Being called shy

[purplesunshine]

I’m fairly peeved. People think I’m shy. My good friend, a mentor-like person to me, informed me that I am shy. My co-workers and people who work in the building think I’m very shy. When I used to go to college classmates in some of my classes (the ones I didn’t like) thought I was incredibly shy. The only people who wouldn’t call me shy are those people SO socially awkward you wonder if they have mental issues. (like people who talk nonstop about refrig coolant, for no real reason, or other really odd quirks)

I will say, I’m a bit introverted. I need time for me or me and my close friends/family. I recharge around a craft project and an audio book. Or quiet prayer and adoration.

BUT! I also like wild, happy charismatic praise. In college I would debate the professor with a vim that even he had trouble keeping up with. I organized and ran a club and helped with others. I did leadership training and was VERY successful. I have driven over an hour to meet up with young adult groups that I didn’t know in cities that I didn’t know. I go to parties with people I don’t really know. I do a ton of stuff where I put myself out there and am socially involved. In my opinion a “shy” person dosn’t do that.

 

[whatevergirl]

*Hi purple;

What leads up to them saying this of you? Do they just walk up to you and say, hey you’re shy, you know that? Why do they think this of you, do you imagine?*

 

[purplesunshine]

Well, when I graduated I was told that it was great someone “so shy” did all that I did. I didn’t think much of it, becuase I was graduating and I thought myself better than all of them becuase I was graduating and making something of myself. It was rather pompous, I know, but its how I felt.

I’ve been working at my job for 1.5 years now. I frequently go to offices and distribute fliers or get requests for payment or other things. We all share a common cafeteria. I used to like to use my computer during lunch, especially when I first moved, so I could e-mail, as I didn’t have internet at home. I sat with some of the older people whom my direct co-worker knew sometimes, too. Sometimes I ate alone. About a year ago I was invited to eat with one group. And every so often they’d mention how I used to be “so shy” but I ignored it. Last week, I made a joke and may have midly offeneded someone at the next table. (I asked if I could sit at the “cool table” inside joke) Then I got to hear from a bunch of people who I barley knew how I seemed so shy but like such a nice person and they were just waiting to make friends with me. (Mind you these are people age 35-50+, not 25yo’s like me).

Then I was talking with my friend about young adult groups and the different things I’m doing and that I disliked sticking my neck out on occasion. And he said that I was shy. I told him vehemently that I’m not shy, but he was like, “well, you are”.

I want to tell him that it was not nice to call me shy when I’m not…and maybe even have him apologize for such a stupid statement… but because of other’s comments I don’t know if I should.

I don’t think, really, its any of my business how people perceive me. I however, always want to work on self-improvement. I’ve always found my spunk and tenacity my only good qualities and being called shy hurts beucase it goes against what I believe about myself.

 

[MercyMia]

I get this a lot too. I am a tad introverted, but I don’t really feel shy. My husand and I have come to the conclusion that I actually listen to people instead of talking at them. I think people today especially are so accomstomed to conversations where the other person just wants to make it all about them and spends time thinking of what they will say next instead of listening and taking in what the other person is saying.

 

[whatevergirl]

I’m wondering if people have an unreasonable expectation, that when we’re new to a situation, we should march right up to people and shake hands, and introduce ourselves…I am not shy, but I don’t always do that. I’m in sales, but sometimes, like to ‘feel out’ my surroundings before diving in. I would not concern yourself with the labels, but I might ask next time…why do you perceive me as shy? I would be take note of what they say, maybe there is something you are not aware of. (If it bothers you)

 

[Jay82]

I think a lot of people confuse being ‘quiet’ with being ‘shy’ and they are two totally different things even though shy people tend to be quiet. Those who are quiet and not shy are not afraid to speak up, get involved in things and branch out to new activities or places outside their comfort zone. When you are shy, you generally avoid those kind of situations and keep to yourself and what you are familiar with (at least from my observations).

 

[iluvmybabies]

At work I usually like to keep to myself…when I had corworkers I could talk to we would spend all the breaks and lunches together…I’ve had the same boss for 3 years now, and even she tells me I’m shy! It’s hilarious! My closest friends look at me and say “girl there is nothing shy about you!” Just because at work I like keeping to myself most of the time!! It’s hilarious! lol

Don’t feel bad, let them think whatever they want of you…Just keep being yourself…You sound like a nice person and very outgoing just keep being you! That’s all that matters.

 

[Brenda_V]

I think you need to find out what they mean by shy. Based on what you have said OP, and Iluv, I would say you are both a tad bit shy. you need to take some time to get to know people and situations before you open up. There is nothing wrong with being shy so don’t take it as an insult.

Here are the third and fourth definitions for shy from the merriam-webster.com site:
3 : hesitant in committing oneself : circumspect
4 : sensitively diffident or retiring : reserved; also : expressive of such a state or nature

These definitions actually fit how our OP described herself - especially def. 4.

So please do not be offended when someone calls you shy, just smile at them and move on.

Brenda V.

 

[chevalier]

And it’s not a curse word, either. It’s a neutral descriptor and some people use it in a positive way (implying a person of good character who is not assertive). Don’t resist generalisation or categorisation so much - it doesn’t actually harm you. Plus, being shy in general does not preclude being confident and decisive when the situation calls for it, nor do confident or outgoing types always keep it up. I’m a blasted lawyer that sues his own Attorney General and wins and I’ve pulled off stuff like getting a stranger’s phone number on public transport, not to mention some stuff at court (or greeting the feared head of Insolvency practice with a, “Hail, Queen of the Damned”), but a month or two (or three) ago, I smiled like stupid and it took me like five seconds to reply to a pretty girl’s “good morning” at the door of the block of flats where I live. A month ago, it took me 2 days or so to phone a senior lawyer I seemed to need to cooperate with. Today, I spent like 20 minutes at a corridor before crossing my unversity professors’s door when he was apparently holding a private conversation during office hours and I was like, “I’m sorry I exist!” when I finally came in. Some days or situations are just like that. Can’t be alpha all the time.

By the way, shy people, or those who appear shy, are much more endearing than assertive types, really.

 

[Maria65]

I’ve had people tell me I’m shy, which I am definitely not, but it is almost invariably the loud, non-stop talkers who tell me this. I guess because I’m not rude and interrupting them?

I find I learn a lot more by listening to people and not constantly flapping my jaws.

 

[Rascalking]

Purple,

I think you rock, but why get upset about it? Being called shy isn’t like being called…well, you know.

 

[Sierrah]

I have to opposit problem. While most of the time I’m out going there’s a part of me that is painfully shy. I used to be that way all the time and never went out, was terrified of meeting new people…(.I might actually have to talk to them…lol), I kind of hid myself in books and movies…wasting my youth staying at home and drowning in the misery of being overweight. Enough on all that. I changed my life after an illness that almost too my life and decided things couldn’t go on like that. It was a long process but I worked out, joined clubs and became more social and eventually outgoing. Now I’m up for any challenge except public speaking . People actually won’t believe me when I say I’m a very shy person at heart. They look at me like …“She’s got to be kidding”…lol

 

[chevalier]

I have to opposit problem. While most of the time I’m out going there’s a part of me that is painfully shy. I used to be that way all the time and never went out, was terrified of meeting new people…(.I might actually have to talk to them…lol), I kind of hid myself in books and movies…wasting my youth staying at home and drowning in the misery of being overweight. Enough on all that. I changed my life after an illness that almost too my life and decided things couldn’t go on like that. It was a long process but I worked out, joined clubs and became more social and eventually outgoing. Now I’m up for any challenge except public speaking . People actually won’t believe me when I say I’m a very shy person at heart. They look at me like …“She’s got to be kidding”…lol

Admittedly, that was a surprise to me! Mind you, in real life, I would’ve spotted it in 10 minutes!

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

Next time someone calls you shy, say, “I’m not shy, I just don’t like you.”

Just kidding.

As a shy person myself (used to be painfully shy, now it’s not so bad), I get ticked off when other people mis-label shyness. Because it can be a little frustrating to be an introvert in a extroverted world, or a quiet person in a chaotic world, but it can be a huge burden/cross to be a shy person. I guess I want people to appreciate that and be more understanding of truly shy people.

 

[stromssa]

I was always called “shy” be people when I was growing up, but my family will tell you that I could be very talkative around them! In school, I had few friends because of my quiet personality, though people didn’t seem to actively dislike me. I just didn’t have a lot in common with my classmates and sort of “faded into the woodwork,” as it were. I did become known, early on, for my writing, however, and this helped me overcome some of my shyness.
I didn’t date all the way through high school and college. People have told me that I seem “aloof” because I tend to hold myself back from situations, like I’m observing them, rather than actively participating.
After college, I got a job as a society journalist and then I had to learn to be more outgoing. At 32, I finally feel like my personality has evolved from “shy” or “timid” to simply “introverted, with people skills.” I work at a small-town library, which suits my personality.
A book you should read about introversion is called “The Highly Sensitive Person” by Elaine Aron. She is a psychologist and HSP herself. Her book was the first of its kind, to suggest that “shy” was really a rather negative way to look at what is essentially an inherited trait: High sensitivity. It encompasses the totality of how a person views the world. Only a small fraction (about 20 percent) of people in any given society are “HSP’s”. It’s not a character flaw, but instead a particular personality. These people tend to fall into the “priestly advisor” class of people, doing jobs like social work, librarianship, sometimes teaching, psychologists/counselors, pastors/priests, and the like. Since we are not a majority any given culture, sometimes we feel like the world is spinning around us and we are left out, but in reality, we just respond differently to stimuli and need to give ourselves more self-care. Elaine Aron’s book, along with her other books “The Highly Sensitive Person in Love” and “The Highly Sensitive Child,” are great to read if you feel you fall into this category. I know they helped me tailor my life accordingly to my trait.

 

[Jea9]

I guess I don’t understand why this is an insult to the OP? Granted, I’m the complete opposite of shy…extroverted to the 120th degree, people person, loud (sometimes obnoxiously so, but you can tell me to quiet down and it won’t hurt my feelings:blush, every single report card included “Jea9’s such a good student, but she talks too much”. Anyway, I know all these things about myself, and being loud isn’t something I’m particularly proud of (I also have a voice that is at that octave level that when it gets too loud it almost hurts your ears), but I know it as a weakness and honestly can’t tell when I get to that point sometimes and need to be reminded to be quiet. Sometimes a “label” just “is” and there’s no mal-intent behind it?

 

[LongingForLight]

I have to say that I see shy as a good thing. To me, it doesn’t mean socially akward. It means cautious about hurting others’ feelings and therefore being a little quiet at first until you get a feeling for how to “click” with their personality. I am a shy person by nature, BTW, although this would surprise many people who haven’t known me for my entire life.

I find that shy people are usually very nice, friendly, and care about others deeply - unlike socially awkward people, who are generally just ignorant about how to get along with others or perhaps a little overly worried about themselves. Yes, a person can be both shy and socially awkward, but I think they are generally not the same trait at all.

I also don’t see shyness as something that is at odds with having spunk or tenacity. Actually, when I think of shy people, I tend to think of someone who is fairly independent and perhaps a tad stubborn, although very sweet at the same time - which is why they take relationships on THEIR terms and don’t just go through the normal motions, but insist on actually getting to know someone and start building a real connection before they give signs of affection. Because they tend to be fairly sensitive, this usually doesn’t take too long, but in the meantime it can be uncomfortable for the shy person to be expected to act familiar with a stranger, and just not want to behave that way until you actually know the person and know what kinds of behavior they like. I think that’s where a lot of the “pain” in “painfully shy” comes from. I think it’s also why people become shy around people they don’t know well, but want to know well (like that cute boy or girl in the teen years) - when you really care about a relationship, you want to get it started on the right foot. Shy people just care about EVERY relationship. And that’s a good thing!

I think everyone knows that “shy” people are often quite energetic, friendly, and opinionated once you get to know them. The whole, “He really talks a lot more once you get to know him” phenomenon. Again, it’s not social awkwardness - shyness wears off as the relationship builds, but social awkwardness doesn’t, really.

My $0.02

 

[purplesunshine]

I guess I don’t understand why this is an insult to the OP? Granted, I’m the complete opposite of shy…extroverted to the 120th degree, people person, loud (sometimes obnoxiously so, but you can tell me to quiet down and it won’t hurt my feelings:blush, every single report card included “Jea9’s such a good student, but she talks too much”. Anyway, I know all these things about myself, and being loud isn’t something I’m particularly proud of (I also have a voice that is at that octave level that when it gets too loud it almost hurts your ears), but I know it as a weakness and honestly can’t tell when I get to that point sometimes and need to be reminded to be quiet. Sometimes a “label” just “is” and there’s no mal-intent behind it?

When you are constantly called a label that dosn’t fit who you feel you are it’s a bit damaging to your self image.

 

[Jea9]

When you are constantly called a label that dosn’t fit who you feel you are it’s a bit damaging to your self image.

I suppose I understand that. But, maybe it’s in how you view the definition of “shy”? Maybe since you view it as being a negative, it bothers you? Kind of like how people who have always been slender hate when people make comments about how they can eat whatever they want without gaining weight are usually well-meaning. But to the slender person it seems negative because they’ve always struggled with maintaining a healthy weight (couldn’t gain at certain times, etc.). But the person making the comment honestly thinks that they’re just “stating the obvious” so to speak.

I guess I think we have to give people the benefit of the doubt, I don’t think they mean it in a derogatory way.

 

[Pug]

I guess I don’t understand why this is an insult to the OP? Granted, I’m the complete opposite of shy…extroverted to the 120th degree, people person, loud (sometimes obnoxiously so, but you can tell me to quiet down and it won’t hurt my feelings:blush, every single report card included “Jea9’s such a good student, but she talks too much”. Anyway, I know all these things about myself, and being loud isn’t something I’m particularly proud of (I also have a voice that is at that octave level that when it gets too loud it almost hurts your ears), but I know it as a weakness and honestly can’t tell when I get to that point sometimes and need to be reminded to be quiet. Sometimes a “label” just “is” and there’s no mal-intent behind it?

But being shy isn’t something one can remedy during the course of a single interaction, unlike being temporarily a bit loud. I think it would be rare if I were to say to someone “you’re too shy/sensitive” and have them respond during the conversation by suddenly not being sensitive. In fact, noticing and telling a sensitive person/child they are too sensitive is distinctly likely to provoke more sensitivity. Either that, or you might provoke them to avoid you, since they can’t please you any other way.

Maybe I say this only because I grew up with the adults carping to me that I was too shy, too sensitive. So I am likely to interpret the random dropping of the words “You’re shy” into a conversation as a complaint being delivered to me, since no one has ever bothered in real life to comment positively about shyness. Also, for sure I’d interpret it as somebody noticing me, which I tend to not wish to happen, obviously. I’d be fine with, “It’s cool how you are really in tune with your environment and how other people are feeling.” I’m not so fine with, “Well! I can tell *you *are shy.” I suppose it depends on the delivery. You are right that there may be no mal-intent. But for some, shyness operates like fatness. Only certain people bring up that you are fat in a random conversation. They do it because they view you as defective somehow, morally, medically, developmentally, emotionally, in your character, in your powers of observation, or somewhere. They don’t do it because they view it in a neutral light. Shyness similarly for many unwelcome commentators represents a deficit. A deficit of social skills, courage, serenity, concentration, something.