Being a middle age women in today's society....how can you find peace?

[veronica4lfe]

I am wondering how other middle age women deal with having husbands who are more and more being attracted to other younger women and feeling like you have nothing to offer him in this area…feeling like he is with you in those ways simply because he has been turned on by other women.

 

[Bonnie]

It’s pretty normal - unless he’s telling you about his fantasies. That would be cruel.

Most men would have to wear blinders to avoid seeing & being turned on by women.

 

[1ke]

I am wondering how other middle age women deal with having husbands who are more and more being attracted to other younger women and feeling like you have nothing to offer him in this area…feeling like he is with you in those ways simply because he has been turned on by other women.

i am sorry that this is your experience of middle age and marriage.

I am not sure what your husband has said or done to make you feel this way, but perhaps you should discuss it with him.

I find the above to be in no way “normal”.

 

[Regina_Love]

It is easy to give up on being sexy as we get older. We look at those air brushed, plastic enhanced beauties, and know we cannot compete with that. But those negative, despairing thoughts tear you down. They are destructive, relationship killers! Don’t believe it! Every moment of every day He is choosing to be with you, & not some one else. REWARD THAT LOYALTY. refuse to listen to the negative thinking. Ask God to bless you as a couple! Make a list of positive thoughts…

He choses to be with me today, over every other woman on this planet!!!
Being sexy is more in my mind, than my body appearance.
Embrace your love & affection for this flawed imperfect man God has given you.
Embrace the body you have, which is a gift from God!
If you had just lost 60 pounds you would feel incredibly attractive at your current weight!
He may feel unloved, and unattractive to you! Take action, and initiate intimacy.
Celebrate your marriage! date nights. Have fun together.
Go wild! paint your nails, streak your hair, wear something eye catching just for him!

When we choose to invest some time & energy into our marriage we can enjoy our love, affection, and sense of being a couple.

Your are a daughter of God, and are more precious than rubies or gold. You are worth dying for! You are precious. Jesus longs to hold you in his arms. God the Father longs to spend all eternity with you! The Holy Spirit longs to dwell within you today! Be at peace my sister. You are treasured.

 

[TK421]

Well if it makes you feel any better, I think a lot of middle aged women are super hot, and I’m in my twenties. They’ve got a grace and wisdom to them that is alluring.

Aren’t your tastes suppose to change as you get older? I think it’s more of a particular attitude than him getting older and yet still only being attracted to younger women. I don’t mean to sound rude, but there’s always the possibility he’s not actually checking out younger women all the time, and you just think he is. I know speaking for myself, I’m often friendly to younger teenage girls that I know, but it’s not a sexual thing because I’m not even particularly attracted to teenage girls. They’re too young and plastic-like. It’s more of an older brother to little sister thing. But now that I think about it from an outsider’s point of view, it could be misinterpreted.

I know more shallow people always want to be with younger people, but when you get older, you want to be with somebody older. The airbrushed supermodels in magazines aren’t as appealing as you might think. I would gather your courage and talk to your husband openly about it imo.

 

[rita4637]

I have thought about this a lot myself recently, being middle aged and widowed. I found some articles about the attractiveness of older women, and some stories about women who find love later in life, sometimes with MUCH younger men, and how and why that happens. So who knows, you may have way more to offer than you realize! But its true, the media, and people who place a high value on superficial beauty and youth do seem to dominate our world so often.

Blessings!

 

[EasterJoy]

I am wondering how other middle age women deal with having husbands who are more and more being attracted to other younger women and feeling like you have nothing to offer him in this area…feeling like he is with you in those ways simply because he has been turned on by other women.

We have to be careful not to identify what we see in commercials as being more representative of the men the commercials are designed to tempt than they are. Those spots are designed to make the men think that all the other men are thinking that way.

Maybe you’d do better if you watch Cialis commercials, instead. It might comfort you to know they run these during the shows favored by middle-aged men, which is to say during baseball, golf, and other sports programming. (If you can stomach them…it is hard to sell what they’re selling without implying a bit TMI.) Watch those, and you’ll believe that what middle aged men want is a Ram pick-up that can pull any trailer they can think of to hitch to it, a cute young thing as a waitress, and an adoring wife of 25 years to hold at home, who gives him “that look”, even without him having to use Just For Men to cover his gray.

 

[AnneTeresa]

I think that comparing ourselves to others can be harmful. We will always find someone we fall short of. I second the talking to him about it. I’ve also had those fears at times and I think it’s more about me and my insecurity than about him. I rarely read women’s magazines except for the home and garden parts. I just don’t need those messages getting into my head anymore than they already are. Ditto for commercials on TV. I mute them.

I like what Regina said about changing how you think. Also sometimes just buying a new blouse helps. I did this the other day and I did feel more attractive with a new blouse! Go figure. Also getting my nails done sometimes gives me a little boost. Do what you can with what you have and remember that you are loved for what is INSIDE, not outside. I’m no great beauty but even just exercising regularly or eating healthy helps me feel better about myself. I can take care of myself and that helps me feel more attractive. I also remind myself that when I am 80, I will look back at my concerns about how I looked at 60 and realize it was a waste. Just like at 60 looking back on 40, 40 looking back on 20.

One other thought:remember that in other parts of the world, older people are revered and treasured. This helps me get some perspective living in this western culture. The bottom line is we need to change the culture, not cave in to it and its values. God bless you, sister. God informs us of our worth and value and attractiveness.

 

[Irishmom2]

i am sorry that this is your experience of middle age and marriage.

I am not sure what your husband has said or done to make you feel this way, but perhaps you should discuss it with him.

I find the above to be in no way “normal”.

I have to say that I agree with this. I am wondering if he has done something to make you feel this way or is this just something you think is happening?

If he has said something to you though, you might want to remind him, he is not getting any younger either.

 

[Irishmom2]

“Well if it makes you feel any better, I think a lot of middle aged women are super hot, and I’m in my twenties. They’ve got a grace and wisdom to them that is alluring.”

Well you sure are a smart one!

 

[jmcrae]

I am wondering how other middle age women deal with having husbands who are more and more being attracted to other younger women and feeling like you have nothing to offer him in this area…feeling like he is with you in those ways simply because he has been turned on by other women.

I count my blessings that this is not my experience of being a middle aged woman. In fact, I have never been more free or had more fun.

Being young was stressful, for me, but I like being older, more experienced, and more relaxed about things.

My husband and I over the years have “grown into” each other, and I don’t think either of us could imagine ever being with anyone else.

 

[Eleanor61]

I think this is an excellent question, and I understand your feelings, but I wonder how much of it is society and how much of it is your particular husband? My husband has given me very little reason over the years to think he was attracted to younger women. We have been married 30 years with very few issues of this nature. In our culture as a whole, of course, women over 45 are basically invisible. Some women find this liberating, but for women who have heavily identified with a glamorous persona, it can be a traumatic experience to look in the mirror. I think the transition is hardest on women who traded primarily on their looks, just as the end of fertility is hardest on women who identify primarily as mothers of young children. Not for nothing is it called “the change”.

I do believe that stories about amazingly attractive older women are largely fabricated. Without a lot of plastic surgery we can all tell when mutton is dressed as lamb. Those women usually have successful careers, Ivy League educations, and inexhaustible sums of money to spend on themselves and they still can’t compete with an average 20 year old. I have probably read about 15 books on women at mid-life, and I really couldn’t identify with anyone in them. They are all over privileged women with rich husbands ( even if they left for younger women, they left big bank accounts behind) and multiple successful careers. I was a well educated, stay at home, homeschooling mother of five, who now has a crippling disease. No glamour here, but a steady, supportive husband. It helps that I was a lot better looking than him, and I still am, but I think it really has the most to do with his character which is intensely loyal, or maybe just uninterested in other women who probably would not listen to him read the Wall Street journal out loud every morning.

 

[Anglewannabe]

It’s pretty normal - unless he’s telling you about his fantasies. That would be cruel.

Most men would have to wear blinders to avoid seeing & being turned on by women.

Ouch ! I have never been married but I am sure this would hurt me if I suspected my husband was looking at younger women. Also, I can’t help but think to a good Catholic man, it would be insulting to say all men are like that.

Honestly, as much as there are a lot of sinners, there are a lot of good people as well

 

[bmaj]

I am wondering how other middle age women deal with having husbands who are more and more being attracted to other younger women and feeling like you have nothing to offer him in this area…feeling like he is with you in those ways simply because he has been turned on by other women.

In reading all the responses to your question, I pray it’s not “normal” for most husbands to act and seem this way, although many seem to, unfortunately. I definitely feel your pain in dealing with this. I used to love going to the beach, but now I usually dread it with my husband since he stares almost constantly at the young women with Victoria Secret- type bodies and bathing suits. He thinks with sunglasses on that I can’t tell, but unfortunately I can. If or when I say anything, he denies it and then acts totally demeaning to me for at least hours, sometimes days, after. He also saves photos in his emails of naked women that he gets from his male “friends” who pass them on - and/or other general places where they’re so available online. Whenever I’ve tried to discuss this with him, he either goes into total denial or refuses to talk about it for days or weeks and is colder than ice to me. We’ve been married over 30 years, and I’ve kept my figure, always arrange “date nights,” buy special clothes that he likes to see me in, etc., but it doesn’t matter. No matter what I do, he still looks - anywhere - even while we’re shopping or even at females walking down the street while he’s driving - and then in the rear-view mirror after he’s past them! I thank the Lord he hasn’t had an accident while doing so.
I also notice that when I’m not in the room while he’s watching tv, he’ll watch the shows that show either very revealing or naked women if he’s able to find them on our limited cable programs, and the minute I come into the room, he quickly clicks the remote back to a “safe” show. And I’ve seen your last sentence is so sadly true, at least in my marriage. After he’s watched things like this, it always feels like he’s thinking of those people in his head while being intimate with me.
I don’t know the solution to what you’re feeling other than to say what I’ve been trying to do - which is to keep praying for him and for a change and having faith that God definitely knows the pain that we wives are experiencing and is with us every moment through it all. Praying for Our Blessed Mother’s and St. Monica’s intercession also helps me tremendously.
May Our Dear Lord’s peace be with you always. You’re definitely not alone.

 

[severus68]

I am wondering how other middle age women deal with having husbands who are more and more being attracted to other younger women and feeling like you have nothing to offer him in this area…feeling like he is with you in those ways simply because he has been turned on by other women.

I don’t know about middle aged women but this is not right. While there is nothing wrong with appreciating beauty in other women, your husband should only love you, middle aged, and all as you love him as he is with his imperfections. You have your love to offer and that is worth more than anything else. If your husband is ogling young or any other women, you need to tell him how unloving and disrespectful that is and he has to stop. Please see your priest and perhaps you both should go for counselling.