Being friends after a break up,

[taylormcbee]

Is this a good idea? me and my girlfriend were together for one year and 3 months and recently broke up, her mother , and my mother both thought it was for the best, we are still friends we are acutally best friends , both our parents support that, we are both 21 but since i am a college student and she still lives at home i think its important and good that we have our parents in our lifes still. but anyway i am still friends with her familyh and talk on email with her mom regualry, is this a good idea or not ?
Thanks
Taylor

 

[abominableangel]

why did the parents believe it was for the best, do you think it was for the best?

remaining friends always sounds like a good idea in the beginning, but as time moves on and new people or new boyfriends/girlfriends come in it can bring up some very strong feelings.

if your ex didnt like the decision to break up, you still being in contact with her mother may make her feel uncomfortable but only she can truly answer that for you.

if you moved on and told her mother of your new girlfriend it could cause upset and the same in reverse if your ex gets a new boyfriend and this upsets you, you may feel tempted to talk about your feelings with her mother which would put the mother in a difficult position, on the one side she feels for you but on the other she must be there for her daughter.

you dont say whether or not you both agreed to the split because of your own mutual agreement, but the way it reads is that the mothers made the decision for you.

but in a nut shell remaining friends may seem like a nice thing to do but at the future progresses the situation may become untenable

 

[taylormcbee]

why did the parents believe it was for the best, do you think it was for the best?

remaining friends always sounds like a good idea in the beginning, but as time moves on and new people or new boyfriends/girlfriends come in it can bring up some very strong feelings.

if your ex didnt like the decision to break up, you still being in contact with her mother may make her feel uncomfortable but only she can truly answer that for you.

if you moved on and told her mother of your new girlfriend it could cause upset and the same in reverse if your ex gets a new boyfriend and this upsets you, you may feel tempted to talk about your feelings with her mother which would put the mother in a difficult position, on the one side she feels for you but on the other she must be there for her daughter.

you dont say whether or not you both agreed to the split because of your own mutual agreement, but the way it reads is that the mothers made the decision for you.

but in a nut shell remaining friends may seem like a nice thing to do but at the future progresses the situation may become untenable

The decision to break up was hers but i think it was time we were fighting all the time and i went to church and prayed before the tabernancle and asked god what i should do , becuase i didn’t think we were right for each other but i didnt want to break her heart. so i guess Our lords answer was to break up adn i have prayed that we remain friends and it is all working out so . Also i don’t plan to talk to her mother about realation ship matters i know the kind of hardships that will bring.

 

[taylormcbee]

In my honest opion i do think its for the best i just dont know if i will ever find another girl and that is what bothers me

 

[Moore11]

In my honest opion i do think its for the best i just dont know if i will ever find another girl and that is what bothers me

Well, that will be an even bigger problem if you are close friends with someone with whom you used to date. Will she fill the role of a lifelong friend? Will she be your future wife’s bridesmaid? Will she be a Godparent to your 84 children. Will you be ok with being her friend watching her fall in love and live a life you probably think should be yours? Time to end it friendly and move on.

 

[abominableangel]

Its easy to worry about such things but truly you neednt … There will be others and there are ways to meet others … Things are new and maybe a little raw at the moment give yourself so time a bit of breathing space and when you least expect it someone will come into your life …

 

[Delaine75]

As someone who used to want to stay friends with almost every guy I broke up with, I can tell you from experience that it is a tricky path to go down. I’m sure in some instances, it’s totally possible. Often times, however, one person will always harbor that secret hope of getting back together and/or get completely jealous if the other person begins dating someone new. Then it becomes a whole tangled mess and ends up in a fight anyway.

Of course, everyone is different and I’m not saying it’s impossible to remain friends after a breakup, but it isn’t the easiest thing in the world!

 

[JaneBennet]

In my honest opion i do think its for the best i just dont know if i will ever find another girl and that is what bothers me

Do not ever stay with someone because you fear being alone. This is a mistake. If this is why you were with her then breaking up is for the best. Spend time developing yourself, and do not be afraid of the future with respect to the issue of finding someone. This fear drives us away from what God’s plan is for us.

Also, it is tricky to remain friends. Do the best you can, but if you start to feel personally compromised be prepared to lay it down and walk away.

 

[taylormcbee]

Do not ever stay with someone because you fear being alone. This is a mistake. If this is why you were with her then breaking up is for the best. Spend time developing yourself, and do not be afraid of the future with respect to the issue of finding someone. This fear drives us away from what God’s plan is for us.

Also, it is tricky to remain friends. Do the best you can, but if you start to feel personally compromised be prepared to lay it down and walk away.

Thank you for now i am going to remain friends but i am going to pray hard to become the best version of myself as god wants me to be and that i will find someone new and that friendship will work out, i would like to ask all of you to pray for me as well, i really could use it , also who is the patron saint of such things ?

 

[Kelfa28]

In my honest opion i do think its for the best i just dont know if i will ever find another girl and that is what bothers me

I said the exact same thing to myself after I broke up with my first boyfriend. About two years later I met my husband. Life is impossible to predict and God always has a plan you don’t always know about.

Honestly, I think it’s totally impossible to stay friends with an ex. At first it’s easy and then suddenly the ex finds someone else and develops feelings for this new person and potentially could marry this new person.

Could you stand by and watch this girl find and new man to start seeing and start seriously discerning marriage with?

My advice is if you are very sure there is no possibility of discerning marriage with this girl then be cordial to her but don’t look for a friendship.

 

[seekingadvice10]

Honestly, it’s going to be much more difficult down the road to remain friends. I think you might save yourself a lot of hurt if you are friendly but try not to keep in touch with your ex and her mom as much. It isn’t healthy. If you find a new potential girl to date, how do you think she will feel? You were with your ex for 1 year and 3 months I believe. That’s a long time. I would spend time away from your ex and spend more time with God. Hang out with some of your old friends more. Join the Young Adult Group. Hang out with your own mom more. It’s time to move on. If you still feel as though there is potential with your ex, and that you guys could work on your shortcomings, then pray about it and speak with a priest. But it sounds like it’s time to let go…

 

[Gorillaman]

Haha I read the first sentence and my response is NO! Either your friends or your more than that.

 

[LoyalViews]

I think you and her might have to sit and have a long talk, and see where both of you stand in this matter!

 

[SMHW]

At this point in your lives it is probably fine that you consider this young lady as your best friend and also are on close terms with her family.

But as others have suggested, it gets very tricky when one and/or the other of you develops an interest in a new person of the opposite sex. You will not only have do deal with the emotions that this triggers in you and your former girlfriend, but you will also have to deal with the emotions of the new friends and of the families of all concerned.

There are people who manage to maintain friendships with exes even after they go on to new relationships but I can almost guarantee that those friendships will not be able to maintain the “best friends” status that seems to be the case now. This is not because it is a “bad idea” but rather because it is generally not feasible. You and your ex aren’t the only ones who get to make the rules.

 

[Sirach614]

I’m going to speak as a guy in that very same position.

I dated a young woman for about a whole year, but our relationship was very shaky at times. We broke up 3 or 4 times within that year, and eventually came to the realization that God probably was not calling us to marriage with each other. But we were determined to stay friends because of the deep mutual respect we had, and have, for each other. Also, we wanted to keep the possibility open that perhaps we could be married some day when things are “right” with us.

She’s a recovering alcoholic, and was an “active” alcoholic throughout a majority of our relationship. I wasn’t aware of it, entirely…but i knew she drank more than most people her age and constantly cautioned her against the danger of alcohol abuse.

Anyway, she went to college and i didn’t hear from her for 6 months. And then she got expelled from school because of her alcoholism. I prayed every day, most of the time with tears in my eyes, that God NOT let her die from her addiction. She nearly did when she was at college, and it scared the **** out of me. So, she came back home and inevitably found her way back into my family. My parents always saw her as an “adopted daughter” of sorts because her family life is very shaky.

I guess, my point is that it can be done. When she and i hang out and have conversations, do i wish she was still my girlfriend and that i could wrap my arm around her and just hold her close? Absolutely. But we have the most amazing conversations and i feel like she helps me understand myself a little better when we talk, and i hope i do the same for her. She’s a very broken girl who needs some serious support and real love in her life. And she looks for love in the wrong places often. I dont see how I, in good conscience, can look that girl in the face and say i can no longer be friends with her because we are both (and i speak for myself, mostly) still attracted to each other. I know she wishes the same things from time to time, but we both have a firm resolve that we cant allow ourselves to be in a relationship, if ever. I dont think God wants us to no longer be friends, and i feel very strongly that there is a reason she is still in my life, and I know she feels the same way.

Now, if there comes a day when we both date someone else, or go our separate ways…then we’ll deal with that when that day comes. In short, please don’t listen to the people that tell you to walk away from her friendship. Jesus wouldn’t

God bless you.

 

[chevalier]

Is this a good idea? me and my girlfriend were together for one year and 3 months and recently broke up, her mother , and my mother both thought it was for the best, we are still friends we are acutally best friends , both our parents support that, we are both 21 but since i am a college student and she still lives at home i think its important and good that we have our parents in our lifes still. but anyway i am still friends with her familyh and talk on email with her mom regualry, is this a good idea or not ?
Thanks
Taylor

Well, Taylor, I can’t tell you without knowing you and your girlfriend and more details about the situation. It would be a great thing really if it were actually possible to remain friends without wrecking yourselves emotionally and entertaining the idea that you’re somehow still connected romantically, which could prevent you from getting married as normal.

I am somewhat skeptical of the ability to stay “just friends” unless contact is minimal and a lot of time has passed. Or attraction has ceased. I could probably, now close to 30, be friends with the classmates and others that I despaired over when I was 18 or 20. But more recent could-have-beens would be problematic. Then again, everybody’s personality is unique, yours is certainly different from mine. Your ex girlfriend’s is also different. Plus, you have your parents’ opinions and it’s a good idea to listen to your parents’ judgment because they’re generally wiser and see more things and in a clearer light.

But if I were to give you any advice, it would be to avoid getting beholden to that girl so that you can’t have a healthy romantic relationship with someone else (because that best friend is getting all the commitment or most of the commitment you can give to a woman).

 

[PatriceA]

Well, that will be an even bigger problem if you are close friends with someone with whom you used to date. Will she fill the role of a lifelong friend? Will she be your future wife’s bridesmaid? Will she be a Godparent to your 84 children. Will you be ok with being her friend watching her fall in love and live a life you probably think should be yours? Time to end it friendly and move on.

Not saying its what the OP should do, but these kind of possibilities do happen for some people. One of my bridesmaids was one of my husband’s former girlfriends and we are all lifelong friends. She was considered a candidate for our daughter’s godmother but we choose family instead. It is possible to be close to an ex, my husband and two of his former girlfriends are one example.

BUT, that did come with time and they did give each other breathing space after they broke up. It was only after a healing period of time for both of them that they were able to be close again. I would be concerned for the OP that the closeness or intensity of the relationship is still the same as when they were officially dating. There has to be a time to heal and gain some closure and that can’t be done if the two people are still so involved with each other as they were before they broke up.

As far as maintaining contact with the girlfriend’s mother and family, I’d be cautious about that was well. I would advise the OP to not seek out that connectedness, give your former girlfriend some space. There seems to be too much involvement by the parents in your relationship/friendship as it is.