Becoming emotionally unavailable purposely

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After 15+ years of marriage and emotional abuse from dh, I have intentionally become emotionally unavailable to him. The intense fighting and blaming has reached its limit and I no longer want to be his “biggest fan/emotional supporter” when he comes home and tells me of the problems he’s facing at work with co-workers, etc. I purposely withhold any loving/supportive words and don’t know of any other way to handle this.

I now do to him what he has done to me and the kids – I give him no affection or care when he gets sick and I leave him in the room isolated, treat him as if he’s a bother when he asks something of me, provide no compliments for things he has accomplished, etc.

He does not have a single nice thing to say about me/towards me and he is all too quick to criticize me at a moment’s notice. I’m trying to make myself numb towards him so that once the criticisms start rolling in then I’m not hurt because I was trying to please him. I no longer seek his approval, long for his physical presence, or really care what he thinks.

When we argue we no longer try to make amends, but problems just get swept under the rug. When we attempt to talk about the issues we inevitably end up fighting. I’m just so tired of living in a marriage where I have not received the loving support I have given to him. I’m growing more comfortable with living as married singles. We’ve gone to counseling and there has been no improvement.

Anyone else gone through something like this?

Peace.

+JMJ+
 
You know the problems aren’t under the rug. They are more like crumbs on the sheets.

Your reaction to him is called Stonewalling by the marriage researcher John Gottman. It is one of the four major predictors of a divorce.

You could read the books Gottman has written on this topic and see if there are any ideas your counselors haven’t tried. I would suggest you get counseling yourself, because no one should try decision-making for herself under conditions like these.
 
I’m so sorry that both of you are going through this. :hug1:Have you sought any professional relationship counselling separately and together?

I’ve only been married for 5 years, the biggest hurdle so far was when hubby was unemployed for 8 months but we got through it with open calm communication, prayer, seeking professional career counselling, spiritual guidance from our Priest and supporting each other emotionally.
 
I’ve been thru that & the only reason we’re still together is we’re too poor to separate & he isn’t a bad person, just a bad husband. A good book that was written for husbands is If Only He Knew by Gary Smalley. My husband has never made it through even the first chapter, so it didn’t do us any good. If you read it, you might get some insight into your spiritual wounds. I do understand the need to protect yourself emotionally. As EasterJoy said, counselling for you is imperative.
 
jmj777 said:
After 15+ years of marriage and emotional abuse from dh, I have intentionally become emotionally unavailable to him. The intense fighting and blaming has reached its limit and I no longer want to be his “biggest fan/emotional supporter” when he comes home and tells me of the problems he’s facing at work with co-workers, etc. I purposely withhold any loving/supportive words and don’t know of any other way to handle this.

I now do to him what he has done to me and the kids – I give him no affection or care when he gets sick and I leave him in the room isolated, treat him as if he’s a bother when he asks something of me, provide no compliments for things he has accomplished, etc.

He does not have a single nice thing to say about me/towards me and he is all too quick to criticize me at a moment’s notice. I’m trying to make myself numb towards him so that once the criticisms start rolling in then I’m not hurt because I was trying to please him. I no longer seek his approval, long for his physical presence, or really care what he thinks.

When we argue we no longer try to make amends, but problems just get swept under the rug. When we attempt to talk about the issues we inevitably end up fighting. I’m just so tired of living in a marriage where I have not received the loving support I have given to him. I’m growing more comfortable with living as married singles. We’ve gone to counseling and there has been no improvement.

Anyone else gone through something like this?

Peace.

+JMJ+
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Counseling dear one. By yourself. Sort out your thoughts, make preparations. Protect yourself financial and emotionally.
This tactic won’t work for any length of time, and by “work” I mean truly help you to cope and the marriage to heal. Get help from your confessor and a good Catholic therapist. Your priest can recommend one through your Diocesan family ministry. You can pay what you can afford. If your husband objects simply say that since he thinks you’re the problem, you are tending to the problem. He will not want you to go of course. He will be afraid of what they will tell / advise you to do. Sometimes a reality check is what is needed.
Go get help. Do it. You can’t navigate this alone, nor should you.
 
Sorry about your situation with your husband.
Do you feel that your husband is committed to making the marriage work?
Is he Catholic/Christian-Ie: Does he pray?

I also think it would be a good idea to see a counsellor on your own to help you learn some better communication methods so that when you and your husband discuss problems/feelings that it doesn’t turn into an argument or be swept under the carpet.
Preferably a Catholic therapist or at least someone that comes from the angle of trying to repair and save marriages.
 
pianistclare said:
Counseling dear one. By yourself. Sort out your thoughts, make preparations. Protect yourself financial and emotionally.
This tactic won’t work for any length of time, and by “work” I mean truly help you to cope and the marriage to heal. Get help from your confessor and a good Catholic therapist. Your priest can recommend one through your Diocesan family ministry. You can pay what you can afford. If your husband objects simply say that since he thinks you’re the problem, you are tending to the problem. He will not want you to go of course. He will be afraid of what they will tell / advise you to do. Sometimes a reality check is what is needed.
Go get help. Do it. You can’t navigate this alone, nor should you.
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This is excellent advice. I will keep you and your husband in my prayers.
 
Bonnie said:
I’ve been thru that & the only reason we’re still together is we’re too poor to separate & he isn’t a bad person, just a bad husband. A good book that was written for husbands is If Only He Knew by Gary Smalley. My husband has never made it through even the first chapter, so it didn’t do us any good. If you read it, you might get some insight into your spiritual wounds. I do understand the need to protect yourself emotionally. As EasterJoy said, counselling for you is imperative.
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Let’s say, for argument’s sake, that the marriage is valid, because marriage ought to have that presumption unless there is a defect in form or some other very strong evidence otherwise.

Sure, the best outcome is reconciliation, but while forgiveness takes one, reconciliation takes two. Of course it is a mistake to automatically blame the other spouse, but realistically speaking it only takes the refusal of one spouse to stop the flow of trust and mutual emotional support in a marriage.

When true reconciliation is not possible, there is nothing inherently sinful about choosing to live in peace under one roof rather than to separate with the bond remaining. That does takes forgiveness, however, and that forgiveness will be an ongoing work that has to be allocated energy on an ongoing basis. Forgiveness is not excusing bad behavior. It is letting go of ill will towards someone who wronged you. It is still a work of mercy–and that means it is a work. It takes energy and the perseverance to continue with the work.

That is not easy when the offense is ongoing. As you say, though, sometimes stopping the offense is not a practical option, particularly when the offense is smallness of heart or refusal to give as one ought to give.

I’d suggest How to Forgive: A Step by Step Guide by John Monbourquette. It is not a book about passing over offenses. It is about coming face-to-face with the real truth of the offense and deciding to get beyond it by letting go of ill will against the offender.

They say resentment is like taking poison yourself and expecting the target of the resentment to die from it. Stonewalling does take a lot of personal energy that (let us be frank) can be something the target of the silent treatment learns to suffer far less than the one who is imposing the silence. Sometimes, the stonewaller is withholding emotional support or emotional availability that the recipient hardly even knows how to appreciate. It can take far more of a toll to maintain the force behind the dam than to go without the water, because the water is honesty about things both easy and difficult for the person being shut out to hear.

The OP may need to accept that she has a gift that her would-be recipient does not know how to receive, because he only knows how to receive the easy parts that make him feel better and not the difficult bits that make him feel uncomfortable or make demands on him (as reasonable, necessary or even as profitable to him as those demands may be).

At any rate, I’d suggest that she learn to identify the difference between withholding trust from someone who has abused her trust and hanging onto resentment over her husband’s failures that ultimately harms her more than him and helps no one. She may need to withhold the trust and perhaps withhold support that comes in a package with vulnerability but learn how to avoid resenting a spouse who cannot receive the beautiful gift she might have given him if he could (or, if he could, if he were only wise enough or brave or generous enough that he would).
 
+1 on working out the difference between getting some protective mechanisms up (learning to leave without the offending person’s approval, to not take his unfair criticism to heart, etc.) versus actual revenge or resentment. I’m not saying there is already revenge or resentment on the basis of the opening post, but there’s always a danger of slipping itno vengeance when giving someone a taste of his own medicine.

+1 on counselling too.

Rather than trying to sweep problems under the rug for the sake of peace (which is often a sound idea in the short term), I would try not to tackle them directly in a frontal charge (which is often a suicidal charge) but to at least communicate about them, somehow, gently, without accusatory or inflammatory language in so far as possible. Always easier said than done, of course.

I’ve had some difficult cases in my family and occasionally my broader circles, and the method I’ve used with some of them is to tolerate their mild antics pretty well but cut them short instafast before they warm up the engine when I can see something bigger in the works. And sometimes, when they’re already pretty far gone, I just show them there’s enough resistance to confrontation to make it not worth seeking. As in nobody is threatening them, nobody wants a test of wills or of anything else really, and the bad behaviour will result in neither concessions nor a fight, so there really is no reason to fight and no point trying.

I fancy the notion it works well when they can see there’s no chance of successful provocation, no chance of just triggering a fight and making everybody look equally bad, no chance at all of threats or aggression (including passive) leading to concessions, no chance of the lack of truth or merit in whatever happens to be their pretence being politely ignored, but they’re still accepted as people and no ill will is borne them.

But please note I’m male, as are most of the folks I’m talking about. It also works for me if they are female, but my experience is probably still somewhat biased.
 
Counseling, Retrouvaille and self-help books can help. Remember little pitchers have big ears- kids pick up on a lot, stonewalling (along with other behavior) isn’t good for them to see as they may do this subconsciously in relationships in the future.
 
jmj777 said:
After 15+ years of marriage and emotional abuse from dh, I have intentionally become emotionally unavailable to him.
I now do to him what he has done to me and the kids – I give him no affection or care when he gets sick and I leave him in the room isolated, treat him as if he’s a bother when he asks something of me, provide no compliments for things he has accomplished, etc.

+JMJ+
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You can’t live like this. It will emotionally damage you and is a terrible example for your children.
Follow PianistClaire’s excellent advice: counseling for yourself. Get help.

.
 
Viki63 said:
You can’t live like this. It will emotionally damage you and is a terrible example for your children.
Follow PianistClaire’s excellent advice: counseling for yourself. Get help.

.
Click to expand...
+1

This is not healthy. Counseling, and then if that doesn’t work, I think separation would be worth considering.
 
I am sorry to hear that you and your children have struggled so long with an emotionally unavailable husband and father.

I feel that you need individual counseling. If you cannot afford counseling, at least confess your bitter feelings to your priest and hopefully he can help you to move forward.

It’s not doing you or your children any good for you to treat him this way and I feel that you are actually going to be hurting yourself by doing this. You dislike his behavior toward you, so why would you behave that way? You’ll only end up regretting it and feeling worse. He certainly won’t learn the “lesson” you’re trying to teach him. Your children will certainly learn from your example though, so think of that.

Sending prayer for your situation.
 
May I offer an alternative? Everyone has suggested counseling, etc, which I’m sure you have thought of. But I’d like to just address your personal approach to coping with this situation. You have shut yourself off to protect yourself from further hurt. I get that. Absolutely normal reaction, but I think the poster who said its not good for your kids to witness is correct. You need to show them a better way.

Would you be able to view your moments of the day in way that you can ask God how you should respond? Ask God how to behave in small ways that are pleasing to Him? Look for the right intention in your actions, and ask if they are pleasing to God. You do NOT need your husband’s approval, but you are looking for God’s love and approval. Right now you have given in to resignation. This is a common way of surviving difficult circumstances. But as Christians we are not called to resignation. We are called to pick up the cross given to us, unite ourselves to that cross and find out how to continue with it while fixing it. When we begin to serve Our Lord, serving the MOST difficult in our lives become just a bit easier. I’m not saying your husband will change, or that you should expect him to notice how loving your are, etc. But you may be hurt less if you realize your goals are a more lofty goal. You are seeking God’s love and being a conduit of His Love by giving a right intention to your small actions in the day. Don’t let the anger/hurt/frustration eat you up. Give them to Mary, ask her to take them to her Son, and then Love God whith every small action.

I hope you find peace.
 
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