Being a good girlfriend

[Yogi89]

That is good. Guys like to hear if a woman thinks he is good looking or a gentleman etc, etc. It was also mentioned and I second it that it’s bad to over think things. It will just paralyze you when the time comes to take action. Trying to think of the perfect thing to do or say, creating scenarios in your head and so forth are not helpful. Let things flow naturally. Make sure it’s a good guy you are dating and that will eliminate a lot of problems. He will lead you and be patient. Just let him know he is getting through to you. You may like hom but if he gets no feedback and is wondering do not be surprised if he ends up focusing on a woman who likes him and shows it. There are ways to show a man you like him without it being sex. A good man won’t try to take advantage of you. You will do fine.

Thank you so much! I know this stuff is supposed to come natural for people, but for me I need to work on things, because It’s very hard for me to be vulnerable, express my feelings or emotions to a guy. But, I know I need to do that, especially with someone I see as a potential husband.

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

Thank you so much! I know this stuff is supposed to come natural for people, but for me I need to work on things, because It’s very hard for me to be vulnerable, express my feelings or emotions to a guy. But, I know I need to do that, especially with someone I see as a potential husband.

I have been there too. Believe me. It did not come naturally for me. Dating that is. I went on one date when I was 18 and did not date again until I was 27. Teenagers literally had more relationship experience than me. Some still do. I did not have my first girlfriend until I was 29 and my current now that I’m 32. I had to learn a lot fast. The first time I even called a woman to talk to when I was 27 I had to drink some beer and sit for a hour scared before I called. Then after it did not work out with her I tried again and again until the fear went away. Eventually I was no longer afraid. I was getting phone numbers and dating and I knew how to carry myself. I made mistakes, I learned, I got my heart broken. But I had been a romantic since I was a little boy and I knew I did not want to let my fear stop me. I was 300 pounds as a teenager fearing I would never have a girlfriend. Then I lost 120 lbs when I was 17 and I still did not know how to talk to girls. It took me years and years. I totally understand. Dating does not come to everyone naturally. But those of us that it does not we need to get out of our comfort zones and let ourself be vulnerable or we do not make progress. Learn to not fear heart breaks. You will do fine. You are dating, that’s a step above a lot of people.

 

[Yogi89]

I have been there too. Believe me. It did not come naturally for me. Dating that is. I went on one date when I was 18 and did not date again until I was 27. Teenagers literally had more relationship experience than me. Some still do. I did not have my first girlfriend until I was 29 and my current now that I’m 32. I had to learn a lot fast. The first time I even called a woman to talk to when I was 27 I had to drink some beer and sit for a hour scared before I called. Then after it did not work out with her I tried again and again until the fear went away. Eventually I was no longer afraid. I was getting phone numbers and dating and I knew how to carry myself. I made mistakes, I learned, I got my heart broken. But I had been a romantic since I was a little boy and I knew I did not want to let my fear stop me. I was 300 pounds as a teenager fearing I would never have a girlfriend. Then I lost 120 lbs when I was 17 and I still did not know how to talk to girls. It took me years and years. I totally understand. Dating does not come to everyone naturally. But those of us that it does not we need to get out of our comfort zones and let ourself be vulnerable or we do not make progress. Learn to not fear heart breaks. You will do fine. You are dating, that’s a step above a lot of people.

Thank you! That’s great that you made such a huge progress. That’s what I’m hoping for myself. Thanks for sharing God Bless you

 

[BoomBoomMancini]

Thank you so much! I know this stuff is supposed to come natural for people, but for me I need to work on things, because It’s very hard for me to be vulnerable, express my feelings or emotions to a guy. But, I know I need to do that, especially with someone I see as a potential husband.

You do, but you don’t need to do it right away. Opening up to someone is something that should happen naturally over time as you grow closer. You don’t need to feel compelled to start sharing your deepest, darkest secrets with the first guy you have a drink with. That stuff will come naturally as you develop a real connection.

 

[fin]

There are some good advice offered here on CAF but do not follow all of them. If you always listen to the self proclaimed experts on dating, marriage, and family, only a few number would be considered qualified as dateable or marriageable.

Just mt two cents.

 

[BoomBoomMancini]

There are some good advice offered here on CAF but do not follow all of them. If you always listen to the self proclaimed experts on dating, marriage, and family, only a few number would be considered qualified as dateable or marriageable.

Just mt two cents.

I’m an expert. I am Don Juan, baby.

 

[dshix]

I’m an expert. I am Don Juan, baby.

LOL :clapping:

 

[fin]

Haha, nice one BBM By the way, I wasn’t referring to you in my reply. I thought your advice was good. I’m referring to those here who give advice akin to having all your ducks lined up before marrying.

Like I said, if everyone waited before they had the right amount of money, or the requisite cooking skills before tying the knot, a lot of people wouldn’t be existing today.

I’m not saying that one should be unprepared for marriage either. Yes, try your best to be the best version of yourself, but don’t get discouraged and think you shouldn’t be in a relationship or married because you lack this or that.

I’m an expert. I am Don Juan, baby.

 

[BoomBoomMancini]

Haha, nice one BBM By the way, I wasn’t referring to you in my reply. I thought your advice was good. I’m referring to those here who give advice akin to having all your ducks lined up before marrying.

Like I said, if everyone waited before they had the right amount of money, or the requisite cooking skills before tying the knot, a lot of people wouldn’t be existing today.

I’m not saying that one should be unprepared for marriage either. Yes, try your best to be the best version of yourself, but don’t get discouraged and think you shouldn’t be in a relationship or married because you lack this or that.

Yeah, I agree it’s a balance. There is never a PERFECT time in your life when you literally have every single thing squared away just so. At the same time, I’m very much against two broke 19 year olds getting married because “we’re so in love.” There’s a happy medium.

 

[EasterJoy]

I was wanting more advice on how to be when in an actual relationship, not so much finding a potential spouse or meeting someone, because that’s not so much a problem (although I would like to meet a guy I really like, which isn’t common gr me) as I do meet guys who like me, it’s just keeping the relationship. I also was wondering about that too though, how important is it to be a good girlfriend? I never thought it was important, but up until recently I’ve been thinking that if I’m not a good girlfriend, I might not make a good wife.

It may seem like worn-out advice, but be yourself. With the right person, that will be a somewhat better version of yourself than when he isn’t around.

I suppose if you need advice on “how to be,” I’d read books by John Gottman. He is a researcher on marriage who can tell you which behaviors or communication styles are the worst and the best for a married couple.

In your case, for instance, perhaps you quit talking when you’re upset. This can be experienced by the other person as shunning or “the silent treatment.” That is not good! You might have to learn to speak up on why you’re not speaking up, as in, “I’m really upset, I can tell I’m not seeing straight and I don’t want to say anything I can’t take back. Give me some time to calm down, and we’ll talk later.” You may need to learn how and when to say, “Hey, that way of saying that didn’t work for me. I understand what you mean, but I felt hurt” instead of just feeling hurt and shutting down, maybe without the fellow who hurt you even realizing that he hurt you or exactly what it was about the incident that you found hurtful.

At any rate, Gottman’s books have communication habits to offer that work just as well with friends and family as with a spouse. Learn those, and you’ll find “being a good girlfriend” easier to do, including breaking it off if you realize you’re not a good match for someone.

I guess the other book I’d suggest is, oddly enough, Melody Beattie’s The New Codependency. Why suggest a book on that? Well, I guess because codependency is the typical way that people who are trying to be good people mess up in difficult relationships. There are skills involved in setting boundaries without insulating yourself, in being mutually dependable in a relationship rather than codependent. If you read books on the typical mistakes that good people make, you may identify some habits in yourself that may not work well for you in the future. You can “try on” some different ways of doing things before you try them in a courtship situation.

If you learn healthy strategies and habits for opening up to other people without being a doormat or a bulldozer, then you may find the exercise of “being yourself” works out more smoothly when you find a boyfriend. Otherwise, from your description of yourself I think you may be anxious about whether you are being “open enough” or “reserved enough” or whatever. If you get to a place where you feel more comfortable in your own skin on that account, that could help you a lot.

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

Haha, nice one BBM By the way, I wasn’t referring to you in my reply. I thought your advice was good. I’m referring to those here who give advice akin to having all your ducks lined up before marrying.

Like I said, if everyone waited before they had the right amount of money, or the requisite cooking skills before tying the knot, a lot of people wouldn’t be existing today.

I’m not saying that one should be unprepared for marriage either. Yes, try your best to be the best version of yourself, but don’t get discouraged and think you shouldn’t be in a relationship or married because you lack this or that.

I was on a Catholic dating site for years. This dating site has a forum. I noticed a lot of the people who are regulars on that forum are in the senior or very close to their senior age, have never been married but know EVERYTHING about dating and relationships. These well meaning folks have a lot in common. It seems to a lot of them, nobody is good enough. But, they have dating advice for every question posted. Almost everything is a red flag to them. They want someone super, super similar to themselves. Their motto is “Do not settle” but they seem to not be able to compromise on anything. Also, you can tell just by their posts that they most likely have annoying personalities. They know it all, including dating matters. They cannot just walk away from a disagreement in forums, they have to get the last word. NOBODY, is Holy enough for them. And these are the ones who are the “Forum masters” on that site giving dating advice. One woman basically said poor people should not get married. I took great offense to this since I am sure that the vast majority of my ancestors most likely married poor.

I get the same vibe from a lot of people. Unless you have a bachelors degree or better, already own a house, started your future children’s college fund, have the means to send all your future kids to Catholic school and have spent many years with a therapist to work on all character defects lest you get angry at your partner and raise your voice to them and cause them to think you are a violent monster, you should not get married

 

[AdamP88]

I was on a Catholic dating site for years. This dating site has a forum. I noticed a lot of the people who are regulars on that forum are in the senior or very close to their senior age, have never been married but know EVERYTHING about dating and relationships.** These well meaning folks have a lot in common. It seems to a lot of them, nobody is good enough. But, they have dating advice for every question posted. Almost everything is a red flag to them.** They want someone super, super similar to themselves. Their motto is “Do not settle” but they seem to not be able to compromise on anything. Also, you can tell just by their posts that they most likely have annoying personalities. They know it all, including dating matters. They cannot just walk away from a disagreement in forums, they have to get the last word. NOBODY, is Holy enough for them. And these are the ones who are the “Forum masters” on that site giving dating advice. One woman basically said poor people should not get married. I took great offense to this since I am sure that the vast majority of my ancestors most likely married poor.

I get the same vibe from a lot of people.** Unless you have a bachelors degree or better, already own a house, started your future children’s college fund, have the means to send all your future kids to Catholic school and have spent many years with a therapist to work on all character defects lest you get angry at your partner and raise your voice to them and cause them to think you are a violent monster, you should not get married **

I agree. There tends to be a lot of people out there who have little or no experience of relationships but offer their advice as gurus of catholic dating. Often they are a bit on the extreme side and tend to view everything as a “red flag”. Only last week I was reading an article by a “traditional” catholic blogger about “how to recognise red flags of a predator or sociopath in dating.” There was some good advice, but some of the so-called red flags were things that would be considered normal.

On the other point, nobody is ever going to have their life (financial affairs, education etc.) in such order that it’s “perfect” for marriage. There is a balance, but many people marry with few assets and little money and do just fine.

 

[EasterJoy]

I agree. There tends to be a lot of people out there who have little or no experience of relationships but offer their advice as gurus of catholic dating. Often they are a bit on the extreme side and tend to view everything as a “red flag”. Only last week I was reading an article by a “traditional” catholic blogger about “how to recognise red flags of a predator or sociopath in dating.” There was some good advice, but some of the so-called red flags were things that would be considered normal.

On the other point, nobody is ever going to have their life (financial affairs, education etc.) in such order that it’s “perfect” for marriage. There is a balance, but many people marry with few assets and little money and do just fine.

What were the things you would consider normal?

I ask this because in training people to volunteer around children, they teach us to avoid some things that have long been considered normal but that are now being taught as things to avoid because they are “innocent” but dispensable activities that provide a predator with an opportunity to groom a victim.

For instance, they teach that adults ought to give children side hugs rather than full frontal hugs, even though most people who have ever given a child a bear hug are totally innocent. Why? Because predators use bear hugs to test a child’s tolerance for intimate touch. Side-hugs are a way to show physical affection for a child that a predator will find far less useful. If bear hugs are something children learn not to expect from adults outside their family, it robs the predator of that opportunity to do “research.”

An example from dating might be to avoid giving gifts that are too extravagant. An innocent but smitten young man might be tempted to go overboard in gift-giving too early in a relationship, but it would help him to be taught that this is better avoided. It doesn’t just warn him off from spending money that is as likely to scare off the object of affections as it is to endear him to her. It also makes it harder for the not-innocent to use this means of ensnaring an unsuspecting target.

I mean that if innocent people learn to avoid behaviors that they don’t profit from and the not-innocent do try to profit from, it is a good thing for everyone, all the way around. Innocent men would do well to learn the “red flags” that set predators apart from the innocent. They don’t just protect themselves from being misunderstood, but also give the predators less cover, since most innocent men will have learned to avoid these things as improper. (Men did used to know that overly-extravagant gifts were a no-no.)

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

Only last week I was reading an article by a “traditional” catholic blogger about "how to recognise red flags of a predator or sociopath in dating.

I probably read the same article. If it was the same article it also said most the sociopaths and predators in the Catholic dating world are Catholic converts and or reverts. Well, I am a convert. All I would have needed was that blog circulating on cm.com while I was still on there. It was hard enough as it was without women deciding not to give me a chance just because a private blogger declared (without sources) that converts are more likely to be predators.

 

[EasterJoy]

I probably read the same article. If it was the same article it also said most the sociopaths and predators in the Catholic dating world are Catholic converts and or reverts. Well, I am a convert. All I would have needed was that blog circulating on cm.com while I was still on there. It was hard enough as it was without women deciding not to give me a chance just because a private blogger declared (without sources) that converts are more likely to be predators.

There is a big logical difference between “converts are more likely to be predators” and “predators are more likely to be posing as converts.” (Actual faith and dedication to the Gospel and a desire to selfishly prey on others are mutually exclusive impulses, obviously.)

It makes sense that predators are more likely to pose as converts or reverts, because it is easier to pretend the part. Pretending to be something attractive is what predators do. If you pretend to be a convert or a revert, you can be both enthusiastic and yet have big knowledge gaps. The gaps in your background might even make you an attractive person to the “helper” types out there, and there is no one the sociopath wants to hook up with than a “helper” type who is easily moved to pity. Someone willing to accept excuse after excuse with a heart quickly moved to pity is the thing a sociopath most wants.

If you claim to be active since the cradle, in contrast, there are certain gaps in your knowledge that will expose you as either lukewarm or a fraud. You won’t look so promising as a “fixer upper.”

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

There is a big logical difference between “converts are more likely to be predators” and “predators are more likely to be posing as converts.” (Actual faith and dedication to the Gospel and a desire to selfishly prey on others are mutually exclusive impulses, obviously.)

It makes sense that predators are more likely to pose as converts or reverts, because it is easier to pretend the part. Pretending to be something attractive is what predators do. If you pretend to be a convert or a revert, you can be both enthusiastic and yet have big knowledge gaps. The gaps in your background might even make you an attractive person to the “helper” types out there, and there is no one the sociopath wants to hook up with than a “helper” type who is easily moved to pity. Someone willing to accept excuse after excuse with a heart quickly moved to pity is the thing a sociopath most wants.

If you claim to be active since the cradle, in contrast, there are certain gaps in your knowledge that will expose you as either lukewarm or a fraud. You won’t look so promising as a “fixer upper.”

Well the article I read did not say “predators are more likely to be posing as converts” It said most predators in the Catholic dating scene are converts and reverts. Regardless, cradle Catholics can just as easily be posing too so unless some kind of study was conducted then it’s only stating opinion as fact. That was my gripe.

 

[AdamP88]

What were the things you would consider normal?

I ask this because in training people to volunteer around children, they teach us to avoid some things that have long been considered normal but that are now being taught as things to avoid because they are “innocent” but dispensable activities that provide a predator with an opportunity to groom a victim.

For instance, they teach that adults ought to give children side hugs rather than full frontal hugs, even though most people who have ever given a child a bear hug are totally innocent. Why? Because predators use bear hugs to test a child’s tolerance for intimate touch. Side-hugs are a way to show physical affection for a child that a predator will find far less useful. If bear hugs are something children learn not to expect from adults outside their family, it robs the predator of that opportunity to do “research.”

An example from dating might be to avoid giving gifts that are too extravagant. An innocent but smitten young man might be tempted to go overboard in gift-giving too early in a relationship, but it would help him to be taught that this is better avoided. It doesn’t just warn him off from spending money that is as likely to scare off the object of affections as it is to endear him to her. It also makes it harder for the not-innocent to use this means of ensnaring an unsuspecting target.

I mean that if innocent people learn to avoid behaviors that they don’t profit from and the not-innocent do try to profit from, it is a good thing for everyone, all the way around. Innocent men would do well to learn the “red flags” that set predators apart from the innocent. They don’t just protect themselves from being misunderstood, but also give the predators less cover, since most innocent men will have learned to avoid these things as improper. (Men did used to know that overly-extravagant gifts were a no-no.)

Ok, these are the list of “red flags”. I’ll go through what I think of the list.

Charming and virtuous: Yeah, sure a predator could be charming. But so can any man who is trying to impress a lady. just cos I open the door for her doesn’t mean I’m a psycho.

They love internet dating sites: Perhaps, but there are also plenty of normal people who use internet dating.

Inappropriate comments or lewd jokes: I have to agree with this one.

They react badly to setting boundaries: This is another good one.

Confusion about his behaviour: This could be a sign of an issue, or it could be the sign of a man who isn’t used to expressing himself to a woman he is attracted to.

****Sketchy past/Protesting that they are a good person/playing the victim/blow hot and cold: Yeah, ok

Love bombing: What is the difference between this and trying to impress a girl. I could say I love-bombed my wife when I first met her. I spent a lot of money on her and on gifts for her.

No talk about the faith. Yeah, thaat would be a red flag

They “pry” into your life: I believe this is known as “getting to know each other”.

They have a temper: that’s just a bit vague. Anyone can be impatient every now and then. It doesn’t mean you’ll beat your wife.

Controlling/possessive: Controlling…bad. Possessive…not necessarily bad. I would be fairly “possessive” of my wife if I saw some other guy hitting on her. I imagine most guys in a relationship would feel the same. Also…asking someone where they were at the weekend is hardly a sign of anything.

Huge age difference: Not necessarily a sign of anything.

**They contradict themselves: **Vague.

**Future-faking: **again, vague and mixed with odd advice.

I imagine a lot of these things together could be a sign that someone is bad news. But my issue with this is that it’s basically just mixing up a load of things that are harmless in with some traits that probably do signify something. It’s a little paranoid.

 

[AdamP88]

There is a big logical difference between “converts are more likely to be predators” and “predators are more likely to be posing as converts.” (Actual faith and dedication to the Gospel and a desire to selfishly prey on others are mutually exclusive impulses, obviously.)

It makes sense that predators are more likely to pose as converts or reverts, because it is easier to pretend the part. Pretending to be something attractive is what predators do. If you pretend to be a convert or a revert, you can be both enthusiastic and yet have big knowledge gaps. The gaps in your background might even make you an attractive person to the “helper” types out there, and there is no one the sociopath wants to hook up with than a “helper” type who is easily moved to pity. Someone willing to accept excuse after excuse with a heart quickly moved to pity is the thing a sociopath most wants.

If you claim to be active since the cradle, in contrast, there are certain gaps in your knowledge that will expose you as either lukewarm or a fraud. You won’t look so promising as a “fixer upper.”

The article does specifically say that “most predatory men are reverts or converts”. where is the evidence for that?