Being betrayed by a "friend".... How should I handle it?

[krissy343]

Hello! I have a “friend” who just recently got divorced from her husband. He was very abusive; verbally, physically and emotionally. She had 2 children with him that are living with her and one child from a prior relationship that was taken away from her by her parents years ago. Details of that aren’t really pertinent to the problem at hand. I will however give a brief summary of some of the things she has done in the past that lead me to my problem. When we were younger, we were roommates. We were both very wild and crazy, partying often, doing drugs, and drinking while underage. She betrayed me for the first time then, while we were having one of our parties, she got VERY intoxicated and had sex with my boyfriend. I was mortified, there is more to it but I’m choosing to leave that out lol. So, needless to say, my boyfriend and I broke up and her and I parted ways but still were civil to each other. Well, about a year later she had her son (product of a one night stand) and was dating a VERY nice guy who eventually got sick of her drug using and left her. She then went wilder than ever and essentially lost her son over it to her parents. Well, another couple years went by and I got a phone call from her. She told me she was married and was expecting a child with this man. I was sooo happy for her thinking she had turned over a new leaf. In the conversation, I explained to her about some fertility problems my husband and I were experiencing and how it hurt me to see people who pop children out left and right and don’t properly care for them. Or those who have abortions when they could very easily give them up for adoption and people out there like my husband and I could have a chance to have a family. She sympathized with me and that was about it. A few days later she called me up and asked if I could drive her to the grocery store to pick up some food since she didn’t have any transportation. I did and when I picked her up she was high out of her mind!!! Marijuana I believe was what she was using. It was to me like she was kicking me in the teeth! Here she is, at least 6 mos pregnant and she is endangering her unborn child like this after I had just had that conversation with her days earlier. Well, I kept my mouth shut but stayed away from her for some time. Then I found out that she left her husband because of the abuse and now had 2 children with him. I felt for her and wanted to be there for her through this tough time in her life. I knew she needed a job so I told her she could put me down as a reference where I work (I care for mentally and physically handicapped individuals in their homes.) She did, she got hired and went through 2 weeks of orientation. She finally got placed in one of the homes and was on her second day of work when another co-worker caught her smoking marijuana, from a pipe, in broad daylight in front of the clients home!!! She obviously got fired and since she used me as a reference, I worry that some of the supervisors are going to judge me by her actions and worse yet, not hire someone that needs a job in the future that I recommend.
I just don’t know what to do! I’ve always tried to forgive her and help her out when I can because I know her life isn’t easy. But I don’t know if I can anymore. She hasn’t even told me of the situation yet, I found out from the client!!! And now it’s a big joke around the office where my work is based out of. They all think she is an idiot for being so dumb to do it in front of her job!! How does that make me look for reffering her? I apologized to her supervisor today and told her I thought she had grown up. What would you do? How should I handle it when I do talk to her (it’s gotta happen eventually)? Please, your opinions and guidance would be VERY much appreciated!!!
Sorry, I didn’t intend on this being so long but some of the info. I believe is pertinent to the problem at hand.

 

[vern_humphrey]

Why do you have to talk to her? If you think you can help her, well and good – but your last attempt to help her went nowhere. This person, with her drugs and sex might well be a danger to you and your family.

You’ve apologized to her supervisor, and that’s all anyone would expect you to do. Continue to pray for her, but be careful in continuing any relationship with her.

 

[krissy343]

Why do you have to talk to her? If you think you can help her, well and good – but your last attempt to help her went nowhere. This person, with her drugs and sex might well be a danger to you and your family.

You’ve apologized to her supervisor, and that’s all anyone would expect you to do. Continue to pray for her, but be careful in continuing any relationship with her.

Our city is not very big and I’m bound to run into her eventually and if the subject comes up I’m afraid it’s going to be hard for me to be civil.
I know she is going to call me up wanting something one of these days and if I deny her somthing that is within my means due to her betrayal in the past I’m afraid I am going to be going against God’s word sighs

 

[vern_humphrey]

Our city is not very big and I’m bound to run into her eventually and if the subject comes up I’m afraid it’s going to be hard for me to be civil.

You can be civil and still let someone know you haven’t got time to stop and chat.

I know she is going to call me up wanting something one of these days and if I deny her somthing that is within my means due to her betrayal in the past I’m afraid I am going to be going against God’s word sighs

No, you’re not. God doesn’t demand you keep doing the same thing over and over, when you have ample evidence of previous failures.

 

[puzzleannie]

saw nothing in this story about friendship, but a lot about manipulation and co-dependency. why anyone would give a job reference to a person currently using drugs, esp for a job caring for vulnerable people, is a complete mystery to me. and why anyone who has good firsthand knowledge of the way addicts lie and use other people would continue to allow that person to have influence in their life is also beyond my comprehension. I can’t complain of betrayal when I set myself up for it. I clearly am out of my depth in the world in which this sad story takes place, so I think I will beam back up to the mother ship now, and there pray fervently for all involved.

as to how one would treat a person who has acted so shabbily, old-fashioned etiquette had a great solution, “cutting” whereby one simply ignored the offender and stared straight through them when forced into a face-to-face meeting.

 

[proudnifi]

I agree with Vern.

You have tried to help even though she has acted against you in the past. You don’t owe her any more than you have given. If you bump into her, be polite and move on quickly.

 

[krissy343]

saw nothing in this story about friendship, but a lot about manipulation and co-dependency. why anyone would give a job reference to a person currently using drugs, esp for a job caring for vulnerable people, is a complete mystery to me. and why anyone who has good firsthand knowledge of the way addicts lie and use other people would continue to allow that person to have influence in their life is also beyond my comprehension. I can’t complain of betrayal when I set myself up for it. I clearly am out of my depth in the world in which this sad story takes place, so I think I will beam back up to the mother ship now, and there pray fervently for all involved.

as to how one would treat a person who has acted so shabbily, old-fashioned etiquette had a great solution, “cutting” whereby one simply ignored the offender and stared straight through them when forced into a face-to-face meeting.

There definitely was friendship there at one point and I thought we had it back again. I seriously thought she was trying to turn over a new leaf, boy was I wrong. I work with a couple people that I know do drugs “recreationally” I don’t condone it but I do know at least in my observation they aren’t stupid enough to come to work high or DO IT at work!!! That’s absurd! But I guess that’s only in my opinion. You’re right though, I shoudn’t have offered to reffer her knowing her past. But that’s what I thought it was, her past. She blinded me once again No more!

 

[sprout]

I agree with puzzleannie.

In addition, I wonder, have you called the authorities to protect those innocent children? If not, you need to let Child Protective Services know that these children are endangered from drug use. You have ample evidence and if you do not bring this to their attention you have failed to protect those children.

This would be “being” a friend rather than an enabler. A friend is someone who cares enough to do the right thing when it’s called for and when the person is unable or unwilling.

After you call the authorities to report child endangerment I suggest you also call the parents who got custody of her first child and let them know what’s going on. These are their grandchildren who are being put in harms way.

It breaks my heart to hear what those children have experienced through no fault of their own.

 

[krissy343]

Thanks for the concern, she is now living with her parents who are WONDERFUL, Christian people so therefore the children will be fine but I am going to be speaking to them. If she wants to move out anytime soon and her parents know about her drug use, they will not allow her to take the children and as far gone as she is, I’m sure she won’t mind. It’s such a mess… IF she does move out and her parents don’t keep the kids I will MOST DEFINITELY contact DCFS. I’ve thought about forming an intervention with her parents but I highly doubt it will do any good. It’s just so hard to see a one time friend who was such a good person once upon a time destroying her and her childrens lives. I guess I’m just naive for thinking that someday that girl will reappear.

 

[Celia]

Hi Krissy,

I had a similar experience as yours with a friend not too long ago. Here’s the thing: You at this point have done what you could to help this girl. As long as you do believe her kids are ok, cut your losses and stay away from her. If you run into her in town, there’s no need to be mean but there’s nothing wrong with a polite brush off either. She’ll get the point. I think you handled things well with the supervisor though by explaining the situation. As far as that goes I think that’s the best you can do and wouldn’t worry about it too much.

The girl I was friends with - I thought for sure that she had turned her life around, and become the person I was friends with for years once again, but it turned out that she had just gotten better at manipulating and lying. It hurts to lose a friend. But it’s better this way.

Until she stops her drug use and helps herself get a job and clean up her life nothing is going to change. Its sad, but true.

Listen I wish you the best with this thing and hope things turn out well. You did a good hearted thing and now it’s time to step back is all. Good luck to you.

-C

 

[RobHom]

Are you familiar with the concept of “tough love”? If so, exercise it.

Your only mistake is that you letter put the knife in you once, then hung around waiting for it again.

There is nothing and nowhere that requires you to be someone’s victim or whipping post.

Keep this person at “arms length” or more…

 

[OneAugustKnight]

Remember to forgive her in your heart, and use your brain. She may never be able to function competently. You have tried to help, next time she asks for your help, direct her to the appropriate charity, tell her to go to confession or talk to a priest, tell her to pray to our Lord to help her change. If she wants money or other specific things from you, tell her you tried to help her that way before, it didn’t help last time and that obviously you can’t help her. She needs God and to accept His forgiveness and love.

 

[krissy343]

Hi Krissy,

I had a similar experience as yours with a friend not too long ago. Here’s the thing: You at this point have done what you could to help this girl. As long as you do believe her kids are ok, cut your losses and stay away from her. If you run into her in town, there’s no need to be mean but there’s nothing wrong with a polite brush off either. She’ll get the point. I think you handled things well with the supervisor though by explaining the situation. As far as that goes I think that’s the best you can do and wouldn’t worry about it too much.

The girl I was friends with - I thought for sure that she had turned her life around, and become the person I was friends with for years once again, but it turned out that she had just gotten better at manipulating and lying. It hurts to lose a friend. But it’s better this way.

Until she stops her drug use and helps herself get a job and clean up her life nothing is going to change. Its sad, but true.

Listen I wish you the best with this thing and hope things turn out well. You did a good hearted thing and now it’s time to step back is all. Good luck to you.

-C

Thank you for your reply It sure does hurt to lose a friend though the friend that she once was has been gone for some time now. I pray that she does clean up her act especially for the sake of her children. I’m washing my hands of her but she will continue to be in my prayers. Thank you again

Are you familiar with the concept of “tough love”? If so, exercise it.

Your only mistake is that you letter put the knife in you once, then hung around waiting for it again.

There is nothing and nowhere that requires you to be someone’s victim or whipping post.

Keep this person at “arms length” or more…

Thanks to you for your reply as well! Yeah, I’m familiar with “tough love” I’ve just always had a hard time practicing it. She definitely pulled the wool over my eyes once too many times. It’s just such a shame to see a once good girl gone bad. But I am officially done letting her manipulate me.

Remember to forgive her in your heart, and use your brain. She may never be able to function competently. You have tried to help, next time she asks for your help, direct her to the appropriate charity, tell her to go to confession or talk to a priest, tell her to pray to our Lord to help her change. If she wants money or other specific things from you, tell her you tried to help her that way before, it didn’t help last time and that obviously you can’t help her. She needs God and to accept His forgiveness and love.

I’m truly trying to though I think it’s going to take time. If I tell her to pray, talk to a Priest or go to Confession I already know how she will react, she will give me this whole, “oh, you think you’re better than me” la dee da. So I think she’s going to have to come to terms with her problems on her own.

 

[sprout]

Thanks for the concern, she is now living with her parents who are WONDERFUL, Christian people so therefore the children will be fine but I am going to be speaking to them. If she wants to move out anytime soon and her parents know about her drug use, they will not allow her to take the children and as far gone as she is, I’m sure she won’t mind. It’s such a mess… IF she does move out and her parents don’t keep the kids I will MOST DEFINITELY contact DCFS. I’ve thought about forming an intervention with her parents but I highly doubt it will do any good. It’s just so hard to see a one time friend who was such a good person once upon a time destroying her and her childrens lives. I guess I’m just naive for thinking that someday that girl will reappear.

Whew! that’s such a relief to know the children are with the grandparents and they, at least, have a stable home environment.

There’s nothing wrong with hoping. There’s nothing wrong with wanting the best for someone you love. Holding on to the image of her as she was or could be without the wounds of drugs and abuse is a good thing IMHO.

 

[quiet52]

An active addict’s highest priority is their relationship with the drug (or alcohol) – not with people. Their brains are being restructured by the drug. Have no expectatations from your friend about her valuing any relationships (although you can have hope, through prayer).

Truly forgive your friend (pray the “Our Father” to help you do that). Love her and her children actively, as Jesus would, through prayer especially. Catering to what she wants is most likely not actively loving her.

 

[Newbie2]

Many good ideas.

If you have the “opportunity”, i.e. run into her by accident and can’t avoid it, another tact of the tough love is to be brutally honest.

Something like, “I would like to be your friend, we’ve been great friends in the past, but as long as you (engage in the sort of behavior you have been) well…you’re a different person, and I don’t want to be friends with that person”. That sort of thing.

Pretty much, you’ve done all you can. Keep praying on it.

 

[CatholicCajun]

I agree with puzzleannie.

In addition, I wonder, have you called the authorities to protect those innocent children? If not, you need to let Child Protective Services know that these children are endangered from drug use. You have ample evidence and if you do not bring this to their attention you have failed to protect those children.

This would be “being” a friend rather than an enabler. A friend is someone who cares enough to do the right thing when it’s called for and when the person is unable or unwilling.

After you call the authorities to report child endangerment I suggest you also call the parents who got custody of her first child and let them know what’s going on. These are their grandchildren who are being put in harms way.

It breaks my heart to hear what those children have experienced through no fault of their own.

I only wanted to “quote” the fisrt paragraph and since I am don’t know how to do that I have the whole quote hilited ANYWAY to get to my p oint, there was a husband and wife down here that just got arrested because their baby tested positive for cocaine and guess how she was positive, the mother was breast feeding!! Those children if tested would probably test positive drugs. Poor children. Pray for them and their mom. God Bless you for being a better friend than your “friend” deserves.