Being a better mom

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Liztmich

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I have great impatience toward the kids and always yelling, angry, and agrivated… any suggestions? My first time posting so if you need any more info please ask. Thank you! 🙂
 
I can recommend parenting books by Dr Ray Guarendi, and also books by Mary Ann Budnick.
 
I think you posted your password under the religion heading in your personal information :grinning_face_with_smiling_eyes:

Welcome to the forums!
 
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Anything you can think of that causes a state change when you get frustrated. Put on some music and have a dance party, have them go play in the back yard, go to the park, have one of them hug you. I’m struggling with this too.
 
1ke said:
I can recommend parenting books by Dr Ray Guarendi, and also books by Mary Ann Budnick.
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I second the Dr. Ray. Dr. Ray is helping me feel less helpless by helping me see some ways I self sabotage in parenting.
 
Maybe get some books on child development. If you realize what things are normal for each age, it becomes easier to deal with. Just for example, if you see the “terrible twos” as defiant behavior, it’s frustrating. But if you see it as just a child learning to be more independent, it can be fun to observe.

Yelling and anger are not helpful methods of managing children, I’ve found. I’m prone to these too, but they don’t work. I’m trying to deal with them as if I’m teaching social behaviors, and it works better to explain things calmly.
Also I’ve found Supernanny videos helpful.
 
  1. Faking it helps; that is, in the moment, pretend you are the sort of calm parent you want to be, and act like that parent.
  2. Practice makes progress. Every time you don’t lose your temper, you’ll get better at it.
  3. Changes of scenery are good. If you can get kids outside, great; otherwise, see if you can get them occupied elsewhere.
  4. Take care of your children’s and your physical needs. Hunger and tiredness contribute to grumpiness.
  5. If you find yourself becoming irritated, if you can safely remove yourself from the scene for a few minutes and take a drink of water or something you have a chance to get a grip on yourself.
  6. Apologize when you do lose your temper–even if your kids were doing something wrong. Let them see that you don’t think yelling is okay.
  7. Your kids’ behavior is greatly influenced by your mood, especially if they’re small. Try to treat them with courtesy. Make positive requests–instead of “Stop running in the hall,” “Could you please walk rather than run? Thanks.”
  8. Make sure you’re giving them some quality time. Kids’ behavior deteriorates if they feel they’re being ignored.
Hope this helps! I think we could all use improvement in this area, except my SIL.
 
Is there a particular time of day or task that you are trying to complete that you notice makes it really hard for you to be patient with your children? I find that I get really frustrated during phone calls. Mostly because I hate having to make phone calls in the first place, but also because my kids tend to act up when I’m on the phone because they don’t like not having my full attention. With my husband, it’s usually when he’s driving. He has no patience with the kids when he’s driving and they are being too loud or distracting. He has threatened to do all sorts of ridiculous things, like take away their shoes, make them live with their grandma, and chop off their hands. Obviously, these are not his best parenting moments. If you are aware of the kind of situations that tend to bring out your impatient side, you can be proactive by making sure the kids are thoroughly situated ahead of time and that you have been very clear what the consequences will be if they act out while you are doing whatever it is you need to do. Also, just being aware that your own patience is lacking during those times can be helpful in letting you breathe and handle the situation calmly. On a related note, if you find that these frustrating sessions frequently occur when you are using a screen, you might want to consider changing your screen schedule, if possible. Young kids especially seem to hate it when they lose their parents’ attention for long periods and will engage in negative attention-seeking behavior to get it back.
 
Thank you for your response! I find it really agrivating when all 3 of them need my attention at one time, (when all of them are whining and crying at the same time when I’m trying to get anything done.) I also think I put alot of pressure on myself to try to do the right thing with them, while also trying to keep a house. I wanted to do what st.therese did and stop what I’m doing to take care of everyone but then I feel angry about it…
 
My father was very short tempered and yelled a lot at us. I pictured how I felt when he was yelling when my son’s acted up. I didn’t want them to have the same bad feelings.
 
Other posters have recommended Dr. Ray from Catholic radio. I don’t agree with everything he says, but he does seem to have a good approach to dealing with whining without losing your own cool. Whining is a pet peeve of mine as well and as my oldest is getting older and spending time at preschool, I’m starting to see more of it at home. I don’t know if she has found it effective at school, but it does seem to be what all the other kids are doing for attention. It annoys the very snot out of me. But I really think the only way to effectively curtail it is to keep my calm and insist that I’ll be happy to deal with her when she is ready to ask for help when she needs it in a reasonable way.
 
I would try to identify “troublespots” in the day and nip them in the bud before they start. For example if the children are tired and cranky after school while you are trying to get supper together, then getting everything prepped as far as possible before they come home would be a good idea.

Maybe set aside half an hour to all sit down together for a post school chat and snack so they feel they have had your full attention.

And be organised. There is nothing more tiring than feeling you are constantly trying to catch up.

I had the care of my two little grand daughters for several days a while back and had to get them off to school each day.

They both have very long hair that requires endless brushing, so I made sure it was neatly plaited before bed, which saved a lot of tangles the next day.

All hairstyles for school were to be agreed on before bed, which saved endless angst and dithering in the morning, and all uniform including shoes was to be laid out ready to put on - we can all do without that panicked shoe hunt in the morning.

Packed lunches were made the night before too, and breakfasts ordered - another source of endless indecision.

This all worked so well, and so calmly, that we found we had a spare half hour before school time each day, and managed to have some games of cards …
 
Here’s what I’ve picked up from Dr. Ray so far(which isn’t much as I have so little time to read, which kills me but it’s only for a season right?):
  1. Dont ask them to tell you why they did something. They don’t know why or their answers may really frustrate you further.
  2. Do not repeat yourself. Use enforceable If then statements about consequences and then follow through immediately. This prevents prolongued reminding and threatening which only frustrates you.
  3. Use please and thank you when making your if then statements. This models good manners and the courtesy helps keep you calm.
  4. Don’t shout from far away/another room. Your message will be less heard and you’ve got yourself yelling already. Stop what you’re doing and go right to them if you need to tell them something.
These things all seem like common sense, but when you’re in the the thick of it, they aren’t. I was falling into so many of these traps. If the thread is still open, I’ll drop more in here when I’ve read more.
 
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Liztmich said:
I have great impatience toward the kids and always yelling, angry, and agrivated… any suggestions? My first time posting so if you need any more info please ask. Thank you! 🙂
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Welcome to CAF Liztmich!

There could be a lot of factors to explore, but a good start is always forgiveness. Most of our aggravation in life is based on having unrealistic expectations of others. We are not getting our needs met and we get frustrated with others for not helping or meeting our standards somehow. Readjusting expectations so that they are consistent with reality makes it easier to accept things the way they are.

I find the Serenity Prayer helpful.

O God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time. Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace. Taking, as he did, the sinful world as it is, not as I would have it. Trusting that he will make all things right if I surrender to His will; that I may be reasonably happy in this life, and supremely happy with Him forever. ~ Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971)
 
Liztmich said:
Thank you for your response! I find it really agrivating when all 3 of them need my attention at one time, (when all of them are whining and crying at the same time when I’m trying to get anything done.)
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Recognize that this is a perfectly normal and healthy human response to being overwhelmed. You are unable to perfectly meet all their needs all the time. You are only human.

Sometimes you can enlist them in helping to meet your needs, or each other’s. Children have a natural desire to help and will feel important if they are successful.

You can stop and everyone hold hands and pray together, and teach them to lead the prayers.
Liztmich said:
I also think I put alot of pressure on myself to try to do the right thing with them, while also trying to keep a house.
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While noble, it is not very practical. They are the most important focus for y our attention, and if the quality of the house slips, so be it. Eventually they can all be enlisted to help keep ut the house. They should, as much as they are able, depending on their age. It helps give them an investment in where they live and teaches independence.
Liztmich said:
I wanted to do what st.therese did and stop what I’m doing to take care of everyone but then I feel angry about it…
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The expectation that you should be able to do it all might be your worst enemy. Some things are more important than others, and thus, the lower priority may fall off the table. The children need to learn coping skills too, and how to manage their emotions. Kids learn this from watching those around them, so if you are dysregulated, you are giving them a model that might result in making it more difficult for you. Do first what makes for peace and cooperation for all.
 
Thank you everyone for all these wonderful suggestions! Every single one of these posts I’m going to pray over and ask for God’s help.
There is also one more issue that makes my blood boil and makes me very angry and yelling. When the kids don’t listen to me and say No… esp. My 6 year old with the attitude toward me and my husband. When she can’t get her way she can make all our lives unbearable. Very bratty at times. She’s only 6 and I cant imagine later in life! I’m definetly going to look into the books that were suggested.
 
The only point I might argue is the second one. I think it’s important to make sure that the kid actually understood what you asked them to do. I have found myself feeling very silly after realizing that my kid wasn’t actually being defiant, but was confused about what I was telling her to do or not do. I think it’s a reasonable practice to restate directions once. After that though, proceed with the consequences.
 
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