Bearing a Cross, or being taken advantage of

[Black_Jaque]

If I quit my job we would fall way below poverty level. I would actually LOVE to quit my job and stay home! I love what I do (at work), but would rather be at home. I don’t think it would be prudent to quit and force my husband to find different work. I see where you are coming from, but that would only put a bigger strain on the relationship. I think we need to be on the same page to start out with. I think getting to that point will start with more communication.

It’s so easy when you always have the same arguement/discussion to just not what to talk about it anymore, but that also give the impression that you are okay with the current situation.

Bottom line, we need to continue to talk about it. I’ve been very bad about that lately. Thank you all for your insight!

Falling below poverty level is NOT death. And if it actually had the affect of forcing your husband to find a different job that might actually raise you out of poverty level.

You don’t necessarily have to play hard-ball like that right away. Perhaps just proposing the goal that you want to stay home and discussing how to acheive would be sufficient.

Perhaps you need to seriously examine your own motives for working outside the home. Is it because you can’t stand living in a “tar-paper shack”? Or is it to enable your husband to “do what he pleases”?

Neither one is a very good reason to leave the home to work.

In the day and age of “women’s equality” I am beginning to see more men choose “hobbies” rather than jobs or careers. I’ve also listened to women rant about how hard they work - just to put food on the table, then I’ve visited their homes and seen that they live a much more posh existance than my wife and I do. Basically they were blowing smoke because if these women faced the honest truth that they really put their kids in Day-care so that they can have marble floors and hot-tubs in the master bedrooms they would go nuts. Not that you are quite that way. But bare sheetrock isn’t really so bad. I knew of one family that lived like that. They were happy.

It’s called coveting thy neighbors goods. If everyone lived with unfinished drywall we’d never know the difference. But because one person gets theirs wallpapered, we all want finished walls.

The conundrum is also that things require maintainence. A single room house is a lot easier to “keep” than a 24-room mansion. Those big great-rooms with windows way high? How on earth to you keep the cobwebs clear?

Read up on the Little House series. They offer some interesting insight on things that are practical and things that are status symbols - though in an indirect way. I think Laura mentions how her Grandparents refused to move out of their log cabin even though everyone in the neighborhood was moving “up” to clapboard houses. The Grandparents had observed how much more comfortable a log cabin was in the winter. In those days clapboard houses were not insulated, just 2x4’s with siding and plaster walls, and as a result they were drafty and cold. That meant a whole lot more wood was needed to heat through a winter.

Laura also mentions things like her chores. She had to sweep the house. Which being a two-room shack got done right quikly. It wasn’t an onerous chore by any stretch.

 

[leonie]

I think the op is more upset that her husband is a work a holic than anything.

I bet if the husband took a day off as was suggested–everything would be transformed.

 

[1ke]

This thread has convinced me to chase away any farmers who try to court my daughters.

leonie,

Work-a-holics come in all shapes and sizes, not just farmers. Try a lawyer on for size… that can be even worse.

This specific family dynamic also contributes to the OP’s issues. It could be solved, but she has to speak up.

We have a well defined succession plan for the farm, and have sole control over it. The parents are retired and do not hold the purse strings-- nor do they attempt to interfere in our decisions. I doubt they would ever dream of doing so no matter what-- they are not the type of people to do so.

 

[leonie]

leonie,

Work-a-holics come in all shapes and sizes, not just farmers. Try a lawyer on for size… that can be even worse.

This specific family dynamic also contributes to the OP’s issues. It could be solved, but she has to speak up.

We have a well defined succession plan for the farm, and have sole control over it. The parents are retired and do not hold the purse strings-- nor do they attempt to interfere in our decisions. I doubt they would ever dream of doing so no matter what-- they are not the type of people to do so.

Well, I know farmers and they are all work a holics!

 

[redtech]

My husband is a farmer too. He’s a grain farmer though. His uncle had a dairy when he was young and he had to work long hours milking and doing other chores just like you said. He hates cows to this day (except to eat them).

I feel for you. I think I only get a taste of the stress you have. I turn into a single mother during planting and harvest seasons. His boss is a strict Christian and they don’t work on Sundays… However, we do own 80 acres of our own and DH rents some on top of that. So on Sundays, he does his own farming. During the busy seasons, the kids don’t even SEE their dad because he leaves before the get up and gets home after we’ve all gone to bed. I’m too much of a spaz to allow the kids around all that machinery.

Dh barely makes ends meet with his own farm. He usually makes just enough to cover his expenses. He might end up with a few hundred dollars which he has to use to pay off whatever new (used) planter or chisel plow that he “needed” that year. If it wasn’t for his steady pay check as a farm hand, we’d be starving. I don’t think I could support the whole family on my pay alone.

I’ve tried to talk to my DH about giving up farming his own ground and just doing his own job but he gets mad. He’s determined to keep farming because he says he doesn’t know how to do anything else. Sadly, I don’t think he does.

Kresbrook - you DESERVE to have something on your walls. You DESERVE to have more than 30 minutes of family time. I agree with you too. TV doesn’t count.

 

[farmfresh]

It looks like there have been several good replies here for Kresbrook to think about. A few things I would like to add…

1. I cant picture myself ever thinking of life on a farm as a ‘cross to bear’, no matter how bad farm life became. BUT, i’m not you, and you may have different tastes than I do (I go stir crazy in a city, for instance!). Several people have offered the good ole ‘be thankful for what you’ve got’ advice. i understand that sometimes that’s hard to swallow. one thing that helps me notice the good things in my life is to ask God to remind me of them. just ask him! I will find myself saying 'please remind me today of how beautiful my life is." and you know what? he makes sure that I notice the beautiful sunset outside my kitchen window, or makes sure that I get an extra second to enjoy the newborn calves bouncing across the field.
2. you say that your family doesnt get to see your husband. I dont remember if you said how old the kids are or not, but by all means, load them up in the truck and take them to him! I grew up on a tractor and lord knows your kids can too. It’s either that or, from the sounds of it, they will grow up not knowing their father. Your children NEED to know about farming, in the same way that your husband NEEDS to farm. Your kids are right smack dab in the middle of the best place on earth to grow up…on a family farm. Dont let them miss out on what they will learn and experience from that. There is nothing wrong with ‘family time’ being out in the shop while fixing a piece of equipment. I ate (and still do) a LOT of meals off the tailgate of a farm truck, under a shade tree in the hay field, and probably just as many in the tank room of the milk barn. It can be (and it should be) done.
3. You dont mention what you do to help out on the farm. could you and the kids get the milking done, so that DH is able to be in the house by dark? or help with chores in some way? feed the bottle calves, help clean up the barn afterwards?
4. Get those finances worked out with the MIL, ASAP! Farm income can be seasonal, but the farms budget should enable steady outflow, at least enough of one so that you can plan your personal budget around it. You can not let yourselves be taken advantage of by the MIL. This should be a top priority of discussions w/ DH. Get your ducks in a row, maybe even talk with bro in law about it (is he in the same boat as you?) then sit down with MIL, as a business meeting, and work thru it.
5. and finally, there is no answer to why farmers are farmers. someone recently asked me why anyone would want to be a farmer. I had no straight answer for them. It’s like its bred into you or something. We grow up watching our daddys run big, powerful machinery and spend hours studying our grandads habits while buying cattle at the sale barns. We are mesmerized by this, and cant wait till the day we are old enough to do the same. We are taught to be proud of what our families to to help feed the world and to be thankful that God planted us in a place where we can still enjoy what mother nature has let us borrow…and to not take that for granted. Farming is not the most glamourous job by any means, nor is it the easiest. In fact, farming is not a job at all, its a way of life. Like I said, ask God to show you how beautiful your farm life is. I’m sure he will.

you are in my prayers!

 

[kresbrook]

Hi everyone and thank you for your (name removed by moderator)ut.

Through more thoughtfull reflection & prayer I do think that my MIL is one of the biggest problems here. I’m not trying to blame her, but I’ll try to express why I feel that way.

She is very controling (with money and time). It causes me to feel like and outsider in the sense that’s it’s made clear to me that the farm is a partnership between the MIL and her two sons. When we married there was a prenuptual agreement because they wanted to protect the business. I am not consulted on any farm decissions (not that I would have any constructive (name removed by moderator)ut, but it would be nice to be included). I have offered to help with chores, but the response is usually "it’s easier to do it myself than to explain it’, also a lot of the machinery is old, and my husband is concerned that it might break and I would make it worse. The kids are 4 and 7, so they are finally old enought to start helping, and in the summer they do.

With all the work I do around the house, taking care of the kids an working full time, it’s really hard to want to work in the barn too, especially when I don’t feel like it’s a family farm. I think this is what contributes to the feeling that it’s his “job” and not a way of life.

I agree that I need to discuss this more with my husband, but I have gotten some good insights from these posts. I really do enjoy living on the farm, the sunrises & sunsets, and the quietness. I work hard to keep our life simple and keep outside influance out of our home life, and not let life get away from us as far as activities go.

I need to point out to my husband that he seems to want it both ways. He wants it to be a family farm & to have my support, yet wants it to be just a business with his mom & brother. I think it needs to be all or none. Maybe that means throwing my income into the pot, but getting more control over finanaces. At least this gives me a place to start the conversation. I do think that some of my frustrations with the house stem from the above issues, and I really just want to feel like a family and not a roommate.

Thanks again, you have all given me things to think about!

 

[farmfresh]

isnt it amazing how just one person can totally change the dynamics of a business or family?? i understand how an ‘outsider’ could feel excluded very easily. I’ve noticed it within my own family. my SIL sometimes feels the same, b/c she does not come from a farm either. I try to make her feel welcome and needed, and take the time to teach her little bits here and there about what we’re doing and why. My mom gets a frustrated w/ this, but I had to tell her that SIL is here (hopefully to stay), and WANTS to be involved, we should be thankful, not bothered about it. and yes, there are things that DH would probably just rather do than have to explain and supervise someone else doing it, but if you start out slowly, with little things, i bet he wont even notice. after he notices that you are truly interested, it will likely make him proud and start to consider you and him as more of a team, which will then mean that he will want to teach you more stuff. next thing you know, he’ll be working you to death! ha! this could take a while to clear up, especially with the MIL thrown into the mix, but hang in there. is Bro In Law married? if so, does she have the same problems? if so, both your DH and BIL need to get their ducks in a row and then present the problems to MIL. Keep praying for God to remind you of your blessings! I will keep you in my prayers also!

 

[Black_Jaque]

I have offered to help with chores, but the response is usually "it’s easier to do it myself than to explain it’, also a lot of the machinery is old, and my husband is concerned that it might break and I would make it worse. The kids are 4 and 7, so they are finally old enought to start helping, and in the summer they do.

Interesting that they’re willing to include the grandchildren who will need just as much supervision and explain as you would.

and finally, there is no answer to why farmers are farmers. someone recently asked me why anyone would want to be a farmer. I had no straight answer for them. It’s like its bred into you or something.

I can perfectly understand why a farmer would like to farm. I’ve helped out on farms and can say that even cleaning heffer pens was “good” work.

However, a husbands duty is to provide for his family. If farming doesn’t cut it, I do not think it very respectable for a man to force his wife to work so that he can maintain his farming hobby. I know of one guy who played pool for money. He was good enough that he could “come out ahead” with his winnings, but not good enough to support his wife and daughter. So his wife worked, while he just played pool.