Being forgotten feels rotten

  • Thread starter Thread starter JLCecilia
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
J

JLCecilia

Guest
One of my co-workers’ last day is today. Our secretary came by to tell me they were going to lunch at noon. I told her to be sure and come get me b/c I wanted to go. Later I came by to let her know that I found another gal to cover the phones for us.

About 5 till I got up to use the restroom and had a sneaking suspicion that the quiet was a sign I’d missed the boat. Went into the main office and sure enough, they’d left without me.

I know what I shoulda done: I should have gone in at 10 till and let them know I was ready. I should have gone ahead and gone on my own, I was only 5 minutes behind. But I was just too embarrassed, I went ahead and ran my errands that I really needed to attend to.

I came back to the office at 1240 and let the gal here know I was back. She said the others called at 20 after to say they were waiting on me to order. Oh well, I said. Like I was gonna drive myself when they all drove together. How embarrassing! I know I’m dwelling here, but I remember 6 years ago when my co-workers forgot about me to go downstairs to the cafeteria for the Christmas luncheon our employer provides for us. I was too embarrassed to go down alone and look for them. Turns out, I actually had to walk by the cafeteria to get to my car. I had even dressed up and everything.

I know, I know, I’m my own worst enemy.
 
You should have just gone. Oh well. At least you got your errand run.
 
JLCecilia,

I think you know the answer to this one.

By the way, here’s a true and embarrassing story from the other side of this. My husband and I had a very, very small wedding and we were planning on having the priest and some friends join us for a small lunch at home. Well, guess what–in all of the considerable excitement of the occasion, we left the priest behind. Oops!

Do what will bring you more joy, even when you feel slighted or forgotten.
 
It is awful to be overlooked or forgotten. Is there someone at work you could talk to over a coffee and explain how you feel? Explain how it seems that everyone is leaving you out and it is upsetting. If you don’t tell someone, they may never know that they hurt you. Sometimes we can be so inconsiderate without malice. This is just a suggestion, only you know whether it could work for you.

At our place of work, we look round for colleagues and ensure everyone has a lift before we leave as a group.

Even though we all know God is with us all of the time, we do need people to talk, laugh and cry with.

Am saying a prayer for you.
 
You still remember and are bothered by something that happened six years ago? And both times they were things you could have gone on and went to yourself. I mean this time they even called to see if you were coming so they could order. I don’t get it, sorry.
 
JLCecilia said:
One of my co-workers’ last day is today. Our secretary came by to tell me they were going to lunch at noon. I told her to be sure and come get me b/c I wanted to go. Later I came by to let her know that I found another gal to cover the phones for us.

About 5 till I got up to use the restroom and had a sneaking suspicion that the quiet was a sign I’d missed the boat. Went into the main office and sure enough, they’d left without me.

I know what I shoulda done: I should have gone in at 10 till and let them know I was ready. I should have gone ahead and gone on my own, I was only 5 minutes behind. But I was just too embarrassed, I went ahead and ran my errands that I really needed to attend to.

I came back to the office at 1240 and let the gal here know I was back. She said the others called at 20 after to say they were waiting on me to order. Oh well, I said. Like I was gonna drive myself when they all drove together. How embarrassing! I know I’m dwelling here, but I remember 6 years ago when my co-workers forgot about me to go downstairs to the cafeteria for the Christmas luncheon our employer provides for us. I was too embarrassed to go down alone and look for them. Turns out, I actually had to walk by the cafeteria to get to my car. I had even dressed up and everything.

I know, I know, I’m my own worst enemy.
Click to expand...
JLCecilia, you sound exactly like my daughter! I’ve made a point of counselling her very strongly when she has these experiences because I was similar when I was a young woman and I look back with regret and annoyance at myself for being such a princess at times.

When there is a bigger group dynamic going on we have to expect to fend for ourselves slightly more than if its just a group of 3 or so where a missing body is noticable. In a big group, people have less sense of being accountable for each other individually… unless one person has been appointed to be accountable.

In future, make a point of not taking this kind of thing personally and suck up your embarassment and go along. What you’ve done here is ‘bitten off your nose to spite your face’ and its still niggling at you when if you’d gone along, not taken it personally and had a nice lunch and a few laughs… you’d not have even remembered that little first glitch now.

(Sorry if my tone sounds like a mother. I’m imagining you as my daughter. She’s really great about those things now though. It just takes practicing a healthy reaction whenever it happens and it becomes second nature. 🙂 )
 
7armyrugrats said:
You still remember and are bothered by something that happened six years ago? And both times they were things you could have gone on and went to yourself. I mean this time they even called to see if you were coming so they could order. I don’t get it, sorry.
Click to expand...
Yeah, they happened to call when I’d already left to run my errands, so I didn’t know about that till I got back to the office. Oh well. You are a blessed soul, I wish I could grow in personal holiness to learn to forgive and forget. Perhaps it’s good you cannot relate, you are bold enough to do what is clearly right to avoid these sorts of predicaments, but I am very shy and this is something I struggle to do.
 
JLCecilia said:
Yeah, they happened to call when I’d already left to run my errands, so I didn’t know about that till I got back to the office. Oh well. You are a blessed soul, I wish I could grow in personal holiness to learn to forgive and forget. Perhaps it’s good you cannot relate, you are bold enough to do what is clearly right to avoid these sorts of predicaments, but I am very shy and this is something I struggle to do.
Click to expand...
Here’s a different solution. It sounds like you work in a different part of the office from the rest of the team. Next time you hear about a group outing - use the restroom at 10 or 15 of and then wait in the main part of the office for everyone to join. Or when you told your friend you’d gotten someone else to cover the phones, also tell her to call you when the group is ready.

You are an adult and peer of these folks. They don’t think they have to count heads like it was a school outing. Either be ready to go when it is time to go (not in the restroom), or get yourself there, or if necessary use your cell to call them and ask them to wait up for you!

Shyness can be very difficult, but like other traits, you can work to change it. It is hard, but it is worth it. You don’t need to become totally outgoing, but you should work to not be embarrassed into inaction. Your work-mates like you and include you, they won’t notice or care if you show up a bit late. But they will wonder if you keep missing group outings.
 
Lately, everyone is beginning statements with, “In a perfect world…”

Pardon me, but one of them should have found you and let you know they were leaving. Calling to see if you are coming after they get there is inconsiderate–they needed to make sure you were on your way with them before they left even if it meant waiting a few minutes for a trip to the restroom. Or someone could have said, meet you there. It’s all about good manners in the workplace.

What I see here is exclusionary behavior: The condition or fact of being excluded. Telling them how you feel about it would make you feel better and get closure on it. Perhaps they will be moved to apologize.

This happens frequently to a friend and she gets really heartbroken. My friend says “I would never do that to them,” but we know not everyone is the same as us. All you can do is forgive them and don’t take it personal. You can only be accountable for what you do. You can’t control what they do.

Consider it done and a non-issue. Easy to say, hard to do, when you’re hurt so deeply.
 
I’ve seen it happen in workplaces.

If it really has only happened twice in six years, then in charity you ought not assume that anyone is intentionally dissing or excluding you. Especially at this time of year everyone tends to have more on their plate than usual, and so mistakes can happen.

I’d start to worry only if it were a frequent/regular thing.
 
acadiANNA said:
My friend says “I would never do that to them,” but we know not everyone is the same as us.
Click to expand...
This type of thought can be misleading for you though. We really don’t know how we come across to others often times. I remember a friend telling me once she got to know me really well, that she had thought I was aloof and snobby when she first met me? What?? You’re kidding me! I was the most scarred little rabbit in the headlights I ever knew. I always felt so shy and inferior around all the other confident outgoing people in the situation and I longed for someone to take me under their wing and include me in the group. Anyway over time, I pushed myself and found that once I’d made my intentions of wanting to be part of them, clear… the rest just flowed. You have to make a point of giving people the benefit of the doubt unless they’ve made it really obvious to you that they are in fact deliberately excluding you for some reason. We have to ditch the princess mentality which conveys badly in spirit to the world at large.
 
JLCecilia said:
Yeah, they happened to call when I’d already left to run my errands, so I didn’t know about that till I got back to the office. Oh well. You are a blessed soul, I wish I could grow in personal holiness to learn to forgive and forget. Perhaps it’s good you cannot relate, you are bold enough to do what is clearly right to avoid these sorts of predicaments, but I am very shy and this is something I struggle to do.
Click to expand...
I, too, am very shy. But holding onto events as minor as these for six years is not good for a person. It has nothing to do with forgive and forget or being shy. It has to do with having a pity party and viewing yourself as a victim. It does great harm to you, it does nothing to anyone else.

I am not trying to be mean or make you think I am better than you. You have no idea what my life is like or what I struggle with. I only know about what you put up on this public forum. We are strangers, but sister Catholics. My hope for you is to see that you are on a path of self destruction with the way you view your own life and the you handle your stresses. I was at one point in my younger days quite a bit like you. I loved to have pity parties and I was very needy of sympathy. I regret it terribly–all those wasted years! When I saw my kids mimicking my pessimism and self pity I knew I needed to fix my ways so that they would learn healthy habits instead.

I had four kids before I turned 25 (I consider that young). #4 was my first daughter. I knew that I had to teach her better and her big brothers deserved it too. I couldn’t stand the idea of my daughter making her own life more difficult than it needed to be. That is why I changed my outlook and that is why I pray you change yours. You do deserve better. You are your own worse enemy just as I was, just as a lot of people are. It’s not healthy for you and it’s not good for your family. I am still painfully shy and I have very few friends. My husband and I still have our problems. My kids are certainly not angels. But you know what? We are joyful now and we don’t dwell on the negatives. My troubles are no worse than anyone else’s and honestly are easier than many other people’s. It’s all how you choose to look at life and the way you choose to react to it.

I really do wish you the very best. I pray that you can see the blessings instead of the pitfalls.
 
Seriously?! I see one of my co-workers carrying food into the office this morning. I think nothing of it, thinking it must be their bi-weekly meeting. Now I hear them in there singing Happy Birthday to someone. I have no ideas whose birthday it is, nobody told me or emailed me. I would have liked to have known so I could bring something to help celebrate.

I mean, I can TELL them to please let me know next time, but I’ve done this a dozen times before and I’m STILL out of the loop. Oh well. I’ve always kind of been on the fringe anyway.
 
JLCecilia said:

“Now I hear them in there singing Happy Birthday to someone. I have no ideas whose birthday it is, nobody told me or emailed me. I would have liked to have known so I could bring something to help celebrate.”

It might be something as simple as your name got left off of a big group list that is being used and reused.
 
LongingSoul said:
I always felt so shy and inferior around all the other confident outgoing people in the situation and I longed for someone to take me under their wing and include me in the group.
Click to expand...
Me to a tee. Thank you LongingSoul. I know, I know, it’s no excuse. I’m a grown person, I have to just get over my shy tendacies and take care of myself, not expect others to do it. I don’t think for one second that my co-workers forget me on purpose. As I said before, I’ve always been shy, but it’s one thing when I decline an offer thereby ostracizing myself, it’s another to be completely ommitted.

One of my co-workers came by later to invite me to help myself to the spread. As it turns out, it was put on entirely by one girl - kind of a people-pleaser, and oddly enough, the one who complains the most about being strapped. So, now I don’t feel so bad about not participating. Perhaps she just needs some extra praise or likes playing the martyr. Either way, I’ll still be sure to let them know that I’d be happy to participate next time if they’ll just email me - even if they ignore my offer as they have before.
 
It was stuff like this that led to me deciding to do everything I could to keep office relationships strictly professional. About 15 years ago I moved into a new position and the guys in the group had a weekly poker game and a twice-weekly basketball league. Neither was anything formal and more people were always welcome, but unless you were invited you really couldn’t go because they weren’t always held in the same place. I had two different coworkers tell me they’d start including me on the invitations but it never happened. I spent a few months trying to work my way into the group but nothing I did worked. I finally decided that it wasn’t worth the stress. I was friendly at work and had one or two people I genuinely got to be friends with, but otherwise I left it all behind when my shift ended. Office cliques can be worse than the ones in high school and there have been several times that I benefited greatly by being an outsider to all the drama.
 
Hah! The best part about my birthday this year was the NOBODY knew it was my birthday at work! I made up a new birthday list to add our new co-workers to and intentionally took mine off. I hate getting that birthday card that everyone’s forced to sign. I also hate everyone asking me all day long what I’m doing/getting b/c it’s usually nothing. Our office also voted awhile back that the birthday person has to bring treats for their own birthday b/c it was getting to be too much of a hardship for EVERYONE to bring something every time someone else had a birthday. Since nobody knew it was my birthday, I didn’t feel bad about not bringing treats. No matter what, it’s usually the same people participating no matter the event. I think it’s lame to make the birthday person treat everyone else. I may propose that we just have one treat day a month in honor of all the birthdays that month.

Technichally I work for both the upstairs AND downstairs staff, so I’d have to bring double the treats. Ah, forget it! Now I just bring treats when I’m able/feel like it, usually for no other reason than I had something else to make them for and just decided to double my batch.

Gordon Sims, yes, being the outsider has afforded me the benefit of not feeling pressured to spend my own money (which I’m not able to spare) on office projects. I know our dying patients are in need, but I have 4 little ones to feed and I don’t need to be a martyr in order to appear charitable.
 
Well, I asked her to come get me b/c I get caught up in my work and lose track of time, which is exactly what happened. I know, not anybody else’s fault, perhaps I should have just set the timer on my phone like I do for everything else. Details weren’t given as far as ‘everyone meet in the main office’ or ‘everyone meet at the restaurant.’ I guess I just assumed that since everyone else left and rode together that the latter wasn’t the plan. If it had been, I might have had no qualms about taking myself there, late or not.

I don’t think anybody knew I was late, they were already gone when I left my office to get around, so nobody was actually waiting on me. If they were, they could have easily rung me at my desk. I would’ve taken myself if they had just let me know they were leaving.

Bottom line, my fault. Oh well.
 
JLCecilia said:
Gordon Sims, yes, being the outsider has afforded me the benefit of not feeling pressured to spend my own money (which I’m not able to spare) on office projects. I know our dying patients are in need, but I have 4 little ones to feed and I don’t need to be a martyr in order to appear charitable.
Click to expand...
I’ve always worked the off shifts so I was always “blessed” with having to deal with people who, since they weren’t there when I contributed to office functions, assumed I hadn’t contributed and would yell at, spread rumors about and even send out emails about me and the others on my shift. One of the last ones I contributed to, I bought all the plasticware & plates and set up all the decorations before the main shifts got in. We had a newborn and a 1-year-old at the time and I gave more than I could actually afford. When I got back that evening I had a small group tell me I wasn’t allowed to have any of the leftovers (I missed out on all the good, fresh food) because I hadn’t donated to the party. I don’t miss those days.
 
JLCecilia said:
Well, I asked her to come get me b/c I get caught up in my work and lose track of time, which is exactly what happened. I know, not anybody else’s fault, perhaps I should have just set the timer on my phone like I do for everything else. Details weren’t given as far as ‘everyone meet in the main office’ or ‘everyone meet at the restaurant.’ I guess I just assumed that since everyone else left and rode together that the latter wasn’t the plan. If it had been, I might have had no qualms about taking myself there, late or not.

I don’t think anybody knew I was late, they were already gone when I left my office to get around, so nobody was actually waiting on me. If they were, they could have easily rung me at my desk. I would’ve taken myself if they had just let me know they were leaving.

Bottom line, my fault. Oh well.
Click to expand...
This doesn’t sound like embarrassment-a-thought, but embarrassment-a-feeling–you felt that you’d missed the bus, so to speak, and that was that. It is fine to take lessons for the future from this, but don’t beat yourself up. Your fault, maybe; you’re a bad person for having made a mistake: no.

Tell the person who let you know about the outing in the first place that you take the responsibility and don’t blame them, but that you’re very shy and let that get in the way of just catching up with everyone. Do apologize that they waited for you before ordering. As long as they know you don’t believe they ought to be embarrassed, I think it will be OK.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top