Baffled......sorry for the tedious post just to vent my mixed feelings

[anonymous1995]

I was once haunted by gay thoughts. Now that they partly wane after my Baptism in April, the Devil begins to hook me up with masturbation. May this habit be eradicated gradually. I always sleep too late due to vicious circle (I stay up late to read or surf the net), which further hinders my prayer life in addition to destroying my health. I wish to improve, but the power of the Eucharist and bi-weekly Confession fades on the subsequent Monday or Tuesday. I sin today again.

And concerning my grades, I am weak in 3D sense which frustrates my study of Anatomy. I feel like a Humanities man more than a Medic geek. If I were to choose again, very likely I might do Philosophy or History instead of Medicine. Which creates even more doubts to my life goal. Why did I have to work that damn hard in order to enter med school, and study those boring uninteresting preclinical sciences (well those details don’t teach us to think; pure rote memorization without understanding which is contrary to the spirit of scientific inquiry)? Fortunately my preclinical years will end in 3 months or so, and I anticipate a meaningful (yet tough) life serving in the ward. I have polymathic qualities which are very much suppressed in a ‘specialist’ system in med school - do not develop so many academic interests, just sit for exams.

And as usual poor self-esteem has been my problem since young age.

More than half a year from my Baptism and it’s been the Dark Age of Spirituality.

Thanks ahead for all your prayers.

 

[kozlosap]

First of all, congrats on your chosen professional path, think about all of those you will help in the next fifty years! Secondly, the devil has nothing to do with a person being straight or gay, as a medical professional you are well aware of that fact. Sometimes it seems like life is fun and enjoyable for everyone else but us and we indulge in ongoing pity parties, which is normal, especially when times are stressful. I’m praying that you find some peace and joy this season where we anxiously await the birth of our Lord. Sometimes when I’m in a ‘poor me’ situation, I get to mass about 45 minutes early and pray and soak in reverence and peace. I have a friend that will try and fit in an hour of adoration. God bless you, and please, look forward to the coming of The Lord, and lastly, remember than in a short time, to our final exams will be over and 2016 will arrive!