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Eliza10
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Oh, I had not heard this.
Hmm, yes, probably. I have seen more of the Protestant tradition on this and this seems to be true.
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SuperLuigi
Guest
The problem is really all on his end. It’s Dating 101 not to just come up to girl (well, if you are a celebrity you could get away with it) and ask her out.
There was clearly no flirting, no rapport and no get-to-know you conversation.
Your response was exactly what I would expect and nothing unusual.
Also, be very careful about going against your better instincts/judgement and chalking it up to God. I can’t speak for God, but I don’t see anything wrong with you turning him down. He needs to learn that you don’t just go up to a girl and ask her out like that.
I don’t know if it is disrespectful to ask someone out at Church (obviously not during Mass or appropriate times of silence), because I think outside of Church or in a Church group could be a good place to ask someone out. I don’t want to discourage other Catholics from socializing or dating with people they meet at Church, and it beats going to the bar to find dates.
The problem I have is that it just came out of the blue and your reaction is exactly what I would expect as a guy.
It sounds like you are on a good path right now and should put this asking you out in Church incidence behind you.
There was clearly no flirting, no rapport and no get-to-know you conversation.
Your response was exactly what I would expect and nothing unusual.
Also, be very careful about going against your better instincts/judgement and chalking it up to God. I can’t speak for God, but I don’t see anything wrong with you turning him down. He needs to learn that you don’t just go up to a girl and ask her out like that.
I don’t know if it is disrespectful to ask someone out at Church (obviously not during Mass or appropriate times of silence), because I think outside of Church or in a Church group could be a good place to ask someone out. I don’t want to discourage other Catholics from socializing or dating with people they meet at Church, and it beats going to the bar to find dates.
The problem I have is that it just came out of the blue and your reaction is exactly what I would expect as a guy.
It sounds like you are on a good path right now and should put this asking you out in Church incidence behind you.
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SuperLuigi
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It may not be creepy per se, but at the very least it’s just a really bad technique. Little Way’s response and thought process is very common for that.
Women in general are not going to date men they are not comfortable with, and if women don’t know the men, it’s hard to be truly comfortable.
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Sarcelle
Guest
Then they become invisible at best and outcasts at worst.
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Redd_Jackal
Guest
IMHO, it is inappropriate to be flirting or “hooking up” at Mass. Go to Catholic Singles next time.
Believe me. The touchey-feeley culture in some parishes seems to enable stalkers and otherwise rude behavior when it wouldn’t happen otherwise. In recent years this poster has been poked, prodded, nudged, grabbed, slapped, and asked to make small talk–all in the name of the newfound sacrament of ‘unity’.
Believe me. The touchey-feeley culture in some parishes seems to enable stalkers and otherwise rude behavior when it wouldn’t happen otherwise. In recent years this poster has been poked, prodded, nudged, grabbed, slapped, and asked to make small talk–all in the name of the newfound sacrament of ‘unity’.
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LittleWay84
Guest
I’m sorry to hear of your experiences, Redd. I agree things can get out of hand, people can think that just attending church gives them the right to be a nuisance! You deserve to be treated with greater respect.
The man in my OP and his friend have not given me any trouble since I last posted. The man never actually came back to mass and his friend hasn’t approached me for a while.
Unfortunately, I was approached by another man last month. This time it was definitely more in the “creepy” territory. He is in his 50’s so at least 20 years older and as I was headed out of mass he said, “You are married aren’t you?”. He had never spoken to me before. Talk about a strange introduction. I replied, “May I ask WHY you asked me that question?” and he said, “Beacause I was thinking we could go for coffee.” I simply replied, “Sorry. No.”
Then last week I woke up to a text from my former college professor. Again 15/20 years older. Former Catholic, now atheist. I felt whilst I was studying, he behaved inappropriately towards me but I also thought he was just caring and I was vulnerable at the time and I thought he felt sorry for me. Once I graduated, he would invite me to games night at his house with other former students but I only went once as I felt quite awkward. Towards the end of the night, as I was leaving there was a prolonged hug and an attempt at a kiss when he walked me to my car. I don’t feel I’d led him on in anyway. Anyway, on Valentine’s weekend he sent a text out of the blue saying he would love for us to go for a coffee and that he was thinking of me etc. Again, I said it was good of him to think of me but I politely declined.
I don’t understand why I’m attracting all these older men all of a sudden. I keep asking myself am I doing something to draw attention to myself? I am not in a good place for a relationship especially as I am discerning. If I’m honest, I’ve given up all thoughts of a relationship until my counselling is over and I am in a healthier place emotionally and spiritually. I don’t know what is going on. A very spiritual friend that I have says she believes it is a test and that because I am so open to Gods will and praying for guidance that I could be attracting the devil? I find that very frightening.
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Xantippe
Guest
It may be that you’ve recently moved into an age category where they feel like you’re within reach.
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SuperLuigi
Guest
Do you see any examples of stalking on this thread? That’s a pretty serious accusation and generally involves certain malice.
I’ve also found it to be overused by some women…
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SuperLuigi
Guest
All of these actions you describe are not successful dating techniques by men.
I would like to reassure you that what you are experience may not be that unusual.
I don’t think you can blame yourself for any of this. What are you supposed to do? Be rude and make yourself look ugly and smelly?
Some of these men just may not have a clue what they are doing or just can’t take a hint.
I don’t know how much if any of it is the devil’s work. Ironically, the one thing that isn’t happening here is the men who feel attracted to you aren’t sitting around doing nothing about it, which is a problem elsewhere to be sure, but they way they are going about it isn’t good.
I sometimes wonder if a secular counsleor is telling them to do this and take these kind of chances.
In the case of your professor/educator: In places, having any kind of a relationship like that while in school could be scandalous and threaten his position.
So at the very least, it’s clear these men are not really thinking too much or maybe can’t control themselves— or they may just be getting bad advice.
I would just encourage you to avoid men like that continue to make your feelings clear. I know that women worry a lot about hurting a guys feelings, but men also have to realize that there are risks when asking someone out, namely that she will say NO, especially if it’s out of the blue.
Again, I cannot emphasize enough on here that you really have not mentioned anything where you would be at fault.
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St_Pancake
Guest
God could impose his will but rarely does.My RCIA instructors son is now my husband. He was there when I was confirmed as a Catholic, that’s where we first met…if he asked me out then I would have declined as you did.
Do not be too anxious. If it is part of Gods will for you, it will happen. Enjoy your time with your new friend.
Prayers ascending.
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oldrover
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That is kind of extreme language for this discussion IMHO… let’s say a single man at Mass sees a woman he is attracted to, and determines she is unattached. I don’t see anything wrong with him initiating casual conversation after Mass, and striking up an acquaintanceship over a few weeks. Then, at some point, asking her out for coffee (again, after Mass is over).
That’s not ‘flirting’ or ‘hooking up’. And I like seeing people get involved via church. Two of our ushers (a widower and a widow) recently started seeing each other. Every once in a while my wife and I see them holding hands at the back of the church. It’s IMHO adorable.
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SuperLuigi
Guest
Yes, but that is not what is happening here. She sounds quite uncomfortable, and the proper technique wouldn’t make her feel quite that way.That is kind of extreme language for this discussion IMHO… let’s say a single man at Mass sees a woman he is attracted to, and determines she is unattached. I don’t see anything wrong with him initiating casual conversation after Mass, and striking up an acquaintanceship over a few weeks. Then, at some point, asking her out for coffee (again, after Mass is over).
That’s not ‘flirting’ or ‘hooking up’. And I like seeing people get involved via church. Two of our ushers (a widower and a widow) recently started seeing each other. Every once in a while my wife and I see them holding hands at the back of the church. It’s IMHO adorable.
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LittleWay84
Guest
Thank you for your replies, SuperLuigi. I always find your responses reassuring and useful! I think you are right with regards to not encouraging/ prolonging contact with these men, especially as I am not interested in a relationship at the moment. I try not to make eye contact with any men at church and head off straight after mass anyway but the last two grabbed me at the only available opportunity! I.e as I was stepping off the altar or heading out the door to shake hands with the priest. I suppose nothing will stop those who are very determined.
Old Rover, I have said before that to a certain extent, I wouldn’t have minded as such if the original man in question had briefly chatted to me and over the course of a few weeks we had got to feel more comfortable to the point where it wouldn’t have been awkward to ask me out. However, in both cases these men who had never spoken to me before asked me out straight away. The first man, “What is your name? Do you want to go out sometime?” and the second man, “Are you married? I was thinking I could take you out for a coffee?”. The first man is not a regular parishioner. The 2nd man is old enough to be my father. I don’t think in either case their behaviour is appropriate. In the past, and possibly in the future, I’d be happy if a man (closer to my own age/generation) had approached me and struck up a casual conversation and continued to talk to me over the course of a few weeks THEN ask me to coffee after mass. But neither of these men did that. It was all a bit “You woman, me man!”.
Xantippe - maybe that is a valid point regarding my age as I’ve recently entered my 30s. I was always mistaken for being a lot younger, 6 or 7 years at least but maybe I’ve started to age a bit physically. Still… mid 50’s seems a bit off to me.
Old Rover, I have said before that to a certain extent, I wouldn’t have minded as such if the original man in question had briefly chatted to me and over the course of a few weeks we had got to feel more comfortable to the point where it wouldn’t have been awkward to ask me out. However, in both cases these men who had never spoken to me before asked me out straight away. The first man, “What is your name? Do you want to go out sometime?” and the second man, “Are you married? I was thinking I could take you out for a coffee?”. The first man is not a regular parishioner. The 2nd man is old enough to be my father. I don’t think in either case their behaviour is appropriate. In the past, and possibly in the future, I’d be happy if a man (closer to my own age/generation) had approached me and struck up a casual conversation and continued to talk to me over the course of a few weeks THEN ask me to coffee after mass. But neither of these men did that. It was all a bit “You woman, me man!”.
Xantippe - maybe that is a valid point regarding my age as I’ve recently entered my 30s. I was always mistaken for being a lot younger, 6 or 7 years at least but maybe I’ve started to age a bit physically. Still… mid 50’s seems a bit off to me.
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oldrover
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http://i.istockimg.com/file_thumbvi...15403146-cartoon-caveman-dragging-a-woman.jpg
You mean, this approach doesn’t work for you?!?! I’m shocked.
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LittleWay84
Guest
What can I say? I’m too fussy for my own goodhttp://i.istockimg.com/file_thumbvi...15403146-cartoon-caveman-dragging-a-woman.jpg
You mean, this approach doesn’t work for you?!?! I’m shocked.
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oldrover
Guest
Ironically, my wife of 29 years asked ME out, while we were both DJ’s at a radio station.
I said sure, as long as she would let ME ask HER out for a SECOND date. She told a friend later, “That’s when I knew I had him.” LOL… actually, kinda like the caveman thing…
https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/2154377672/cavewoman_dragging_office_man_400x400.jpg
…reversed.
I said sure, as long as she would let ME ask HER out for a SECOND date. She told a friend later, “That’s when I knew I had him.” LOL… actually, kinda like the caveman thing…
https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/2154377672/cavewoman_dragging_office_man_400x400.jpg
…reversed.
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