Beginning a Divorce

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RKS89

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My wife and I have been married almost 8 years. We have 3 kids, 6 5 and 1.5. Before the holidays things were not good and we both agreed to just get through Christmas and everything and then talk about it after. Well, there wasn’t much talking. Long story short we’ll be filing for divorce this week. We separated for a year in 2015 and got back together, bought our house and had our 3rd child. But we’re not any good for either of our kids the way we are, we’re both pretty miserable.

When we separated last time I barely saw my kids (we did the e/o weekend thing, something I’m not letting happen this time around). Because of that, because I was in a lot of pain, because a lot of my old friends were still around town I worked and I drank. A lot. At the time I hadn’t returned to the Church yet (that would come shortly after my wife and I got back together) and to be frank I’ve barely been making it to Mass, my prayer life is in the gutter (partly due to a new work schedule I’ve been put on). I need to prioritize and structure my life in all areas- my kids and being a dad, my faith and spirituality, my finances, my health and diet.

There was a time when I really felt like we would make it, that things would get better. And to some extent they did, but my wife and I are fundamentally two different people. We did no marriage counseling prior to our wedding, which I felt was a mistake then. We’ve never been to marriage counseling because she either wasn’t interested or basically admitted she didn’t feel as though she needed to change. When we got our marriage convalidated she essentially lied to my priest just to get the whole thing over with (she didn’t want to do it in the first place and was not happy about the entire process). Make no mistake, we both share the blame in the breakdown of the marriage.

I guess I’m here for some advice, some help, I’m not sure. My wife isn’t Catholic and basically thinks we’re about one step away from JWs and Mormons. She even said she wanted a divorce when I told her I was coming back to the Church (to be fair, she was about 7 months pregnant and pretty emotional). I’m not sure what my life is going to look like as a single dad and I really want to rebuild my faith and spirituality to get through this time and shape who I’ll be for the rest of my life.

Thanks for reading.
 
I am so sorry. Marriage is very hard. It is my hope that you are able to find a wise priest or deacon to help you and the kids through this. Start with yourself and your prayer life. Maybe take a retreat?

I will pray for you.
 
A retreat is a great idea I hadn’t even thought of. I appreciate your prayers!
 
I’m so sorry. That sounds like a lot to go through. A retreat is a good idea if you have the ability/finances etc… Also prayer and speaking to your priest. The sacraments will also help see you through this. I’ll pray for you too.
 
Thanks Bluebright. I think once things settle down a bit a retreat would be good, maybe this Fall.
 
Call your parish on Tuesday (in the US most will be closed Monday for MLK Day). Get an appointment with your pastor.
 
Thanks for all the recommendations. I will definitely be talking to my parish priest as soon as I can, hopefully early this week.

Ultimately my wife and I rushed into our marriage, barely knowing each other or what the other expected out of a spouse. Even early on, when things were pretty good, there were red flags for both of us. Just basic views on finances, on raising kids and their education, basically anything and everything we pretty quickly found out we disagree on to a great or lesser degree. That’s aside from all the crap we’ve put each other through emotionally. Its almost like if you went out and found a random stranger on the street and married them. Our families don’t get along (never have, from Day 1), our short and long-term goals are completely different. Honestly, if you name it we disagree on it. I can see by the way my in-laws’ marriage is that’s what she sees as “normal” (just like I view my own parents’ marriage as “normal”) but the views and expectations are polar opposites. Our kids are great but, again, we really don’t agree on almost anything as far as raising them, both in the day-to-day stuff and long-term. I know we both see our own parents’ marriages as “normal” but, honestly, my in-laws have an almost totally platonic relationship (I’ve literally never seen them touch each other in 8 years. Most of the time they aren’t even the same room, they have separate rooms where they watch TV). My parents go out and do stuff with each other, with friends, they do stuff alone, they have hobbies. All of which my wife thinks is more or less a waste of time.
 
Dear OP,
Marriage is hard, true, but believe me divorce is even harder. Been there, with 2 toddlers.
The children are the ones who will bear the brunt of the suffering. I will never forget watching my toddler son run after a stranger in the park who resembled his father, calling “Daddy, daddy!” The guy didn’t hear him and kept walking. It broke my heart,
My ex was abusive in every way. Otherwise I would have stuck with it for my sons’ sake.

I urge you to rethink your plan. Talk to your priest, sit down with your wife and talk to her, look for the good things you first saw in her. Perhaps you can learn to compromise on the issues you don’t agree on. What does it matter if her parents have a platonic marriage? Is that what she wants? I am sure you could work it out if you make a concerted attempt.

Believe me, any effort now would be worth avoiding the coming years of having your kids occasionally, having them introduced to various people you and she are dating, all the transportation issues.

More and more children of divorce, now grown, are coming out and saying how much it hurt them, how hard it was. They couldn’t say it before because they didn’t want to hurt their parents!

Please don’t do this to your kids if you can avoid it.
God bless.
 
Viki, I’m going to see if she’ll consider retrouvaille. We owe it to our kids, at the very least. Thank you for your words of warning/wisdom.
 
From everything I have ever heard; if you think your life is bad now, divorce is worse.
  1. having little kids is hard. I remind myself of this a lot. It is hard on any couple. Just have to grin and bear it. no running away or using chemicals to take away reality.
  2. you have to find a way to talk and spend time together. talk about something you both like, or do an activity you both enjoy or just get chores done around the house in a concerted manner.
  3. no more booze. it is tough for me too, and your desire to use it only goes up when you should drink less.
  4. you are going to have to think a lot about what you want and what she wants. be intentional. refuse to sign D papers, say you will sleep on the couch but not out of the house etc. just stonewall if you have to, but try to get along as much as possible. (sleep on the couch but make her breakfast).
  5. to a degree you are probably very angry with her. just let it go, forgive and forget. only think about going forward.
I’ve been there. still married. kids are hard. life is hard. It still is hard. sometimes just have to go through your daily routine and not dwell on your problems.
 
I think you definitely need to talk with your pastor. Perhaps give it some more thought and see what your wife would be willing to do with you as far as counseling, retreats, etc.

If not, then you might have to consider what is best for you and the children. If you plan to go through with the divorce, you will need to see about the possibility of having your marriage declared null. From what you have said, it appears that you entered into the Catholic marriage with your wife lying and not really committed to an ongoing relationship. This could be grounds for a declaration of nullity. See your priest. God Bless.
 
If it comes to it I’m fairly certain my marriage would be declared null in spite of how she handled the convalidation.
 
She was raised in mostly Baptist churches. We were married in the Baptist church we attended at the time. Her parents told her to “never marry a Catholic”, even though when we met and were married I was not even remotely Christian, let alone Catholic. Basically the whole family is pretty firmly anti-Catholic.
 
We’ve had some pretty serious issues and, in general, she’s a my way or the highway kind of person. We’ve basically never reached a compromise on anything in 8 years. There have been a few points where her stubbornness has potentially endangered my children. I spent most of last year totally sober, focusing on being a better husband and father. I had just come back into the Church and she was furious with me for it, despite the drastic improvements in my lifestyle and attitude. And even though she agreed to the convalidation she never supported me in my own spiritual journey, even less so when that journey led me back home to the Church.

Currently she doesn’t seem too interested in any counseling, retrouvaille or anything like that. Like other times I’ve tried to plan dates or get us out of the house she’s “too busy”.
 
We separated for a year and I’ve not forgotten how miserable that time was. I know marriage is hard work, I watched my parents fight alot growing up, do years of therapy and they’re still together today after 30 years. My parents knew each other, they had a good idea what they wanted out of life and those were the same things. My wife and I got married after 5 months, I was barely 21. Looking back I had no idea what I wanted out of life or a long-term partner. I had assumed most people were about the same; I’d never met someone I clashed with on almost every level. Not only did I meet someone, I married that person.
 
Just an update, my therapist urged me to include my wife in my next appointment. I am also working on nailing down a date/time to either meet one-on-one with my priest or with my wife (or both, separate meetings). She doesn’t seem very receptive to either, especially meeting with a priest. She mentioned she was planning on talking with her pastor and his wife this weekend possibly, and I said I felt we both should go- she also wasn’t happy with that idea. At this point I want to be sure we’ve done whatever we can to salvage our relationship and not tear apart our family. I just hope she doesn’t see it as such a lost cause that any meetings we do attend will be one-sided. I appreciate your continued prayers.
 
RKS89 said:
I had just come back into the Church and she was furious with me for it, despite the drastic improvements in my lifestyle and attitude.
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I think it’s actually very natural to have a lot of anger toward a spouse who used to do bad things. Just because you stopped, doesn’t mean that all those memories have suddenly disappeared.

In fact, it might feel safer to be mad at you know, if you’ve stopped drinking.
 
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