Balancing spiritual and worldly things

[iwillrisenow]

Hello, I am a twenty-something grad student. Though I am quite new to the Church and realize that there are certain restraints when it comes to discerning vocations, I have an ongoing questioning and, more recently, discernment for marriage and religious life. While I have felt more of a “pull” towards married life in the past 2-3 years, I have only recently begun to understand the meaning of marriage as a sacrament. Meanwhile, religious life is something that I hadn’t considered at all until quite recently. I feel a desire to “go deep” with my faith and find quiet activities such as retreats, less hectic/crowded Mass and adoration especially fruitful. Could this be a sign of a religious vocation? Religious life does appeal to me more than the life I’m likely to face after graduation from grad school as a single woman trying to make ends meet. I am pulled towards marriage and motherhood, but realize that I will need a LOT of help from God to get even remotely close to that point…so, of course, it would have to be His will (as would be the case with religious life).

As I am growing in faith, I am finding that I place less and less importance on material things and the “keeping-up-with-the-Jones’” lifestyle which so many families live today. I cannot see myself in any of the “secure” jobs out there (which are severely limited and less secure than they seem these days as is), even though those are the means through which many people build stability for their families. My question is, does having no interest in these things represent a potential call to religious life? Or can one still be called to marriage with more interest in spiritual life than in jobs and finances (which are needed to support a family)?

 

[Marfran]

Hello, I am a twenty-something grad student. Though I am quite new to the Church and realize that there are certain restraints when it comes to discerning vocations, I have an ongoing questioning and, more recently, discernment for marriage and religious life. While I have felt more of a “pull” towards married life in the past 2-3 years, I have only recently begun to understand the meaning of marriage as a sacrament. Meanwhile, religious life is something that I hadn’t considered at all until quite recently. I feel a desire to “go deep” with my faith and find quiet activities such as retreats, less hectic/crowded Mass and adoration especially fruitful. Could this be a sign of a religious vocation? Religious life does appeal to me more than the life I’m likely to face after graduation from grad school as a single woman trying to make ends meet. I am pulled towards marriage and motherhood, but realize that I will need a LOT of help from God to get even remotely close to that point…so, of course, it would have to be His will (as would be the case with religious life).

As I am growing in faith, I am finding that I place less and less importance on material things and the “keeping-up-with-the-Jones’” lifestyle which so many families live today. I cannot see myself in any of the “secure” jobs out there (which are severely limited and less secure than they seem these days as is), even though those are the means through which many people build stability for their families. My question is, does having no interest in these things represent a potential call to religious life? Or can one still be called to marriage with more interest in spiritual life than in jobs and finances (which are needed to support a family)?

What I find interesting is that you are weighing going into religious life or getting married and becoming a mother. Do you have a potential mate?? Has a man proposed to you?? Do you have those feelings for a SPECIFIC man??? Or is all this pondering hypothetical???

You may never find the right man, he may never come along, or you may find several potential mates who you could have a very happy life with.

I think ***it is important to to give your talents to the world, ***whatever they may be–and not to have the goal of procuring a mate, or becoming a mother. If you are meant to be married and have children then you will meet the right man. If not, then you won’t. It is not a goal to be pursued.

As far as not feeling “materialistic,” this should be the GOAL for EVERYONE. We are all enriched by developing our spiritual side as opposed to collecting material objects.

And as a mother, a woman who is less “materialistic” has even more to offer her children. Spiritual values are more rich than material ones, and will sustain long after life on Earth is over.

Focus on your talents and giving them back to the world–everything else will fall into place. Make a missionary trip to a disadvantaged third world community, or help others within your own community who struggle with meeting their basic physical needs–you may meet your future husband who shares your heart while doing this, or entry to religious life may be clarified for you…

 

[iwillrisenow]

Thanks for the reply, Marfran. My apologies for the confusion-- no, I don’t actually have a marriage proposal at the moment…but I am also not the type of woman sitting around trying to “catch” a man or dreaming of mr. right. I was not raised that way and would not have even thought seriously about marriage until a few years ago. I am just moving along in years and maturity and beginning to think more seriously about these things. I really wish I had the grace to go on with life and take the “if it happens, it happens” attitude, but I find it quite difficult, especially as I get older. I am also not entirely sure that relationships ever just “happen,” but if it’s God’s will, then I suppose they do. It’s tough to really convey the whole situation via message board…

Thanks for the suggestions though…only prayer and time will tell…

What I find interesting is that you are weighing going into religious life or getting married and becoming a mother. Do you have a potential mate?? Has a man proposed to you?? Do you have those feelings for a SPECIFIC man??? Or is all this pondering hypothetical???

You may never find the right man, he may never come along, or you may find several potential mates who you could have a very happy life with.

I think ***it is important to to give your talents to the world, ***whatever they may be–and not to have the goal of procuring a mate, or becoming a mother. If you are meant to be married and have children then you will meet the right man. If not, then you won’t. It is not a goal to be pursued.

As far as not feeling “materialistic,” this should be the GOAL for EVERYONE. We are all enriched by developing our spiritual side as opposed to collecting material objects.

And as a mother, a woman who is less “materialistic” has even more to offer her children. Spiritual values are more rich than material ones, and will sustain long after life on Earth is over.

Focus on your talents and giving them back to the world–everything else will fall into place. Make a missionary trip to a disadvantaged third world community, or help others within your own community who struggle with meeting their basic physical needs–you may meet your future husband who shares your heart while doing this, or entry to religious life may be clarified for you…

 

[vee8]

Hello, I am a twenty-something grad student. Though I am quite new to the Church and realize that there are certain restraints when it comes to discerning vocations, I have an ongoing questioning and, more recently, discernment for marriage and religious life. While I have felt more of a “pull” towards married life in the past 2-3 years, I have only recently begun to understand the meaning of marriage as a sacrament. Meanwhile, religious life is something that I hadn’t considered at all until quite recently. I feel a desire to “go deep” with my faith and find quiet activities such as retreats, less hectic/crowded Mass and adoration especially fruitful. Could this be a sign of a religious vocation?

Hello and welcome. I often post this article but I have found it a very helpful start to answering questions about religious life so I hope it helps you too.
lafayettecarmelites.org/god_calling.php

It doesnt hurt to look at orders you think God might be calling you to, and even the ones you think He isnt. Many have websites so take a look at their vocations page and see what they say about possible vocation signs and requirements as well as what their charism is. Here is a site to get you started
cmswr.org/member_communities_cmswr.htm

 

[Marfran]

Thanks for the reply, Marfran. My apologies for the confusion-- no, I don’t actually have a marriage proposal at the moment…but I am also not the type of woman sitting around trying to “catch” a man or dreaming of mr. right. I was not raised that way and would not have even thought seriously about marriage until a few years ago. I am just moving along in years and maturity and beginning to think more seriously about these things. I really wish I had the grace to go on with life and take the “if it happens, it happens” attitude, but I find it quite difficult, especially as I get older. I am also not entirely sure that relationships ever just “happen,” but if it’s God’s will, then I suppose they do. It’s tough to really convey the whole situation via message board…

Thanks for the suggestions though…only prayer and time will tell…

I don’t think that marriage is a GOAL to be pursued (especially when you do not have a specific partner in mind)–and I say this from a place where as I was growing up–women DID aspire to FIND Mr. RIGHT–this was the goal of every woman. I think there is a much healthier attitude in today’s society, and NOT every woman MUST get married, find a husband, have children… A woman’s self worth and self esteem do not have to be dependent on her marital status.

If you think that you are being called to religious life–you should investigate and pursue that–and ask for clarity for the direction of your life. I know several women who got married later in life, not thinking that they would even get married, and had children in their 40’s. I do think that if marriage and children are meant for you, then the situation will appear. NOT everyone is meant to BE married and raise children, but we all must share our God given talents with the world–so work on giving back to the world and everything WILL fall into place. YOU WILL meet the RIGHT man, or NOT, you are already on the RIGHT ROAD even if it doesn’t feel like it. I say that from a place of looking back on my own life–there are no mistakes. That doesn’t mean that you don’t err or make mistakes or have difficult experiences, but the road that we are all on will lead us through the experiences that we need to strengthen our souls.

 

[Called]

Marfran, I don’t think she was talking about marriage as a goal. She is simply discerning her vocation whether it be marriage life or religious life.

iwillrisenow:
I know where you are coming from. I was discerning as well, but now I know what I must do. My advice to you is keep close to God in Adoration and or Holy Hour, make known to Him your concerns. He did say, “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” (Matt 7:7) He also said, “…seek first the kingdom (of God) and his righteousness, and all these things will be given you besides.” (Matt 6:33) But by the looks of it you are already seeking the Kingdom or else you wouldn’t be discerning and we wouldn’t be having this exchange right now.
And also, keep close to Our Lady. Pray the Rosary. Our Lady will know how to ask what you want to ask Jesus.

Also, it wouldn’t be a bad idea to check out some religious orders. Call them up and ask them if you could come visit.

I’m a college student too! Though I’m only an undergraduate. You could message me if you want. It would be nice talking about vocation with someone.

I’ll be praying for your journey! God bless

 

[Marfran]

Marfran, I don’t think she was talking about marriage as a goal. She is simply discerning her vocation whether it be marriage life or religious life.

I think what I am reacting to is the concept of a woman seeking a husband, a desire to be “married.” I think that thinking about “marriage” sans a particular partner is a GOAL. And it has been a GOAL of many women throughout history. I think there is a much healthier atmosphere in current society today, concerning a woman’s marital status. A woman is no longer looked down upon if she is not married (the term “spinster” is no longer used.) In the past many women have rushed into marriage, because it validated their worth (being married, being a woman who was desired by a man to become his wife, as opposed to not being desired enough to be anyone’s wife).

iwillrisenow:
I know where you are coming from. I was discerning as well, but now I know what I must do. My advice to you is keep close to God in Adoration and or Holy Hour, make known to Him your concerns. He did say, **“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” (Matt 7:7) **He also said, “…seek first the kingdom (of God) and his righteousness, and all these things will be given you besides.” (Matt 6:33) But by the looks of it you are already seeking the Kingdom or else you wouldn’t be discerning and we wouldn’t be having this exchange right now.
And also, keep close to Our Lady. Pray the Rosary. Our Lady will know how to ask what you want to ask Jesus.

Also, it wouldn’t be a bad idea to check out some religious orders…

Very good advice!!!

 

[Called]

I think what I am reacting to is the concept of a woman seeking a husband, a desire to be “married.” I think that thinking about “marriage” sans a particular partner is a GOAL. And it has been a GOAL of many women throughout history. I think there is a much healthier atmosphere in current society today, concerning a woman’s marital status. A woman is no longer looked down upon if she is not married (the term “spinster” is no longer used.) In the past many women have rushed into marriage, because it validated their worth (being married, being a woman who was desired by a man to become his wife, as opposed to not being desired enough to be anyone’s wife).

Very good advice!!!

Aah… Well I understand your concern. However, in this case it is not only practical, but also very reasonable to think about marriage especially if one is discerning one’s vocation (marriage, single, or religious). How then will you know what you are called to if you do not contemplate all options? Further, to limit marriage in a social context undermines its sacredness. It is a holy gift from God. An unbreakable vow between a man and a woman. Marriage, specifically in Christianity, is not about power struggle, it is about love. It is about raising a family where God is the center, where everyone is accountable for each other.

Also, just because a woman contemplates married life without a current partner, does not mean she will rush into marriage just to get a husband. There’s a bigger picture. God is the bigger picture. We contemplate all these things to know where God has planned us to be. We have to think about the decisions we make for God’s glory because God’s glory is our glory too.

 

[Marfran]

Aah… Well I understand your concern. However, in this case it is not only practical, but also very reasonable to think about marriage especially if one is discerning one’s vocation (marriage, single, or religious). How then will you know what you are called to if you do not contemplate all options? Further, to limit marriage in a social context undermines its sacredness. It is a holy gift from God. An unbreakable vow between a man and a woman. Marriage, specifically in Christianity, is not about power struggle, it is about love. It is about raising a family where God is the center, where everyone is accountable for each other.

Also, just because a woman contemplates married life without a current partner, does not mean she will rush into marriage just to get a husband. There’s a bigger picture. God is the bigger picture. We contemplate all these things to know where God has planned us to be. We have to think about the decisions we make for God’s glory because God’s glory is our glory too.

What troubles me is the pursuit of marriage as a “vocation.” I think that all women in modern, contemporary society should hone their skills, get an education, plan to give their talents to the world–and if they are meant to get married and raise a family then the right man will appear in their life. (God sent.) At that point a woman will have to decide if she wants to marry this man, and if she will put a “career” on hold to have children, if she can continue her “career” and also raise children…

I would consider religious vocation, as yes, a vocation. Marriage I would not consider in the same sense. Maybe the choice should be between religious and secular life, as a woman or a man who chooses secular life may, or may not find a companion to marry and have a family with. I know a woman who would love to be married–she is in her forties and actually very attractive–but has yet to find Mr. Right. If she does ever find him she may be too old to even have children (she has told me that she would love to be a mother, that she has always wanted to be a mother, but obviously the clock is ticking out).

So I do not understand how you can choose between being married and having children (when you have NO potential partner in mind and do not know if you will ever have the situation present itself in your life) and a religious vocation. I think that the focus should be on whether one is CALLED to religious life or not.

Also, wanting to be a mother, is yes a biological urge, that sometimes can not be fulfilled. Many women have longed to become mothers, only to discover that there is a biological impediment. I think that if you are in the correct place and time, and have a partner, it is then that you should think about having children–not when you are unmarried and do not even have a partner in mind and do not even know if one will show up.

I come from an era when women got married for status, issues of self esteem, etc. *What’s wrong with the girl who has NO marriage proposals??? *

So in discerning for religious life I do not think you should be deciding as to whether or not you would prefer to be married and have children, as that decision should be based on whether this ***specific partner ***is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with and raise a family with… (and are willing to give up or put a career on hold for etc.)

 

[iwillrisenow]

The suggestion you made, Marfran, regarding discernment between religious or secular life struck a chord with me. I never thought about making that distinction rather than focusing on what particular path I may be called to, and believe it may be a healthy way to proceed with the process. I am in a place right now where I do not want to focus too much on whether or not my vocation may be marriage, since a suitable partner is not in the picture, but I do want to discern whether or not I am called to be a religious, as all the necessary “ingredients” are present for that process. My only concern is that somewhere, deep down in my heart, I have a hint of a feeling that I must discern whether or not I am called to be a religious because I am still single at this point in my life…even though I do not feel a particular pull towards that state and feel more pulled towards building a faithful secular life with the possibility of discerning marriage down the road (keep in mind that I am relatively new to Catholicism and, therefore, am somewhat of a latecomer to the whole process of discerning any type of vocation).

As a woman who has grown up in an environment where girls are greatly encouraged to pursue higher education and careers, I have my own thoughts on the subject of how women in general are valued by society, with which others may not agree. I sometimes think that we are not necessarily better off than our ancestors for whom marriage was often the sole determining factor regarding social position, we just face different challenges. Today, the pressure to be both highly actualized career women (in a high-profile profession and/or having found one’s niche and personally defined success) AND devoted wives/involved mothers has merely been added to the pressure to have a certain type of marriage. So much pressure is placed on children from a very young age to achieve, take certain classes, be involved in certain activities and get into certain colleges. Then, once we have degrees and start making our way in the world, suddenly we are supposed to be paired off and equipped with all the skills necessarily to run a household and raise children of our own. Our grandmothers may not have had as many choices, but young women today face our own challenges as well, such as overly burdensome student debt, lack of paying work for new grads, outrageous cost of living in many areas, not to mention the challenge of finding a potential Catholic partner who is not so caught up in the array of “options” that there are out there and is ready for/interested in settling down and making a lifelong commitment .

When I think about marriage, I focus on what it means to make that commitment, what the sacrifices might be, and how parents’ choices influence children. While I cannot focus on specifics until there is a particular man involved, I can grow in understanding of the sacrament on a basic level. If nothing else, this process helps me distinguish the idealized vision of marriage that is so prevalent in our culture (tv, movies, songs on the radio, facebook status updates) from how God views it and what He expects from couples.

Thank you, Called and Marfran, for sharing your thoughts!