BCP within marriage

[Susansmum]

Hi,

I am married to an unbeliever and we have a daughter together. I have started attendind Mass and RCIA classes as I feel drawn to the Catholic Church. My problem is that my husband has told me that I can’t stop using BCP. If I do my marriage will suffer and so will my daughter. Does this mean that I should stop looking into joining the Catholic church?

My husband is very anti religion and it is very hard for him to accept me exploring my faith. I am also on medication for other illness’s that can cause problems in pregnancy, and have been advised by my doctors not to fall pregnant.

I am really torn can I continue to use BCP to save my marriage and continue my journey to the Catholic faith and pray for my husband and daughter?

I just don’t know what to do.

 

[the-3rd-parent]

I think this should be posted in the forum where the professionals answer. One similar question presented basically said that it would be a sin for you to use birth control but you could permit him to use it.

Converting to the truth takes a lot of sacrifices and honestly I have heard of worse situations. For instance, my grandfather left the Church decades ago. He never got an annullment and “married” another woman outside of the Church. My grandma returned to her previous faith, baptist, and also married another man. The weird thing is that both my grandparents get along fine. Granted Dad has told me there were serious issues but that he didn’t want me to look at anyone different and judge them so who knows.

But the thing is, grandpa would have to leave or live like brother and sister with the woman he has now been with for 23 years if he were to return to the Church.

I can’t remember the exact quote but there’s a passage where Jesus said that he did not come to bring peace, but that he would bring discord among families. I wish I remembered where.

I wouldn’t stop. God comes first always. Follow Him where ever he leads you and carry whatever cross He gives you. Offer it up to Christ and in union with Christ’s sacrifice. It may shorten your time in Purgatory.

God Bless.

 

[gardenswithkids]

Hello and welcome to CA forums. I’m glad that you are interested in learning more about our faith. As you are discovering, changes can upset a non-believing spouse and create new dynamics within marriage. But that doesn’t mean you should stop seeking God in the Catholic Church, especially as you say you feel drawn to the Church.

The answer when one spouse refuses to give up contraception isn’t always quite so clear. If you search this forum for topics such as “spouse refuses NFP” or “birth control” or “contraception”, you’ll find more discussion on this topic than you ever imagined. Please realize you are not alone with this situation. It seems strange, but society tells us anything goes in the bedroom, yet discarding contraception is about the only thing that some people won’t allow.

Ideally your husband will come to understand the Church teachings, embrace them and the Church. And you’ll live happily ever after. (But in reality that may never happen.) In the meantime as you pray for his conversion, the Church teachings in a document called the Vademecum for Confessors recognizes the issue of contraception can get complicated if both spouses don’t agree. (I think this document was originally written for priests to help them give advice on matters such as these. A good priest might be able to provide better specific advice.) As I understand it basically, the spouse who refuses to quit contracepting should be the one using it (if contraception is going to be used at all), and the Catholic attempting to follow Church teachings should pray and try to persuade the other spouse to adhere to Church teachings. (Don’t nag, but gently and lovingly try to pursuade.)

In other words, if you desire to quit using the Birth Control Pill, your husband shouldn’t force you to continue taking it. If he desires to use contraception, he can be the one to use it. If there are other reasons (beyond preventing pregnancy) that the doctor has you on birth control pills, the Church does allow use of the hormones as medication. (That also being said, sometimes those hormones may result in break-through ovulation and allow fertilization, but they also thin the lining of the uterus so that new life is unlikely to attach and the fertilized egg-aka baby–is lost. Check the details on the insert of your pills further about that. Oh, and some have redefined conception to be implantation and not union of egg and sperm.)

I know it can get very complicated, but please don’t let this keep you away from the Catholic Church. God will provide all the graces you need if you ask Him.

 

[1ke]

Susansmum:

Hi,

I am married to an unbeliever and we have a daughter together. I have started attendind Mass and RCIA classes as I feel drawn to the Catholic Church. My problem is that my husband has told me that I can’t stop using BCP. If I do my marriage will suffer and so will my daughter. Does this mean that I should stop looking into joining the Catholic church?

My husband is very anti religion and it is very hard for him to accept me exploring my faith. I am also on medication for other illness’s that can cause problems in pregnancy, and have been advised by my doctors not to fall pregnant.

I am really torn can I continue to use BCP to save my marriage and continue my journey to the Catholic faith and pray for my husband and daughter?

I just don’t know what to do.

What do you mean your husband says you “can’t” stop using the Pill? He is not a dicator. He does not rule your body. The Pill, in addition to being immoral is also harmful to your body. What if you were contraindicated due to being over 35, high blood pressure, etc? Does he put his sexual selfishness above your health and welfare? I’m sorry, that just rubbed me the wrong way. He cannot just unilaterally order you to stay on the Pill.

The Pill can be abortifacient, so this is serious in that regard too.

First, I would say, get really good information on NFP from www.omsoul.com, www.ccli.org, and www.creightonmodel.com. Read up on it and become educated yourself so that you can talk to him in a reasonable and scientific manner. NFP can be perfectly effective for avoiding pregnancy since you have a serious reason to do so.

Secondly, my advice is to stop contracepting. If he wants to contracept, you can’t stop him. He can use a condom and you can still have relations with him if you continue to try to get him to stop periodically. But, tell him you will not sin.

**Lastly, I really suggest you talk to your priest about the situation and how to handle it in the context of your conversion. ** He can help you through this difficult time.

 

[Cupofkindness]

You might also look into marital counseling since this may well be a rough ride for you. You’re making a huge change in your life and your husband understandably feels threatened. Perhaps God is calling him too!