Balancing the "gifted child" and their siblings

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Allegra

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How would you advise a parent of a child with truly exceptional abilities in regards to preserving their relationship with their siblings? Initially, I was thinking extremely high intellectual abilities, but it could just as well be a talent for the arts or athletics as well. Should one strive to over-recognize the achievements of the typical siblings and down-play the achievements of the gifted child for the sake of the others? How long would that be effective? Eventually, the outside world is going to react to the abilities of the gifted child. Assuming the exceptional talent isn’t in something that everyone has to do anyway such as reading, writing, math, and is something like music, dance, or a sport, is it better to encourage the other children to participate in the activity with the gifted child, in order to form a bond, or try to encourage them to do their “own thing” instead, to prevent competition? Has anyone had experience with this before? As a teacher, I have seen both sibling situations that worked and those that didn’t, but I’m obviously not privy to the subtleties of their family relationships. I’m curious as to what makes the difference.
 
Allegra said:
is it better to encourage the other children to participate in the activity with the gifted child, in order to form a bond, or try to encourage them to do their “own thing” instead, to prevent competition?
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I think it is probably best to play it by ear and to make it possible for kids to either follow in a sibling’s footsteps or find their own thing or do both.

My kids are more or less in the same band of ability, so maybe this isn’t exactly what you’re talking about, but we’ve done the following:

–had kids do the same activity together (an academic activity)
–had kids do their own thing (athletics or art/music or academics)

The big kids have gotten more specialized as they’ve gotten bigger, but when they were littler, we threw a lot of activities at them and watched to see what stuck.
 
Growing up, my brother was very academically gifted. While I didn’t do bad in school, I was always the A/B student, and he was the one getting near-100 on everything. Math was probably where this came out the most. Again, I was decent at math, but it was a subject I tended to struggle in compared to English or music. My brother seemed capable of picking up math with ease, even more than other topics.

Our parents just let us pursue what we wanted, and we shared a lot of similar interests though to different degrees and ability. Despite both of us being competitive, neither of us held resentment.

In the end, both of us actually went down math-focused routes. My brother has been doing a decent job with pursuing his Ph.D. in mathematics, and I got a job at a highly noteworthy computer-science-focused company, so it worked out for both of us.
 
I was the gifted child (intellectually - like little studying and almost straight As in exams). Honestly, I didn’t really realise that I was gifted until I was well into my teens. I think my parents always made a big deal about how what was important was the effort I put in and the kind of person I was. So, they gave me a gift of congratulations before I got my high school results because they said they didn’t care what I scored, they were proud anyway.

One thing I will say though. Don’t discuss the FAULTS of one child in front of another unless absolutely necessary. I saw myself as better than one of my other siblings because my parents discussed their failings in front of me and THAT created a spirit of rivalry.
 
ShrodingersCat said:
So, they gave me a gift of congratulations before I got my high school results because they said they didn’t care what I scored, they were proud anyway.
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I too was the gifted child, and I can confirm this is so, so, so very important.
I am grateful daily that my parents didn’t put any pressure on me to “perform”.

I think if you just let your kids be who they are and not pressure tham to do anything other than be good, kind people, including to their siblings, then being gifted academically, or in sports, or any other way, just becomes another trait someone has, like having curly hair or a nice physique. Each sibling will discover their own “gifts”.

And, honestly, the closer you get to adulthood, the less “giftedness” really matters, because a lot of things other than natural gifts go into succeeding in any one area, such as the ability to plan, the ability to work hard, the ability to choose a direction in life, etc.
 
In our family we didn’t have endless resources so each child was allowed to choose an interest to pursue. That may or may not have been something they were gifted or excelled at. My daughter was selected for the gifted art program but chose to pursue her very average musical ability.

They don’t always love the things they are best at and I don’t think it’s wise to force them into something just because they have that talent.

Among my kids I had those with special gifts and those with special challenges and those with both. We strove to meet each of their needs and to allow them to pursue their interests, but no one need or interest was allowed to monopolize the family’s resources.

No child was told they couldn’t pursue their dreams because we had to put the resources behind one child’s special talent. Nor did the other kids do without because they had an autistic brother.

Also, as a parent and teacher I know that many kids outgrow their prodigy status, and if too much was made of it early on, it can be quite a blow when the other kids catch up and the prodigy loses their status.

Being able to read at the age of three doesn’t guaratee any future abilities. By third grade it no longer is a big deal, because now everyone is reading. One of my sons was physically precocious, he could run when he was nine months old and ride a two wheeler when he was three. But eventually most kids caught up to him.

If their sense of identity gets too attached to a particular talent or gift they can become unbalanced or lost when they are no longer special, because even the highly gifted one’s will eventually rise to a level where they meet their match.

Also, emotional maturity doesn’t always follow step with other talents, and that’s something to watch out for. Being a third grader put into fifth grade math classes was torture for me. I felt I was being punished for being intelligent. Same with being placed ahead a grade. There were times when being a full year younger than my classmates was extremely difficult.

I think it’s also important to have the child participate in activities where they are absolutely average so they can enjoy the comradery of being just like everyone else, and the challenge of learning a new skill and mastering it.

Being always set apart isn’t healthy, or always being the example, etc. It’s more important to learn how to get along with others and work with others than to always feel you need to be better than others.

Celebrate each child’s interests, abilities and accomplishments. Don’t put one type of skill on a pedestal above others.
 
What if it isn’t the first sibling that’s the gifted one? For example, I have two brothers I used to teach. The eldest started piano lessons and did quite well at them. The second one turned out to be one of those kids that can play complex pieces by ear at the age of four, without even needed a whole lot of time to practice. They seemed to get along really well, but other than paying for the $15 a week piano lessons with an undergraduate in the back of a band instrument rental shop, the parents didn’t really go out of their way to “cultivate” either kid’s gifts. They kind of took the attitude of “well, pianos fun. Go for it.” I wonder if that’s why the elder one never got discouraged when his pre-school brother was playing circles around him, although he did eventually switch to guitar.
 
All good advice, although when I started the thread, I was thinking more along the lines of kids who are more than just “advanced” or “the best on the team”. I was somewhat inspired by a former student of mine who is now graduating high school and who no one is going to be “catching up to” anytime soon. I was thinking about how close he seems to be with his other siblings and how they seem to encourage him rather than resent all the attention he gets. I’ve even talked to his mom about it. (She still has a 4th grader coming up behind the two older boys.) She insists that she didn’t “do anything” to cultivate their relationship and that they are able to get along that way because they are boys. She apparently believes boys are naturally less resentful about disproportionate abilities than girls. As much as I don’t want to entertain sexist claims like that, I have to admit that the worst cases of sibling jealousy I’ve seen have involved at least one girl, so maybe there’s some to it?
 
I think that probably goes without saying, especially when the front-runner has exceptional abilities. That’d be a sort of silly question, wouldn’t it?
“Why can’t you play Chopin by ear like your sister?”
“Gee, Ma. Probably for the same reason you can’t!”
 
Allegra said:
What if it isn’t the first sibling that’s the gifted one? For example, I have two brothers I used to teach. The eldest started piano lessons and did quite well at them. The second one turned out to be one of those kids that can play complex pieces by ear at the age of four, without even needed a whole lot of time to practice. They seemed to get along really well, but other than paying for the $15 a week piano lessons with an undergraduate in the back of a band instrument rental shop, the parents didn’t really go out of their way to “cultivate” either kid’s gifts. They kind of took the attitude of “well, pianos fun. Go for it.” I wonder if that’s why the elder one never got discouraged when his pre-school brother was playing circles around him, although he did eventually switch to guitar.
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That sounds fine.

Hopefully, parents would make sure to develop the other kids interests enough that the kid less gifted in one area would have their own turf elsewhere.
 
Teaching our kids that not everything in life is “equal” and not every person has the same gifts, abilities, talents is important and is so rarely taught today.

Let kids do their own thing, choose their own hobbies.

Also, over praising a child who is gifted in elementary or high school could be sitting that child up for great disappointment when they get to college/real world and they find out that they are no longer the smartest or best in that specific thing.
 
What if you’ve got one of those kids that’s the best at everything and the other sibling doesn’t really have “turf”, or in genuinely interested in the same things their sibling is interested in? I have a coworker that has a setup like that. Neither kid is exceptional on the level I was originally talking about, but the older one always gets perfect scores on the test, more As on his report card, faster times in track, more awards in baseball, higher chair in band, first place in the art show, first place in the geography bee…etc. Mom has tried to encourage the younger kid to do other stuff, but he really wants to do track and baseball.
 
Allegra said:
Should one strive to over-recognize the achievements of the typical siblings and down-play the achievements of the gifted child for the sake of the others? How long would that be effective?
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I think that’s a bad idea. The gifted child is likely to think that he/she is not loved and recognized as much as the others. And over-recognized typical achievements won’t do the other children any good.
 
Is disappointment the inevitable response when one encounters others who are able to compete on their level? If that’s the case, then why have advanced hockey leagues and all-state spelling bees where talented kids are deliberately taken out of their comfort zone in order to compete at their own level? But even going to the extent to put your child in those advanced activities is somewhat of an acknowledgement of their talent. I’m not sure disappointment is something to be avoided anyway, particularly when they are an adult and presumably can handle it. If they haven’t experienced it by then, well, it’s about flipping time! I’m also not sure giving parental praise, or withholding it is going to effect whether a gifted child feels disappointed or happily challenged when they finally get to interact with those of the same level of talent.
 
Allegra said:
Is disappointment the inevitable response when one encounters others who are able to compete on their level?
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ICU brain, I may not have been clear. Over praising children, tying their achievement/talent to their sense of worth, is not a healthy way to raise a gifted child.

Gifted children need to be challenged, to be mentored, and to learn that they are who they are even if they lose their talent or find out they are not really the smartest boy who lives in town.

I call it the “American Idol” syndrome. While I have not watched that show in more than a decade, it used to be that people would come audition and then be reviewed by a panel of judges.

First there were the people who were just completely wacky, those who the producers pulled simply for the “WHAT??!!??” factor.

Next were the people who had grown up with their parents, grandparents, all around them telling them how beautiful their singing voice is. Yet, it was obvious they had never had a vocal coach, never had anyone point out things like pitch or breathing. About half of them had pleasant voices, but, the other half had no true vocal ability and they reacted to the critique with either profound sadness or anger.

You don’t want to have your kid be the equivalent of the American Idol breakdown face.
Allegra said:
I’m not sure disappointment is something to be avoided anyway,
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AMEN! We have to let our kids fail sometimes, let them learn it is not catastrophic, learn how to recover from failure.
 
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No one is great at everything and once they reach college level they will encounter people in their own league and on their level, either other students or professors or pros in their field. And that’s what we all need to grow. It’s not about them suddenly finding they aren’t all that, it’s about finding peers and their tribe as much as anything.

I have one of those good at everything, handsome, athletic, perfect SAT score, robotics engineer sons. His first marriage failed. Life on life’s terms no matter how golden we are.

My three grown kids get along great with each other and make opportunities to spend time together. Because growing up they were each loved, valued and encouraged to do their own thing. They weren’t in competition with each other and no one’s accomplishments were considered more important than another’s.

The trophy for showing rabbits was on display next to the art, right beside the photo of my son in uniform for ROTC, next to my daughter’s certificate from pastry class, beside the best improved ribbon from baseball.

We didn’t single out one area or type of achievement as superior to another. Also, we, as parents continued to pursue education, interests and hobbies. They grew up knowing it was good to be interested in lots of things and to make time for them. That fun and family time were good things.

No one, including the adults in the family were defined by expertise in any one area. When kids grow up feeling like they are valued for themselves as individuals, they aren’t as fragile, competitive and suspicious of each other.

My parents didn’t do that. They clearly had favorites and picked which achievements they considered worthy. They supported some and made fun of others. It was a bad childhood and I felt I never was good enough, even with straight A’s.
 
ZMystiCat said:
Growing up, my brother was very academically gifted. While I didn’t do bad in school, I was always the A/B student, and he was the one getting near-100 on everything. Math was probably where this came out the most. Again, I was decent at math, but it was a subject I tended to struggle in compared to English or music. My brother seemed capable of picking up math with ease, even more than other topics.
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I haven’t caught up with the thread, but I do have to mention one kid being the academic star in childhood doesn’t necessarily mean that the other kids aren’t going to do very well.

For example, in my family, I was unquestionably the academic star. My sister is bright and did fine in school, but wasn’t as academic as I was. 30 years later, sis owns and runs several businesses and is way, way richer than I am. I’m not putting huge moral weight on either being good at school or being well-off–that’s just how the cookie crumbled.

Likewise, we had a family of cousins where one daughter was the golden child while the whole family felt that one of the sons was a bit of a dope. Well, once they grew up, the dopey kid got to be good at finances and also went into a rather glamorous and high-paying field, much to everybody’s surprise. Not that that’s the end-all-be-all–but again, it’s objectively the case that nobody saw that coming, just like I didn’t expect my younger sister to wind up with a small empire of businesses.
 
Allegra said:
She insists that she didn’t “do anything” to cultivate their relationship and that they are able to get along that way because they are boys. She apparently believes boys are naturally less resentful about disproportionate abilities than girls. As much as I don’t want to entertain sexist claims like that, I have to admit that the worst cases of sibling jealousy I’ve seen have involved at least one girl, so maybe there’s some to it?
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Uh, how about Cain and Abel?
 
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