Being EMHC too difficult

[Lovemyfaith]

A former parochial vicar in our parish asked my husband to be an EMHC. My husband has never really been comfortable in the position, for many reasons. It recently came to his attention there are specific members of our parish, people who serve in various ministries who are pro-choice, even to the point of defending Planned Parenthood. There are also EMHCs who were supporters of the pro-choice candidate in the past election. With the election results being a majority of Catholics supporting the pro-choice candidate, my husband was very disheartened .

He spoke to a few Spiritual Advisors, not in our parish, who suggested he leave that ministry. He then wrote a letter to the person who does the schedule for the EMHC explaining his feelings. The reply he received was extremely hurtful. Not only did she imply he was just trying to get out of working, but also she specifically mentioned that she personally does not judge others for their actions, that is only for God to do and we should now offer our prayers for the elected official.

I am now wondering what my husband could have done to avoid the wrath of this scheduler. My husband would like to get in touch with our pastor to discuss the tone of the reply he received, but I am not sure our pastor would want to be involved in this.

 

[Joannm]

A former parochial vicar in our parish asked my husband to be an EMHC. My husband has never really been comfortable in the position, for many reasons. It recently came to his attention there are specific members of our parish, people who serve in various ministries who are pro-choice, even to the point of defending Planned Parenthood. There are also EMHCs who were supporters of the pro-choice candidate in the past election. With the election results being a majority of Catholics supporting the pro-choice candidate, my husband was very disheartened .

He spoke to a few Spiritual Advisors, not in our parish, who suggested he leave that ministry. He then wrote a letter to the person who does the schedule for the EMHC explaining his feelings. The reply he received was extremely hurtful. Not only did she imply he was just trying to get out of working, but also she specifically mentioned that she personally does not judge others for their actions, that is only for God to do and we should now offer our prayers for the elected official.

I am now wondering what my husband could have done to avoid the wrath of this scheduler. My husband would like to get in touch with our pastor to discuss the tone of the reply he received, but I am not sure our pastor would want to be involved in this.

IF your husband feels strongly about leaving the misnistry then that is fine and good and the coordinator would probably have graciously accepted his resignation. I for one think that making judgements upon certain people in the ministry was what caused the coordinator to come on strongly in her reply, and if I received a letter criticizing some people in the ministry for voting for Obama, or any other candidate, then I probably would have also writtin back that we are not to judge and to offer prayers for the official. That is the Christian thing to do. No one, but God, can judge the hearts of anyone. Perhaps her tone was wrong, and she should have not suggested that he does not want to work, but, and without seeing the letter, it sounds as if what she said about judging was not off the mark.

 

[Lovemyfaith]

IF your husband feels strongly about leaving the misnistry then that is fine and good and the coordinator would probably have graciously accepted his resignation. I for one think that making judgements upon certain people in the ministry was what caused the coordinator to come on strongly in her reply, and if I received a letter criticizing some people in the ministry for voting for Obama, or any other candidate, then I probably would have also writtin back that we are not to judge and to offer prayers for the official. That is the Christian thing to do. No one, but God, can judge the hearts of anyone. Perhaps her tone was wrong, and she should have not suggested that he does not want to work, but, and without seeing the letter, it sounds as if what she said about judging was not off the mark.

But wasn’t her letter in fact judging my husband? Further, his note didn’t have any commentary on how people voted, only that should someone who openly supports planned parenthood or other non-catholic teachings, approach him for Holy Communion he would be at a loss. I am not sure if the Christian thing to do is to write back with advice on her own personal opinion. If I were in her position, I most likely would have referred the letter to the pastor if I was so concerned.
Our priest friends who advised my husband were quite clear that distributing Our Lord to someone who was against the principals of the Catholic church is improper. It is more than a judgment issue, it is a morality issue. While my husband could have resigned and not given a reason, he was advised his reason was fine.

 

[panther]

I am an EMCH and I distribute to whomever comes in my line. I have no doubt that there are many who receive the Eucharist who are in a state of mortal sin; however, I cannot read their souls, nor is it my job to do so.

There are also those who I may think are in a state of mortal sin, but who have just come from confession and/or have amended their ways.

Ultimately, the individual is responsible for him or herself:

“**Everyone must test himself **before eating from the bread and drinking from the cup. For he who eats and drinks eats and drinks judgment on himself if he does not discern the body.”

I Corinthians 11:28-29

It is between that person and God, either for grace or for judgment.

 

[Orogeny]

But wasn’t her letter in fact judging my husband?

I don’t know because I didn’t see either letter. However, I do find it ironic that you and your husband are hurt because he was judged by someone else. I see this as a learning opportunity for both of you.

Further, his note didn’t have any commentary on how people voted, only that should someone who openly supports planned parenthood or other non-catholic teachings, approach him for Holy Communion he would be at a loss. I am not sure if the Christian thing to do is to write back with advice on her own personal opinion. If I were in her position, I most likely would have referred the letter to the pastor if I was so concerned.

Well, perhaps she should have responded differently, but so what. She is not doing anything different than your husband did.

Our priest friends who advised my husband were quite clear that distributing Our Lord to someone who was against the principals of the Catholic church is improper. It is more than a judgment issue, it is a morality issue. While my husband could have resigned and not given a reason, he was advised his reason was fine.

Do those priests refuse to distribute communion to the people your husband has a problem with? Does your bishop know about that?

I think that your husband should have just stepped down from the ministry without any commentary.

Peace

Tim

 

[puzzleannie]

the communication should have been IMO in person, with the priest in private, and posed as a question and concern, asking for clarifiction of the protester’s own role and its meaning. The pastor, not the people who make the shedule, is ultimately responsible, and he should give the explanation, and he should receive your resignation. But in these cases it is always protocol and common courtesy to give the pastor a chance first to give his reasons for any policy or action.

 

[Lovemyfaith]

your husband should have just stepped down from the ministry without any commentary.
Peace

Tim

My husband was advised, by several priest friends, that he should step down if he was uncomfortable being an EMHC. All of those priests, including a pastor recommended he give his reason. My husband would have gone directly to our pastor however our pastor chooses not to involve himself in scheduling. He doesn’t see copies of the schedule at any time nor does he approve or comment on them. I am not sure if the pastor is even aware of who most EMHCs are. My husband noted in his letter to share his concerns with the pastor and to please have the pastor get in touch with him if he had any questions or concerns.

It was not the scheduler’s place to offer commentary, that should have been left to the pastor if the pastor felt it was necessary. Her job was simply to remove him from the schedule and inform the pastor if she was concerned.

 

[Servulus]

With regard to one of your original questions…

I am now wondering what my husband could have done to avoid the wrath of this scheduler. .

Since serving as an EMHC is a voluntary position, your husband was under no obligation to offer any reasons for his request to be removed from the schedule. He could simply have said something like:

“Please remove my name from the EMHC schedule as of XXX/XX/2008. I have appreciated serving the parish in this way, and will continue to pray for the effectiveness of this ministry.”

Alternatively, if he wanted to offer some explanation, he might have written:

“Due to conflicting personal commitments, I must withdraw from service as an EMHC effective XXX/XX/2008. I have appreciated serving the parish in this way, and will continue to pray for the effectiveness of this ministry.”

Obviously, in his case, the commitments are to the pro-life cause and to the appropriate reverence for Our Lord in the Eucharist. The scheduler, however, has no need or right to the specifics, ahd your husband has no obligation to reveal them.

This is all hindsight, of course, but it may be helpful if someone questions him about his decision going forward.

 

[Lovemyfaith]

I cannot read their souls, nor is it my job to do so.

My husband was given instruction in our parish that if he was concerned about distributing Communion to any specific person he should not do so. Knowing that someone is a strong supporter of Planned Parenthood is a condition that makes my husband uncomfortable. Perhaps you would be fine with that, my husband is not. I would hope anyone would understand my husband’s feelings of not wanting to put himself in that positon, and excuse himself.
I guess my husband could have made up a lie about his reasons for leaving the ministry or said nothing at all. He chose not to and again gave opportunity for the pastor to be made aware of his reason and to contact him for any reason. The pastor was welcome to do that, the scheduler’s specific comments on my husband were not necessary.

 

[Lovemyfaith]

With regard to one of your original questions…

Since serving as an EMHC is a voluntary position, your husband was under no obligation to offer any reasons for his request to be removed from the schedule. He could simply have said something like:

“Please remove my name from the EMHC schedule as of XXX/XX/2008. I have appreciated serving the parish in this way, and will continue to pray for the effectiveness of this ministry.”

Alternatively, if he wanted to offer some explanation, he might have written:

“Due to conflicting personal commitments, I must withdraw from service as an EMHC effective XXX/XX/2008. I have appreciated serving the parish in this way, and will continue to pray for the effectiveness of this ministry.”

Obviously, in his case, the commitments are to the pro-life cause and to the appropriate reverence for Our Lord in the Eucharist. The scheduler, however, has no need or right to the specifics, ahd your husband has no obligation to reveal them.

This is all hindsight, of course, but it may be helpful if someone questions him about his decision going forward.

You are right, and perhaps that is what my husband should have done, however, he was advised to give his reason along with his hope that his reason be shared with the pastor so the pastor had the opportunity to get back to him if he wanted to.

Our family is very committed to the Pro-Life cause. We have so many extended family members who find it easier to stay silent on this issue and wonder who will be left to speak for the unborn.

 

[tee_eff_em]

:twocents: FWIW; 20/20 Hindsight, Water under the bridge and all that…

My husband was given instruction in our parish that if he was concerned about distributing Communion to any specific person he should not do so. Knowing that someone is a strong supporter of Planned Parenthood is a condition that makes my husband uncomfortable. Perhaps you would be fine with that, my husband is not. I would hope anyone would understand my husband’s feelings of not wanting to put himself in that positon, and excuse himself.
I guess my husband could have made up a lie about his reasons for leaving the ministry or said nothing at all. He chose not to and again gave opportunity for the pastor to be made aware of his reason and to contact him for any reason. The pastor was welcome to do that, the scheduler’s specific comments on my husband were not necessary.

No need to lie. The only reason that needs be proffered is:
I am uncomfortable serving in this ministry.
If pressed, and if your husband was instructed as you relate above, he could say:
I am uncomfortable discerning the worthiness of communicants.

:twocents:
tee

 

[Orogeny]

My husband was advised, by several priest friends, that he should step down if he was uncomfortable being an EMHC. All of those priests, including a pastor recommended he give his reason. My husband would have gone directly to our pastor however our pastor chooses not to involve himself in scheduling. He doesn’t see copies of the schedule at any time nor does he approve or comment on them. I am not sure if the pastor is even aware of who most EMHCs are. My husband noted in his letter to share his concerns with the pastor and to please have the pastor get in touch with him if he had any questions or concerns.

It is not up to any lay person to decide not to schedule a person as an EMHC because of that person’s beliefs. That is solely the job of the pastor. I can’t believe that your priest friends would have told you to go to the scheduler rather than the pastor.

It was not the scheduler’s place to offer commentary, that should have been left to the pastor if the pastor felt it was necessary. Her job was simply to remove him from the schedule and inform the pastor if she was concerned.

It was not your husband’s place to offer comments about other EMHCs either, but he decided to. I actually don’t have a problem with letting the pastor know why your husband doesn’t want to be an EMHC any more. I just don’t understand why you think it was so wrong for the scheduler to comment to your husband. After all, at least she was addressing the person (your husband) directly rather than commenting to someone else and hoping that the word eventually gets to the pastor.

Peace

Tim

 

[teachccd]

:twocents: FWIW; 20/20 Hindsight, Water under the bridge and all that…

No need to lie. The only reason that needs be proffered is:*I am uncomfortable serving in this ministry.*If pressed, and if your husband was instructed as you relate above, he could say:I am uncomfortable discerning the worthiness of communicants.:twocents:
tee

To the OP,

As if any communicant is worthy?? Oh come now. If your husband does not want to be an EMHC then so be it. But to remove yourself because you are the judge and jury of souls then one must discern themselves.I am a EMHC and I know that I am a sinner as well as all who come to receive from me. NO ONE can say that another is to be denied the Eucharist. That discernment is placed soley on the person receiving.

He who is without sin cast the first stone---------Jesus

I respect your husband’s concerns as I am very conservative myself and agree with Church teachings regarding marriage. So, if your husband, as anyone not comfortable in their ministry, wishes to leave no one should fight him on the issue. He says good-bye and they say o.k. We are not slaves to any ministry. It should come from our hearts. Perhaps your husband can contribute his time whereby everyone is more happy…teachccd

 

[DJgang]

I think everything will be just fine. You husband should have resigned, I don’t blame him at all for not wanting to give communion to someone that he knows strongly supports PP.

I would have probably done the same thing!

 

[Lovemyfaith]

It is not up to any lay person to decide not to schedule a person as an EMHC because of that person’s beliefs. That is solely the job of the pastor. I can’t believe that your priest friends would have told you to go to the scheduler rather than the pastor.
Peace

Tim

Our pastor has nothing to do with scheduling, nor does he ever see the schedule. My husband never told the scheduler who to schedule or not. He simply asked that he be removed from the list. The priest who advised my husband simply told my husband to request being removed from the list. My husband did that and added to his letter to please let his concerns be known to the pastor and the pastor was welcome to contact my husband with any further comments.

 

[tee_eff_em]

I recognize that you addressed the OP, but in doing so you quoted words that I put into her mouth. Words that I chose for the sake of brevity.

To the OP,

As if any communicant is worthy??

I used the word *worthiness *in addressing the condition related by the OP:

My husband was given instruction in our parish that if he was concerned about distributing Communion to any specific person he should not do so.

I should not have done so. Mea culpa.
Perhaps *preparedness *would have been a better choice. Perhaps not.

tee

 

[Lovemyfaith]

I actually don’t have a problem with letting the pastor know why your husband doesn’t want to be an EMHC any more. I just don’t understand why you think it was so wrong for the scheduler to comment to your husband. After all, at least she was addressing the person (your husband) directly rather than commenting to someone else and hoping that the word eventually gets to the pastor.

Peace

Tim

My husband did not ask for the scheduler’s opinion nor advice. His request was to be removed from the list and to forward his comments to the pastor. Our pastor is a bit removed from the every day workings of the parish My husband was hoping to allow our pastor to decide if he did want to be involved. For all we know the pastor may choose to not respond at all.

I once had the job of scheduling Altar Servers. Many times I would receive requests to remove children on certain days because they had a sports game or birthday party. It was never my place to decide if their reasons were good or fair. Had someone specifically told me their child could not serve because of a baseball game and would I please ask the pastor if he felt that was acceptable, I would have done just that without giving the person my unsolicited advice.

 

[reginacaeli]

To the OP,

Your husband obeyed the advice of Priests to the best of his ability. Perhaps the way his letter of resignation was written was not the most prudential (having not seen it). But if you are obeying, don’t worry about the reprecussions of obedience. Pray for the scheduler and the EMHC ministry at the parish and move on. Offer up any hurt feelings to the pro-life cause. Let it go. The scheduler is not going to understand and no one, including the pastor, can make her. If anything, her response is a good indication that your husband did the right thing.

 

[Orogeny]

Our pastor has nothing to do with scheduling, nor does he ever see the schedule. My husband never told the scheduler who to schedule or not. He simply asked that he be removed from the list. The priest who advised my husband simply told my husband to request being removed from the list. My husband did that and added to his letter to please let his concerns be known to the pastor and the pastor was welcome to contact my husband with any further comments.

This has nothing to do with scheduling, it has to do with the disposition of other members of the congregation. Or maybe I am completely missing the point. You said in your orginal post that your husband stepped down as an EMHC because he was disheartened by the support some ministry leaders and other EMHCs for PP. He decided, after consulting priests from other parishes, to step down as an EMHC. He sent a letter to the scheduler to let her know not only that he was stepping down by WHY he was stepping down. That is why she responded back in a way that you and your husband found to be inappropriate.

Let me try to make my position clear here. I support your husband stepping down if he felt that he could not continue serving. HOWEVER, his reasons for stepping down are not the concern of the scheduler, whom ever that may be. His reasons are a pastoral issue, not a scheduling issue. He should have confined his comments to the PASTOR who is responsible for PASTORAL issues. It is not the scheduler’s job to pass your husband’s concern on to the pastor.

Now, having said that, have you or your husband spoken to your pastor yet? If not, call him today. Let him do his job.

Peace

Tim

 

[Orogeny]

My husband did not ask for the scheduler’s opinion nor advice. His request was to be removed from the list and to forward his comments to the pastor. Our pastor is a bit removed from the every day workings of the parish My husband was hoping to allow our pastor to decide if he did want to be involved. For all we know the pastor may choose to not respond at all.

Then why not approach the pastor personally rather than through a surrogate? Are you afraid of him?

I once had the job of scheduling Altar Servers. Many times I would receive requests to remove children on certain days because they had a sports game or birthday party. It was never my place to decide if their reasons were good or fair. Had someone specifically told me their child could not serve because of a baseball game and would I please ask the pastor if he felt that was acceptable, I would have done just that without giving the person my unsolicited advice.

Fine. Your scheduler was wrong.

Have you spoken to your pastor yet?

Peace

Tim