Beginning a relationship

[musicman508]

First off I am new here so if this is in the wrong place I am sorry.

I’m a freshman in college and don’t have any real experience with dating as I went to an all guys high school. There is this girl that I see at daily mass all the time. I was wondering what would be the best way to initiate a friendship or more with her? Would it be appropriate to introduce myself after mass sometime and ask if she wants to get lunch sometime to get to know each other?
Any response would be appreciated. Thank you.

 

[on_the_hill]

Introduce yourself? Yes.

Start a conversation? Yes.

Ask to lunch? Hmmm…maybe not when you meet her for the first time.

 

[dshix]

Introduce yourself? Yes.

Start a conversation? Yes.

Ask to lunch? Hmmm…maybe not when you meet her for the first time.

+1

You are in college; you have a few years to build a friendship over time, so don’t rush it. Just be casual, be nice, show integrity, and relax. If after you have talked to her a number of times and know her fairly well, you want to pursue the relationship a bit more, then ask her out to lunch or something, but don’t move too fast unnecessarily.

 

[underacloud]

“Beginning a relationship” seems like a very presumptuous title to a thread about a girl you haven’t even met yet.

Yes, say hi and introduce yourself. Try to stay relaxed and casual.

No, don’t ask her to lunch out of the blue. You need to have at least one or two decent conversations, preferably more, with her before you should ask her to lunch or whatever.

 

[Xantippe]

First off I am new here so if this is in the wrong place I am sorry.

I’m a freshman in college and don’t have any real experience with dating as I went to an all guys high school. There is this girl that I see at daily mass all the time. I was wondering what would be the best way to initiate a friendship or more with her? Would it be appropriate to introduce myself after mass sometime and ask if she wants to get lunch sometime to get to know each other?
Any response would be appreciated. Thank you.

“Some friends and I usually get lunch together at XYZ dining hall after Mass. Wanna come?”

And then have the friends (ideally of both sexes) ready to go. Perhaps Fr. would like to go for lunch? (I’m assuming this is a college chaplaincy with everything very close.)

This doesn’t count as a date-date, by the way, but it’s not that creepy to ask that way and a no doesn’t mean she’s not ever interested in making your acquaintance.

Bear in mind that people tend to squeeze the daily Mass in between other obligations.

 

[friardchips]

“Beginning a relationship” seems like a very presumptuous title to a thread about a girl you haven’t even met yet.

Yes, say hi and introduce yourself. Try to stay relaxed and casual.

No, don’t ask her to lunch out of the blue. You need to have at least one or two decent conversations, preferably more, with her before you should ask her to lunch or whatever.

Agreed. If she gives you her number, eventually, then one can invite her to “coffee”! “Coffee” sounds less heavy than “lunch”, “lunch” shouts “DATE!”. One can say: “Do you fancy grabbing a coffee?” You can always ask if she is hungry, when there, enthusiastically. In fact, many women probably wouldn’t want to eat on a first date in case they get mayonnaise dripping from their mouths or a crumb or two on their lips. But to begin with, see if she is a warm person by saying “hi…etc…”. You never know, if you are both walking towards a canteen anyway, a “coffee” might appear as the obvious next move. Then you’ll have plenty of time to see if you get on at all.

Try not to slurp your coffee though.

 

[friardchips]

…and don’t pick your nose or teeth, or bite your fingers (makes one look too nervous) and make sure you have polished shoes - women look at the shoes.

Hope it goes well!

 

[robwar]

First off I am new here so if this is in the wrong place I am sorry.

I’m a freshman in college and don’t have any real experience with dating as I went to an all guys high school. There is this girl that I see at daily mass all the time. I was wondering what would be the best way to initiate a friendship or more with her? Would it be appropriate to introduce myself after mass sometime and ask if she wants to get lunch sometime to get to know each other?
Any response would be appreciated. Thank you.

Go up to her, say “hi, I’ve seen you at Mass here, I was wondering if you would like to go over to the nearest coffee/cafe and have a cup of coffee or tea (etc) with me and chat?”
It is as simple as that. Don’t let your feelings of lack of experience with dating bother you. relax and just enjoy being a friend.

 

[Catholic1954]

First off I am new here so if this is in the wrong place I am sorry.

I’m a freshman in college and don’t have any real experience with dating as I went to an all guys high school. There is this girl that I see at daily mass all the time. I was wondering what would be the best way to initiate a friendship or more with her? Would it be appropriate to introduce myself after mass sometime and ask if she wants to get lunch sometime to get to know each other?
Any response would be appreciated. Thank you.

Lunch is a little much, ask to walk her back to her car or next class.

 

[Xantippe]

Lunch is a little much, ask to walk her back to her car or next class.

Back to the car or next class is potentially a little creepy.

 

[StSentry83]

Back to the car or next class is potentially a little creepy.

You know, anything can be potentially creepy. Like that list of things that you (I believe it was you) posted in another thread with warning signs that you are about to be attacked. A lot of them are just basic human interactions and I doubt they’re considered threatening by the typical woman under the proper circumstances. Of course, you could always be encountering a woman who has been the victim of serious abuse in which case naturally you’re going to encounter more caution, but I don’t think that means you go around treating everyone you meet as if they’re PTSD personified. You just have to dedicate a little effort to picking up on cues and body language.

The only people that don’t seem to get this are creeps and those with certain conditions like autism, so I’m skeptical of our ability to influence these behaviors one way or another.

But since it’s a good cause: asking a girl that you don’t know if you can walk her to her next class when it’s daylight out and others are close nearby is wildly different than doing it at night or when she’s alone. Wildly.

 

[Hobbes42]

Run, fast the other way! Flee you fools! It’s a trap!

 

[Xantippe]

You know, anything can be potentially creepy. Like that list of things that you (I believe it was you) posted in another thread with warning signs that you are about to be attacked. A lot of them are just basic human interactions and I doubt they’re considered threatening by the typical woman under the proper circumstances. Of course, you could always be encountering a woman who has been the victim of serious abuse in which case naturally you’re going to encounter more caution, but I don’t think that means you go around treating everyone you meet as if they’re PTSD personified. You just have to dedicate a little effort to picking up on cues and body language.

**Yeah.

I guess context is really important. “Can I walk you back to your car?” might be very creepy as the first thing you hear from a stranger (particularly after dark), but “Which way are you going? Can I walk with you?” might be just fine if you’ve actually had a conversation with the person and it’s going really well.**

The only people that don’t seem to get this are creeps and those with certain conditions like autism, so I’m skeptical of our ability to influence these behaviors one way or another.

**1. Lots of people are on the autism spectrum, including (I suspect) plenty of CAF posters. (I have an autistic child and have a number of autistic features myself.)

1. You totally can teach social skills to verbal autistic children and adults, particularly if they are motivated to do better. **

But since it’s a good cause: asking a girl that you don’t know if you can walk her to her next class when it’s daylight out and others are close nearby is wildly different than doing it at night or when she’s alone. Wildly.

But she doesn’t know anything about you. You raise your chances of success hugely by having just a little conversation with her before springing that on her.

 

[friardchips]

The only people that don’t seem to get this are creeps and those with certain conditions like autism, so I’m skeptical of our ability to influence these behaviors one way or another.

How judgemental can people be: so people with autism and certain conditions, “are creeps”?

But since it’s a good cause: asking a girl that you don’t know if you can walk her to her next class when it’s daylight out and others are close nearby is wildly different than doing it at night or when she’s alone. Wildly.

You go to classes at night?!! What, life drawing?

 

[Irishmom2]

Sit near enough that you can smile at her one day. Repeat. Repeat. After she sees you and acknowledges you with a smile back, it won’t seem weird if you walk out of mass near each other and you say hello, how are you? If she wants to talk, you will have given her the opening. Please do not ask her to lunch yet. You need to talk more than just saying hello or the eating together part has potential for serious awkwardness. Once you have spoken a couple of times, if mass is in the morning, you could say I am going to grab something to eat, have you eaten yet?

 

[Xantippe]

How judgemental can people be: so people with autism and certain conditions, “are creeps”?

**StSentry83 did mention autistic people separately from creeps, but yeah, it’s not great to roll those two into the same category.
**
You go to classes at night?!! What, life drawing?

There are evening classes. I had a bunch of them myself as an undergraduate, but that was mostly because in that subject, the professors often had day jobs and were teaching just in the evening.

But it sounds like our OP is talking about a noon Mass, hence the mention of lunch.

 

[friardchips]

StSentry83 did mention autistic people separately from creeps, but yeah, it’s not great to roll those two into the same category.

No, actually, they were bunched together into the same sentence putting them on an equal footing. This is called grammar and fairly basic at that, so yes, you are right, it is best not to roll these into the same category.

Wild!

 

[friardchips]

There are evening classes. I had a bunch of them myself as an undergraduate, but that was mostly because in that subject, the professors often had day jobs and were teaching just in the evening.

But it sounds like our OP is talking about a noon Mass, hence the mention of lunch.

Although, probably not intended to be read like that, admittedly.

The OP has got quite a lot of advice now. Going to have to write these ideas on his arm.

 

[StSentry83]

How judgemental can people be: so people with autism and certain conditions, “are creeps”?

No.

Many (not all) have problems understanding body language and subtle social cues. Consequently, they can behave in ways that strangers would find discomforting. For example, they might not comprehend the desire for personal space or they might interpret a figure of speech literally or they might say something rude without recognizing that it is rude.

This does not make an autistic person a creep, it just means that in certain circumstances, a stranger may be unable to tell the difference between that person and a creep. When it comes to personal safety, many will not be willing to give them the benefit of the doubt, and perhaps rightfully so.

The difference between the two is that the creep knows when he is frightening others and simply doesn’t care, whereas someone with autism might be doing very similar things but he just isn’t aware that they’re problematic. My point in listing the two was merely to suggest that no single dialogue on the internet is going to keep either from behaving in the ways that they do.

You go to classes at night?!! What, life drawing?

I have in the past, sure. I don’t think that night classes are all that unusual here in the States. Perhaps less common, but not unusual by any stretch.

No, actually, they were bunched together into the same sentence putting them on an equal footing. This is called grammar and fairly basic at that, so yes, you are right, it is best not to roll these into the same category.

Yes and no. If I wanted to say that the two were the *exact *same thing, I might have said: “creeps (e.g. people with autism).” I didn’t.

Xantippe:

Yeah.

I guess context is really important. “Can I walk you back to your car?” might be very creepy as the first thing you hear from a stranger (particularly after dark), but “Which way are you going? Can I walk with you?” might be just fine if you’ve actually had a conversation with the person and it’s going really well.

I apologize for not being clear. I certainly didn’t mean to suggest that a man should walk up to a woman and attach himself to her hip in such a way. I wouldn’t say anything of the kind without there being a pleasant exchange of some kind beforehand.

1. Lots of people are on the autism spectrum, including (I suspect) plenty of CAF posters. (I have an autistic child and have a number of autistic features myself.)

1. You totally can teach social skills to verbal autistic children and adults, particularly if they are motivated to do better.

Of course you can, with varying degrees of success. I just doubt that you can accomplish that in one conversation over the internet.

But she doesn’t know anything about you. You raise your chances of success hugely by having just a little conversation with her before springing that on her.

Definitely. Asking a question like that is not the same as saying hello. You should be looking for a cue first and if it’s not there, you probably shouldn’t be asking it.

I really hope that most of the guys out there already get this.

 

[friardchips]

No.

Many (not all) have problems understanding body language and subtle social cues. Consequently, they can behave in ways that strangers would find discomforting. For example, they might not comprehend the desire for personal space or they might interpret a figure of speech literally or they might say something rude without recognizing that it is rude.

This does not make an autistic person a creep, it just means that in certain circumstances, a stranger may be unable to tell the difference between that person and a creep. When it comes to personal safety, many will not be willing to give them the benefit of the doubt, and perhaps rightfully so.

The difference between the two is that the creep knows when he is frightening others and simply doesn’t care, whereas someone with autism might be doing very similar things but he just isn’t aware that they’re problematic. My point in listing the two was merely to suggest that no single dialogue on the internet is going to keep either from behaving in the ways that they do.

I have in the past, sure. I don’t think that night classes are all that unusual here in the States. Perhaps less common, but not unusual by any stretch.

Yes and no. If I wanted to say that the two were the *exact *same thing, I might have said: “creeps (e.g. people with autism).” I didn’t.

I apologize for not being clear. I certainly didn’t mean to suggest that a man should walk up to a woman and attach himself to her hip in such a way. I wouldn’t say anything of the kind without there being a pleasant exchange of some kind beforehand.

Of course you can, with varying degrees of success. I just doubt that you can accomplish that in one conversation over the internet.

Definitely. Asking a question like that is not the same as saying hello. You should be looking for a cue first and if it’s not there, you probably shouldn’t be asking it.

I really hope that most of the guys out there already get this.

Thanks for the response.

Mind you, that said, there are plenty of films, black and white ones for example, where people are immediately attracted to each other, almost instantly, and I think this is true to life too in some cases. We are talking about a romantic kind of thing - love at first sight sort of scenario - but as we get older we realise that this is actually a no no. Not that it is wrong to feel an attraction but to present oneself to another in such a way that denotes strong attraction and a very forward approach would nowadays signal “danger” a lot more than maybe ten or twenty years ago. I think today’s way is better but this is because of more safety precautions. I think it is important for a man, I agree, to be sensitive to this as women have been pretty badly treated over the years in certain popular cultures and taken advantage of to the point where now there are radical feminist groups who sometimes go overboard though this is not unexpected and simply a reaction to past times, and the need for women to take greater care is more widespread knowledge and the accepted norm.

I don’t know whether people on blogs necessarily all suffer from autism, it might just be, that some are home-bound, some have time on their hands needing to be filled in. Not sure there is any pattern there or anything: CAF = AUTISM!!