Being asked out by a stranger at mass?

  • Thread starter Thread starter LittleWay84
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
randomuser said:
Well, there’s a thoughtful kick in the head for the 40+ single Catholic males – as if 40+ and single isn’t enough of a “red flag” in the “secular” world, it’s a “red flag” in Catholic circles, too?

Wow…I’m just…wow. 40+ is the minimum age at many Catholic parishes for their “singles” activities since there’s nothing whatsoever for singles UNDER 40. How’s that for a “project”? And, no, I’m certainly not going to volunteer for it now, since you and (presumably others) have already pegged me as a stalker.

What especially concerns me - outdated stereotypes about people. I really gotta feel for this guy who has already been demonized as a stalker and a creep – anyone want to throw in a ‘Dateline To Catch a Predator’ reference, too, for good measure? Catholics are the very last people with any grounds upon which to be preaching about propriety and singles. 😦
Click to expand...
Wow.

A couple points:

–I was talking primarily about the OP’s situation. She has a history of childhood abuse. Hence, taking on a “project” significant other might be psychologically damaging for her. It might be especially important for a person with her history to have a significant other who can stand on his own feet, rather than leaning on her.
–Even without that kind of history, parenting your husband is kind of a bummer. It’s like pushing a fully loaded shopping cart with a broken wheel.
–The guy doesn’t sound like he’s a big churchgoer.
–I was talking about the combination of being over 40 AND socially inept. If a person has gotten to 40 without acquiring a few social graces, it’s likely that this is as good as he’s ever going to get. The nice thing about middle aged people is that we are what-you-see-is-what-you-get. But the downside is that we’re very unlikely to improve substantially.
–If he were here, I’d tell him to get some social skills. See a therapist, read etiquette books, read advice columns, etc.
–It might be a little different if he seemed to be a serious Catholic or if the OP were either older or younger, but as an early 30-something, the OP is not at a good age for dilly dallying waiting for a middle aged man to grow up.
 
I write as someone who once basically started a “young Catholic singles” group at my parish and who would advertise these events (via church bulletin in my and neighboring parish bulletins):

If you can’t meet someone nice, the “remedy” is not to turn Mass into a meet market where the minute the Mass is over you walk up to someone and blindly (and awkwardly) ask them out: That is not the purpose of Mass, and it is certainly not Mass’s function to be a place for the socially awkward to meet people (if you call that “meeting people”).

Instead, the remedy may be to do what I did and arrange a “dinner at a local restaurant after mass;” advertise it; and run it; then repeat every 3 weeks if need be. People will show up. Sometimes it will be 12 men and 2 women; sometimes it will be the reverse. Or the remedy may be to, as Xan suggested, read etiquette books and basically lose your awkwardness. My point is that Mass does not exist as a remedy for the unhappily single.

I also met my smart, professional (MA degree), beautiful wife at one of these functions, and she asked me out first. If women are going to wait to be asked out, they may wait a long time. This falls into the category of “if you don’t want to be alone, you have to do something about it,” and the something isn’t “tell yourself you’re awkward and clumsily ask someone out the minute Mass is over,” or “hang out after Mass and hope you get approached.” Those are recipes for being alone.
 
PolarGuy said:
I write as someone who once basically started a “young Catholic singles” group at my parish and who would advertise these events (via church bulletin in my and neighboring parish bulletins):

If you can’t meet someone nice, the “remedy” is not to turn Mass into a meet market where the minute the Mass is over you walk up to someone and blindly (and awkwardly) ask them out: That is not the purpose of Mass, and it is certainly not Mass’s function to be a place for the socially awkward to meet people (if you call that “meeting people”).

Instead, the remedy may be to do what I did and arrange a “dinner at a local restaurant after mass;” advertise it; and run it; then repeat every 3 weeks if need be. People will show up. Sometimes it will be 12 men and 2 women; sometimes it will be the reverse. Or the remedy may be to, as Xan suggested, read etiquette books and basically lose your awkwardness. My point is that Mass does not exist as a remedy for the unhappily single.

I also met my smart, professional (MA degree), beautiful wife at one of these functions, and she asked me out first. If women are going to wait to be asked out, they may wait a long time. This falls into the category of “if you don’t want to be alone, you have to do something about it,” and the something isn’t “tell yourself you’re awkward and clumsily ask someone out the minute Mass is over,” or “hang out after Mass and hope you get approached.” Those are recipes for being alone.
Click to expand...
I really like the advertised dinner after Mass thing–that way you’re guaranteed to meet people that want to meet people.
 
Xan, I met my wife at a “Mass followed by dinner at an Outback Steakhouse.” I said it before and I do so with personal experience: Young Catholics, of whatever age you specify, will attend these events. They fill a need, as this thread make evident. It can be a leap of faith to actually try to run these events, and a “12-to-2 gender spread” can be hard (if you’re on the wrong end, that is!), but it works, and the parishes where I advertised them would always put notices in their bulletins when I asked them.
 
I concur. While asking someone whom you don’t know after Mass may be awkward for both parties, what else is one supposed to do? If there was any other avenue for them to meet, like social groups and the like, but that’s not always the case.

I myself wouldn’t mind if a guy who saw me at Mass or some other church function would ask me out. It would only be creepy if I find him creepy. If I found him to be someone that I saw at Mass frequently and am interested in meeting, then I would be more than happy that he made a move and is interested in getting to know me too. Please cut singles who want to get married and are serious about marriage some slack.
Mongo said:
I see no problem with asking someone out after mass. What is a Catholic man supposed to do to meet a Catholic woman? There are very few churches that have singles groups or any social groups that include younger people. So I say any place and time is valid to meet and ask a girl out. It isn’t easy to meet people during or after mass, but if someone does good for them.

It is much easier to meet people in secular situations. It is easier to find something to talk about while dancing or some other activity. But chances are they won’t be a devout Catholic.
Click to expand...
 
I think you did the right thing.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with introducing yourself to someone after Mass or maybe getting to know a person and building up an acquaintanceship with them through one of the ministries or social functions that a parish has to offer, but immediately asking for a name and a date just strikes me as odd. Like other posters have said, he could have just been socially awkward.

However, as a few other posters noted, we should also exercise caution and realize that just because a stranger approaches you in a church, doesn’t mean that they’re safe. I’m not saying this was the case with this particular man, but if something feels “off”, follow your gut instinct as it very likely could be your guardian angel.
 
pianistclare said:
On the flip side, people on CAF are always telling single people that can only meet a good Catholic in church.
🤷

If you don’t like the guy, don’t feel bad.
but honestly, maybe he’s just looking for a nice Catholic woman.

A date can be just coffee in a public place. You can even have a friend at a nearby table if you get nervous. You can text them to come by your table.
But, if you’re seeing someone, that wouldn’t be nice either.

I kind of feel sorry for the guy.
Click to expand...
I agree with Clare.

Though I want to add that I am not from this.country so I can totally understand your shock because in my country no one.would do that. In the US.people.in that sense are a little.bit different on that sense so it is a bit of cultural shock. When I arrived here I was in complete shock that a stranger would out of the bloom made a comment to me. I was freaking out but over the years I have learned is cultural differences. People here do.talk to other strangers sometimes in an innocent way. So I just wanted to tell you for the future, just to relax a little. That does happen in this country and is mere cultural difference which you will get used to over time.
 
Thank you everyone, I’ve just caught up with the replies from the past few days.

marymary1975 - I understand your point about having to adjust to a culture but I do not live in the US. The country I live in (and was born in) is more conservative in that you would not just approach a stranger and ask them for a date. I have in the past spent a lot of time in the US where it is more common for strangers to approach you and make small talk etc. It was a big surprise as here, unless you live in a small village where everyone already knows each other, even to say hello or good morning to a stranger can be seen as “weird”. I actually think thats a great shame about the society I live in but I think it shows that, taking this culture into account, being instantly approached and asked for a date is very much out of the ordinary.

I do take all the points about me having to relax. I’m not sure I’d ever feel comfortable spending one to one time with a total stranger but its something to consider. I have already said that were someone to talk to me regularly at mass and then ask me for coffee, then I would be more likely to accept but I stand by the point that I don’t think I would agree to go on a date with someone who I knew nothing about and who had asked me so abruptly.

PolarGuy - I think your suggestion about after mass dinner is a very good one and, I would most likely attend something like that were I interested in a romantic relationship.

The man was there again this Sunday but luckily seemed to leave before me. His friend however waited until I came out of church (he was stood at the door beside the priest) and said to my mother, “He will have her yet.” and I overheard him say something to the priest along the lines of " here she comes, this is the girl for my friend." It seems he is determined to see his friend married to me and has little regard for my feelings on the matter. I think this man (the friend) may have trouble with his mental health and that could explain his behaviour but still…it does make me feel uncomfortable and embarrassed. Like he is trying to wear me down until I eventually agree to a date.

Its made me consider whether in my ministry at church I’ve done anything to draw attention to myself. I feel at church I dress in a way befitting my fairly young age whilst still being modest and conservative although I do wear some makeup. I have had unwelcome attention in the past at church. From the age of 15 for many years, I was stalked by a man who was almost 30 and as a result I had to leave that church as I was scared of him and couldn’t focus on mass. He had a history of that kind of behaviour. I’ve also had a man at my current church who is in his 60s send me Valentines cards a few years ago. Unlike the US, here you don’t send Valentines to friends, they are only for people you have a romantic interest in which the man later admitted was his reason for sending the cards. I wondering am I doing something in church which is distracting and so I am praying over it, to not draw attention to myself unnecessarily.

I’m continuing to pray about relationships and trying to discern whether God truly wants me to marry and have children. I’ve started a novena and I’m reading an Ignatian book about making important life decisions. I realise that biologically I don’t have a lot of time left to mess around. I always wanted to be a mother and a wife and thats how I always saw my future. I prayed constantly for a spouse. It’s only recently things have changed and I’ve started to fear relationships. If honest, I feel its since I had my heart broken a year ago and also since I started to face up to my past in counselling.

So far, I feel in my heart that I am still supposed to marry and have children but that right now there is more important work at hand. Its a painful and difficult time but I can feel its a time of growth. I feel God is asking me to trust that, if it is meant to be, the right person will show up at the right time.
 
LittleWay84:

This has been a productive thread…here are a few points.

First, as a man, I agree that women find it “creepy” when a man they just met says, “hello, would you like to go out sometime?” without having any familiarity with the woman beforehand. Years ago, I belonged to a singles’ group where there were some guys who ended up scaring off some of the women by being too forward, particularly at a happy hour or a dance. It was a problem because many of the women would not return to the singles’ group after an experience where guys were being too forward. If the women aren’t comfortable, they will leave.

Second, I have met some nice women in Church, but usually through friends or through some kind of social or service event. That way, you get to know someone over time. I made quite a few friends of both sexes through a Young Adult group that are still part of my circle today. I have also met a few women after Mass, just by making small talk outside of Church, opening a door, extending a smile, etc., or through another friend. That’s part of socialization, and building up a rapport. (Guys, try it, it works). I try to make friends with those who I can tell have a prayer life (i.e. if your a woman who rushes to the parking lot after communion, take the extra ten minutes to stay throughout the Mass, and don’t yell at a cute guy who held a door open) and I do notice a woman who is properly dressed for Mass (yes, you can be fashionable and modest). I’m also careful to be age appropriate (most of you who read my threads earlier know this…45 year old men do not approach a 25 year old socially). When I do meet someone for the first time, it’s normally a short hello, a comment about the Mass, or some small talk … I think some women today would find it “creepy” if a man asked a woman for a phone number after a first meeting with just small talk, even though it worked on old television shows like The Brady Bunch and CHiPs, which goes to show that television is not real life.

Third, I have heard that some women say, “I don’t like to meet men at church.” A friend of mine actually had a woman at church that he was trying to get to know a little better tell him, “I don’t like to meet men at church”, and he was crushed.

Fourth, I’ve had a few dates with some Catholic women that I met online. A couple of times we met up at a parish that had a Saturday evening Mass (say, at 5:00 p.m.) and after Mass, the two of us went to dinner at a local restaurant. Meeting up for Mass was a good setting, and it wasn’t as awkward or intimidating.

Fifth, PolarGuy had it right all along. There are some good Young Adult groups where meeting up for dinner or lunch after Mass at a local restaurant is a good place to meet - and people do come. I do agree that sometimes the ratio is 10:2, but that’s a chance to take. I commend PolarGuy for putting himself out there too.
 
I met my husband at church.

I was 17yo and a helper in the Communion class at CCD. It was Sunday, and all the kids were celebrating their First Communion. There was a little party for them after mass in the auditorium and their families were also invited.
One of the communicants brother was visiting and was there. Never saw him in my life lol.

The following Sunday he was at church, and after church he got his little sister to ask for my number (he was and still is shy)! He called me that night and asked me out.

That was 13 years ago!
 
Man 1: She’s obviously very reverent, she’s faithful, of course she’s nice-looking. I wish I could meet someone like that.
Man 2: Why don’t you ask her out?
Man 1: I couldn’t do that.
Man 2: Why not? What is the worst thing that could happen?

This was** not **well thought-through. It says something favorable about the man that there are actually other parishioners trying to help him find someone. At least he’s not a loner and not some stranger stalking though Catholic churches. Having said that, no one wants this to become the model for how a single Catholic man goes about meeting Catholic women who are generous in serving the Church.

There was nothing wrong with what the OP did, but if she ever gets a chance for more honest feedback–that is, a normal American woman will instinctively find this way of initiating a relationship raises red flags–that would be doing him a favor.
 
Personally, I don’t think it is appropriate to ask someone out during or after Mass in church.
In the parish hall, at a church even, that I can see.

Don’t feel bad about not going on a date with this man. You are already seeing someone.

I agree with CompSciGuy’s comments earlier in the thread.
 
What an interesting thread! I’m glad I stumbled on it!

As a young-ish (30-something) single Catholic woman who attends Mass regularly, I get approached fairly regularly by men of varying ages. Some are more subtle than others - they just engage me in conversation and suggest a coffee sometime - while others are a little more forthright. There was actually one man who interrupted me when I stayed behind after Mass to pray the rosary to ask me if I wanted to go out for breakfast - middle of the second decade or so. Wasn’t feeling especially charitable that day.

I understand both sides of the coin. On the one hand, you can’t meet people if you don’t ask. On the other hand, as the recipient, it can be awkward if it is a small church and you keep running into that person - and they keep asking.

I think it takes some delicacy and tact to handle this situation. If you’re going to refuse, refuse kindly, but clearly. If you’re going to ask, find the least intimidating and intrusive way to do that (don’t interrupt private prayers), and accept even a subtle rejection graciously.
 
EasterJoy said:
Man 1: She’s obviously very reverent, she’s faithful, of course she’s nice-looking. I wish I could meet someone like that.
Man 2: Why don’t you ask her out?
Man 1: I couldn’t do that.
Man 2: Why not? What is the worst thing that could happen?

This was** not **well thought-through. It says something favorable about the man that there are actually other parishioners trying to help him find someone. At least he’s not a loner and not some stranger stalking though Catholic churches. Having said that, no one wants this to become the model for how a single Catholic man goes about meeting Catholic women who are generous in serving the Church.

There was nothing wrong with what the OP did, but if she ever gets a chance for more honest feedback–that is, a normal American woman will instinctively find this way of initiating a relationship raises red flags–that would be doing him a favor.
Click to expand...
Actually EasterJoy, I think there is good chance that he IS “some stranger stalking through Catholic churches”. As I said in my OP, he’d only been attending mass for a few weeks before he asked me out and when I explained I was busy studying, he didn’t come back for almost two years and when he did it wasn’t long before he approached me again (the second time he had come to mass in two years!). And now, he has disappeared yet again. He attended the week after he approached me with his friend (who it turns out is actually a family member) and he hasn’t been back again since. Although, as I’ve pointed out before, I am not an American woman, that kind of pattern only raises more red flags for me and makes me feel more certain I did the right thing.

As with the man who approached Casslean mid-rosary, it suggests to me that this man may not take his faith as seriously as I would hope for in a potential boyfriend/husband.

With all due respect, I feel that it should not be my place to educate a man a decade my senior in propriety or etiquette in how to approach women.

Bottom line, after having a few weeks to reflect, I know I absolutely did the right thing for me in not agreeing to go on a date with this man. I do not think it is appropriate to approach someone for a date** at **mass. Ever. I think its perfectly fine to chat to someone, make small talk for a little while and get to know them over a period of a few weeks, after mass, outside the church (i.e in the parking lot, at the tea/refreshments at the parish centre) or better still at one of the parish groups. But, ultimately, in church, during/immediately after mass - I do think it is disrespectful. It’s God’s house, a place of prayer. People continue praying after mass and I do think the church should be treated with reverence and respect. It’s not a singles bar. And as other’s have suggested, if people have a problem with that let them arrange a dinner or get together outside of church. Its easy to advertise in a church bulletin or on the parish noticeboard.

Surely its common sense to know when is and when is not appropriate to ask someone for a date? Casslean, I feel sorry for you! It must be very distracting attending mass and keeping running into people who have previously asked you out :(.
 
LittleWay84 said:
Actually EasterJoy, I think there is good chance that he IS “some stranger stalking through Catholic churches”. As I said in my OP, he’d only been attending mass for a few weeks before he asked me out and when I explained I was busy studying, he didn’t come back for almost two years and when he did it wasn’t long before he approached me again (the second time he had come to mass in two years!). And now, he has disappeared yet again. He attended the week after he approached me with his friend (who it turns out is actually a family member) and he hasn’t been back again since. Although, as I’ve pointed out before, I am not an American woman, that kind of pattern only raises more red flags for me and makes me feel more certain I did the right thing.

As with the man who approached Casslean mid-rosary, it suggests to me that this man may not take his faith as seriously as I would hope for in a potential boyfriend/husband.

With all due respect, I feel that it should not be my place to educate a man a decade my senior in propriety or etiquette in how to approach women.

Bottom line, after having a few weeks to reflect, I know I absolutely did the right thing for me in not agreeing to go on a date with this man. I do not think it is appropriate to approach someone for a date** at **mass. Ever. I think its perfectly fine to chat to someone, make small talk for a little while and get to know them over a period of a few weeks, after mass, outside the church (i.e in the parking lot, at the tea/refreshments at the parish centre) or better still at one of the parish groups. But, ultimately, in church, during/immediately after mass - I do think it is disrespectful. It’s God’s house, a place of prayer. People continue praying after mass and I do think the church should be treated with reverence and respect. It’s not a singles bar. And as other’s have suggested, if people have a problem with that let them arrange a dinner or get together outside of church. Its easy to advertise in a church bulletin or on the parish noticeboard.

Surely its common sense to know when is and when is not appropriate to ask someone for a date? Casslean, I feel sorry for you! It must be very distracting attending mass and keeping running into people who have previously asked you out :(.
Click to expand...
He is not yours to fix. Suffice it to say that many are not born with a sense of how their social overtures appear to others. It is one thing to approach someone when you have some indication that she has “noticed” you, too. It is one thing to try to find ways to get her to “notice” you. To ask someone point-blank if she’d like to go on a date when you have to bet she couldn’t have picked you out from a line-up is usually going to be a ill-fated gamble.

Having said that, parishes are trying more and more to find ways for unmarried parishioners with an interest in making acquaintances that could lead to marriage or even companionship to find each other and yet avoid bothering those with no interest in any such thing. Helping the parish priest out by taking some role he wants filled at Mass is not one of them. People in that situation need to be much more careful to avoid trapping someone who did not volunteer in order to make social contacts or meet people of the opposite sex.
 
randomuser said:
Well, there’s a thoughtful kick in the head for the 40+ single Catholic males – as if 40+ and single isn’t enough of a “red flag” in the “secular” world, it’s a “red flag” in Catholic circles, too?

Wow…I’m just…wow. 40+ is the minimum age at many Catholic parishes for their “singles” activities since there’s nothing whatsoever for singles UNDER 40. How’s that for a “project”? And, no, I’m certainly not going to volunteer for it now, since you and (presumably others) have already pegged me as a stalker.

What especially concerns me - outdated stereotypes about people. I really gotta feel for this guy who has already been demonized as a stalker and a creep – anyone want to throw in a ‘Dateline To Catch a Predator’ reference, too, for good measure? Catholics are the very last people with any grounds upon which to be preaching about propriety and singles. 😦
Click to expand...
I agree with everything you say. It seems to be that most single groups are aimed at older people not looking to end their singledom but to be content with it and to try and convince each other to ignore their God given desire for marriage.
 
LittleWay84, I’ve read all your posts in this thread and the posts to you. I’m with the many here who think you are doing just fine listening to your instincts on this. The fact is we are saturated in a secular mindset about dating in the world today and for it to have affected the attitude of some men who see you in the parish is no surprise. The 40ish guy’s friend is particularly creepy and it might do you well to say to the unwelcome matchmaker directly: “Please stop. I don’t like that at all.” If he makes such comments in front of others you can correct him in front them, be it your mother, the priest, or anyone else, “I find that kind of attention unwelcome. Please don’t do that any more.”

I had a bad experience with a first marriage, and after that fell apart, I was a young Mom and did not want to date especially since the ex was living with his paramour, and I wanted our child to have one parent that was all-in. That was a priority, and also I realized that I sure made a mistake picking that husband, and I did *not *trust myself to *ever *pick one again. Perhaps God wanted me to stay single all of my life? I made up my mind to NOT DATE, maybe forever, until I was sure what God wanted for me. I thought perhaps He might want me to be a nun someday, so, I better learn to be happy alone in case He wanted to call me that way some day.

And being an alone single parent was oftentimes lonely, as I am sure sometimes in different ways your life is lonely at times, too. However, God sustained me, as I know He is sustaining you, and will continue to.

At the end of my child’s high school, shortly after a dramatically major emotional/spiritual healing, that I had felt God call me to seek, that took place over the course of a weekend, I met and fell in love really hard and really fast with my now-husband. I was not looking to date, in no way, and he did not seem like someone I would have picked to date if I were picking! But it was out of my hands, truly God did this thing that I did not pick… We had many obstacles, which began to fall as it was clear this was God’s will. We were married in the Church less than two years ago and not one day has there been a doubt that God wants us together. We are so happy. Although I had seen long-happily married couples, I just never imagined I could be one. Never pictured it. But its us, and its pretty amazing.

God really is the best matchmaker, and so I suggest you go with him. 🙂 It really worked for me! No dating at all. This is not for everyone, but I knew it was for me (I dated plenty in college. I really had a pick who to marry. And I picked wrong. This time I wanted to be QUITE sure God picked). You have to decide what is right for you - not-dating was my choice, and what is your boundary is your choice. Going with not dating anyone unless you really feel right seems like a good suggestion under your circumstances. You can always just be quick to say “No, thank you” if something doesn’t feel right, since you can usually go back and change your mind anyway. Yes, take a “just say no” attitude if that’s what your instincts are telling you, and you don’t owe anyone an explanation for why you are disinterested. You can always say a prayer after, “God, if that was not what you wanted, please make it clear.” If you are trusting Him with your dating life, and you want Him to be clear, He will be unquestionably clear!

God was clear with me. His timing was different from mine. I figured dating for me, if God did not want me for another vocation, would be not till my child was done with college and married! Also, I thought God would be more methodical about showing me my husband. I expected, far in the future, it would be like a nice Catholic man showing up at my door one day saying, “God wants us to marry” and I would say, “I don’t think so” and he would go about proving God said it, somehow. I completely did not expect that it would be me falling completely hopelessly in love. I truly was not wanting it at the time, and tried to *will *it to go away, but I could *not *make it go away. I was confused at first, but God had ways of assuring me that this was all-okay by Him.🙂

Also my husband wasn’t looking for anyone, either, I should say. He just accepted his lot in life, which didn’t look so very great at the time I met him. But he had prayed the shorter Divine Office (not so short!) every single day and The Angelus 3x a day for nearly 30 years, and I think you just can’t out-give God in generosity. 🙂

Also I want to say that God’s clock is even better-timed than your biological one, too, so I suggest you give Him your clock, too. That’s a lot to trust Him with, I know, but I am confident He won’t let you down with anything you entrust Him with. 🙂
Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves. - Matthew 10:16
.
.
.
 
XenaFan said:
It is a common stereotype in the Christian world that Catholics treat their adult singles badly while other Christian groups make serving singles a priority.
Click to expand...
Until the Protestant singles turn 30-35.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top