Being a Good DIL/Grandma Jealousy

[BlueEyedLadies]

Hi all!

I’ve been a mom for all of about 6 months and I’m having an issue with my MIL. She is a wonderful woman, mom, MIL, and Grandma. We speak to her and see her often. However, we aren’t as close to my husband’s family as we are to mine and we never have been. Add to that most communication falls on me because like in many families, he doesn’t really bother with a social life outside of seeing a few friends from college every week.

My MIL wants more baby time, and she wants it unsupervised. This sends me into an inexplicable panic. I’ve left my daughter alone with her before, and it went well enough, but I was so worried the whole time. Furthermore, it kind of ended in conflict because she explicitly used something I asked her not to on the baby. No, it wasn’t objectively a big deal, but being undermined really upset me, especially since we were only 3 months into being parents and it wasn’t the first, or last time she disregarded what I said about taking care of my daughter. There have been a few other issues of just butting in, criticising my parenting to me and others, and publicly arguing with/chastising me about baby care. But truly, these are all just human conflicts to be expected as families grow and change and I’m trying to be patient.

But then there’s my mom: she’s a natural with my daughter, and it’s almost magical they way they take to each other. My mom makes her laugh and soothes her to sleep like no one else. She’s been our biggest support in all of these life changes. She’s very careful not to undermine, and on the all of two occasions she’s offered unsolicited advice, she’s done so gently, privately, and without expecting to be immediately bowed to because she’s “more experienced.” My baby has made my husband and I even closer to my family than we were before. I was very close to my grandma, and I can already see a very similar, special relationship between my mom and daughter.

We don’t discuss my family with my MIL out of respect. However, extended family will see pictures on Facebook and tell her that we traveled for a few days, or that my mom stayed with us for a week. We had to fly across the country a few weeks ago to start the housing process for our move later in the year. We planned a layover close to my mom, and left the baby with her for a few nights. Again, we didn’t mention it, but MIL asked directly what our childcare plans were, so we told her and she was visibly upset. Finally, she called last night wanting to come down for a weekend later in the month. We told her my mom would be staying with us during that time, but if it worked best for her, we would be happy to have them both.

Then a meltdown. It wasn’t even about getting more baby time, it was about getting more baby time relative to what my mom gets, which has been a growing fixation of hers for some time now. I totally understand her frustration, but I just had a baby and my mom is my mom. I can give her more time and access, but unsupervised and to the extent as my mom? Probably not. I trust her more, not only because she raised me, but because she’s been so careful, respectful and supportive of both my husband and me.

 

[BlueEyedLadies]

Part 2 of 2:

Nothing my MIL has done justifies a reduced relationship; not even close. And I definitely want my daughter to be close to both sides of her family. But, how obligated am I really to bend over backwards to give them “equal” time? And if I am obligated, does that obligation really start with overnight visits under a year? I have such a primal, instinctual panic at the idea of leaving her like that before she’s old enough to speak up. But, it is Grandma.

As for my husband, he feels the same way I do. He and my mom have gotten even closer since baby, and he agrees that my mom is just naturally much better and more relaxed with her. But, he also agrees that it’s unfair to set up a primary Grandma situation. The thing is, my mom doesn’t just play a Grandma role; throughout my pregnancy and this motherhood thing, my mom has been by my side in the capacity of mom. I just can’t force that kind of closeness with someone else, not even the woman who raised my husband.

I never send my mom a pic I don’t also send my MIL, and they are both updated after every Dr appointment. I don’t ignore calls or texts, and I haven’t pulled back on our relationship. I try to be very fair on paper, and we split the holidays, but it’s the time and comfort that I can’t just create. I guess I don’t have a specific question so much as I need general advice, and to maybe hear that I’m not the only one who has felt this way. Any chance that as my daughter gets older, the idea of leaving her with a safe, responsible paternal Grandma will be just as natural as leaving her with my safe, responsible mom?

 

[Clementine14]

You are not alone…I think it’s very natural for new mothers to feel more comfortable with their own mom’s care and advice with new babies. I know I still do, and my son is three now.

Of everything you wrote, the thing that bothers me the most is that when she watched your baby, she undermined you and did something you asked her not to. I have experienced something like this, except it was quite a big deal because it was a serious health concern. If your mother in law is willing to disregard your wishes about something that’s not a big deal, of course there is the concern that she will eventually do the same about something that is a big deal and could be a danger.

With my son, people have to earn my trust to care for him. I don’t care what is “fair” or about making things equal. Your mother in law has crossed some boundaries, and I think that should be considered when it comes time to allowing her to watch your baby. It’s not about who is “primary” Grandma but rather who respects you as a parent and will not cross the line.

The worst thing that a Grandma can do, if she wants to see her grandchild, is tick off the Mom. Even if you make every effort to be fair with the amount of time and information they both get, it is naturally going to alienate you and your child will sense it. It sounds like you’ve been very patient with her. You’ll probably never feel as safe leaving your daughter with her as with your own mother, and I think that is normal.

I’d say that the best thing to do is decide what you think is most important, and ignore the rest. To me, that would be my baby’s safety. She may not have done anything dangerous this time, but if she is willing to disregard your wishes she might in the future. I’d say your husband should be the one to explain that if she wants to be unsupervised with your daughter, she needs to follow the rules and respect that you are the parent. As far as what she says, sometimes it will be more prudent to hold your tongue, say “thanks for the advice”, and do what you want, and other times you may decide it’s worth it to speak up. You do not have to put up with blatant criticism or arguments about your parenting, and if that means you have to distance yourself a little to avoid it, that’s okay. That’s her alienating herself, not you doing anything to her or being unfair. She sounds like a nice enough lady otherwise, so I hope that she realizes soon that her relationship with her grandchild depends partly on how nicely she treats you.

 

[Crocus]

I’d say your husband should be the one to explain that if she wants to be unsupervised with your daughter, she needs to follow the rules and respect that you are the parent.

… As far as what she says, sometimes it will be more prudent to hold your tongue, say “thanks for the advice”, and do what you want

Spot on advice particularly above. I would just add to second quote, to give her positive reinforcement when her suggestions align with your wishes … “thanks for the advice, I”ll do that.”

 

[1Lord1Faith]

There have been a few other issues of just butting in, criticising my parenting to me and others, and publicly arguing with/chastising me about baby care. But truly, these are all just human conflicts to be expected as families grow and change and I’m trying to be patient.

I wouldn’t expect that kind of behavior from my MIL. In fact, MIL wouldn’t be around much if she did that stuff.

I’m wondering if your MIL has other grandchildren. Would that have anything to do with it?

 

[BlueEyedLadies]

Thank you for the advice, it’s really nice to know I’m not alone in feeling this way.

My husband already had a heart to heart with her, and then I followed up. I don’t want to dwell on wrongs of the past, because I really believe we all came to an understanding. She’s made mistakes, but it would be dishonest of me to say that’s the reason I’m so mistrustful, or at least the primary reason. I think she gets that any more undermining/criticising/bad mouthing would harm her relationship with my daughter and her son and she’s kind and loving enough to not want to hurt people, much less lose out with her grandbaby.

I could if I wanted to make a strong case that she’s done XYZ and doesn’t deserve my trust or alone time or whatever. But that’s really not it; I think I would have this anxiety any way.

 

[BlueEyedLadies]

First on both sides.

 

[Elf01]

If her not respecting your wishes is not the primary thing I suspect it’s just that you are a fairly new mother.

Maybe give her a small amount of unsupervised time and when you are confident that she will respect your wishes gradually increase it.

Were you BlueEyedLady previously by the way? If so why did you change?

 

[BlueEyedLadies]

That’s me! Honestly, when the system switched over, I decided it was a good excuse to take a long maternity leave because this place can be toxic and I didn’t want that as a distraction during such a special time.

I guess I changed my password because when I came back, I couldn’t get in. I also don’t have access to the throwaway email I created years ago. So, new account time. Seemed appropriate anyway since now I have a mini me

 

[Viki63]

I never left my first child alone with anyone for the first year of his life. I wasn’t working, so didn’t need to, and felt no need to get away.
I see no reason why you should give your MIL unsupervised time with your baby. Maybe just invite her over to care for her while you do a little cooking or cleaning.
Let your husband deal with any unreasonable comments or behavior.
God bless.

 

[Reuben_J]

I think you are a nice daugther in law and a very reasonable one. I can understand your situation as you tell it. I agree to much extent it is a personality thing, a barrier that is difficult to pull down. You are closer to your mother, because she fits in better an of course she is your mom. You know her.

As for your MIL, that’s a problem somewhat. I have been saying this, which people do not to like to hear, it is gracious of you to bend backward to accomodate her. If you should win her and she completely lose her insecurity of thinking your mom is better loved and better accepted and has greater time and intimacy with the baby, you would have done a miracle.

In any case, you have a great advantage in that your husband seems to be on the same page with you.

Do try to understand your MIL. I feel compassion for such people. I always wish they are more mature, able to accept that their son is married, able to let go and be happy to see his child having a family on his own.

You are right in wanting to try to give equal time to both moms. It will only aggravate the situation if you don’t. How you do that so that it will not cause the negative consequence that you do not want, is the difficult part, which requires wisdom on your part.

Other than that, you have to use your own judgment because raising up your child is your prerogative and nobody should take that away from you.

God bless.

 

[Xantippe]

Is this our old friend BEL?

If so, so happy to see you!!!

 

[BlueEyedLadies]

See above

 

[Xantippe]

Add to that most communication falls on me because like in many families, he doesn’t really bother with a social life outside of seeing a few friends from college every week.

Can you get your husband to commit to a weekly call or email? That might help a lot. It doesn’t need to be long.

This sends me into an inexplicable panic. I’ve left my daughter alone with her before, and it went well enough, but I was so worried the whole time. Furthermore, it kind of ended in conflict because she explicitly used something I asked her not to on the baby. No, it wasn’t objectively a big deal, but being undermined really upset me, especially since we were only 3 months into being parents and it wasn’t the first, or last time she disregarded what I said about taking care of my daughter. There have been a few other issues of just butting in, criticising my parenting to me and others, and publicly arguing with/chastising me about baby care.

There are natural consequences to doing the stuff your MIL has been doing.

It wasn’t even about getting more baby time, it was about getting more baby time relative to what my mom gets, which has been a growing fixation of hers for some time now.

!!!

We’ve had grandmas counting trip days and wondering why the other side of the family got more.

I trust her more, not only because she raised me, but because she’s been so careful, respectful and supportive of both my husband and me.

Of course you do.

 

[Xantippe]

But, how obligated am I really to bend over backwards to give them “equal” time?

Not at all.

And if I am obligated, does that obligation really start with overnight visits under a year?

Nope. I don’t think my mom let us do an overnight with my grandma (who was virtually perfect as a grandma) until I was 4 (it was somewhat controversial at the time).

Here’s some possible verbiage: “This works for us right now.”

Any chance that as my daughter gets older, the idea of leaving her with a safe, responsible paternal Grandma will be just as natural as leaving her with my safe, responsible mom?

I think things will develop.

 

[Elf01]

I thought I remembered you posting back as BlueEyedLady commenting on the changes. I can’t find that post now. Congrats on your little girl.

I guess I changed my password because when I came back, I couldn’t get in.

That happened everyone. I suspect they changed their password storage mechanism.

 

[Sugabee43]

Yeah, and I lost all of my old posts and DMs!!

 

[BlueEyedLadies]

Yeah, I got in once or twice and I think I’m the one who changed it. But, I don’t even remember the email address it was linked to. Oh well, it’s just a screen name.

 

[Allegra]

My MIL is in another state and does a lot of complaining about not getting enough time with the kids, even when she IS spending time with the kids. I just try to agree with her and move on because it makes me uncomfortable when people continuously complain to me about things I have no control over. We spend a lot of time and money driving to Wisconsin. She’s invited to visit us whenever. What more does she want? She has also asked specifically for “unsupervised visits”, which freaks me out. I have never left my kids overnight with anyone except my husband and even then I admit I was uneasy about it. Furthermore, this totally creeps me out. What exactly does she want to do with or to my kids that she can’t do with me in the house? I’ve shared this with my husband and he understands why it seems creepy but he insists that she doesn’t mean anything by it. I just keep remembering that old customer service axiom and for the time being I don’t say ‘no’, but I don’t say ‘yes’ either. I say things like, “I get such little time with the kids, I don’t want to be away from them during spring break.” or “Maybe, some other time.” or “Why don’t we all go out to lunch together?”

 

[Legend]

Hello, blueeyed ladies/lady…
I wouldn’t consider it anyone’s ‘right’ to have unsupervised time with a child…especially one that isn’t even a year old, yet. Your instincts sound just fine. Just don’t go out of your way to antagonize her, and you should be fine! No one has a ‘right’ to any alone time with a child. I gather she can visit your family? Just let it go, at that. If she complains about your mother getting more time, try and say something like ‘yes, we DO take advantage of her sometimes.’ If she says that she wouldn’t mind, just say ‘we’ll see’.

No one but you and your husband have any business criticizing parenting styles. You say you’re moving? Will that help? Even if not , stick to your decisions. The child is yours. don’t let yourself be guilted into anything!