Ya a while ago he asked what the problem was and I screwed up by saying that it was her that bothered me. And I think that she thinks I dont like her to. I can even admit that I havent been very open or nice to her. I will talk to him and apologize. Its my fault.
Your brother is your brother, but your wife has one life with you. She becomes the mother of your children. Think of your mom and dad, and how you needed them to be one with each other more than with your aunts or uncles or even your grandparents! That is what your brother is taking on. It is his duty to be very strict about the boundaries of his married life, the boundaries protecting his wife and family.
I think the OP was asking if its ok for his brother to exclude him as groomsmen because he doesn’t like the bride.To keep it simple the answer is yes, because you have been asked because the person asking you is a friend. We are not all going to like the friend friends per se. If you knew their partner is doing something illegal then it may be a different question. But just to keep it simple, then its perfectly fine because the person asking is a friend. Just be civil to whom they are marrying. That is, if you want a clear simple answer without all the complexities which others are providing in their answers to you.
Peace.
EasterJoy and I agree on this one. I know that if I were in your SIL’s position it would melt my heart if you said that to my fiance about our family. It may not make everything ok all at once, and you still may not be in the wedding, but saying that, and following through would be a great first step.
Unless there is more information, we don’t know that the bride is excluding you. We do know that your brother is excluding you for the reason that you do not like his bride. Yes, you are his brother for life and as his brother for life you have told him that you do not like his bride. Do you see what the consequences and impact that his had on your relationship by your own doing? You are his brother for life thus you should treat him with the respect and support that you would want of him. You didn’t do that. You actually did the opposite of that.
Do not put your mother in the position of “backing you up” without having first “put yourself in your place.” Also, come what may, resolve to back up your brother, whatever he decides, even to the point of taking his side instead of your mother’s. You cannot control your mom’s decision that she ought to say something to him, but let her know that you both need to back his decisions about how he and his wife are going to start their married life. You two can counsel, but he and his new wife get to decide.
I really don’t see involving your mom as a good idea. This is between you and your brother and while he still needs to respect your mom she doesn’t have any authority over him.
Why on earth would you even be part of starting the MIL negative relationship?
I just want to say: THIS IS SO TRUE! I know had I made it very clear right up front I was not a living doormat, the non stop attacks, insults and such would have stopped much earlier. Needless to say, it took me having children that I refused to be a target in front of. Finally made it clear to DH that if he didn’t handle them I would, with an iron fist. It would fast, furious and final. They would easily never want to be around me again. Which for me, would not have felt like much of a loss at all.
The reason is that there is a huge difference between being invited to a wedding and being asked to be one of the witnesses/supporters of the union itself. If you don’t like your brothers fiancee then it is very unlikely that you are going to be supportive of your brothers marriage. I have a friend who was in almost the oppostie situation, her mother wanted her to be a bridesmaid in her mothers second marriage but she refused. She did not approve of the marriage and so could not allow herself to support it by actually being one of the witnesses, instead she decided to just attend the wedding. Her other was a little upset at first but when she explained it to her mother shecame arounmd and understood. This has nothing to do with trying to slight ones brother or not. The position of bridesmaid/groomsman is that of an official witness/support if the union taking place. There is no requirement that a person ask their family/closest friends, what is required is that they ask those who are best able to be good witnesses to this marriage. Stop looking at this as though he is slighting you, this day is not about you and your relationship to your brother, it is about his new union to his fiancee and the position of groomsman has a very particular role with respect to that union. If your brother does not think you approve of the union then there is nothing wrong with him not asking you to be a groomsman. This is not a position for honoring those who are close to you, it is a very particular role of being an official witness/supporter of the union taking place. Stop making this into something about you.
I dont think shes going to make demands or anything. She isnt like that at all. And she saw his side and understood why he chose against me, but she said that she’ll just talk to him and see if theres anything that could be done to make things better between us so that Im not left out of this. Your wedding is the most important day of your life and hes my brother.
I went back to look and double check and I didnt say their marriage wouldnt last. I said I didnt think that their relationship would last to get to this point. And you asked if I thought it would work with them getting married and I said I didn’t know because I wouldnt want it to work if I were him. And thats the truth. Their relationship is so different than what I would ever want that its hard to judge.It took me a minute to realize that the OP is the same poster that started a thread about how he doesn’t think his brother’s marriage will last, but now he is upset that he isn’t in the wedding.
Sorry, but I wouldn’t put someone in my wedding that thought my marriage would end in divorce.
So why do you deserve a place in the celebration?
See, you see it as him choosing against you. He’s choosing his wife. You placed yourself against his wife. You made it so there is no room for you. I’m sure however, there is time to correct this problem. Just perhaps not in time for the wedding.
As other posters have said, it’s not up to your mom to make things right, here. She may feel compelled to get involved because she wants her sons to get along, but you need to take responsibility and handle the situation yourself. Talk to your brother, and explain to him that you actually do like his fiancee, but that you’ve been letting your jealousy get in the way of welcoming her into the family the way you should have. Don’t use your mom as a liaison- this is between you and your brother, and you need to take the steps necessary to make amends with him and his fiancee.
Twenty-three years of being a friend to his brother and being there for him even though he didn’t always like him. He likes this woman, after all! If he weren’t having a hard time accepting that his brother was getting married at all, he would be a shoe-in!