Being called shy

  • Thread starter Thread starter purplesunshine
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
I get called shy too. I really don’t like attention drawn to myself and I really don’t like people noticing me that much, while I know plenty of people who want attention always drawn to themselves.
 
Pug said:
But being shy isn’t something one can remedy during the course of a single interaction, unlike being temporarily a bit loud. I think it would be rare if I were to say to someone “you’re too shy/sensitive” and have them respond during the conversation by suddenly not being sensitive. In fact, noticing and telling a sensitive person/child they are too sensitive is distinctly likely to provoke more sensitivity. Either that, or you might provoke them to avoid you, since they can’t please you any other way.

Maybe I say this only because I grew up with the adults carping to me that I was too shy, too sensitive. So I am likely to interpret the random dropping of the words “You’re shy” into a conversation as a complaint being delivered to me, since no one has ever bothered in real life to comment positively about shyness. Also, for sure I’d interpret it as somebody noticing me, which I tend to not wish to happen, obviously. I’d be fine with, “It’s cool how you are really in tune with your environment and how other people are feeling.” I’m not so fine with, “Well! I can tell *you *are shy.” I suppose it depends on the delivery. You are right that there may be no mal-intent. But for some, shyness operates like fatness. Only certain people bring up that you are fat in a random conversation. They do it because they view you as defective somehow, morally, medically, developmentally, emotionally, in your character, in your powers of observation, or somewhere. They don’t do it because they view it in a neutral light. Shyness similarly for many unwelcome commentators represents a deficit. A deficit of social skills, courage, serenity, concentration, something.
Click to expand...
Very interesting. Again, I don’t see it that way but I think it’s because I’m NOT shy you know? When I hear someone call another person shy, or if I’ve ever said it, I mean it in the same way that someone would say “Jea9, your hair is brown”. Just something that IS. But, I think that is because we are all shaped by our respective environments differently. Because even as I read in your post “But being shy isn’t something one can remedy during the course of a single interaction, unlike being temporarily a bit loud” I was thinking “this person’s never been told to be quiet”. It’s VERY hard for me to control, and while I don’t take it personally or get my feelings hurt, at times it’s embarrassing. Though I suppose, for me, it’s more embarrassing that it got to that point.
 
Jea9 said:
Very interesting. Again, I don’t see it that way but I think it’s because I’m NOT shy you know? When I hear someone call another person shy, or if I’ve ever said it, I mean it in the same way that someone would say “Jea9, your hair is brown”. Just something that IS. But, I think that is because we are all shaped by our respective environments differently. Because even as I read in your post “But being shy isn’t something one can remedy during the course of a single interaction, unlike being temporarily a bit loud” I was thinking “this person’s never been told to be quiet”. It’s VERY hard for me to control, and while I don’t take it personally or get my feelings hurt, at times it’s embarrassing. Though I suppose, for me, it’s more embarrassing that it got to that point.
Click to expand...
We do understand each other a little here. 🙂 Both of us understand being embarrassed. And it is hard to be quiet sometimes, even for the shy. I had a priest tell me twice in one confession to keep my voice down, and I couldn’t. Of course, being shy, I still painfully remember the incident. :o Once I was out of the confessional, I could think straight enough to realize that I hadn’t managed to be quiet enough.
 
Pug said:
We do understand each other a little here. 🙂 Both of us understand being embarrassed. And it is hard to be quiet sometimes, even for the shy. I had a priest tell me twice in one confession to keep my voice down, and I couldn’t. Of course, being shy, I still painfully remember the incident. :o Once I was out of the confessional, I could think straight enough to realize that I hadn’t managed to be quiet enough.
Click to expand...
🙂 I think that it’s best to give people the benefit of the doubt, and assume that they do not think have the intention of making someone realize their faults. Again, when noticing someone’s shyness myself, I’ve never even seen it as a fault, so commenting on it wouldn’t be pointing this out. Though, after this thread, I’ll be much less likely to voice that about someone in the future. 😉
 
People think I’m shy too. I’m not, I just don’t talk unless I have something specific to say or ask. My guy friends used to think and probably still think I’m very shy. We’d be out somewhere and they’d see a girl and would try to encourage me to talk to her. My first question would be, “Talk to her about what?” They’d make suggestions about things I should ask and they were always, “dumb” in my opinion so I never did.
 
Bataar said:
People think I’m shy too. I’m not, I just don’t talk unless I have something specific to say or ask. My guy friends used to think and probably still think I’m very shy. We’d be out somewhere and they’d see a girl and would try to encourage me to talk to her. My first question would be, “Talk to her about what?” They’d make suggestions about things I should ask and they were always, “dumb” in my opinion so I never did.
Click to expand...
Yeah. Pulling questions out of thin air like a magician does rabbits from a hat is a kinda stupid venture. If you really feel you need to establish contact but you don’t want to initiate chit chat about nothing, you can always walk up, introduce yourself, saying you would like to make acuqaintance and say something along the lines of, “pardon me, but I’m not that good with small-talk,” or, “I’m not that good with small talk, but I felt like starting a conversation because… Would you mind telling me a little about yourself/your work here/your interests/whatever.” Just as long as it’s polite and honest, it should work on any reasonable person.
 
Some people talk a lot and have to be around other people most of the time. Others need more down time and spend less time talking and socializing. Both ways of approaching life are re-energizing to the people that benefit from them. Neither way is right or wrong.
To the OP, you should read a book by Laurie Helgoe called “Intovert Power: Why Your Inner Life is Your Hidden Strength”. It’s very interesting and deals with the issue of being perceived as shy or introverted and how a great many people consider themselves as being shy. Many more than you would think. There are good explanations in this book as to why being shy or introverted is not as valued in our society as being extroverted is. Maybe this will help you to see why you resent being called shy so much.🙂
 
Also I should have mentioned in last post, that the book goes on to list advantages of being introverted, i.e. having a more active brain, needing more stimulation, being more creative,etc. The book is very well written and doesn’t put down extroverts but rather gives reasons why being introverted is good in its own right.
 
purplesunshine said:
When you are constantly called a label that dosn’t fit who you feel you are it’s a bit damaging to your self image.
Click to expand...
Purple!

If someone called me a rasict all the time I wouldn’t give a darn! I know I’m not. My friends and family know I’m not, and if people tallk to me they’d realize I’m not!

If someone spreads a rumor that I’m something I’m not, then I would confront him or her and threaten a lawsuit (heeheheh…those law school feelings keep coming up)

In all seriosuness, usually when people spread rumors, they’ll be the ones to fall.

If you know your not whatever they call you-then who cares?
 
chevalier said:
Yeah. Pulling questions out of thin air like a magician does rabbits from a hat is a kinda stupid venture. If you really feel you need to establish contact but you don’t want to initiate chit chat about nothing, you can always walk up, introduce yourself, saying you would like to make acuqaintance and say something along the lines of, “pardon me, but I’m not that good with small-talk,” or, “I’m not that good with small talk, but I felt like starting a conversation because… Would you mind telling me a little about yourself/your work here/your interests/whatever.” Just as long as it’s polite and honest, it should work on any reasonable person.
Click to expand...
The problem I have with that is that I just think too much. If I see a complete stranger, the only thing I know is what she looks like. Wanting to start a conversation with someone based only on what she looks like just seems shallow to me. If she’s attractive, she probably gets hit on quite a lot and I don’t like the idea of wanting to talk to someone based solely on their physical appearance. I know it’s only natural but it just seems wrong to me.
 
I think there is a big difference between shy and introverted, or shy and quiet/thoughtful. A shy person may be introverted, quiet, and thoughtful, but they are not the same thing. In my understanding, shyness is specifically a confidence problem. It’s not that a person doesn’t wish to interact, it’s that a person is afraid to interact, or has very low self confidence or very low self esteem. A very introverted person is someone who REALLY doesn’t like a lot of social interaction. A very shy person is someone whose social interactions are almost crippled because of their lack of self confidence. These are two completely different things. Introversion is just a personality type. A shy person may actually be an extrovert, or may WANT to be the life of the party, but lacks the confidence. That is a negative thing. At least that’s the way I, a shy person, look at it.

So to call a person shy when they’re not, is like saying they lack self-confidence. It is understandable that you wouldn’t want people to think that about you. But for a shy person like myself, who has worked my butt off to overcome my self-confidence issues (and who has improved greatly, but will always struggle with them), it is difficult to hear people talk about shyness as though it is simply the same thing as introversion or thoughtfulness. For me, shyness was a huge difficulty in my childhood, and it hindered me from living the way I wanted to live. I take great pride in what I have done to overcome it, and while it minimizes the plight of the truly shy to lump every quiet person into that category, it also minimizes the accomplishments of those who have to work really hard to overcome their shyness.

In the end, it might be all semantics, but as I’ve said, as a person who has struggled quite a bit with shyness, I am sensitive to this struggle being minimized by it being poorly defined.
 
I am frequently told that I am shy. I’m introverted, but not shy. Like other posters on this thread, I will say something when I think it’s important, but I have always been more of a listener than a speaker. Like all introverts I need time alone to recharge my batteries. Being around extroverted people that talk all the time is exhausting and I feel like the energy is being sucked right out of me. It almost feels like an assault.

I have noticed that the older I become the more I crave time alone. I have finally worked my way up to a position at work where I have my own office and work on research projects that require me to spend my time thinking and writing. My phone doesn’t ring very much at work and it’s wonderful.

I’m not anti-social and I certainly have friends, but I do limit the time I spend with them.
 
purplesunshine said:
Well, when I graduated I was told that it was great someone “so shy” did all that I did. I didn’t think much of it, becuase I was graduating and I thought myself better than all of them becuase I was graduating and making something of myself. It was rather pompous, I know, but its how I felt.

I’ve been working at my job for 1.5 years now. I frequently go to offices and distribute fliers or get requests for payment or other things. We all share a common cafeteria. I used to like to use my computer during lunch, especially when I first moved, so I could e-mail, as I didn’t have internet at home. I sat with some of the older people whom my direct co-worker knew sometimes, too. Sometimes I ate alone. About a year ago I was invited to eat with one group. And every so often they’d mention how I used to be “so shy” but I ignored it. Last week, I made a joke and may have midly offeneded someone at the next table. (I asked if I could sit at the “cool table” inside joke) Then I got to hear from a bunch of people who I barley knew how I seemed so shy but like such a nice person and they were just waiting to make friends with me. 🤷 (Mind you these are people age 35-50+, not 25yo’s like me).

Then I was talking with my friend about young adult groups and the different things I’m doing and that I disliked sticking my neck out on occasion. And he said that I was shy. I told him vehemently that I’m not shy, but he was like, “well, you are”.

I want to tell him that it was not nice to call me shy when I’m not…and maybe even have him apologize for such a stupid statement… but because of other’s comments I don’t know if I should.

I don’t think, really, its any of my business how people perceive me. I however, always want to work on self-improvement. I’ve always found my spunk and tenacity my only good qualities and being called shy hurts beucase it goes against what I believe about myself.
Click to expand...
Wow that kind of sounds like my office… though, they will tell me that I am shy because I don’t talk with them much. I am 21… they are in their 40s… lol, these people have created so much hell for me since i started working here two years ago, so I tend to not socialize with them unless it is work related. They take this as that I am shy or “uppity.” It’s not a fun position, but I really have no choice. The issues they caused was that usually my boyfriend (i work for the USAF, and he is active duty) will stop by my office to take me to lunch, and they didn’t like that my boyfriend would come by to pick me up, even though we do nothing but say “hello, how is your day” and continue on our way. No PDA in uniform, ya know.

So its just silly things like that they they pick up and run with, so i tend to just be out of their social circle, and get labeled shy. I know what you mean, its ANNOYING because i’m really an outgoing person. Any other squadron on base i am chatty with. This office in particular is just… gah!!
 
Interesting thread – I’m one of those people that some of my friends would say that I am shy but others wouldn’t. Workmates would say the same.

I get peeved when I am labelled and when other people get labelled as for may of us, as is clear from thread, our behaviour is situational. I can appear shy because there are times when I need to recharge my batteries, when I am not interested in a subject or where the others make it difficult for anyone, shy or otherwise to get a word in.

Also sometimes people can be seen as shy by others because we lack certain skills or were brought up in a family where certain behaviours were not allowed. For example, as an only child I didn’t need to learn the “push in” skills my cousins who had a number of siblings had so they got their share of the attention and food!!!.

Think I’d like to see the word “shy” disappear because it has often such negative connotations. Also it labels the person (usually adversely) and ignores that we all act differently in different situations.

Someone mentioned that being quiet can be mistaken for shyness - as an introvert I need time to think about what I am going to say so I get it correct. Some extraverts, uncomfortable with the silence, start talking and I never to get to say what I was going to say.

Stromssa thank you for mentioning Elaine Aron’s “The Highly Sensitive Person” which I discovered about five years ago. This book was a revelation for me especially the part about people responding differently to stimuli. It made me realise that a lot of my behaviour is due to this. It’s difficult to take part in a conversation when everything seems so loud or to enjoy a sporting event when you are overwhelmed by the number of people there and the pre-match entertainment.

Anne1964 couldn’t improve on your “I am frequently told that I am shy. I’m introverted, but not shy. Like other posters on this thread, I will say something when I think it’s important, but I have always been more of a listener than a speaker. Like all introverts I need time alone to recharge my batteries. Being around extroverted people that talk all the time is exhausting and I feel like the energy is being sucked right out of me. It almost feels like an assault.”

But then we introverts also have to remember the effect that introvert behaviour can have on them. They need stimulation, interaction to develop their ideas and if we don’t give it, then they will try to get it by talking more and more loudly.
 
sunshine, i can relate. i’m in all these clubs and sports and involved in youth group, yet people consider me shy. True, that i don’t talk as often as i should but i prefer “Quality over qaunity”(plus i’m tired ALL the time so i never feel like talking) if i’m going to say something, i’m going to make it worthwhile. and i talk to a lot of people that i’m not use to talking to also.

So i think your doing just fine…from what iread you seem a lot out-going than will ever be.
 
Tell them that the world is filled with noise and people in love with the sound of their own voices. If you can speak up for yourself and your words have power and meaning, than you are fine.I wish more people would talk only when they had something to say.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top