Being attracted to imperfection, a problem?

[DL82]

I guess I’ve always been more attracted to women who have had something that marked them out as not ‘conventionally’ attractive. I don’t know if it’s these ‘imperfections’ or the confidence that comes from the struggle to overcome them that draws me to them, but there you are.

Of my past girlfriends (both before my conversion), one was overweight, the other had a disability. I’m not saying I was attracted to them SOLELY because of these features, but I suppose it was part of what made them stand out from the crowd for me.

All the young Catholic ladies I know who take their faith seriously seem so, well, perfect. At least, physically. I know most people would wonder what the heck my problem is, being surrounded by so many conventionally attractive and spiritually mature young women and yet not being attracted to them. I ask myself sometimes if there’s an issue here. It’s not that I think ‘they’re out of my league’, I just don’t feel attracted.

Is there a moral problem with being attracted to women who have some kind of imperfection? I know those with a classical, objectivist view of aesthetics (those who would say classical music is objectively higher than folk music, baroque art objectively more beautiful than tribal art, etc.) would say that there’s a direct connection between ‘true’ beauty, defined by aspects such as symmetry, and the moral order. Personally, I don’t buy that particular kind of Platonist thinking.

All the same, I wonder whether this attraction hides some kind of desire for power or dominance, or a lack of self-esteem. Would appreciate your opinions.

Then of course, there’s that other old chesnut of whether attraction should be all that important in dating/courting at all? Opinions?

 

[withwind]

All the same, I wonder whether this attraction hides some kind of desire for power or dominance, or a lack of self-esteem.

That is a very good thought! if this is true, I wonder if it is due to insecurity?
On the other hand, it can also part of your heart having compassion for those whom others might not be intersted in.

I think you will take a lot of time for reflection and praying and spiritual direction. In time, you will know yourself better.

 

[srlucado]

What you find attractive about a woman is nobody’s business but yours.

I can think of no surer way to be unhappy than to let other people’s tastes determine whom you should date (or any other thing, really).

 

[iluvmybabies]

Hi there and good day! I really think that if you are “attracted” to people whom are not “perfect” physically then congrats you actually try to see people and appreciate them for the inside rather than the outside… I am over weight and my bf is gorgeous…I mean gorgeous…I admire him I don’t lust over him but I appreciate how gorgeous he is…AND I feel so unattractive and not good enough for him because I am over weight. BUT when we met I wasn’t…lol…SO that kind of makes me think that since he was attracted to me before and we were friends before actually meeting physically that he fell in love with me emotionally, spiritually and intellectually rather than just by attraction… Now being big makes me feel insecure but his love and the way he treats me is still the same, thank GOD! lol… I think it’s great you can see past the physical “imperfections!” My bf will tell you I am the most beautiful woman he has ever known and met, he tells me once in a while, lol, and I feel completely fugly!! LOL Does that mean he likes insecured women? No I think he actually sees me for whom I am and loves me even more for it…

Besides it’s your choice…and if you grow to love an “imperfect” woman then that just means you love your woman…

GOD bless…Good luck with your choices!

 

[withwind]

In relationship, being attracted to imperfection is realistic; being attracted to perfection is idealistic.

 

[chevalier]

Imperfections can be quite fun quirks that endear people to others. But don’t allow yourself to get into a pattern in which you go for women you rate as less than attractive merely because your own confidence might be insufficient to approach a woman who does actually attract you.

 

[Sarabande]

Some thoughts…

Why would an overweight woman be considered “imperfect”? I know that in a certain part of our culture today it is considered such, but let me tell you, there are plenty of men out there who think overweight women are da bomb. They think that average weight or thin women are actually rather imperfect.

Example… I attended university with a decent-sized African-American population. In our dorm my freshman year, they held a special talk regarding women’s self-esteem, body image, etc. It was interesting to note that most of the white women in our dorm found being overweight ugly and unattractive and most of the African-American women in our dorm found it to be totally the opposite. I remember a few of them laughing that those who thought being thin was attractive. We all laughed because we realized how silly it all was. One of my girlfriends, who is African-American, is a big girl. She was constantly getting freebies from men who didn’t even know her and always out on dates. Men were always asking her out. She was beautiful and they really loved her big curves. She also exuded a lot of confidence which is a big attraction for anyone. Maybe some people would think she was physicall imperfect, but she certainly didn’t think she was and all those other men didn’t either.

I know you are concerned about any kind of subconcious reasons for wanting to be dating overweight women or other women who you would consider imperfect. But perhaps you should start looking at it from a different angle. Perhaps you can begin looking at them as being physically perfect for your tastes and likes. You might start viewing them in a much different and perhaps even better light, and stop beating yourself up over wanting to be with “imperfect” women. Remember, they aren’t imperfect. And besides, no one is perfect in any way, shape or form.

Also considering what you wrote in your original post about not believing in the Platonist view of beauty and such, perhaps you are subconciously trying to prove that view wrong by seeking out women you actually do find physically imperfect and unattractive. That way you are living up to your own belief system. So, you automatically turn yourself off to the more physically attractive, even if they are also spiritually more attractive than your less-physically attractive choices. You don’t like that Platonist view so much that you subconciously will do anything to avoid giving any credence to it. If that is the case, then it is an ego issue which can be dealt with once it is discovered. Basically, you can’t really and truly care for another until the ego is completely free and you are open to loving whomever God sends you - whether she is physically perfect or imperfect. You might be so overwhelmed with this that a couple of the physically and spiritually “perfect” women who are in your midst are actually choices God would like you to really consider.

All that said, I personally like all kinds of imperfections in people. It makes them perfect to me. Sounds weird, but that is how I see it. I think it has to do with people who didn’t know me well always telling me how perfect I was and that I was like an angel. I know they meant well, but I hated it. Mostly because I knew that I wasn’t even close to being perfect or angelic. I wanted them to see me for every bit of who I was - the good and the bad. I love every perfection and imperfection that my husband has. It makes him absolutely and totally perfect for me and totally beautiful. And what I also love about my husband is that he knows every imperfection and perfection in me and still loves me for who I am.

Imperfection is perfection - at least at a human level. Certainly not at a Divine level.

 

[Rascalking]

Call me Pollyanna if you must, but every woman, no matter how “imperfect” can be someomes Marilyn Monroe or Sophia Loren.

The last two posters were right. Perfection isn’t going to happen here!

 

[ack]

Everyone is imperfect – but make that you’re not seeking out needy women (consciously or unconsciously). I think this is a common trap for men to fall into, because some men like the security of being “needed” all the time, but this makes it difficult for a healthy relationship to form.

 

[dakotagirl]

Congratulations.

 

[DL82]

Thanks for all the replies. I really appreciate them. I suppose there’s still a couple things i didn’t make clear.

First, it’s not as if i’m ‘settling’ for these women. I’m just attracted. There are others who i know rationally would make good wives, but i’m just not attracted. Is this a problem? Maybe i’m just insulating myself against rejection, i’m hardly physically ‘perfect’ myself.

Second, i suppose i am concerned at whether physical imperfections are, in some cases, signs of moral ones. In the case of someone who is overweight (ok, that’s what this is really about, being a chubby chaser, lol) it could be a sign of gluttony, laziness or low self esteem. Are those qualities i ought to be trying to avoid? I know some very holy women who fast frequently and have a wonderful sense of the dignity of their personhood and womanhood, but i just don’t find them attractive on a physical level. Is that a problem?

 

[srlucado]

A question: Is it the *women *you are attracted to, or the *imperfections *themselves?

An observation: Are you perhaps avoiding involvement with women who would be good marriage material because you enjoy the company of women but you aren’t yet ready for marriage? (You wouldn’t be the first.)

 

[DL82]

A question: Is it the *women *you are attracted to, or the *imperfections *themselves?

An observation: Are you perhaps avoiding involvement with women who would be good marriage material because you enjoy the company of women but you aren’t yet ready for marriage? (You wouldn’t be the first.)

Depends what you mean by ‘good marriage material’? I get along with all kinds of women, but I don’t know that I would want to spend my life with someone I wasn’t attracted to and didn’t share certain things in common with. Certainly, there are women who would be ‘good for me’ in terms of encouraging me in my faith, but I can’t help feeling they deserve to marry someone who is crazy about them as well as someone who can encourage THEM in their faith. I also have concerns that I’m not, nor ever will be, ‘good marriage material’ myself, i.e. not great career prospects, still a grad student at 27, suffer from scrupulosity, am not in great shape.

I want to be attracted to a whole person, not just an imperfection or a physical feature. I can’t feel comfortable with a woman I’m not at all attracted to though. I have only dated one woman since becoming Catholic, she was a lot older than me, we had very different backgrounds, but understood eachother well - all the same, I just felt so OLD around her, we went out a few times over a few months, never kissed or even held hands, and it all just seemed too businesslike. I believe in purity, but I believe that you can be pure and still express more of an emotional connection than I did to this girl. I know I’m not normally a very emotional or expressive person, so I need someone who is to draw me out of myself a little. Am I placing too much emphasis on emotion and attraction?

PS, I’m in the process of rediscovering my sexual identity after a youth spent in pornography addiction. I suppressed just about every sexual thought that came to mind for the first year or more after my conversion, but it was starting to lead to an unhealthy scrupulosity. I’m slowly starting to realise that, whereas a year ago every SINGLE sexual thought was the near occasion of a sinful fantasy, I am now beginning to grow enough in faith and in freedom that I can begin to explore my sexual identity in a way that’s consistent with Catholic purity, and it would be unhealthy to go on ignoring every sexual thought. My spiritual director has also suggested that I stop being so hard on myself for the mere presence of sexual attraction to women. I guess I’m still coming to terms with how exactly to discern a call to marriage faithfully, purely, but with awareness that I am a sexual being.