Being in a wedding

[grumpygusguy]

You guys gave good advice last time, and even when it wasn’t what I wanted to hear everyone was very nice, so thank you again. I have another question that I need help with.

Is it ok to have groomsmen or bridesmaids in a wedding if they don’t like the person their friend or relative is marrying?

 

[MCGar]

I don’t know if this is deliberately vague in order to get answers that don’t take into account your specific situation or if you truly are bringing forth a hypothetical.

If you can’t bring yourself to find something to like about the person your friend or relative is marrying then obviously you can decline to be part of the ceremony. But with any choice or action there are real consequences. Those consequences most likely will be that you severely damage the relationship with friend/relative in question and more than likely upset many other people involved also.
The friend/relative would have a right to be upset that you couldn’t/wouldn’t support that person. Also the person marrying friend/relative would have a right not to want to have their new marriage involve anyone that does not support their relationship.

Do you see where this ends up?

So you could consciously object to being part of the ceremony and feel that you are standing up for your position, in turn the people getting married and those that support them have a right to their feelings of being either betrayed, unsupported, etc. and they have a right to choose how to interact with you based on those feelings.

Think long and hard about how you want to support your friend/relative before you make a choice.

 

[grumpygusguy]

Im sorry. I didnt mean to be vague to hide my circumstances, Im just embarrassed and kind of wanted yes or no.

But here it is. My bro just got engaged and it doesnt look like Im in the wedding even though we’ve always been close. I sent a text asking directly and all he said was he wasnt sure it would be appropriate because I dont like the bride. So I was kind of wondering if it would have been ok to let me be up there even though I dont like her.

 

[thewanderer]

Im sorry. I didnt mean to be vague to hide my circumstances, Im just embarrassed and kind of wanted yes or no.

But here it is. My bro just got engaged and it doesnt look like Im in the wedding even though we’ve always been close. I sent a text asking directly and all he said was he wasnt sure it would be appropriate because I dont like the bride. So I was kind of wondering if it would have been ok to let me be up there even though I dont like her.

Yes, it would have been fine if your brother wanted it, but it is also perfectly reasonable that he not pick you if you dislike his bride. It is up to him to pick who he desires to be supportive witnesses of his marriage and it is very understandable that he would not want to offer someone this role while knowing that they did not approve of the woman with whom he is uniting himself.

 

[EasterJoy]

Yes, it is OK. Your friends and relatives are sometimes going to marry people you wouldn’t have chosen for them, they’re going to marry and then have children (or fail to have children) and at times you think are unwise, and then they’re going to give those children names that make you wonder if they were hit in the head on the way to the racetrack. They will choose careers you think are ill-suited and live in places that make you wonder about their sanity. Through all this, you can only raise a few judiciously-chosen questions for their consideration. After that, you have to bite your tongue. You see, you’re going to need them to do the same for you!!

Seriously, though, all you can do is to raise concerns, let the bride or groom consider them, and then support them in the marital course they choose, provided that course is not objectively immoral. If the bridal couple isn’t attempting an invalid marriage and if you can afford the outlay necessary to fulfill your role adequately according to social custom and fully according to your own lights of how the role ought to be filled, you ought to accept when you are offered the honor of acting as a bridesmaid or groomsman for a relative or a close friend. If you don’t decline for one of those good reasons, a refusal becomes a comment from you about how much you value the relationship with the person asking. Don’t go there. Life is too short.

The Jews consider it a great mitzvah, in the category of hesed (obligatory acts of love
for others), to cause the bride and groom to rejoice at their wedding (simchat chatan v’kallah). There is a reason for that, and the Lord’s Death and Resurrection didn’t erase that reason. If a couple is determined to marry, then, do your part to make the bridal couple glad on their wedding day. Provided you have voiced your concerns when there was time to change their minds, getting on the wagon with what they finally decide is the right thing to do.

 

[chaela_may]

Im sorry. I didnt mean to be vague to hide my circumstances, Im just embarrassed and kind of wanted yes or no.

But here it is. My bro just got engaged and it doesnt look like Im in the wedding even though we’ve always been close. I sent a text asking directly and all he said was he wasnt sure it would be appropriate because I dont like the bride. So I was kind of wondering if it would have been ok to let me be up there even though I dont like her.

as the priest said in our homily at our wedding mass, it is up to the friends and family of the couple to support them in their marriage. the priest specifically indicated the bridal party. so, if you don’t support his choice, it makes sense that he wouldn’t expect you to support the marriage as a member of the bridal party. it isn’t just about who you’re closest to; it is about who fits the part.

 

[Bezant]

You guys gave good advice last time, and even when it wasn’t what I wanted to hear everyone was very nice, so thank you again. I have another question that I need help with.

Is it ok to have groomsmen or bridesmaids in a wedding if they don’t like the person their friend or relative is marrying?

What’s the severity of dislike and what’s the degree of kinship/friendship?

It’s a fact of life that personalities sometimes clash and most adults can pull it together for their best friends’/cousin’s wedding.

But if we’re talking about severe animosity between your fiance(e) and your siblings or parents, I would reconsider this marriage.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Personally there is no way I would ever, ever pick a bridesmaid that didn’t like my fiance. Our wedding is about us coming together as a family for the rest of our lives. The gravity of that trumps any other friendship or relationship and I would only have people up there that could not only love and support me, but happily embrace him as my husband. I just think would be disrespectful to do otherwise.

As for his choices I think that I would be pretty hurt and offended if he picked someone that had openly disliked or resented me. It just feels like on our wedding day it should be about us and our commitment. Choosing someone who didn’t support that because of his relationship or friendship to that person would not make me feel great.

Now if it was someone who disliked me but we had no way of knowing because he was always friendly and polite and knew enough than to speak against his friend’s partner, then it wouldn’t be an issue at all.

 

[MCGar]

Yes, it would have been fine if your brother wanted it, but it is also perfectly reasonable that he not pick you if you dislike his bride. It is up to him to pick who he desires to be supportive witnesses of his marriage and it is very understandable that he would not want to offer someone this role while knowing that they did not approve of the woman with whom he is uniting himself.

I agree with thewanderer.

Also, since it looks like your brother and obviously his fiance both know you do not like her than it speaks to the problem you had originally posted about. Your brother is not going to want to hang around someone that so obviously dislikes his gf/fiance.

You could make a really big effort of seeing if you can find a way to like the fiance. Maybe look into yourself and see if it was just jealousy that fueled your dislike. Then be open and honestly apologize to the both of them for treating them the way you have, let them know that you want to support their marriage fully.
You probably won’t be invited to be a groomsman BUT it will do alot towards repairing your relationship with the both of them.

 

[Kelfa28]

Yes, it would have been fine if your brother wanted it, but it is also perfectly reasonable that he not pick you if you dislike his bride. It is up to him to pick who he desires to be supportive witnesses of his marriage and it is very understandable that he would not want to offer someone this role while knowing that they did not approve of the woman with whom he is uniting himself.

It may not even be the brother voicing opposition to having him in the wedding ceremony. At the end of the day, the bride does most of the planning and has most of the say as to how her wedding will go.
If she knows that you don’t like her then it’s not unlikely that she is the one that doesn’t want you in the wedding and your brother is just listening to her.

My husband was in a similar situation with his best friend. My husband just did not like his best friend’s fiance…at all. He knew they weren’t a good match for each other and was taken aback that they were planning to marry after only dating for a couple of months.
Despite the fact that my husband would have been the obvious choice to be the best man, he wasn’t and one of the bride’s brothers became the best man instead.

Unfortunately, I don’t think there is much you can do to change anyone’s minds. Especially if your feelings about her won’t change. Personally, if I knew my husband’s hypothetical brother didn’t like me and was vocal about it (whether to me of to just my husband) I wouldn’t want him in my wedding either. That is unless there was some kind of apology granted and a genuine attempt at reconcile.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

It may not even be the brother voicing opposition to having him in the wedding ceremony. At the end of the day, the bride does most of the planning and has most of the say as to how her wedding will go.
If she knows that you don’t like her then it’s not unlikely that she is the one that doesn’t want you in the wedding and your brother is just listening to her.

My husband was in a similar situation with his best friend. My husband just did not like his best friend’s fiance…at all. He knew they weren’t a good match for each other and was taken aback that they were planning to marry after only dating for a couple of months.
Despite the fact that my husband would have been the obvious choice to be the best man, he wasn’t and one of the bride’s brothers became the best man instead.

Unfortunately, I don’t think there is much you can do to change anyone’s minds. Especially if your feelings about her won’t change. Personally, if I knew my husband’s hypothetical brother didn’t like me and was vocal about it (whether to me of to just my husband) I wouldn’t want him in my wedding either. That is unless there was some kind of apology granted and a genuine attempt at reconcile.

You are a wise woman.

 

[Kelfa28]

Personally there is no way I would ever, ever pick a bridesmaid that didn’t like my fiance. Our wedding is about us coming together as a family for the rest of our lives. The gravity of that trumps any other friendship or relationship and I would only have people up there that could not only love and support me, but happily embrace him as my husband. I just think would be disrespectful to do otherwise.

As for his choices I think that I would be pretty hurt and offended if he picked someone that had openly disliked or resented me. It just feels like on our wedding day it should be about us and our commitment. Choosing someone who didn’t support that because of his relationship or friendship to that person would not make me feel great.

Now if it was someone who disliked me but we had no way of knowing because he was always friendly and polite and knew enough than to speak against his friend’s partner, then it wouldn’t be an issue at all.

Exactly!

 

[Kelfa28]

You are a wise woman.

The feeling is mutual!

 

[EasterJoy]

Im sorry. I didnt mean to be vague to hide my circumstances, Im just embarrassed and kind of wanted yes or no.

But here it is. My bro just got engaged and it doesnt look like Im in the wedding even though we’ve always been close. I sent a text asking directly and all he said was he wasnt sure it would be appropriate because I dont like the bride. So I was kind of wondering if it would have been ok to let me be up there even though I dont like her.

You guys need to talk about this, not text. You are not a friend who might drift out of the sphere of his life. You are his brother. Every wedding, every christening, every funeral, and essentially every big holiday, you’re going to be there, together, in-laws to each other’s wives, uncles to each other’s children. When your parents need to be cared for in their old age, you’ll be doing it together. If one of you dies, the survivor will have to be there for his brother’s widow and children: Your brother’s new wife is going to be *your family! She is going to be yours *to care for, too. Their marriage is going to be yours to care for, too. You need to learn to accept that RIGHT NOW. Your brother’s marriage is bringing big changes to a relationship that was yours since the cradle. He needs to learn to accept that RIGHT NOW. Both of you need to be men about this, and you need to take care of each other like brothers ought to!!!

You don’t dislike the bride! You’ve said she’s fine…in fact, the problem is that she’s* too* fine! Rather, you are jealous of the toll his relationship with her has taken on your relationship with him. There is a big difference!! You need to say as much to your brother. Write it out and read it to him, if you have to, but tell him the truth. Maybe what you are going through is finally going to dawn on both of you!

It is time for you to “man up” and admit all this to him, and to tell him that it is your resolve to accept his new wife as if she were your sister because that is the right thing to do. You’re having a little trouble now, but when you two are older you are going to be very glad to have such a sister-in-law, and you know your wife is going to be glad you have such a sister-in-law, and your children will feel lucky to have such an aunt. Just because you’re not emotionally ready for this wedding doesn’t mean you don’t realize in your head that it is a good thing and that his fiance is a very good person. Participating in the wedding will give you a chance to act on what you believe, to make an act of good faith towards your new sister-in-law, rather than to start off with a temporary rift enshrined in your brother’s wedding pictures for the rest of time.

That’s the right thing to do. It is what you will wish you had done, ten years from now and fifty years from now, no matter how his marriage works out. Do that, then!!. Then, if he still does not put you into his wedding party, live with it. You will have made that bed; it will be yours to sleep in. Do your brother a favor, though, and admit where the problem really lies. Then, as you had to learn to do with this wedding, support whatever he decides. I think when the time comes, he’ll do the same for you.

 

[EasterJoy]

Personally there is no way I would ever, ever pick a bridesmaid that didn’t like my fiance…

It is not wise to let decisions made for the sake of the wedding day mar the marriage.

It is a wise bride and groom that avoid any slights to the new in-laws on their wedding day. The bride is marrying the whole family, and how well she gets on with her family will have much to do with how happy her married life is. She’ll be better off if she graciously meets them half way, or a little bit more. It will pay big dividends. Huge dividends.

No offense to the OP, but her new brother-in-law is very young, barely a man. If she’s ready for marriage, she needs to be ready to help him along. He’s going to be her brother, too. The day she becomes a widow, she might be very very glad she did the work of treating him that way.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

It is not wise to let decisions made for the sake of the wedding day mar the marriage.

It is a wise bride and groom that avoid any slights to the new in-laws on their wedding day. The bride is marrying the whole family, and how well she gets on with her family will have much to do with how happy her married life is. She’ll be better off if she graciously meets them half way, or a little bit more. It will pay big dividends. Huge dividends.

I guess it’s a little different for me because my bridal attendants aren’t family in the first place and no one that I know of in my life dislikes my FH. Actually, everyone adores him.


I don’t know for sure what I would do in the OP’s brother’s situation but my gut is telling me that I wouldn’t put someone up there that made my fiance uncomfortable or made it clear that they didn’t like him or the wedding.

 

[EasterJoy]

It may not even be the brother voicing opposition to having him in the wedding ceremony. At the end of the day, the bride does most of the planning and has most of the say as to how her wedding will go…

From the OPs point of view, he’s done some work to sow seeds of strife between himself and his brother’s upcoming marriage. The road back might take some work on his part, and he may have ruined some things for himself, at least in the short term. He does need to be willing to realize that he is not the only one with tender feelings, and take the consequences for his insensitive choices and the degree to which his attitudes have centered on himself. I think the bridal couple would be wise to include him, but if they do, it won’t be thanks to his wise conduct up to this point.

Ah, well, we all make mistakes, and this one is among the natural ones that come up. This one need not have life-long consequences, not if the OP comes to his senses and starts acting like a brother ought to. I think his brother and sister-in-law will take him back when he does…it just might not be immediate. That will be his problem to live with.

 

[EasterJoy]

I guess it’s a little different for me because my bridal attendants aren’t family in the first place and no one that I know of in my life dislikes my FH. Actually, everyone adores him.


I don’t know for sure what I would do in the OP’s brother’s situation but my gut is telling me that I wouldn’t put someone up there that made my fiance uncomfortable or made it clear that they didn’t like him or the wedding.

I think it would be wise and gracious to include him, certainly in the interest of the long-term happiness of the extended family, but definitely not anything he’s entitled to. I’m just saying that this family will be a lot happier if everybody–anybody!!–chooses to rise above this.

If the OP is left out, he had better take responsibility and not sulk about it! He ought to fulfill the duties of a brother at a wedding and do everything he can to make it come off smoothly and joyfully, as a way to redeem himself a bit. If he upsets his parents by letting this nonsense drag on as the wedding day nears, he’ll deserve a spanking.

Do you hear that, OP? You are a man, not a little boy. Do not give your mother a moment’s grief over this! Whatever comes, put a smile on your face and take it like a man. If anyone asks, swallow your pride and admit the hand you had in whatever exclusion you suffer because of your petulance, and that it was deserved.

 

[MCGar]

It is not wise to let decisions made for the sake of the wedding day mar the marriage.

It is a wise bride and groom that avoid any slights to the new in-laws on their wedding day. The bride is marrying the whole family, and how well she gets on with her family will have much to do with how happy her married life is. She’ll be better off if she graciously meets them half way, or a little bit more. It will pay big dividends. Huge dividends.

Actually in many cases it is very prudent for the bride to be sure that her groom knows exactly what boundaries to maintain and will not only stand up for her but do it without even needing her to say anything.

Yes, sometimes looking over slights will pay big dividends but when it comes to dealing with toxic relationships, things will go downhill quickly if boundaries are not maintained from the beginning.

If you look at many Daughter in law message boards, the DIL and ILS would have had a better chance at a good relationship if DIL had put her foot down from the very beginning in the face of inappropriate behavior. Usually things decline badly when the DIL swallows the slights until there is a complete cut off.

Now I’m getting off-topic, but it is something to keep in mind.

 

[EasterJoy]

Actually in many cases it is very prudent for the bride to be sure that her groom knows exactly what boundaries to maintain and will not only stand up for her but do it without even needing her to say anything.

Yes, sometimes looking over slights will pay big dividends but when it comes to dealing with toxic relationships, things will go downhill quickly if boundaries are not maintained from the beginning.

If you look at many Daughter in law message boards, the DIL and ILS would have had a better chance at a good relationship if DIL had put her foot down from the very beginning in the face of inappropriate behavior. Usually things decline badly when the DIL swallows the slights until there is a complete cut off.

Now I’m getting off-topic, but it is something to keep in mind.

You are right. I’m taking the stand I’m taking because this is about sulking around and acting jealous, not actual abuse. There are posters who have come to this board who married into truly toxic families, and there is nothing healthier they can possibly do than to put as much distance between themselves and their in-laws as humanly possible. IOW, the close-knit extended family that can be the ideal is not always a realistic possibility. You are right: it is healthy to recognize when that is the case, and to draw boundaries accordingly.

I don’t think that is where this OP is, though. He just misses his brother.