Baptism/Brother Conflict

[CatholicJHwk]

My sister-in-law and wife have had their differences, I’ll leave it at that. And my sister-in-law is taking the mature approach and simply won’t be in the same house as my wife. This all came to a head a few months back when one of my other brother’s was in town and he told me to come over to my parents’ house sooner rather than later because “they weren’t sure when Brad (my oldest brother) & Shelly were going to be there.” At this point I lost my cool and told both older brothers (and my younger brother even though he wasn’t involved in any of this) that I was sick of this #%$@ and that families don’t schedule appointments to be around each other. We were going to go over there, if and when, we felt like it. If they show up and we’re there, oh boo hoo. Be a grown up and deal with the fact that you’re not going to get along with everyone you meet in life. The best part of all of this was when I was explaining how I felt to my oldest brother he had the gall to say “Well maybe she should stay home…” At this point I was furious at the suggestion simply because how would he react if I were to ask the same? Anyway, it’s because of this tension I rarely get to see my niece. And needless to say we did not go over there that day (I did actually have a ton of schoolwork to do, as well as draining our water heater).

Now that niece was baptized last May and the Godparents are her sister and husband. I was originally disappointed that it wasn’t me but felt that they were a fine choice. They go to Mass regularly and are raising their kids Catholic.

Fast forward to October and a new nephew is born. I assume that he will be baptized as well however, born when he was I knew it wouldn’t be until after Lent this year. The other night I was having dinner with my mom and the subject came up. I ask who the Godparents are going to be. “Rob (my older brother) and Jenny (Shelly’s brother-in-law’s sister).” I was stunned. Not so much that it wasn’t me, but that it was Rob. Jenny I really don’t know all that well. And here lies my confliction. In my mind the idea of a Godparent was to nurture the young person in the way of the Church. Explain teachings, take them to Mass when possible, things like that. When I mentioned this to my mom and my friend who was there they shook their heads and said “Nope, all you have to be is Catholic.” Wow, stiff criteria. (Actually I know for a fact that there is more but evidently their priest must feel being Catholic is sufficient.)

So now I have a real quagmire on my hands and don’t know how to proceed. I’m very tempted not to go to the baptism (of course this is assuming I’m invited) just because it seems like such a farce to me. They never go to Mass. Ever. They only go to Christmas, and possibly Easter, with Shelly’s sister’s family. Second, Rob never goes to Mass either (which upsets me that he said yes to this knowing full well that he hasn’t lived a Catholic lifestyle for the last 10-15 years). Furthermore, I’m 99% sure his marriage was never convalidated by the Church. I remarked to Mom that the only time those two have been to Mass in the last five years was for Dad’s funeral. The only time my niece goes to Mass is when Mom takes here, while my brother and sister-in-law sleep in. It’s a sham and I’m having a very difficult time convincing myself to be a part of it. Make no mistake, I’ll still get him something for his baptism, but I’m really wrestling with the idea of going to the Mass.

God bless,
J

 

[kmuestwin]

It sounds like you need to do your best to take the opportunity to be an adult. Your family dynamic sounds very difficult but for the sake of the children involved you should try and treat your extended family with respect.

You are correct. A Godparent should be a part of the child’s faith. By accepting this spiritual parenthood they are saying to God and to your brother that in the event of their death, their child will be raised in the Catholic faith. A Godparent should be an example. Sadly, we don’t live in a perfect world and people accept duties that they really can’t commit to. It’s tough but you can’t do anything about it. The only thing you can do is to control how you act in the situation. You should try and take this infant’s baptism as a chance for spiritual healing for your family. Don’t let your hurt feelings and your brother and sister in law’s lack of forethought in choosing be a hunderance to what you really need to take care of.

You need to be patient and let their mistake in judgement go. Don’t avoid the baptism out of spite. Take this opportunity to offer up your hurt feelings for the spiritual well being of your nephew.

It’s going to be difficult but you NEED to try and heal this rift in your family. Nobody will ever know and love you the same way a brother will. Your family is going to be a part of your life for the rest of your life. You need to make the choice to love them and sacrifice your feelings for the betterment of everyone involved.

 

[shainski]

Well, i would attend the baptism. The child is still your nephew. Baptism is a sacrament, and whether the parents or Godparents are as sincere as you would like doesn’t change that.

Many people have Godparents to honor someone - as opposed to giving them a responsibility in raising the child in the church - right or wrong.

But it seems to me, that your role in this child’s upbringing is even more important if you see no other adequate role model for him. Severing ties with the family is not going to accomplish anything. And it won’t make you feel good that you did it either.

 

[peace2u2]

Your nephew needs you more than you realize. I hope and pray that you will attend his Baptism and please pray to the Holy Spirit to remove from you any anger that you feel as not being asked to be his godfather and replace the anger with the love and compassionate heart of Jesus.

You can still be part of his Catholic Faith in a very powerful way by being present on all of his special days. Hopefully, you will be able to give him gifts that show how important his Catholic faith is even on birthdays as it sounds like the people chosen to be his godparents won’t being living up to their Baptismal promise. But you can do it for them without them even knowing. I would also try and refrain from any temptation to correct those that are mislead or confused in their faith and instead pray for them to be led to repentance and conversion. Who knows maybe you will be asked to be his sponsor for Confirmation. Pray for God’s Spirit to guide you and He will.

As a follower of Christ, we want to emmulate Christ who was always kind even to his enemies. It is our example and how we treat people that is remembered.

Peace 2u2

 

[MaryWannaBe]

I would go. While you may be entirely correct that the choice of godparents is a poor one, all the more reason this child is going to need other practicing Catholics around him to make up for what his godparents lack. Even though the child is an infant at this point, go for him, not necessarily your family.

Best of luck in your decision.

 

[cradlecatholic5]

My thoughts …

Attend the Baptism, it’s your nephew. Godparent picking is the parent’s choice.

Just love and pray for your little nephew like any good Uncle would.

My niece was baptized Baptist and my Mom & I attended. Glad my sister-in-law gave her a faith foundation.

 

[CatholicJHwk]

Everyone brings up good points here and I’ll take them under advisement. I think perhaps the reason it gets under my skin is because my own mother has told me they made mistakes with my two older brothers Godparents. They selected friends rather than those that would provide a good example of how to live a Catholic lifestyle. They got it right with the younger two (myself included). As you get older you begin to listen more to your parents and heed their advice (and then wish you did when you were a teenager but that’s another thread).

I’ve reached out to them quite often - asked them to attend Christmas Eve Mass with us, fish fries, etc. It all boils down to Shelly. I’m not absolving my wife, as she has certainly fanned the flames, but Shelly refurses to even enter the same restaurant, house, whatever structure. My brother told me that she didn’t speak to her brother-in-law for 5 years because of something he said or did. And I stand by the mantra of “If my wife isn’t welcome, then neither am I.”