Being friends with an ex

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MadetoLove

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Let me just say that I feel awkward sometimes hanging around my ex-boyfriend. He’s always going to be a part of my life one way or another since we have a child together :o
He’s been very helpful and supportive especially since I’ve been receiving treatment for cancer for the past few months. I live with my parents right now. He comes over pretty much every day. He eats dinner with me and the kids (I have two total) and sometimes we do other things together like grocery shopping and whatnot. sighs these are the kinds of things we did when we were together and I suppose there’s a part of me that wants to distance myself from it all. But then I feel guilty because he does a lot to help me out with the kids. I tried to tell him not too long ago that I don’t want to “hang out all the time” and he got really offended. We gradually started hanging out like normal again anyway:rolleyes:

I sat down and thought about whether or not we could ever work things out. I really feel at this point I could never date him again. He has a particular…issue that I couldn’t live with and he’s not a practicing Catholic which is another thing I don’t think I could ultimately live with. I still experience some “infatuation-like” feelings though when he’s around which makes me feel uncomfortable. I just know though he’s going to get offended if I were to try and distance myself from him again. I’m sorry if I sound selfish, I do appreciate his help but I’m just being honest when I say I feel uncomfortable around him. thoughts?
 
Since you have a child together, you most definitely will have to “be friends” forever now, or at least maintain a civil relationship for the sake of the child. As far as hanging out, or getting back together, that is a decision you should make together. If you find that “infatuation” feeling turn to love again, you should definitely let him know. But also be prepared for you, or for him to find someone new and start a new relationship. Best of luck and thoughts and prayers.
 
For the sake of the child, you need to remain civil with each other.
 
Not to rub it in, but I imagine this is one of many situations the Church intended to avoid by reserving sex for marriage. Right pickle, innit?

I don’t have much experience in relationships. My guess, based on what others seem to do, is, be honest. First, begin by telling him the good. You appreciate how much he does care for the kids. Thank him for the support during cancer. And when he says “but you want me to get out of your life”, tell him what you told us. Tell him about the problems you have with him. Something to the effect of, “I don’t like x; it makes me feel y.” At least, that’s what I was taught. Put the burden on yourself, and appeal to his better nature.

With any luck, he will try to behave better for your sake.

As for the Catholic thing, well, calm dialogue, if your relationship is capable of that and he is open to it, is never a bad idea. You’ll need to bring it up eventually, anyway, seeing as I expect you plan to raise your children in the faith.
 
Just some thoughts, to take or leave:
do you know how rare it is for ex-boyfriends to try to support their ex-girlfriends through a trial like cancer? Maybe I’m cynical, but I’ve seen a lot of guys hit the road when things get tough. He must care about both you and his child, to come around so often.
Have you gone to counseling? Have you discussed with him the issue that you couldn’t live with? If it’s not drug addiction or porn, you might ask him if he can change it.
He’s not a practicing Catholic? Is he any kind of Catholic? Would he be open to attending RCIA to learn more about the faith?
The best thing that you could do for your children is to give them a loving father, if at all possible. If things between you could be worked out, that would be ideal.

Praying for you.
 
Viki63 said:
Just some thoughts, to take or leave:
do you know how rare it is for ex-boyfriends to try to support their ex-girlfriends through a trial like cancer? Maybe I’m cynical, but I’ve seen a lot of guys hit the road when things get tough. He must care about both you and his child, to come around so often.
Have you gone to counseling? Have you discussed with him the issue that you couldn’t live with? If it’s not drug addiction or porn, you might ask him if he can change it.
He’s not a practicing Catholic? Is he any kind of Catholic? Would he be open to attending RCIA to learn more about the faith?
The best thing that you could do for your children is to give them a loving father, if at all possible. If things between you could be worked out, that would be ideal.

Praying for you.
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(bold emphasis mine)

He is a baptized Catholic (not confirmed), but he has a long history of addiction :(. He’s much more cleaned up these days than when we became a couple a few years ago. He did get a medication recently that was supposed to help him get off the drug he’s addicted to but insurance doesn’t cover it, and he doesn’t have a job.
He doesn’t pose a significant danger to our daughter though (I’m keeping a close eye on things). He’s actually a very loving, doting father. The good news is he’s actually making more of an effort to look for a job…now that his relatives are threatening to kick him out. 🤷

I think I feel uncomfortable around him because deep down I wish things could work out, but I know we just can’t be together. Too much stress, too much drama. I don’t even know why I’m fussing about this when I have all this cancer stuff going on. Very few things in my life are making sense right now.

TarkanAttila, I appreciate you expressing your opinion without being judgmental about it. Thank you. I’m a little sensitive about it :o. Not that this excuses it, but I grew up to be a very broken, insecure & naive young adult. I made some really bad choices. By God’s grace though I have been celibate for over 2 years now. I’m just hoping God will let me live long enough so I can continue doing the best I can looking after my kids.
 
We all do stupid things. :o Pity we only learn when it’s too late. I wonder what my life would be like if I had not developed a dependency for the computer early in life…

Stress and drama are not really a problem. They’ve characterised (at least partially) the most meaningful relationships in my life thus far. The best people in my life have caused me to think, and to change how I think and what I do. Sometimes they do it by showing you how not to think and what not to do, or a different way of thinking about things. Or what I may be doing wrong. My mother deserves more respect than I give her, for example. My pastor, Father Rob, is an Anglican Use priest with perspectives unique to me; he’s the one priest I’ve met who’s suggested not becoming a priest - for understandable reasons (it’s hard, etc).

Perhaps he is a blessing in disguise. Maybe he just needs a few years. God knows; I don’t. But unless you’ve got a better idea, maybe it would be best just to iron out your differences as best you can and live with the ones you cannot. Unfortunately, life tends to go that way.

A spiritual director could help you a lot more than I could. Or a couples therapist for one. Such things do exist. Maybe it’s wrong to suggest such a relationship between you and him, but… ehehehe… :o
 
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