Being asked out by a stranger at mass?

[Catholic1954]

You should take time out now to deal with your childhood abuse issues before you jump into a relationship. The creepier thing about the guy was that he came back, after two years. You were right not to go out with him because you feel sorry for him. That is not a good foundation for friendship, and going out may have given him the message that you are interested, when you are not, and it would have been much, much more difficult to say no after that and have him believe you.

 

[ShadowBoxer]

I think meeting someone through church is different then directly asking a stranger for a date who is stepping off the altar. Then a forty something man to have a friend intervene is also a bit off-and then the friends comment…

if he is this direct again-you can be direct too when turning him down.

I agree that using the friend as a go-between was creepy. While I can think of at least two girls I’ve seen in church that I would probably ask out given the chance, if I got rejected I would never ask a second time and I certainly wouldn’t use a buddy as a middleman.

 

[Xantippe]

Isn’t that the truth. This reminds me of a story my dad told me once. He is an evangelical Christian and used to go to this Pentecostal/charismatic type church before he met my mom. He said he was approached by a woman who told him that God had spoken to her through the Holy Spirit and told her that he and she have to get married. His response was priceless. “Well, he better talk to me about it first!”

Funny!

 

[Xantippe]

Also on the point of being shy, I am confident in many ways but it takes me a little time to feel I can open up around strangers. I think part of this is due to the abuse. It made me very wary. I am working on this with my counsellor but she’s advised that its ok to act on my instincts for now as they have kept me safe.

That’s very wise.

 

[LittleWay84]

Thank you all for your responses and prayers, I cannot tell you how much this means to me. I will pray for you all too.

Just a couple of points - I don’t think he necessarily asked his friend to introduce me, but once he knew what was going to happen (and he did know) he could have declined to put me in that awkward position again. Also the very fact his friend knew of his attraction for me (“he’s dying to meet you!”) meant there had been discussion. His friend is older than him and perhaps of a generation where there is no harm in “matchmaking” but there was a level of pressure that made me feel uncomfortable and put on the spot. To persist even when I said I was seeing someone, pretty much suggesting “I hope it doesn’t work out so my friend can pursue you” made me feel like my feelings or opinions mattered very little. I think the friend meant well and had no malice but perhaps didn’t think of my feelings or that the situation he placed me in was unfair. His wife had apparently pleaded with him not to approach me to arrange the meeting and was very angry at him for not listening to her.

Catholic1954 - When you said You should take time out now to deal with your childhood abuse issues before you jump into a relationship. - I completely agree and feel this is what God is asking of me now. I need a period of healing before I can give of myself in a way that is expected of a wife and, God willing, mother.

I managed to attend a wonderful church this evening, run by Jesuits. I received the sacrament of confession and communion and felt as if I was truly absolved and felt God’s healing Love outpouring. It was a truly beautiful experience. I hope you are all blessed enough to feel the same this Christmas. I couldn’t think of a better gift this year.

 

[EasterJoy]

I think you’re making a little too much of this. There is an old saying that “a roof constitutes an introduction.” That referred to the roof of a private party–that is, no one else at the party of a friend ought to be considered a stranger–but to some extent it also applies to fellow parishioners. You are about as close as two stranger invited to the same party.

That does not mean by any means that you ought to trust everyone who belongs to your parish! No, it just means that you should accept that they ought to feel free to approach you without a third party to introduce you. Just as if you met them at a wedding reception, you have ever right to set your distance and let them cope with the boundaries you set.

In your place, I’d probably just smile and say I was not looking to meet any men at church–yes, you’re busy, but you didn’t really turn him down because you were busy, did you?–but “thank you” for thinking I looked like a person worth getting to know and that perhaps I’d see him around the parish. After the second incident, I’d smile and say, “Oh, we’ve met. I’m not looking to meet any men at church. Thanks, but no thanks!”

Still, I don’t think you did anything wrong. It was an awkward situation; those happen when people try to meet new people, sometimes. No harm done. I agree that looking for help with the issues that will interfere with your hope to get married and have a family ought to be a top priority. No matter what your vocation, you’ll want to get to work on that.

 

[Sunbreak]

I don’t think you did anything wrong at all. It’s good to be careful. One of my favorite crime writers wrote one of her true stories about a man who would deliberately go to churches to find his victim women. So, just because it’s in church doesn’t mean he’s “safe”.

 

[EasterJoy]

I don’t think you did anything wrong at all. It’s good to be careful. One of my favorite crime writers wrote one of her true stories about a man who would deliberately go to churches to find his victim women. So, just because it’s in church doesn’t mean he’s “safe”.

That goes to show that one ought to be careful everywhere, yes. Predators sometimes work very hard to cultivate trust in their victims. I would not jump to any hasty conclusions about a guy who asks women at church if they’d like to go out some time, because there aren’t many opportunities to get to know other parishioners in a more natural way. Asking if someone if she’d be interested in talking over at the after-Mass coffee and doughnuts in the parish hall is less intimidating, though!

I don’t think it would matter to the OP. She doesn’t want to meet eligible men at church, at least not through direct self-introduction.

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

Not all parishes do after-Mass coffee and donuts. So it can be awkward building familiarity enough to ask for a date without coming off like a creep. Also it doesn’t help introverted men (like myself). I’ve done it but it’s more work than I care to do because the women in my parishes never pay attention to me in the first place, I am not that good looking hence I have to elicit their attention to get a conversation going. So I tend to do better with secular women.

 

[Xantippe]

Not all parishes do after-Mass coffee and donuts. So it can be awkward building familiarity enough to ask for a date without coming off like a creep. Also it doesn’t help introverted men (like myself). I’ve done it but it’s more work than I care to do because the women in my parishes never pay attention to me in the first place, I am not that good looking hence I have to elicit their attention to get a conversation going. So I tend to do better with secular women.

Well, isn’t part of the issue that with women outside of church, you normally have some more obvious points of contact (so to speak)?

If you’re dancing, you can talk about dancing and music, if you’re doing amateur astronomy or boardgames you can talk about amateur astronomy or boardgames, but the list of safe topics for coffee-and-donut hour is much more limited. Plus, it really isn’t an hour–it’s typically 15 minutes, tops. Plus, there’s often not a lot of continuity in who shows up at particular Masses, so you might not see the same person very regularly.

Hence, trying to strike up a romance (or even a friendship) at the parish coffee hour is the social equivalent of Luke Skywalker’s hit on the Death Star’s thermal exhaust shaft–a lucky individual might manage, but most will fail miserably. (I’ve actually never made a close friend at church (either Protestant or Catholic), although I have gone to church with lots of close friends over the years.)

A parish reading group or other co-ed Catholic group that meets regularly might be a better option. You get more opportunities to discover common interests that way.

 

[ProVobis]

I think these things happen all the time and by both sexes.

I would have just said, “I’m deeply flattered but…” or something like that.

 

[EasterJoy]

Not all parishes do after-Mass coffee and donuts. So it can be awkward building familiarity enough to ask for a date without coming off like a creep. Also it doesn’t help introverted men (like myself). I’ve done it but it’s more work than I care to do because the women in my parishes never pay attention to me in the first place, I am not that good looking hence I have to elicit their attention to get a conversation going. So I tend to do better with secular women.

This is particularly true in a parish where only married people ever volunteer. Parish socials and things like singles groups are important, but sometimes shy people would rather just try a one-on-one. They don’t want the audience they get at a parish gathering.

Parishioners in all but the smallest parishes have to admit that some of their fellow parishioners are total strangers. Some even have “name tag Sundays” from time to time, because when you’ve seen somebody and talked to someone in the next stanchion–er, pew–through a liturgical year or two it is embarrassing to ask what his or her name is! Add on to this that some shy people would rather look for social contacts in one parish over, since they can’t stand the idea of being turned down by someone they’re going to see every week at their home parish!

This is why it is good to allow some latitude on these things. Let people introduce themselves and ask whether the other party has any interest in some social contact, and let those who are asked demur without any ill feelings or embarrassment. Otherwise, how can two people who have noticed each other but never spoken ever connect? How can someone feel safe getting in and out of church if anyone can corner him or her whether she wants to get to know someone new or not? That would be a shame! It is better to be able to ask and to just know that it is OK that sometimes the answer will be “no, thanks, but no.”

 

[ZellieFan]

I wish someone would make small talk with me after mass and ask me out.

 

[EasterJoy]

I wish someone would make small talk with me after mass and ask me out.

You see, OP? There are other shy people who are dying to have some other shy Catholic at church ask them out. A lot of us don’t have many chances to meet someone suitable.

In the ideal world, this person will “come with papers”–you’ll know people they know in the parish, and you find you have both impressed just the right kind of people as the kind of person they’d want to meet each other. You have to be willing to hear some "no"s and to have things not work out with the first person you strike up a conversation with, but such is life.

It has to be OK to say, “no, thanks, but no,” however. Everyone has to be able to trust their intuition and their comfort level. That is only fair.

 

[LongingSoul]

Also on the point of being shy, I am confident in many ways but it takes me a little time to feel I can open up around strangers. I think part of this is due to the abuse. It made me very wary. I am working on this with my counsellor but she’s advised that its ok to act on my instincts for now as they have kept me safe.

Childhood abuse plays a huge part in adult difficulties with relationships. Your counsellor was right to advise you to continue to go with your instincts and work on your issues in the background. With a child who has been taken advantage by an older person, there can be an atrophying effect on your feeling of power to choose and ability to make decisions in a relationship. You might feel it safer to keep yourself away from a relationship rather than give things a go knowing that you can choose at any point that it isn’t what you want. Some people even go into marriage because they are afraid to choose not to.

Having said that, I myself wouldn’t say yes to a date with someone I’d never met before and knew nothing about. I think that sometimes even nice men are prone to ‘trapping’ a woman to ensure success and that can then define the relationship as it goes on.

 

[1990Domer]

This is my first time posting on Catholic Answers Forum, though I have read posts in the past. You have all been very kind, thank you. God bless you all.

I am sure this man is not on the Autistic Spectrum (I teach children and adults with Autism) and I take it more that he has come from a secular dating background and now in his forties wants to settle down with a “nice girl” and maybe thought church was the place to do this. I too was discouraged by the fact that he was not at church long before he approached me then disappeared for two years after he asked me out.

I think it is a fair point to make that it is more unfair to lead someone on by agreeing to go on a date because you don’t want them to have hurt feelings than to turn someone down.

Also, I know the point made about being shy is a valid one. I just prefer to get to know I feel comfortable around someone before I feel ok about being pursued in a romantic sense. I think this is why I feel happier around the man I am getting to know at the moment. There is absolutely no pressure and I know, no matter what, he is pursuing God most of all so I have greater trust of him.

God bless you on the work you do for those on the spectrum. You are obviously caring and patient, as it takes those qualities to work with these special kiddos and adults.

And thank you for not labeling the man who asked you out. I’m sure you know that many people can be socially awkward and/or scared when it comes to the dating realm.

I think God will make it clear to you what He desires. I think I would have reacted much the same way you did.

 

[Mongo]

I see no problem with asking someone out after mass. What is a Catholic man supposed to do to meet a Catholic woman? There are very few churches that have singles groups or any social groups that include younger people. So I say any place and time is valid to meet and ask a girl out. It isn’t easy to meet people during or after mass, but if someone does good for them.

It is much easier to meet people in secular situations. It is easier to find something to talk about while dancing or some other activity. But chances are they won’t be a devout Catholic.

 

[PolarGuy]

DURING Mass, Mongo??? How about the communion line while we’re at it?!? That’s absurd.

 

[Mongo]

DURING Mass, Mongo??? How about the communion line while we’re at it?!? That’s absurd.

During mass isn’t a great place. But there is nothing wrong with after mass.

 

[randomuser]

–While socially inept men can eventually make lovely husbands (given enough elbow-grease), it doesn’t sound like that kind of “project” is right for you. I am especially concerned about “projects” that are 40+ years old.

Well, there’s a thoughtful kick in the head for the 40+ single Catholic males – as if 40+ and single isn’t enough of a “red flag” in the “secular” world, it’s a “red flag” in Catholic circles, too?

Wow…I’m just…wow. 40+ is the minimum age at many Catholic parishes for their “singles” activities since there’s nothing whatsoever for singles UNDER 40. How’s that for a “project”? And, no, I’m certainly not going to volunteer for it now, since you and (presumably others) have already pegged me as a stalker.

What especially concerns me - outdated stereotypes about people. I really gotta feel for this guy who has already been demonized as a stalker and a creep – anyone want to throw in a ‘Dateline To Catch a Predator’ reference, too, for good measure? Catholics are the very last people with any grounds upon which to be preaching about propriety and singles.