Balancing the "gifted child" and their siblings

[Xantippe]

Mom has tried to encourage the younger kid to do other stuff, but he really wants to do track and baseball.

That’s fine.

The trophy for showing rabbits was on display next to the art, right beside the photo of my son in uniform for ROTC, next to my daughter’s certificate from pastry class, beside the best improved ribbon from baseball.

I’m just taking a snip here, but I really appreciated your whole post.

There’s a grandpa in our family who is bad at this stuff. It’s really obvious which kid achievements he values and which he doesn’t, even though (objectively!) they might involve the same level of effort. So, for example, he’s way excited about Kid A’s athletic endeavors (and went out of his way to see Kid A doing his thing and arranged for Kid A to get some expensive equipment) but on the other hand, he’s not at all interested in Kid B’s music, and he didn’t want to hear Kid B play. Meanwhile, a few years earlier, he devoted all of his attention to Kid B’s SAT prep (which he’s interested in), but didn’t say a word to Kid A (who wasn’t doing anything he was interested in at the time) when both kids were visiting.

It’s really important (but HARD!) to realize that kids’ achievements are for them–they’re not about us, either as parents or as grandparents. Just remembering that will help a lot.

 

[Allegra]

Yeah, I think my mom messed up a lot in that department too. I won’t name names, but let’s just say that some of the kids in my family were above average in more than one of the departments that people tend to notice in young kids. (Cute, funny personalities, good at memorizing poems and songs, confident and outgoing, etc) As a result, a lot of fuss was made over them and one of my sisters came along and she just wasn’t as much. She was cute, but not quite AS cute. Her personality tended to range from shy to cranky and she was a late talker. My mom got upset that people didn’t pay her as much attention as the rest and so she attempted to compensate for it by doting on her and intentionally withholding praise from the rest of us so we didn’t get “full of ourselves”. This is how it started, but it got to the point when we were older that one sister could do no wrong (even if the police were involved). Meanwhile, other accomplishments in the family were met with, “Good grades are nice, but street smarts are more important.” or "Just because you get a certificate for character doesn’t make you a “better person”. or “Chamber choir is fine, but showchoir might help you to lose weight.” False dichotomies were set up and we all had a childhood full of resentment because most of us could never please out mother while one of us could do no wrong with her but had become “the dumb one” to the rest of the world.

 

[Allegra]

That sounds less about the kiddos’ abilities and more about grandpa’s interests, and that is hard because some talents are just more conducive to sharing with a parent than others. I can jam with kids on the guitar into the night, but as far as hockey goes, all I can do is write a check and show up to watch the game. I can spend hours helping a kid build a dollhouse, but all I can do with a poem is read it and hang it in the fridge.

 

[Allegra]

Yeah, good grades don’t directly translate to earning power, but by the same token, earning power doesn’t directly translate to happiness. For example, the sister I mentioned before graduated high school, based on attendance points and moved out immediately rather than meet the requirement to go to community college. She got a $6 an hour job at a gas station and never did a day of school. She is now the general manager of that gas station and makes significantly more in salary and bonuses than I do with my teaching job and degrees. However, she’s also perpetually exhausted, has no time to spend with her kid, marriage is on the fritz and she can’t scrape enough time to go to therapy, can’t even get to the doctor to put her insurance benefits to use, and she’s pretty unhappy. Of course, not everyone is fulfilled by their source of employment, but with her job, it had better fulfill you because it’s sure going to fill up your life so you don’t have room for what does fulfill you!

 

[Calliope]

I keep reminding my daughter that this is the only childhood her son is going to have and it’s important to make his stuff a priority. It may seem easy to pass it off as just some stupid kid’s thing, but for him, right now, it’s his whole world. Whether she’s “into” it or not, she needs to get “into” it for his sake.

My life was and is so much richer because I got involved with my kid’s interests. That expanded my world, challenged me to learn new things, brought new friends into my life, etc. At first things that seemed like a pain in the neck ended up being fun. I hate seeing her put him off and act as if his interests are silly or not up to snuff

I realize that she would like him to be interested in the things that interest her, but that’s not always how it works, and she is denying him and herself so much when she holds back.

 

[Allegra]

What is he interested in?

 

[Allegra]

Yes, but inventing differences between the sexes that aren’t inherently there is.

 

[Calliope]

Pokemon, beyblades, video games, he is doing drum ensemble, which she likes because she was a percussionist. He also likes swimming and roller skating.

He and I swordfight, and sometimes go fishing as well. She’s finally getting better about taking him to family events at the school. They have various activities, game night, book fair, science night etc. Those mean a lot to him.

I have to remind her to tell his grandfather and dad when he has school events so they can attend as well. She simply doesn’t treat his interests as valuable. I find that very sad. I do what I can, but it means a lot to him when his parents show an interest.

 

[Sarcelle]

I don’t think girls are naturally more resentful of disproportionate ability than boys.

 

[Allegra]

I must be a negligent parent too. I’ve never felt any reason to invite my parents to a book fair or science night type event. Maybe an important game or a concert they were performing in. As a teacher, I have to say, that’s pretty untypical. Usually the only grandparents we see at that sort of thing are the ones who are literally raising their grandchildren because the parents aren’t in the picture, or maybe if they’re visiting from out of town or something. And we don’t allow video games in the house. If we did though, its been my experience that one of the reasons kids enjoy things like video games is that they use them to bond with other kids, not their parents. Kids like to do things independently too, particularly as they get into the upper elementary age and I think parents can support those interests (presuming they are appropriate) without participating directly in them. And as I said before, if my kids interests were limited to only what I could directly participate in, that would be pretty limiting to them. I’m well past my en pointe years. I’m far too fat for figure skating. And if my participation is mandatory, my daughter is never going to achieve her dream of being a world famous chemist because I don’t know where to put any of those electrons. But I can pay for lessons, camps, and costumes, attend performances, demonstrations, and award assemblies, and tell everyone I know that my kid invented/painted/crocheted/wrote/or otherwise created that.

 

[Allegra]

I’m skeptical too, however, I’m pretty prepared to believe that such behavior is more readily identified as a negative in girls, whereas as it might be labelled “healthy competition” in boys.

 

[Sarcelle]

Yes

It is often labeled as “catty” behavior if girls display it but is labeled as being competitive if boys display it.

 

[Allegra]

This isn’t as common now, but I’ve even seen parents purposely discourage their girls from doing their best at things because it makes the other girls insecure if they don’t do as well.

 

[Sarcelle]

I saw a different thing.

Girls were discouraged from excelling in non-stereotypically feminine things because it might intimidate the boys.

 

[Calliope]

The school has grandparents breakfast, dad’s breakfast he has concerts etc and she doesn’t let the rest of the family know. On awards day he usually only has me in the crowd. He has quite a bit of extended family in the area, but my daughter doesn’t see it as important to keep them informed.

She’s in her mid twenties so age and physical condition aren’t an issue as far as her playing frisbee, catch etc with him.

I’m not using this criteria saying every family must do all the things all the time. But she ignores or rejects many opportunities to be involved and supportive, or to allow extended family to do so.

Today I had to implore her again to let his grandfather know about a food drive my grandson is participating in, and I simply went ahead and contacted his father’s side of the family about it.

She believes everything is optional therefore she doesn’t need to do any of it. She’s doing better this school year. I usually give them money so she will take him to evening events and allow him to participate.

I was the youngest of six and frankly wasn’t supposed to happen and my family never let me forget it. My mother punished me for being born by never allowing me to participate in anything. She said she was tired of driving, practices, games, etc.

Even in highschool when I won a scholarship to attend an archeological dig, she wouldn’t let me do it. I grew up believing I had no skills and with zero self confidence and I guess I worry that he will end up the same way. Feeling like nothing he cares about matters, and with no opportunity to try things and feel proud of himself and make friends. I don’t want him feeling like an outsider or a pain in the neck.

I realize that’s beyond the scope of this discussion, but both the family I was born into and with my own children there were individuals that were gifted and talented in different areas, and I’ve seen it handled different ways.

Too many of my gifts were squashed and squandered because of crushed opportunities. My siblings who were supported accomplished much.

I’ve made up for lost time as an adult, but it was a hard thing to overcome and I don’t want my grandson’s gifts or confidence wasted.

 

[Xantippe]

Pokemon, beyblades, video games, he is doing drum ensemble, which she likes because she was a percussionist. He also likes swimming and roller skating.

He and I swordfight, and sometimes go fishing as well. She’s finally getting better about taking him to family events at the school. They have various activities, game night, book fair, science night etc. Those mean a lot to him.

That sounds like a tween or early teen.

In my experience (and probably yours), kids tend to lose interests as they get older. Best case scenario, they deepen some of their existing interests, but something I’ve heard about/dealt with is the phenomenon of teens losing interests and then just wanting to do screens.

A kid who is still active and has interests is a huge blessing and that needs to be encouraged.

 

[Xantippe]

one of the reasons kids enjoy things like video games is that they use them to bond with other kids

Yeah, it’s eventually a major source of social interaction outside of school.

And as I said before, if my kids interests were limited to only what I could directly participate in, that would be pretty limiting to them. I’m well past my en pointe years. I’m far too fat for figure skating. And if my participation is mandatory, my daughter is never going to achieve her dream of being a world famous chemist because I don’t know where to put any of those electrons. But I can pay for lessons, camps, and costumes, attend performances, demonstrations, and award assemblies, and tell everyone I know that my kid invented/painted/crocheted/wrote/or otherwise created that.

Right and that’s fine, but it would be pretty darn sad if you took NO interest in anything your kids were doing or provided no support.

At our house, I’m positive about my son’s main activity, but I don’t actually deal with it–my husband does and does it with him a lot of the time. On the other hand, I do manage our older daughter’s music, even though I literally can’t play a note.

A lot of the stuff our kids have done is stuff I don’t know how to do–for example, cake decorating.

She believes everything is optional therefore she doesn’t need to do any of it.

That reminds me of somebody from my family. Of course at the time (1980s and early 1990s) it was more acceptable to be hands-off about school and activities, but it was really sad.

I was the youngest of six and frankly wasn’t supposed to happen and my family never let me forget it. My mother punished me for being born by never allowing me to participate in anything. She said she was tired of driving, practices, games, etc. Even in highschool when I won a scholarship to attend an archeological dig, she wouldn’t let me do it.

Ay yay yay!

 

[TheLittleLady]

I must be a negligent parent too. I’ve never felt any reason to invite my parents to a book fair or science night type event.

We were the same way. I blamed it on the fact I was homeschooled so my family of origin was not used to the whole “going to school events” thing.

 

[TheLittleLady]

Boys can be fighting and beating each other up then go have a beer together.

Girls, well, they can hold grudges for decades.

 

[Ridgerunner]

I think it’s a tough thing, and it never ends.

One of my brothers was the “gifted” one, certainly compared to me. All through grade school, all through high school…until the very end when the counselor pulled me into her office and showed me my IQ score which, in those days, she wasn’t supposed to do. I hadn’t really done all that well in high school either, although I usually got all my literature courses for the year read by the middle of October.

But my brother was still more gifted. So I could read and excelled at literature, later even writing some published stuff. But he had a master’s in engineering and was just smart beyond all reckoning. His employer even loaned him to a Japanese company to convert some of their processes in Japan. So what if I could read? Everybody could read.

Later in life, he got extremely good jobs and was paid well. Got a good retirement benefit. I was self-employed but ended up with a net worth probably four times his or more. No pension at all, but I won’t be needing one. I understood certain aspects of the market and he didn’t. What happened? Is that the measure? Who’s the gifted one? I still say he is. But fortunately for me, my parents didn’t require me to be good at math or science. I could read well, so they kept me well supplied with books and encouraged my reading, even though it didn’t seem to have a lot of future to it. Come to think of it, though, reading novels about finances, particularly American Literary Naturalism, might have made some difference. I hated economics as a subject, but loved it as literature.

I think talking to the children in one’s family matters. I once had a girlfriend who was gorgeous almost beyond belief. Taller than me, (fed my vanity) blonde, a college cheerleader and a very good one, who spent a short time as a cheerleader for a pro football team.

She told me her brother was scary smart, but she wasnt’. And she really wasn’t. So she decided that development of her body and athletic abilities was what she decided to excel at. And she sure did. She didn’t totally come up with that on her own. Her parents were ordinary working people, but they talked to her a lot about the importance of her life and of her developing her abilities. She interiorized it. They lived right next to the Mississippi River, and she used to go down and do really strenuous exercises on a rock bluff. I wasn’t around much, but I really enjoyed watching her do it, and not only because of her beauty. It was her spirit. She didn’t resent her brother at all, near as I could tell. She was an elementary education major in a not very demanding college, and I’m sure she did well at her life. She was always happy when I knew her, and I’m sure she still is.