Being asked out by a stranger at mass?

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LittleWay84

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Hello,

This is long but I have a question to ask as something has happened to me that I found unsettling. I am unsure if I was in the wrong or not. The initial event happened two years ago and the subsequent event more recently.

I am involved in the ministry at church and I had just come down off the altar after mass when a man, around ten years older, approached me. Quite often, strangers will approach me and thank me for my involvement in mass or tell me they are visiting the parish so I was unfazed at first. The conversation went like this;

Him: Hi, what’s your name?

Me:

Him: I’m , I come here every week. Do you live in this town?

Me: Yes

Him: Would you like to go out sometime?

I was very shocked and didn’t know how to handle it at all. It was the last thing I was expecting. My instincts were that, although he appeared completely normal, I really had no idea who he was and I felt uncomfortable at being put on the spot like that. I am not from the US, and generally people in the country I live in are quite conservative and would not approach strangers to ask them out. I ended up saying very politely that I was very sorry but I have an extremely busy life as I was in grad school (not a lie). He didn’t seem to understand at first but eventually left. I was not cruel in anyway, I tried to be kind. He didn’t come back to church after that until very recently. At the time he had approached me he had only been coming to mass for 6 to 8 weeks or so and I hadn’t seen him at parish events or anything in the decade or so that I have been part of the parish.

This week after mass, someone approached me (again a stranger) and said they had someone who was desperate to meet me and would I please agree to talk to them. I was hoping it wasn’t anything to do with a romantic nature and reluctantly agreed (I am quite shy). When I got to the doors of church it was the SAME man. He hadn’t relaised this had been arranged and seemed very embarrassed and as if I had hurt him those two years ago when I declined his offer. I felt very guilty and again, uncomfortable. He seemed like a fairly nice man and the person who was with him started pressurising him to ask for my number, - “Get her number, for God’s sake! Don’t let this one go!”. I politely explained that I am seeing someone and they let me leave but again, the man he was with basically said he should watch out in case I become single in future.

I feel a bit all over the place with how this has made me feel. On the one hand, like I did something wrong by not agreeing to go out with him in the first place because he has obviously taken that quite badly. Also, because he asked me out in church, I cannot make up my mind if this was disrespectful of God or if it could have been God’s work? Have I done the wrong thing by turning him down? I just felt very uncomfortable that a stranger had approached me so directly and I also felt intimidated by the 10 year age gap. I also felt uncomfortable at the way the man he was with was trying to pressurise me into giving him my number or going out with him and making me feel like an object - “don’t let this one go, keep an eye on this one” etc.

I’m at a point where I am even considering whether my vocation is to be married and have children at all! I really feel the need to be single at the moment. Whilst I was in grad school, I fell deeply in love with a Baptist (a minister’s son) and we had a 15 month relationship. I really wanted to marry him but he wasn’t ready for such commitment and chose to go out with another girl who was younger and not looking for a commitment yet. I was heartbroken but I knew God did not want us to be together. Since then, I’ve felt God was calling me to take time out from considering relationships, to rebuild and connect with what is right for me. I met a lovely man through ministry who is just a year older than me in October and we are spending more time in each others company but at this stage only in a platonic way. Neither of us want to rush into anything - we are just getting to know each other whilst being open to God’s will. What I really need right now is a friend and he is a very inspirational person who truly puts God first. However this is all new to me. From age 15 I was certain God was calling me to be a wife and mother and now I am 31 and totally unsure and, at this stage just wanting to be single though painfully aware of my biological clock. I’ve recently started counselling for childhood emotional and physical abuse that I suffered and I’m only just starting to heal - I feel this is not a good time for entering into relationships.

I suppose though, I am concerned that maybe God sent the man who approached me in Church. How would I know? Also, am I wrong to feel that it is inappropriate/disrespectful to ask a complete stranger out on a date in church? Especially without having any prior conversation?

Please, if you will, pray for me. I am so confused right now.
 
I am sorry for your childhood trauma.

First of all, you have no reason for feeling bad for declining to go out with this man. I don’t think there is anything bad about asking someone out in church. I asked my wife out just outside of the church where we went to a young adult group together. I have to admit, I think asking out total strangers is weird, but not all people do. I think it is kind of a big risk to go out with a total stranger. I think in your situation you were probably right to say no. If I were in your shoes I definitely would have done the same. Whoever that guy was who was pressuring you and his friend, I think he sounds like he may be a little pushy and I wouldn’t take anything he says seriously. If you feel bad about hurting the guy’s feelings then don’t. All guys take a risk of rejection when they ask someone out. To be honest, rejection does hurt, but we guys can handle with it. Disappointment is a part of life and no woman anywhere should feel morally obligated to go out with a guy just to avoid hurting his feelings. In fact if you do so, you are actually doing him a disservice. Guys don’t like flakiness or indecision any more than women do.

As far as discernment goes, I guess if you feel very strongly that you belong in a family setting and that is the only way you can imagine yourself functioning, then you are probably called to the married life. I know that is how I made that decision. Now that I am married I am definitely sure that I have fulfilled my vocation. I am now a husband and a father, and the role fits me like a hand in a glove. If you feel called to be single right now that’s fine, though I can understand your concern about your biological clock. Regarding the guy that you’re seeing right now, this is just my two cents and may not be worth anything, but if you feel any desire to be married at all, I would be wary of being in a pseudo-relationship like this for too long. From my own experience in college, and the experiences of close friends of mine, what I have found is that in situations like this, one of you may become emotionally invested while the other does not, which leads to hurt and wasted time. At some point, you have to either commit or don’t. One of the things my wife liked about me is that I was very clear about my intentions. We became friends through a Catholic young adult group, and when we were both attracted to each other I simply asked her out. I didn’t want to “hang out,” I didn’t flirt around with her for a long time, I just asked her out to dinner. When we were dating I was very clear about my passion for the Catholic faith, my desire for marriage and a family, and she shared these desires so it went smoothly from there. Find a guy who shares these things with you.

You will be in my prayers.
 
I think it’s inappropriate to ask a stranger for a date in church.I think it’s inappropriate for a friend to say comments like you posted in church (or anywhere else) too.

He could have gradually gotten to know you-saying good morning and small chit chat over time–not asking blindly for a date.

It is not God’s will for you to date someone because he asked you out in church.
 
mommy_k said:
It is not God’s will for you to date someone because he asked you out in church.
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Isn’t that the truth. This reminds me of a story my dad told me once. He is an evangelical Christian and used to go to this Pentecostal/charismatic type church before he met my mom. He said he was approached by a woman who told him that God had spoken to her through the Holy Spirit and told her that he and she have to get married. His response was priceless. “Well, he better talk to me about it first!”
 
On the flip side, people on CAF are always telling single people that can only meet a good Catholic in church.
🤷

If you don’t like the guy, don’t feel bad.
but honestly, maybe he’s just looking for a nice Catholic woman.

A date can be just coffee in a public place. You can even have a friend at a nearby table if you get nervous. You can text them to come by your table.
But, if you’re seeing someone, that wouldn’t be nice either.

I kind of feel sorry for the guy.
 
pianistclare said:
On the flip side, people on CAF are always telling single people that can only meet a good Catholic in church.
🤷

If you don’t like the guy, don’t feel bad.
but honestly, maybe he’s just looking for a nice Catholic woman.

A date can be just coffee in a public place. You can even have a friend at a nearby table if you get nervous. You can text them to come by your table.
But, if you’re seeing someone, that wouldn’t be nice either.

I kind of feel sorry for the guy.
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This is how I’m feeling too.

A date does not have to be a big “thing.” Coffee is a great low pressure idea to just get to know someone.
 
Thank you everyone for your comments.

CompSciGuy, its great to hear things from a male perspective. You are right about the man I have met recently in terms of not getting to the point of a one sided attachment. At the moment its very early days and I don’t think either one of us are overly attached but its wise to be aware this could happen.

Mommy K - I did feel it was inappropriate at the time and agree, there was an easy way for him to chat to me after mass for a number of weeks before asking me if I’d like to meet him outside of mass. The fact he was so abrupt about asking me out made me feel uncomfortable, like he must have been basing it on shallow reasons, and I did initially think he was around 15 years older rather than 10 and thought the generation gap was too big.

I do feel sorry for him too and understand that I could have just went for a coffee with him. However, I’ve never been on a date with a total stranger before and as I say, I knew nothing about this man and had never had a proper conversation with him. If he’d have spoke to me a couple of times, maybe I would have agreed to go. I was a little wary I suppose and given that I am shy, the prospect of going on a date with a total stranger made me anxious.
 
LittleWay84 said:
I do feel sorry for him too and understand that I could have just went for a coffee with him. However, I’ve never been on a date with a total stranger before and as I say, I knew nothing about this man and had never had a proper conversation with him. If he’d have spoke to me a couple of times, maybe I would have agreed to go. I was a little wary I suppose and given that I am shy, the prospect of going on a date with a total stranger made me anxious.
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I think the point that Clare and I are making is that coffee can be that opportunity to have a proper conversation and get to know him. That’s what dates are, especially a first date.

You’re of course always free to say no, but at the same time, I think it would be worthwhile for you, in the future, to consider that you’re going to really limit your opportunities if you limit yourself on the basis that you’re just “a shy person.” If you know this is something that is limiting you, maybe you can push yourself on it a little bit.

Don’t beat yourself up over this occurrence, but relax and use it to learn something moving forward.
 
My RCIA instructors son is now my husband. He was there when I was confirmed as a Catholic, that’s where we first met…if he asked me out then I would have declined as you did.:eek: He asked me out a month later after Mass outside the Church. 😃

Do not be too anxious. If it is part of Gods will for you, it will happen. Enjoy your time with your new friend.

Prayers ascending. :gopray:
 
From the description of both encounters, the man sounds extremely socially awkward.The first encounter did indeed sound "creepy " since the op had never seen the man at church. But now with the second encounter, it sounds more like he has a crush along with some autistic-ish traits.

OP, as others have said, you are under no obligation to date someone simply because he asked you out at church. I would be careful not to “lead him on” in any way, such as accepting a date simply because you feel sorry for him.
 
Please don’t feel guilty. I agree with the previous responses that you are under no obligation to go out on a date if you are not comfortable with the situation, regardless of where you were asked out.

I would never abruptly walk up to someone at church without having ever spoken to them before and asked them out on a date. Then again, like you, this man may just be very shy–and perhaps he is even a bit socially awkward which could explain why he was so forward.

What I find odd is that this man only attended mass for two months at your church, then disappeared for two years after asking your out and when he reappears it is to meet you again? That strikes me as… for lack of a better term, creepy. Even if he was being influenced by his friend who was being pushy (and inappropriate with the “don’t let this one go” type comments) I would still find it a little unsettling.

Either one of these incidents could be completely harmless on their own, but together, and with a two year gap, that’s just odd. Maybe I see it this way because I have a teenage daughter and I would be concerned if she was telling me that a similar incident happened to her at church.

I don’t think you have anything at all to feel guilty about or trouble yourself over. I’m sorry for the trauma you have experienced in your youth also.

You’ll be in my prayers today.
 
gardenswithkids said:
From the description of both encounters, the man sounds extremely socially awkward.The first encounter did indeed sound "creepy " since the op had never seen the man at church. But now with the second encounter, it sounds more like he has a crush along with some autistic-ish traits.

OP, as others have said, you are under no obligation to date someone simply because he asked you out at church. I would be careful not to “lead him on” in any way, such as accepting a date simply because you feel sorry for him.
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I agree.

I think she handled the situation very well.
 
I know I may be in the minority, but I don’t think it’s appropriate to ask someone out in church - it’s a house of worship, not a singles bar - when you just met.

Also, I’ve seen threads where awkward guys want to know if they can walk up to a woman in church and ask them out after mass, and I’ve answered “no.” Thjs thread shows the flip side of how those ask-outs are received, namely, they come off as creepy.

OP, trust your gut on things like this. However, I too think that saying “I’m shy” can easily become a crutch that impedes your social life. However, being shy doesn’t mean you’re not entitled to be creeped out by what happened.
 
This is my first time posting on Catholic Answers Forum, though I have read posts in the past. You have all been very kind, thank you. God bless you all.

I am sure this man is not on the Autistic Spectrum (I teach children and adults with Autism) and I take it more that he has come from a secular dating background and now in his forties wants to settle down with a “nice girl” and maybe thought church was the place to do this. I too was discouraged by the fact that he was not at church long before he approached me then disappeared for two years after he asked me out.

I think it is a fair point to make that it is more unfair to lead someone on by agreeing to go on a date because you don’t want them to have hurt feelings than to turn someone down.

Also, I know the point made about being shy is a valid one. I just prefer to get to know I feel comfortable around someone before I feel ok about being pursued in a romantic sense. I think this is why I feel happier around the man I am getting to know at the moment. There is absolutely no pressure and I know, no matter what, he is pursuing God most of all so I have greater trust of him.
 
Also on the point of being shy, I am confident in many ways but it takes me a little time to feel I can open up around strangers. I think part of this is due to the abuse. It made me very wary. I am working on this with my counsellor but she’s advised that its ok to act on my instincts for now as they have kept me safe.
 
mommy_k said:
I think it’s inappropriate to ask a stranger for a date in church.
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I will start off by saying that my parents did meet in church. While I don’t believe it’s the only place to meet the right kind of person, I have always felt like I would prefer to meet my future wife in church. The reason is simply that if a girl above the age of 20 is still going to church with her family then at least I know that she has some level of commitment to her faith.
He could have gradually gotten to know you-saying good morning and small chit chat over time–not asking blindly for a date.
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True. My parents had at least seen each other in church for some time before my dad finally got around to asking mom out. Nonetheless, my own experience has led me to understand why a guy would be more forward. When it comes to interacting with girls, I’ve always been afraid of coming off as some kind of creep. “It’s too soon” or “She doesn’t know you well enough yet” are exactly the kinds of things that I would tell myself. Not surprisingly, whatever girl I was interested in ended up either moving out of my circle or ending up with another guy who had the guts to just ‘go for it.’ A guy can’t wait for the perfect moment because it’s never going to come. Just the other day I posted on another thread about how difficult it is to even get a girl alone long enough to ask her out. If I can get her undivided attention for thirty seconds then I’m going to go for it, because that’s the best that I can hope for.
 
Apologies in advance, as I haven’t caught up with the thread, but here are some thoughts:

–You were totally in your rights both times. In fact, the second episode makes it clearer that your initial instincts were correct.
–A stranger is still a stranger, even in church.
–The stranger screwed up by making an open-ended hypothetical semi-invitation, rather than an actual invitation with a time and place. So, because of how he phrased the question, instead of you saying no to a particular event, you wound up saying no to the possibility of seeing him at all. That was kind of dumb/socially inept of him, especially since he is considerably older than you and ought to know better.
–While socially inept men can eventually make lovely husbands (given enough elbow-grease), it doesn’t sound like that kind of “project” is right for you. I am especially concerned about “projects” that are 40+ years old.
–For any male readers trying to figure out how to do this better, how about engineering a group outing after Mass? A little chit chat and then “Hey, a group of us are going out for lunch after Mass. Do you want to join us?” Women can do that one, too, actually. It is kind of an expensive option for people on a budget so some may turn the option down just because of money issues, but it’s a very safe option–the time is right now (so no waiting or getting stood up), it’s a group outing, and it’s in public. Bonus points if it’s “Hey, a group of us are going out for lunch after Mass with Father. Do you want to join us?”
 
I come from a place where catholic men are in a minority, and often also are shy. However, women don’t like to approach men (as a sort of principal issue) so there’s a bunch of pretty nice (but sometimes socially awkward) guys at the edge of a pond full of beautiful women… Nobody’s angling, nobody’s biting.

There are times though that a man tries to initiate contact by doing like you said: Going up to a woman, and asking them out, seemingly out of the blue. Nothing strange to me - we men feel the pressure to start a family. But we don’t realize the women we like, don’t necessarily like us… yet, so we shy them away by too sudden advances.

The fact though remains: It looks like this man isn’t looking to make you happy, but to make himself happy, he’s desperate.
You might want to ask him out for coffee to chitchat. Even if it’s just to build up community between younger catholic people.
Tell him about your discernment/ thoughts about religious life. His reaction to that can mean a lot.

Two examples from my own life to illustrate:
-I was having nightmares when I was dating a far younger girl, that she might become religious. Not a good sign, which I recognized afterwards - everyone’s goal should not be to make someone else their spouse, but to make the other holy.
-The wife I married, did approach me at first. When I told her I was dating someone else, she very decently backed off but remained in contact. This reaction let me to contact her when the other dating relationship was over. And now I’m happily married 🙂
 
Good point about the need for a specific invitation. I missed that the first time around.
 
I think meeting someone through church is different then directly asking a stranger for a date who is stepping off the altar. Then a forty something man to have a friend intervene is also a bit off-and then the friends comment…

if he is this direct again-you can be direct too when turning him down.
 
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