Becoming a vengeful monster

[Margarete_Faust]

I am a 25-year-old female who wants to remain chaste until marriage… which has resulted in me falling in love with people who will not accept chastity and they have broken it off, leaving me heart-broken and feeling worthless. Every time I date a nice Catholic boy, I find that our personalities are incompatible and it does not last long. I have suffered from depression because of my ill-luck in my love life, and this has made me struggle a lot in my relationship with God. I pray all of the time for a solution, for even an acceptance in my heart that my love life will not work out, but it does not get better.

I became friends with an agnostic guy a few months ago. As we got to be close friends, I discovered that he left a few former girlfriends for the same reasons my ex-boyfriends have left me: chastity and long-distance. I was deeply under the impression that he was not really serious about most of his relationships. I was shocked when, 9 months later, he confessed to me that he had a crush of me for the past 6 months. I was about to move back to my hometown (500 miles away), and I figured that the fact that he revealed this to me 2 weeks before I was about to leave would be so he could use me like he used his ex-girlfriends. I developed the cruel plan of playing the dating game and then cutting it off as soon as I moved back home. I played the game well, even got his friends to refer to me as his girlfriend. Yesterday, we were chatting online and I ripped into him, telling him that our 2 weeks dating was “just for fun” and “it was not really serious, so no one got hurt and we can go on with our lives”. I actually mimicked the words an ex-boyfriend used on me when he moved away and realized that I wanted the relationship to work out. Needless to say, it really upset him (apparently he was much more into me than I had originally thought) and I have been the first person to have broken his heart. I tried to apologize while maintaining that I was not actually interested in a relationship with him, but the damage was done.

The problem is, I don’t feel as bad as I should about this. Part of me is rejoicing that I got “vengeance” on someone who has his priorities in women all wrong. Maybe I was going to be the “exception” he needed, but I am secretly congratulating myself on the fact that I did not let “another man fool me” and “I got him before he got me”. I am concerned that my behavior and indifference is reflective of a deteriorating moral character; I am somehow proud of myself for causing another person pain when I am completely aware of how much that hurts to be let down like that. Part of me knows that I am testing God by saying “You would not send me the right person in the first place, so I am going to cause another one of your children pain!”

What should I do to adjust myself back into being a loving person, no matter what is done to me? I seem to not care about others at all, and that scares me. I have not dated in 1.5 years for a reason: I am still very angry at my last relationship. I desperately want to be fulfilled in my marriage vocation, but with the right person. Every time I believe God has sent me the right person, that person leaves me. I don’t want to date just to date anymore… I want a partner in life who can be by my side as we both try to build the kingdom of God… I just am losing hope and struggle with forgiveness every day. I am terrified that I will get hurt again, so I feel like I won’t feel worthless if I inflict the pain first.

Also, I am smart enough to realize that I killed my friendship beyond repair. I have tried to reach out to that guy to let him know that I am sorry for causing him pain… I feel like anyone deserves an apology at the very least. I am not asking for solutions to the friendship issues… I am only asking what I can do to stop this development into a vengeful monster. I feel too secure being the inflictor of pain, and that is not like me at all.

 

[3DOCTORS]

The problem is, I don’t feel as bad as I should about this. Part of me is rejoicing that I got “vengeance” on someone who has his priorities in women all wrong. Maybe I was going to be the “exception” he needed, but I am secretly congratulating myself on the fact that I did not let “another man fool me” and “I got him before he got me”. I am concerned that my behavior and indifference is reflective of a deteriorating moral character; I am somehow proud of myself for causing another person pain when I am completely aware of how much that hurts to be let down like that. Part of me knows that I am testing God by saying “You would not send me the right person in the first place, so I am going to cause another one of your children pain!”

What should I do to adjust myself back into being a loving person, no matter what is done to me? I seem to not care about others at all, and that scares me. I have not dated in 1.5 years for a reason: I am still very angry at my last relationship. I desperately want to be fulfilled in my marriage vocation, but with the right person. Every time I believe God has sent me the right person, that person leaves me. I don’t want to date just to date anymore… I want a partner in life who can be by my side as we both try to build the kingdom of God… I just am losing hope and struggle with forgiveness every day. **I am terrified that I will get hurt again, so I feel like I won’t feel worthless if I inflict the pain first. **

Also, I am smart enough to realize that I killed my friendship beyond repair. I have tried to reach out to that guy to let him know that I am sorry for causing him pain… I feel like anyone deserves an apology at the very least. I am not asking for solutions to the friendship issues… I am only asking what I can do to stop this development into a vengeful monster. I feel too secure being the inflictor of pain, and that is not like me at all.

I have been there and it stinks, no doubt about it. To try to turn the negative into positive here are my suggestions for what they’re worth:

Wanting to do the “pre-emptive strike” is understandable. Take it as a symptom rather than a way of life. What do I mean by “symptom”? I mean a symptom that you’re in burnout from all of this and need a period of restoration. You are already deliberately not pursuing any kind of romantic relationship for a period of time, as you state below, but you’re doing so out of frustration and anger.

If you can reframe how you think about your dating moratorium, it can become a very healing and refreshing thing for you. Think of it as kind of a special retreat time. Take time to get to know yourself, enjoy the things that you are passionate about. What makes you you. For me it was art and nature. When I was engrossed in painting, or taking a walk through the park savoring the trees and the beauty, I didn’t feel like my worth depended on what a man did or didn’t do.

Also, if you decide to try this mental reframing experiment, even if a guy approaches you during this time, explain to him briefly what you are doing and then put him out of your mind. Don’t think just because a guy wants to go out with you you have to accept if you have other plans. If he’s “the one,” he’ll be there when your soul-searching is complete.

Work and pray really hard to be able to transform your relationship and perceptions about God. Instead of feeling like you have to be in an angry oppositional relationship with Him, demanding He do this or that and “punishing” Him when He doesn’t, change your outlook to what is really true: that He is your biggest ally. He suffers and hurts when you suffer and hurt. It may take awhile to wrap your mind around this but think of Jesus at the tomb of Lazarus. Martha said to Him, “Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died.” And Jesus wept! And then He raised Lazarus from the dead. THIS is the Jesus you must turn to, not the false image the devil is trying to implant in your mind of an uncaring God who is just playing games with you. That’s a big lie. Don’t buy into it.

 

[mountee]

You honesty about your actions is very honorable, I admire your assessment of you. First, you have to date in order to find that right person that God has planned for you and staying out of the dating scene because you were hurt is understandable for a while but not 1,5 years. Assuming you are and have been actively praying for God to send you a husband, your job is to believe in your prayers and try to hear what God is telling you. None of what you did to the last young man came from God and I think you probably realize the cruelty of your actions. There is someone out there for you but it might take a while for him to be revealed. While you wait for his arrival try very hard to treat each and every person with the dignity and respect they deserve as a fellow human being, forgive the hurts you have received from others and engage in activities where like minded people can be met. I will pray for your journey to be fruitful. God bless you with the perfect mate.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Also, I am smart enough to realize that I killed my friendship beyond repair. I have tried to reach out to that guy to let him know that I am sorry for causing him pain… I feel like anyone deserves an apology at the very least. I am not asking for solutions to the friendship issues… I am only asking what I can do to stop this development into a vengeful monster. I feel too secure being the inflictor of pain, and that is not like me at all.

Been there, done that. I targeted a man, got him, used him for my own pleasure and then betrayed him, and broke his heart. And I didn’t care one bit about it at the time. He ended up repulsive to me, I thought of him as a wimp, someone who was too soft, not a man. I was as cold as ice at the time. Hard as steel. I had no morals. I also didn’t have Christ. The main difference between you and me is that I was sexual with my conquests, and you have at least avoided that mistake.

Go and spend time in front of Jesus in adoration. If you feel nothing the first few times, keep going. Jesus will touch you in those broken places, so tenderly and with such love, that your heart will be torn open with sorrow for the pain you have caused Him. He can get past all your defenses, and heal that anger and pain inside you. Go to Him. If it hurts too much to approach Jesus, go to Mary. His mother on earth will soften the way for you and lead you back to her Son.

 

[Robertanthony]

I have been there and it stinks, no doubt about it. To try to turn the negative into positive here are my suggestions for what they’re worth:

Wanting to do the “pre-emptive strike” is understandable. Take it as a symptom rather than a way of life. What do I mean by “symptom”? I mean a symptom that you’re in burnout from all of this and need a period of restoration. You are already deliberately not pursuing any kind of romantic relationship for a period of time, as you state below, but you’re doing so out of frustration and anger.

If you can reframe how you think about your dating moratorium, it can become a very healing and refreshing thing for you. Think of it as kind of a special retreat time. Take time to get to know yourself, enjoy the things that you are passionate about. What makes you you. For me it was art and nature. When I was engrossed in painting, or taking a walk through the park savoring the trees and the beauty, I didn’t feel like my worth depended on what a man did or didn’t do.

Also, if you decide to try this mental reframing experiment, even if a guy approaches you during this time, explain to him briefly what you are doing and then put him out of your mind. Don’t think just because a guy wants to go out with you you have to accept if you have other plans. If he’s “the one,” he’ll be there when your soul-searching is complete.

Work and pray really hard to be able to transform your relationship and perceptions about God. Instead of feeling like you have to be in an angry oppositional relationship with Him, demanding He do this or that and “punishing” Him when He doesn’t, change your outlook to what is really true: that He is your biggest ally. He suffers and hurts when you suffer and hurt. It may take awhile to wrap your mind around this but think of Jesus at the tomb of Lazarus. Martha said to Him, “Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died.” And Jesus wept! And then He raised Lazarus from the dead. THIS is the Jesus you must turn to, not the false image the devil is trying to implant in your mind of an uncaring God who is just playing games with you. That’s a big lie. Don’t buy into it.

I’m pretty positive people come from a good place when they try to sell God as lovey dovey, but God is impassible. He may be someone’s best ally, he may will someone’s best, but he doesn’t suffer nor weep.

 

[Fairwinds]

what’s the equivalent of a dutch uncle for women?

has anyone told you you’re immature for your age and shouldn’t be dating, blaming God or men (or, here, boys)? or ask that if chastity is your value, how can anyone make you feel bad about it?

didn’t think so.

 

[3DOCTORS]

I’m pretty positive people come from a good place when they try to sell God as lovey dovey, but God is impassible. He may be someone’s best ally, he may will someone’s best, but he doesn’t suffer nor weep.

Are you Catholic? If so, have you looked at a crucifix lately? If you’re not Catholic, I could understand this response might be coming from a different view about God. Otherwise I find it, at the least, puzzling.

But let’s not get bogged down with that - let’s help the OP with compassionate advice, which we can do if we genuinely care about her, even if our own beliefs differ.

 

[Bezant]

You might find something worthwhile in Genesis 4, after God rejects Cain’s offering:

“Why art thou wroth, and why is thy countenance fallen? If thou doest well, shall it not be lifted up? And if thou doest not well, sin coucheth at the door; and unto thee is its desire, but thou mayest rule over it.”

Essentially, Cain represents people so fixated on earthly matters (work, competition, revenge) that it stunts their spiritual and personal growth. God challenges Cain to elevate his spiritual level, but like many of us, Cain yielded to his petty desires. Whatever satisfaction he took in murdering Abel probably didn’t compare to the guilt.

Take this experience as a lesson. If you dig a hole for someone, prepare to fall deeper. You only corrupt your self worth when you tear people down. Instead, build others up. If you don’t already do so, I suggest that you dedicate a regular portion of your schedule to charitable work in your community.

 

[3DOCTORS]

Sometimes I think we women have it more difficult (not saying it’s a walk in the park for guys either so bear with me) because we usually must wait to be chosen. Sadie Hawkins events and feminism may have changed the picture slightly but not that much when it comes to dating. And some people are going back to more traditional ways anyway, of only having the male take the lead in such matters.

Regardless of one’s beliefs, in practical terms it’s hard not to feel like a wallflower at times. Seeing guys ask other gals out and wondering “What am I, chopped liver?”

So sometimes resentments can build up and that’s why I say we just really have to work on building our own esteem - and realizing our goodness as daughters of God - so that the waiting game doesn’t wear us down.

And forgiveness and making amends for our wrongs will be helpful in that, because we will come out of it knowing we are building a better character. :yup: We will be stronger and have that inherent dignity more easily. Pray for the graces needed to eat the stir-fried crow if that’s what it takes - then forgive yourself as well and keep moving forward. Stay occupied with worthy pursuits and refuse to brood.

 

[Ruthie_again]

you have to date in order to find that right person that God has planned for you

Not necessarily. I didn’t find “Mr. Right” until I had given up on finding him, and accepted that it was God’s will. I returned to being friends with men. I’ve always had more men friends than women friends, even to the point where some people “knew” that I was a lesbian!

One man went from acquaintance to friend to best friend - and only then did we realize we were in love. We knew each other very well by then, including all the irritating things. We had already chosen to accept those things as friends; so when we fell in love, we didn’t think, as so many couples in love do, that the other would change if we got married. For instance, I chose to accept that, during football season, he couldn’t hear me talk except during the commercials. (And last year, I started to really like and be interested in the game, which makes him even happier!)

We’ve been married for 16 years, and we’re still in love.

This culture of death tries to teach everyone that having as much sex as possible is healthy. I’m glad you haven’t fallen for that. But you have to face the fact that most guys you meet don’t think virginity is healthy, let alone the right thing to do. If I was you, I’d make it plain at the end of the first date, and ask them to choose right then whether or not to see you again. If somebody keeps dating you anyway, do it again and often.

If he then decides to dump you because you won’t have sex, then he isn’t who you thought he was. He thought he could get past your principles; in other words, he did not accept you for who you are. And he lied to you about it. He’s not worthy of you. :nope:

I hope you will be as happy as I am!

 

[Luvz2travel]

I am a 25-year-old female who wants to remain chaste until marriage… which has resulted in me falling in love with people who will not accept chastity and they have broken it off, leaving me heart-broken and feeling worthless. Every time I date a nice Catholic boy, I find that our personalities are incompatible and it does not last long. I have suffered from depression because of my ill-luck in my love life, and this has made me struggle a lot in my relationship with God. I pray all of the time for a solution, for even an acceptance in my heart that my love life will not work out, but it does not get better.

I became friends with an agnostic guy a few months ago. As we got to be close friends, I discovered that he left a few former girlfriends for the same reasons my ex-boyfriends have left me: chastity and long-distance. I was deeply under the impression that he was not really serious about most of his relationships. I was shocked when, 9 months later, he confessed to me that he had a crush of me for the past 6 months. I was about to move back to my hometown (500 miles away), and I figured that the fact that he revealed this to me 2 weeks before I was about to leave would be so he could use me like he used his ex-girlfriends. I developed the cruel plan of playing the dating game and then cutting it off as soon as I moved back home. I played the game well, even got his friends to refer to me as his girlfriend. Yesterday, we were chatting online and I ripped into him, telling him that our 2 weeks dating was “just for fun” and “it was not really serious, so no one got hurt and we can go on with our lives”. I actually mimicked the words an ex-boyfriend used on me when he moved away and realized that I wanted the relationship to work out. Needless to say, it really upset him (apparently he was much more into me than I had originally thought) and I have been the first person to have broken his heart. I tried to apologize while maintaining that I was not actually interested in a relationship with him, but the damage was done.

The problem is, I don’t feel as bad as I should about this. Part of me is rejoicing that I got “vengeance” on someone who has his priorities in women all wrong. Maybe I was going to be the “exception” he needed, but I am secretly congratulating myself on the fact that I did not let “another man fool me” and “I got him before he got me”. I am concerned that my behavior and indifference is reflective of a deteriorating moral character; I am somehow proud of myself for causing another person pain when I am completely aware of how much that hurts to be let down like that. Part of me knows that I am testing God by saying “You would not send me the right person in the first place, so I am going to cause another one of your children pain!”

What should I do to adjust myself back into being a loving person, no matter what is done to me? I seem to not care about others at all, and that scares me. I have not dated in 1.5 years for a reason: I am still very angry at my last relationship. I desperately want to be fulfilled in my marriage vocation, but with the right person. Every time I believe God has sent me the right person, that person leaves me. I don’t want to date just to date anymore… I want a partner in life who can be by my side as we both try to build the kingdom of God… I just am losing hope and struggle with forgiveness every day. I am terrified that I will get hurt again, so I feel like I won’t feel worthless if I inflict the pain first.

Also, I am smart enough to realize that I killed my friendship beyond repair. I have tried to reach out to that guy to let him know that I am sorry for causing him pain… I feel like anyone deserves an apology at the very least. I am not asking for solutions to the friendship issues… I am only asking what I can do to stop this development into a vengeful monster. I feel too secure being the inflictor of pain, and that is not like me at all.

Well you learned a good lesson here hurting someone will only eventually hurt you more. I’ve been in your shoes many a time. The only guy I really ever came close to loving dumped me because I wouldn’t give him what he wanted even though I was honest where I stood from the begining. He took my refusal as personal rejection which it wasn’t. He’s been dating someone I know for about 2 years and still hasn’t commited to her either. Another guy told me early on I would never find a guy who would accept it and he’s been proven right so far. I’ve just learned to let it go. I tried dating a guy who claimed to be a conservative catholic but he was still in love with his exfiance…I didn’t know this when I started dating him. He tried to humiliate me in front of all my friends on New Years Eve when he ran into his ex at the same party. He kept obessesing over her the whole time. I would say that’s the closest to hating someone I’ve ever gotten. I broke it off after I cooled down a bit and could talk to him without explitives so the speak. I let it go. He eventually married her by the way…she was just as childish in her behavior. I’ve found over the years it’s best to let things go. Why give others the control over you behavior or feeling. I’m still alone but being alone is better than being in miserable company. Prayers.

 

[Margarete_Faust]

You might find something worthwhile in Genesis 4, after God rejects Cain’s offering:

Essentially, Cain represents people so fixated on earthly matters (work, competition, revenge) that it stunts their spiritual and personal growth. God challenges Cain to elevate his spiritual level, but like many of us, Cain yielded to his petty desires. Whatever satisfaction he took in murdering Abel probably didn’t compare to the guilt.

Take this experience as a lesson. If you dig a hole for someone, prepare to fall deeper. You only corrupt your self worth when you tear people down. Instead, build others up. If you don’t already do so, I suggest that you dedicate a regular portion of your schedule to charitable work in your community.

I guess I also need to reread Steinbeck’s East of Eden to remind myself of how vengeance is the ultimate destroyer of the one performing the vengeance.

The funny thing is that I have devoted a lot of my time to charity and have done my best to be empathetic to others. I am just falling into the mindset that any non-Catholic guy (or non-devout Catholic) is ultimately bad and can’t be trusted. I will try to learn from this. It’s just rough when experience has taught me to be on my guard and that the only way I can be safe is to lash out at others. I fear that men see me as some little lamb that can be stomped on, and I have spent a lot of the past 1.5 years trying to assert strength and confidence… somewhere that translated into being vindictive as well.

 

[Margarete_Faust]

Wanting to do the “pre-emptive strike” is understandable. Take it as a symptom rather than a way of life. What do I mean by “symptom”? I mean a symptom that you’re in burnout from all of this and need a period of restoration. You are already deliberately not pursuing any kind of romantic relationship for a period of time, as you state below, but you’re doing so out of frustration and anger.

If you can reframe how you think about your dating moratorium, it can become a very healing and refreshing thing for you. Think of it as kind of a special retreat time. Take time to get to know yourself, enjoy the things that you are passionate about. What makes you you. For me it was art and nature. When I was engrossed in painting, or taking a walk through the park savoring the trees and the beauty, I didn’t feel like my worth depended on what a man did or didn’t do.

Thanks, I will try to focus my energies on more positive things. It is easier since I moved out of the town that was my home for 2 years and can start fresh enough, I just need to be persistent at restoring myself. It actually sounds lovely, and I am looking forward to it. Thanks!

 

[3DOCTORS]

Thanks, I will try to focus my energies on more positive things. It is easier since I moved out of the town that was my home for 2 years and can start fresh enough, I just need to be persistent at restoring myself. It actually sounds lovely, and I am looking forward to it. Thanks!

You’re welcome, glad it was helpful. It’s human nature to sometimes “overcorrect” one problem (like having bad luck with guys) and without meaning to, create another (such as becoming overly aggressive instead of a nice balance of assertive). Keep praying and practicing, balance will come. :heaven:

 

[Havard]

As a single guy, I just want to say that women like the OP and Luvz2travel are exactly the kind of women I respect and admire, and hope to be blessed to end up with some day. I know what it’s like to be dumped because of chastity, although I know it happens to you ladies much more often than it does to us men. I’ve given up on dating women who aren’t real, practicing Catholics, and although I know it narrows the pool a LOT, after learning from my past experiences, I know it’s the right thing now.

Also OP, please don’t ever feel like a doormat. You are sticking to your convictions. You have to be strong to do that.

 

[CompSciGuy]

I am a 25-year-old female who wants to remain chaste until marriage… which has resulted in me falling in love with people who will not accept chastity and they have broken it off, leaving me heart-broken and feeling worthless. Every time I date a nice Catholic boy, I find that our personalities are incompatible and it does not last long.

Maybe I am being a bit presumptuous here, but this sounds an awful lot like the classic example of the dating outside the faith challenge. Here is what I have observed: in general, girls tend to go for the guys who are very confident and direct. Nice Catholic/Christian guys are cautious in proceeding into a relationship and are concerned about chastity and setting boundaries, where non-Christian guys are not, they are very direct and forward about it. So in the end the Christian guys lose and the non-Christian guys win, the girl “follows her heart” even if the guy wants to lead her where she does not want to go, hoping that things will work out for the better anyway. I am not saying that this is or is not happening to you. All I am saying is that I see this so often, and the way you described it it sort of sounds like it fits the pattern. I would say to you and to many other girls who face this situation, think about what you really want in a man. Do you want a man who is good, who wants to preserve your chastity and your dignity, who will support you in your faith and raise a good Christian family, or do you want a guy who is simply confident and sure of himself? As men and women get older, they often have to lose their perfectionist attitude towards the more superficial qualities. My recommendation to young Catholic women would be, don’t rely too much on your feelings, let your brain guide you a little more, give the “nice Catholic guys” more of a chance and don’t date outside of the faith, because it rarely turns out well.

 

[Margarete_Faust]

Maybe I am being a bit presumptuous here, but this sounds an awful lot like the classic example of the dating outside the faith challenge. Here is what I have observed: in general, girls tend to go for the guys who are very confident and direct. Nice Catholic/Christian guys are cautious in proceeding into a relationship and are concerned about chastity and setting boundaries, where non-Christian guys are not, they are very direct and forward about it. So in the end the Christian guys lose and the non-Christian guys win, the girl “follows her heart” even if the guy wants to lead her where she does not want to go, hoping that things will work out for the better anyway. I am not saying that this is or is not happening to you. All I am saying is that I see this so often, and the way you described it it sort of sounds like it fits the pattern. I would say to you and to many other girls who face this situation, think about what you really want in a man. Do you want a man who is good, who wants to preserve your chastity and your dignity, who will support you in your faith and raise a good Christian family, or do you want a guy who is simply confident and sure of himself? As men and women get older, they often have to lose their perfectionist attitude towards the more superficial qualities. My recommendation to young Catholic women would be, don’t rely too much on your feelings, let your brain guide you a little more, give the “nice Catholic guys” more of a chance and don’t date outside of the faith, because it rarely turns out well.

My response to this is: yes and no. At first, I did go after guys who were confident, but when I realized that this reflected a surface level of narcissism, I started to go after guys who were more humble. Also, narcissists can be Catholic too; I did go on a date about 8 weeks ago with a guy, who on the surface, seems like the ideal Catholic guy, but when we actually went on the date, I was horrified at the way he treated our bartender and “presumed” that I was going to meet him on the following evening when he knew well that I had a Masters thesis deadline to meet and very little free time (and that my time with him that evening was the only time I could spare for anyone that entire weekend).

I have always wanted a guy who can be a good husband and father, and who can be my partner on my journey to come home to God. At the same time, I don’t believe that Catholic man + Catholic woman = perfect Catholic marriage. I think even we as the faithful has personality quirks that require special partners (and even partners who can change our faulty quirks for the better). I had a special connection with my last relationship… but he was a guy who believed in Christ (raised Protestant, but was more spiritual than anything else), and was on the fence about a lot of important issues. I maintained the “friendship status”, but then he started going with me to church and asked about RCIA classes. Then I let him into my heart. I truly thought at that point that he was the one God had sent for me. He left me because I would not do the little sexual things, and we were getting along in everything else. When he left me, I was heartbroken and embittered.
My point is that I have made the mistake you described, but I learned quickly, and the results later on have no reflected much of an improvement in the situation.

 

[Margarete_Faust]

As a single guy, I just want to say that women like the OP and Luvz2travel are exactly the kind of women I respect and admire, and hope to be blessed to end up with some day. I know what it’s like to be dumped because of chastity, although I know it happens to you ladies much more often than it does to us men. I’ve given up on dating women who aren’t real, practicing Catholics, and although I know it narrows the pool a LOT, after learning from my past experiences, I know it’s the right thing now.

Also OP, please don’t ever feel like a doormat. You are sticking to your convictions. You have to be strong to do that.

I feel for you, Harvard. I also know how scary the idea of narrowing the pool is (my mother and best friend criticize me about it every time I open up to them about my frustrations). I hope it works out in the end, but this time of uncertainty makes it truly frightening. Hang in there.

 

[silentfactor80]

I am a 25-year-old female who wants to remain chaste until marriage… which has resulted in me falling in love with people who will not accept chastity and they have broken it off, leaving me heart-broken and feeling worthless. Every time I date a nice Catholic boy, I find that our personalities are incompatible and it does not last long. I have suffered from depression because of my ill-luck in my love life, and this has made me struggle a lot in my relationship with God. I pray all of the time for a solution, for even an acceptance in my heart that my love life will not work out, but it does not get better.

I became friends with an agnostic guy a few months ago. As we got to be close friends, I discovered that he left a few former girlfriends for the same reasons my ex-boyfriends have left me: chastity and long-distance. I was deeply under the impression that he was not really serious about most of his relationships. I was shocked when, 9 months later, he confessed to me that he had a crush of me for the past 6 months. I was about to move back to my hometown (500 miles away), and I figured that the fact that he revealed this to me 2 weeks before I was about to leave would be so he could use me like he used his ex-girlfriends. I developed the cruel plan of playing the dating game and then cutting it off as soon as I moved back home. I played the game well, even got his friends to refer to me as his girlfriend. Yesterday, we were chatting online and I ripped into him, telling him that our 2 weeks dating was “just for fun” and “it was not really serious, so no one got hurt and we can go on with our lives”. I actually mimicked the words an ex-boyfriend used on me when he moved away and realized that I wanted the relationship to work out. Needless to say, it really upset him (apparently he was much more into me than I had originally thought) and I have been the first person to have broken his heart. I tried to apologize while maintaining that I was not actually interested in a relationship with him, but the damage was done.

The problem is, I don’t feel as bad as I should about this. Part of me is rejoicing that I got “vengeance” on someone who has his priorities in women all wrong. Maybe I was going to be the “exception” he needed, but I am secretly congratulating myself on the fact that I did not let “another man fool me” and “I got him before he got me”. I am concerned that my behavior and indifference is reflective of a deteriorating moral character; I am somehow proud of myself for causing another person pain when I am completely aware of how much that hurts to be let down like that. Part of me knows that I am testing God by saying “You would not send me the right person in the first place, so I am going to cause another one of your children pain!”

What should I do to adjust myself back into being a loving person, no matter what is done to me? I seem to not care about others at all, and that scares me. I have not dated in 1.5 years for a reason: I am still very angry at my last relationship. I desperately want to be fulfilled in my marriage vocation, but with the right person. Every time I believe God has sent me the right person, that person leaves me. I don’t want to date just to date anymore… I want a partner in life who can be by my side as we both try to build the kingdom of God… I just am losing hope and struggle with forgiveness every day. I am terrified that I will get hurt again, so I feel like I won’t feel worthless if I inflict the pain first.

Also, I am smart enough to realize that I killed my friendship beyond repair. I have tried to reach out to that guy to let him know that I am sorry for causing him pain… I feel like anyone deserves an apology at the very least. I am not asking for solutions to the friendship issues… I am only asking what I can do to stop this development into a vengeful monster. I feel too secure being the inflictor of pain, and that is not like me at all.

Why don’t you try Catholic Match? At least you can sift through those who agree with church teaching and those who don’t.

Also, there is nothing wrong with being single. I am and I enjoy it. I have my reasons as indicated by past posts but that’s another story. You have lots of free time to help the poor and contribute to society as a whole.

 

[silentfactor80]

Sometimes I think we women have it more difficult (not saying it’s a walk in the park for guys either so bear with me) because we usually must wait to be chosen. Sadie Hawkins events and feminism may have changed the picture slightly but not that much when it comes to dating. And some people are going back to more traditional ways anyway, of only having the male take the lead in such matters.

Regardless of one’s beliefs, in practical terms it’s hard not to feel like a wallflower at times. Seeing guys ask other gals out and wondering “What am I, chopped liver?”

So sometimes resentments can build up and that’s why I say we just really have to work on building our own esteem - and realizing our goodness as daughters of God - so that the waiting game doesn’t wear us down.

And forgiveness and making amends for our wrongs will be helpful in that, because we will come out of it knowing we are building a better character. :yup: We will be stronger and have that inherent dignity more easily. Pray for the graces needed to eat the stir-fried crow if that’s what it takes - then forgive yourself as well and keep moving forward. Stay occupied with worthy pursuits and refuse to brood.

It isn’t a cake walk for guys either. Try being rejected when you ask someone out. Rejection happens a lot more than acceptance. It also hurts a heck of a lot more than not being asked out at all. After being rejected it certainly can harden a guy’s heart and make him think women are wicked for rejecting his desire to love.