Being a Friend

  • Thread starter Thread starter Cinders74
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
C

Cinders74

Guest
I’m not sure if this falls under ‘Family Life’ or not. I’m rather new Catholic Answers Forum. I’ve recently returned to the Catholic Church after a long absence and am unbelieveable grateful to the opening of my heart through God’s grace. The truths that I am learning each day especially through reading and researching the roots of our faith have been amazing. It’s like I can’t get enough. Right now, one of my closest and most dear best friends is going through a very difficult time. Like me she too is a ‘cradle Catholic’. 3 almost 4 years ago she began a relationship with another man outside her Catholic marriage. She moved out of her house(not with him but in her own apartment) & continues to this day still carry on this emotional and somewhat physical relationship. She is just now in the process of a legal divorce from her husband but that isn’t officially complete yet(let alone an annullment). I’ve been there for her over the past few years listening to her, being there for her not really saying much but just listening & trying to comfort her. However, with my recent return to our church and the truths I’ve been learning about our faith and our church’s teachings I’ve felt completed to start sharing a few of my opinions/truths with her. Not in a lecturing type way but just sharing with her my passion for God. It has not been received well. I too have had my share of sins in my past and recently have gone to confession so I shared that experience with her. I cannot tell you what a wonderful experience that was & how even more open my heart is to God’s presence now. Words cannot describe. However, my friend has since pulled even further away from me telling me that I’m now “all about being Catholic and about God.” With each conversation we’ve had over the past few weeks, she is moving further and further away and shutting me out completely. All I’ve wanted to do was to help her see God’s love and I’ve done just the opposite. I’m continuing to pray for her each and every day but my heart is breaking over her brokeness and the fact that our friendship is fading. I don’t know if I should continue to speak truth of God’s healing power to her or if I should just zip it. She thinks I’m judging her which I don’t think I am but I do believe that the truth is the truth. Please, if anyone has any advice for me I would greately appreciate it. I’m so flooded with emotions over the wonderfulness of God & the church back into my life but also am feeling the weight of such heartache over this dear dear friendship of mine fading away. I wasn’t prepared at all for this response from her or what is happening to our friendship. 😦 thank you.
 
The most important thing is to keep on your faith journey. Keep praying. Keep partaking of the sacraments. Keep reading and reflecting on Scripture and the teachings of the Catholic faith. Be transformed by the love of the Lord. Be a person of joy.

I don’t know exactly what I would do in your situation. Perhaps you can be silent for a time (though I wouldn’t advocate doing that indefinitely – it’s part of who you are and so it should naturally come out in a true friendship). Maybe she just needs time to get used to the idea of the changes you are experiencing through conversion. So you can be attentive to not hitting her over the head with it everytime you speak. But don’t put your light under a bushel basket, either.
 
When i was in college, a good friend of mine (I’ll call him “R”)- kind of became enlightened all at once. He wasn’t Catholic - in fact, he was Lutheran - but that doesn’t really matter - he became - “a born again Christian” . And he was so excited that he had to share his enthusiasm with everyone around him.

Well, “R” was a good guy - and he had a lot of friends. But I started noticing that almost everyone started hiding around corners whenever “R” was heading in our direction.

I was the kind of person - who enjoyed talking to anyone about anything - including religion - and it didn’t matter to me whether we shared the same point of view. As long as the discussion was open and honest, I enjoyed the give and take. I liked challenging my own point of view as well. So, I kept a dialog both with “R”, and with everyone else.

And others started talking to me about why it was so uncomfortable. It made them feel guilty about their own lives - even though “R” never lectured them or judged them. And “R” got to the point that he turned every conversation to Jesus. If you said - “Wow, our team had a great comeback in the football game yesterday.” He would reply something like “Yes, but in the scope of life, we must remember how little it matters compared to our eternal souls” (or something along those lines). Every conversation - not matter what - was turned into a discussion about religion.

Well, that wasn’t exactly what most secular 19 year olds at the college I went to were really in to. I tried to tone “R” down a bit, but he couldn’t see what i was saying.

I even would go with him occasionally to his Campus Crusade events (as i say, i was very open minded in those days). I enjoyed friends - and I figured that by keeping in peoples’ lives, i have more influence than I would have without being in their lives. (And he probably thought the same about me). I never had any intention of converting - nor did he.

So, i would say the same to you. If you want to remain a presence in your friend’s life - don’t wear your spirituality on your sleeve. She already knows where you are coming from - don’t hide that. But just by being so enthusiastic, you may be making her feel guilty by comparison. (and if you are totally cut off from her, then you don’t have a chance to have her ask why you are so happy and well-balanced).

Not every conversation has to revolve around the meaning of life. A time may come when she does want to have that conversation - and you will be there for her when it does.
 
Thank you to all of your for your insight today. You may have hit the nail on the head when it comes to my friend feeling guilty. I’m a 39 year old, working mother of 3. My own marriage struggles over the past couple years was kind of the catalyst so to speak of my return to the Catholic church recently. Long story that I won’t go into other than to say I’ve been in need of some healing. My dear friend and I have been going through these struggles together in a way. When my heart was opened up a couple months ago to God’s love & the truths of our church’s teachings, etc. I have felt and still feel very “awakened”. It’s very hard to explain but it’s very overwhelming. I am a little fearful that this “honeymoon” period will end and so I’ve been overly careful not to speak too much of this to anyone so as to not come off sounding like a crazed, born again whatever. I’ve been researching Catholic websites & books on faith/church history, listening to Catholic radio, etc. but haven’t necessarily been shouting it from the rooftops. It’s very strange this whole journey that has started within me. I’ve been careful not to turn every conversation into a mini-catechism so as not to “freak out” my family or scare away my friends. So far none of them are scattering or hiding when they see me. In the case of my dear friend, it may be true that she felt this closeness to me because we had the commonality of a troublesome marriage and she may think that with my new heart of joy that we’re not “the same” anymore or that I’ve raced ahead of her and left her behind. Certainly that has not been what I’ve wanted to portray to her. I’ve only wanted to share with her God’s unconditional love for both of us. Not to be overly psychological but but I see now that maybe she could be thinking these things. Laughter is what we do best and so tonight I hope to take a differnet approach to our conversation & return back to doing some laughing over some stupid things & chill out our conversations for awhile. I know in time (His time, His way) things evolve the way they need to as hurtful or painful as that may be. I will continue to pray for her & continue to love her. That’s all I can do & that’s all I think I’m meant to do right now. Thank you all for your encouragement & prayers. :blessyou:
 
You sound like a great friend. I hope she realizes that. Good Luck tonight.
 
You know, it doesn’t matter what it is. . . if you go to confession and mention it to barely practicing Catholics, it makes them very uncomfortable indeed!

I think it makes sense to go about once a month.
 
Well i would like to meet ’ R’; he sounds fantastic: where is he?

I think in a way you have to understand a kind of inevitability here with your friend. Imagine if you were alive in Our Lord’s time & He cured you of some illness you had: it was a miracle. You became besotted with Him naturally & went around praising God. Thenimagine you met your friend, who has had no encounter of Jesus or even heard very much about Him. She most likely hearing your story will wonder what you are taking & where has her friend disappeared to. She will not understand naturally about Jesus, in the same way you would not have understood either before you met Him, & He cured you. It is true, that blessed are those who have not seen & yet still believe, but this is not the case for everyone. Your experience might cause a division, but how can you possibly keep quiet about about Jesus?
 
Joy2day said:
Well i would like to meet ’ R’; he sounds fantastic: where is he?
Click to expand...
I was curious whatever happened to “R”. So I did a google search on his name. (I’ts been 30 some years since I first met him in my sophomore year in college). Well his name is unusual enough - and there is a mention of his high school - so I have found where he is.

After college - he became a missionary. Among other places - i think he ended up a rural part of India somewhere. Last I had actually heard about him was probably 25 years ago - he had been arrested in India because of some kind of unusual traffic accident (I think hitting a cow or something- but i don’t remember the details).

Anyway, because of your question - i found that he has a facebook page - and he is in Ireland. I’m not a very active member of facebook - but I may have to make a friend request and catch up.
 
Well folks, this friendship has suddenly taken a different turn. We had a wondeful, easy going conversation the other night which seemed great. Then last night I get this call from her about her latest revelation. Has anyone ever heard of “The American National Catholic Church”? I have never but my friend thinks that this is now the ‘church’ she wants to belong to a lot in part of this friend whom she has been carrying on this relationship with outside her marriage. She wants me to consider this new church as something for me knowing my personal struggles as well. I didn’t want to discourage her from talking to me about anything religious or spiritual so I listened intently to her arguement for why this ‘church’ is for her and why it makes so much sense, etc, etc. She said her and her ‘friend’ believe this is the place for them. These struggles of my past have alwasy been a huge stumbling block as to whether there is a place for me back in the church & she knows that my recent return to our Roman Catholic Church has been not an easy decision for me. I don’t know if she thinks I’d be easily swayed to this “American Catholic Church” knowing how unsure I was of returning to Catholism at all. I’m not sure. I just know that my heart hurts just thinking about all this. I feel our friendship being tested. I feel our connection we used to share disappearing. As I listened to her I tried very carefully throughout the entire conversation not to challenge her in anyway (not yet anyways because obviously she was trusting me) but towards the end I let slip “so…you think these guys have it all figured out? Somehow I don’t buy that”. Whoops. She replied “I thought if anyone you’d understand.” Suddenly a saddness and an angerness filled her voice and she said that she doesn’t feel she knows me anymore. WHAT??? SERIOUSLY??? She doesn’t know ME??? Really? How about the other way around. BUT, again I kept my cool and the only thing I could think of saying was this. I said “I love you B and that is never going to change whether you start to worship pencils or run off to Timbuktu with him. I want to revisit this conversation with you again but tonight I just can’t.” And with that she said “whatever” and we hung up. I really thought I conveyed to her my love and didn’t expect the “whatever” response. Continued prayers please that God will change her heart & that He’ll help mine, too. Thank you. :confused:
 
Cinders74 said:
Well folks, this friendship has suddenly taken a different turn. We had a wondeful, easy going conversation the other night which seemed great. Then last night I get this call from her about her latest revelation. Has anyone ever heard of “The American National Catholic Church”? I have never but my friend thinks that this is now the ‘church’ she wants to belong to a lot in part of this friend whom she has been carrying on this relationship with outside her marriage. She wants me to consider this new church as something for me knowing my personal struggles as well. I didn’t want to discourage her from talking to me about anything religious or spiritual so I listened intently to her arguement for why this ‘church’ is for her and why it makes so much sense, etc, etc. She said her and her ‘friend’ believe this is the place for them. These struggles of my past have alwasy been a huge stumbling block as to whether there is a place for me back in the church & she knows that my recent return to our Roman Catholic Church has been not an easy decision for me. I don’t know if she thinks I’d be easily swayed to this “American Catholic Church” knowing how unsure I was of returning to Catholism at all. I’m not sure. I just know that my heart hurts just thinking about all this. I feel our friendship being tested. I feel our connection we used to share disappearing. As I listened to her I tried very carefully throughout the entire conversation not to challenge her in anyway (not yet anyways because obviously she was trusting me) but towards the end I let slip “so…you think these guys have it all figured out? Somehow I don’t buy that”. Whoops. She replied “I thought if anyone you’d understand.” Suddenly a saddness and an angerness filled her voice and she said that she doesn’t feel she knows me anymore. WHAT??? SERIOUSLY??? She doesn’t know ME??? Really? How about the other way around. BUT, again I kept my cool and the only thing I could think of saying was this. I said “I love you B and that is never going to change whether you start to worship pencils or run off to Timbuktu with him. I want to revisit this conversation with you again but tonight I just can’t.” And with that she said “whatever” and we hung up. I really thought I conveyed to her my love and didn’t expect the “whatever” response. Continued prayers please that God will change her heart & that He’ll help mine, too. Thank you. :confused:
Click to expand...
Give her time. It seems she was expecting you to view all this positively and so it was unexpected to her that you did not embrace it and say “That sounds great! Sign me up, too!” Realistic or not, if those were her expectations, I can understand her feeling a bit deflated in the moment and having a “whatever” response.

I know that many people who don’t really grasp what the Catholic Church is will see groups like this (“Hey, they even have the word ‘Catholic’ in their name!”) as being “close enough.” Such groups allow people to feel like they are maintaining their Catholic identity (which is important to them) without making any demands on them to change their behavior.

Keep praying. Pray for the Holy Spirit to guide you in your conversations with her in order to speak the truth with charity and say only that which He wants you to say. It’s tricky to find the balance. You don’t want to say nothing. You want to explain things so that she doesn’t just assume you are a judgmental killjoy. But then you don’t want to explain things in such a way that you come across as a judgmental killjoy. :o
 
Thank you so much. Being a killjoy is certainly not what I’m going for here :). I will continue to pray for the Holy Spirit to help guide my words during our conversations.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top