wasn’t in use, no one was planning to use it. And I’d been using the dryer before during my visit and suddenly it was no longer allowed for no understandable reason.

So, I burst into tears and got angry. Then I was told I was no longer welcome at home, then, while I was packing to leave, the same person told me not to be an idiot and not to leave and started unpacking my suitcase while I tried to pack it.

But I insisted on leaving, so I did, but during the process I got threatened with disinheritance.

So now I’m back here with my husband, somewhat relieved though I feel like I’ve been beat up.

During confession the priest gave me a heavier than usual penance and now I feel like I’m being punished because I was verbally abused at home.

Either I’m crazy, excessively proud and self-righteous or I don’t know what, but I am definitely confused.

Perhaps God is putting me through this trial to strengthen my faith, I dunno.

I wonder what sort of person I am since the above sort of family is where I came from. I don’t want to be like that, so I was told to pray for them, but I feel emotionally beat up right now and I don’t understand it.

I also feel so bad that I don’t want to go back to church any more and that God has abandoned me.

Any supportive, constructive comments are welcome, but if it’s possible, please hold any self-righteous comments for another post.

Thanks for listening and please pray for me.
 
Dear sister,
I can relate to your feelings, after arguments with my family of origin in the past I often felt the same way. What’s wrong with me? What did I do wrong?
It sounds like you haven’t done anything wrong, you just have a dysfunctional family member. I’m glad you have a husband to support you and hope he is truly supportive.

It could be that the priest had decided to change the type of penances he gives, they do that at times I believe. If you really wonder you could ask him. Also he could only go by what you confessed to him, and I suspect you may have been hard on yourself.
The sort of person you are is like many of the rest of us, a good Catholic struggling with an imperfect family. I hope you will not stop going to church because of this, because God is our only real source of comfort and love. He has not abandoned you, and you are certainly not alone. Sounds like you have a controlling family member who says things in anger and then is surprised when people take them seriously. Perhaps distancing yourself from that person will help you more than distancing yourself from God.
Will pray for your peace and joy in Christ.
 
In my experience, everybody gets more or less the same penance on any particular day. I think I could confess murdering a family member and get one Our Father, one Hail Mary, and the task of doing something special for a family member. (Kidding! Kind of.) I wouldn’t put any weight on the largeness of the penance.

crenfro said:

“I also feel so bad that I don’t want to go back to church any more and that God has abandoned me.”

You’ve just been in an emotional funhouse (and not the fun kind). It makes sense that you feel dizzy, disoriented and confused by your recent experience, because you’ve had to deal with CRAZY. It will take you a while to get your feet back, but you’ll eventually recover. If you don’t feel much better in about two weeks, revisit the issue.
 
Going “back home” can certainly be an intense experience, that’s for sure. Maybe it would just be better to see the difficult person in shorter visits, maybe not involving overnights. There may be other things you are simply not aware of, or there may just be too much irritation or past history going on there.
Hopefully it will get a bit better over time. It’s funny that you mention the dryer, because my in-laws have BIG TIME dryer control issues. It must be fairly common. 🙂
 
crenfro said:

"The deciding event was when I was told I couldn’t dry my sweater in the dryer for 10-20 minutes because, well, because this same certain family member just didn’t want me to use the dryer. It wasn’t in use, no one was planning to use it. And I’d been using the dryer before during my visit and suddenly it was no longer allowed for no understandable reason.

“So, I burst into tears and got angry. Then I was told I was no longer welcome at home, then, while I was packing to leave, the same person told me not to be an idiot and not to leave and started unpacking my suitcase while I tried to pack it.”

So crazy!!!

Presumably, there’s a reason why it’s been 5 years since your last visit. How was the last one?
 
So sorry for your pain. God has not abandoned you. When you went to Confession, were you confessing this situation in particular? Did you make yourself seem more guilty than you really were, by using unnecessarily strong language to describe your reactions (sometimes, for example, I might say “I bore contempt” when what I really mean is something more like “I was very annoyed”), or by not letting him know how hurtful your family had been to provoke anger? I’m sorry that he appeared to slight you, even if he had not intention of doing so.

Is there any reason why you HAVE to see your family? “Honor they father and mother” doesn’t mean that you have to maintain contact with abusive people.
 
Oh, dear, I am so sorry.

I know the pain you are in. It sounds very similar to my experiences. It sounds as though this someone who verbally accosted and bullied you is abusive. Of course, abusers have a way of being SO confident in their actions that they make the victims feel like it was their fault.

Your priest may have got the wrong impression. Like the person above me stated, you may have exaggerated your part in the blow-up to make it sound like it was your fault. Sometimes victims of abuse do that when they are in panic mode. Maybe you could go back to him. I don’t know. Probably someone else will have a good suggestion for you regarding that.

Stay in counseling, stay with the Church. I will pray that you will always feel safe in the Church. Whenever you feel scared, try and imagine yourself “under her starry mantle”.

Good counseling will help you discover if this is something that you can tolerate with special management/boundaries, or if it is something too toxic for you to handle.

You are not a bad person because this happened. I am sorry that you are hurting. Please know that you are not alone. God bless you.
 
😉 The problem with this relative has been going on a long time, hasn’t it? It always ends up the same way, right? I have a relative that I will spend 3 hours with, tops. No matter what other family members say, I just don’t hang out with this relative. Maybe you are trying too hard and should just avoid this relative.
 
I am so sorry to hear of your anguish. As much as you could reach out to your family in good will, it seems there could be bad, past feelings still harboring. Could there be some resentment of your good fortune/nature compared to their own? I have seen this between adult, even elderly siblings in several families. Such a waste of time in life. Have you ever had a “heart to heart” talk with those who distress you the most?
 
crenfro said:
Hello.

Recently I visited home after not being there for 5 years and it went badly.

It ended up with me being asked to never come back and possibly being disinherited.

I’ve already talked with my therapist and went to confession, but I feel like I’ve been beat up.

The bad family stuff started with me asking “why is there breakfast today” when I’d been told the day before there would be no cooked breakfast, we’d have to fix it ourselves, which didn’t bother me in the least; I was just curious to know why breakfast happened when I’d been told breakfast wouldn’t happen. That’s when another family member lit into me with anger. It was very odd and hurtful anger.

The deciding event was when I was told I couldn’t dry my sweater in the dryer for 10-20 minutes because, well, because this same certain family member just didn’t want me to use the dryer. It wasn’t in use, no one was planning to use it. And I’d been using the dryer before during my visit and suddenly it was no longer allowed for no understandable reason.

So, I burst into tears and got angry. Then I was told I was no longer welcome at home, then, while I was packing to leave, the same person told me not to be an idiot and not to leave and started unpacking my suitcase while I tried to pack it.

But I insisted on leaving, so I did, but during the process I got threatened with disinheritance.

So now I’m back here with my husband, somewhat relieved though I feel like I’ve been beat up.

During confession the priest gave me a heavier than usual penance and now I feel like I’m being punished because I was verbally abused at home.

Either I’m crazy, excessively proud and self-righteous or I don’t know what, but I am definitely confused.

Perhaps God is putting me through this trial to strengthen my faith, I dunno.

I wonder what sort of person I am since the above sort of family is where I came from. I don’t want to be like that, so I was told to pray for them, but I feel emotionally beat up right now and I don’t understand it.

I also feel so bad that I don’t want to go back to church any more and that God has abandoned me.

Any supportive, constructive comments are welcome, but if it’s possible, please hold any self-righteous comments for another post.

Thanks for listening and please pray for me.
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I am sorry what the visit home that went bad. I am not sure after being away for 5 years if it was wise to stay in the home in an effort to reconnect with the family. I am wondering if you should find a new therapist for help and change in direction for you. I’ts hard for us on the outside and on the internet to understand or know what happen with the things you listed but again I wouldn’t give up and maybe use this time to get a new advisor.
 
crenfro said:
Hello.

Recently I visited home after not being there for 5 years and it went badly.

It ended up with me being asked to never come back and possibly being disinherited.

I’ve already talked with my therapist and went to confession, but I feel like I’ve been beat up.

The bad family stuff started with me asking “why is there breakfast today” when I’d been told the day before there would be no cooked breakfast, we’d have to fix it ourselves, which didn’t bother me in the least; I was just curious to know why breakfast happened when I’d been told breakfast wouldn’t happen. That’s when another family member lit into me with anger. It was very odd and hurtful anger.

The deciding event was when I was told I couldn’t dry my sweater in the dryer for 10-20 minutes because, well, because this same certain family member just didn’t want me to use the dryer. It wasn’t in use, no one was planning to use it. And I’d been using the dryer before during my visit and suddenly it was no longer allowed for no understandable reason.

So, I burst into tears and got angry. Then I was told I was no longer welcome at home, then, while I was packing to leave, the same person told me not to be an idiot and not to leave and started unpacking my suitcase while I tried to pack it.

But I insisted on leaving, so I did, but during the process I got threatened with disinheritance.

So now I’m back here with my husband, somewhat relieved though I feel like I’ve been beat up.

During confession the priest gave me a heavier than usual penance and now I feel like I’m being punished because I was verbally abused at home.

Either I’m crazy, excessively proud and self-righteous or I don’t know what, but I am definitely confused.

Perhaps God is putting me through this trial to strengthen my faith, I dunno.

I wonder what sort of person I am since the above sort of family is where I came from. I don’t want to be like that, so I was told to pray for them, but I feel emotionally beat up right now and I don’t understand it.

I also feel so bad that I don’t want to go back to church any more and that God has abandoned me.

Any supportive, constructive comments are welcome, but if it’s possible, please hold any self-righteous comments for another post.

Thanks for listening and please pray for me.
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You are not crazy hon. You are just hurting. Be gentle & kind to yourself. Give yourself time to heal. Please don’t leave the church. It will not help you, and we need you to be a member of our Catholic family! I will be praying for you sister! :hug3:
 
Sending you a big hug!
As someone who came into the Church in my 20’s, and have had a difficult time with family, I can only encourage you to walk even closer with God and become the very best that you can be! He has a plan for your life, to heal you, to give you joy, to over come hurts so that you can empathize with the pain that others carry. Try to remember that Jesus came as a baby and he knew what it was to be cold, to be hungry, to be tired, to be rejected and hated. He did all that for no gain for himself, but to open heaven for us! He was already in Heaven, yet He did all this for our benefit. He will be your strength today if you wish to draw close to Him. God bless and keep you today.
 
I will pray for you.

God has not abandoned you, OP. I know that it hurts right now - I can’t imagine being treated that way by a family member.

It sounds as if you might need to accept that these are not good people to be around. If they are prepared to throw a fit because you asked a simple question, or refuse to let you use the drier for no apparent reason, that to me suggests: a) verbal abuse, or b) other issues. Either way, it sounds as if your best bet is to “drop the rope” - i.e. have no further contact with them.
 
Crenfro,

Sorry you went through that.

But my opinion – and yes I am always willing to give it – whether asked for or not. 🙂

But Seriously – you did nothing wrong! You made an effort to visit and be with family. You reached out, and whoever it was that “attacked” you was wrong. Flat out. Since you are married it can be hard to get away to spend time with family. Your family should have been happy to have you there, all of them. Again you did not do anything wrong, whatever issue they were having they should not have taken it out on you! It is up to them to apologize to you - whether you call them to tell them that their actions were uncalled for – and if they are also Christian – very unchristian.

As for the Priest giving you a harsher penance, I am guessing that it was one of your parents that gave you that attitude, and that the Priest is an older one. So he may be viewing it from the Commandment that one should honor their mother and father. As such, even though you did not do anything wrong, he may be looking at things from that direction. But not knowing your Priest I cannot say for sure, just an observation.

I pray that God grants you strength and peace to move past this, and also the wisdom to know that you did nothing wrong.

Winter
 
Winter_Warlock said:
I am guessing that it was one of your parents that gave you that attitude…
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Thank you, Winter. I’ve calmed down some and feel better, thank you for posting. However, I think the priest is correct. I could have refrained from saying some of the things I did. I am responsible for what comes out of my mouth.
Winter_Warlock said:
I pray that God grants you strength and peace to move past this, and also the wisdom to know that you did nothing wrong.
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God bless you, Winter, and please pray for me. Placing you in the enclosed garden of the most Sacred Heart of the Blessed Virgin Mary.
 
I teared up a bit reading your OP. I have been through similar stuff with a family member. She has since passed on. God blessed me with a few years of a very happy relationship when she was older and more gentle and understanding.

My reactions were similar to yours. And I actually ended up at one point having a boyfriend who was emotionally abusive at times and that also caused me to walk in a daze, sad and confused. Nothing really makes sense because we were not meant to be treated that way. It just makes me sad that has to happen to you and you went through those feelings.

I now live with another family member who can be very defensive and somewhat insecure to the point that it comes out in what I would call verbally abusive ways. I am beginning to understand this personality type (after 59 years of life, finally). That doesn’t make it much easier, but it does help.

Your family member likely interpreted your innocent question about breakfast to mean that you were questioning their decision making “rights” and their right to change their mind. This, to me, is a spiritual problem of pride within them. If they don’t feel they have the right to make decisions without anyone’s opinion, they feel a lack of self esteem. This is probably the reason for unpacking your suitcase. They felt a lack of love, ignored their pride to be loved, but needed to make the decision if you were going to “leave them”, so they pulled the inheritence out of the bag. This person has a deep problem with not feeling good about themself and not being able to feel loved and give love at the same time because they are very tied to pride and power. Yes, they are abusive. But it kind of helps to see them as weak. They have the sin of pride eating at them and don’t realize it.

This is not to say you should accept what they did or said. I just hope you can feel some peace when you are hurting and know that if you reacted poorly, it is not entirely your fault. You fell into a trap. We all do at times because we are human and have feelings.

I want to tell you something. God made you and he loves you. He knows all your faults and all your fine points. He made you a unique creation. He knows what you mean when you ask a question that to someone may seem like a challenge. He knows you mean well. He knows when you hurt and He hurts right along with you. He will never leave you. He has promised to be with you always. He understands your heart. He made your soul. No one’s actions or words can take that away from you, not even your own.
 
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