Being in a wedding

[EasterJoy]

As other posters have said, it’s not up to your mom to make things right, here. She may feel compelled to get involved because she wants her sons to get along, but you need to take responsibility and handle the situation yourself. Talk to your brother, and explain to him that you actually do like his fiance, but that you’ve been letting your jealousy get in the way of welcoming her into the family the way you should have. Don’t use your mom as a liaison- this is between you and your brother, and you need to take the steps necessary to make amends with him and his fiance.

The OP also does not have control over his mother. It would be a good idea to tell his brother that he’ll take on the job of calming Mom down if the bridal couple leaves him out of the wedding. That’s only fair. He may not be able to do anything, but at least the new couple will know the brother has their back.

 

[MCGar]

OP have you changed your original stance on being entitled to being the in the wedding party b/c of being a brother regardless of your behavior or do you maintain your opinion? I’m just trying to get an understanding of your position before I invest more time in giving advice.

So far your responses seem completely oblivious of understanding the opinions of the majority of posters. I don’t know if you are being vague because you disagree, are apathetic, or are waiting to formulate a response detailing your change of mind.

 

[akela135]

I dont think shes going to make demands or anything. She isnt like that at all. And she saw his side and understood why he chose against me, but she said that she’ll just talk to him and see if theres anything that could be done to make things better between us so that Im not left out of this. Your wedding is the most important day of your life and hes my brother.

I just wanted to write and say that your wedding is not the most important day of your life. It is very important but not the most important. I can think of many other days I’d view with equal importance in my life, for instance the day I first received communion, and then every other time I have recieved communion at Mass. The birth’s of any future children of mine will also be incredibly important, as well as a variety of other things.

A wedding is an important event and it should be respected for what it is. I find that a wedding is more than just a couple coming together but a uniting of both families so I think it is important to consider the thoughts and feelings of all members. That does not mean you need to be a groomsman to assist at your brothers wedding. I had my own brother assist with the readings. He also helped serve food at the reception as we catered everything ourselves, and took pictures and video during various other parts of the day. All of these were a big help and much appreciated.

I looked at the role of groomsmen and bridesmaids as my DH and I’s supporting cast at not just the ceremony but also during the planning stage. My bridesmaids helped me choose a wedding dress, pick out the flowers, decided on what to cater, helped me address invites, etc. The groomsmen of my DH helped him get a tux, make plans for the honeymoon, get a car rental set up, etc. It is a big commitment and should be reserved for those who really wish to contribute all they can to the success of the couple. So don’t feel bad if he chooses other people to fill that role for him. There are still plenty of ways you can help out and show him you care about his future marriage.

 

[thewanderer]

The main thing here is to handle the situation so that the OP and his family will be able to look back on this as an amusing passage through life, and not as the beginning of a rift that didn’t have to happen.

I definately agree, and I think that is the reason that so many people have been telling him that his brother doesn’t have to ask him to be a groomsman. Some of his posts on this thread have definitely come across as though he thinks this is something he deserves just because he is the brother and that he is upset at not being shown the honor her deseves, which is** not *a helpful attitude in this situation. Yes, some of the posts, including my own, were written in a rather harsh manner, but the point is to try and help the OP realize that this is not something he should be offended about, he should realize that it is perfectly reasonable and understandable for his brother to act this way and that the reason for this is directly because of his own *actions. You have been spot on in your advice to the OP that he should try and reconcile with his brother. If he can honestly support this marriage then he should talk to his brother about it and tell him so, apologize for his previous comments and explain why he made them. Otherwise he should recognize that his brother not including him in the weeding party is **not **an insult to him, it is just the natural consequence of the fact that he cannot support the marriage itself. It is **not **something he has the right to be offended about.

 

[grumpygusguy]

OP have you changed your original stance on being entitled to being the in the wedding party b/c of being a brother regardless of your behavior or do you maintain your opinion? I’m just trying to get an understanding of your position before I invest more time in giving advice.

So far your responses seem completely oblivious of understanding the opinions of the majority of posters. I don’t know if you are being vague because you disagree, are apathetic, or are waiting to formulate a response detailing your change of mind.

I guess I dont really know what your asking. This has actually strayed pretty far from my original question, but thats ok, its all good insight. My original question was actually about whether or not my bro was right about it being inappropriate for me to be in the wedding.

I wouldnt say I feel “entitled” to it, but I am sad that after all these years my mistakes on this one thing caused him to do this. I know I was wrong on a lot when it comes to her, but we were always very close, so this hurts.

 

[EasterJoy]

I guess I dont really know what your asking. This has actually strayed pretty far from my original question, but thats ok, its all good insight. My original question was actually about whether or not my bro was right about it being inappropriate for me to be in the wedding.

I wouldnt say I feel “entitled” to it, but I am sad that after all these years my mistakes on this one thing caused him to do this. I know I was wrong on a lot when it comes to her, but we were always very close, so this hurts.

He’s not having second thoughts about asking you because you dented his car and lied about it! Rather, the “one thing” you have made mistakes on happens to be the “one thing” that the whole day is about. It is also “one thing” that you’re, well, still doing, as far as the bridal couple knows. From their point of view, you haven’t made much movement towards really treating your past behavior like a mistake. Saying “I should have kept my mouth shut and pretended I’m not jealous or disapproving” is not the same as saying “I shouldn’t have let my jealousy obscure my judgement.” So those are the two issues going against you. If you’re going to be there backing him up at the altar, after all, he really does need you to be backing him up 100%.

Dare to be optimistic. You can get beyond this, but you have to decide that you can honestly fulfill the role that you want. If not, well, don’t be surprised that your brother can see that, too. If he’s not going to put his marriage first, after all, why get married?

 

[faithfully]

It may not be the MOST important day… but it’s pretty dang important. It is a sacrament. There are huge promises you make. All with “until death do you part” closing the deal.

It would be lovely if it were always 2 families uniting, but sadly, quite often there is a member or two of the family who doesn’t approve, or feels jilted in some way, and they try to make it about them.

I even get that a brother may feel like a wife it taking his brother away, but we need to get serious here. It’s not like 2 brothers can grow a family together. They will need to get wives to do that. They should be supportive of each others efforts. Nothing is really more beautiful than a family that just gets bigger and bigger.

I am drawing from my own experience as well. DH and I have a great marriage. The normal ups and down, beautiful children. But his family has added a flair to our marriage that I’d happily do without. In fact, they made many efforts on the day before our wedding and the day of to toss in many negative waves. It was not my imagination. I can’t even count the number of people that approached me with “what is their problem” questions. Rude comments. Rude behavior. All showing their distaste for our day. And lack of willingness to let it be our day. With MIL and SIL spending gobbs on white dresses, that somehow was more appropriate than the less expensive, more appropriate attire we picked out together, which was also dubbed too expensive at the time. My husbands Grandmother, even “no-showed” because I fall into too many categories that she despises. In DH’s words, white, female an Catholic. (I’m guessing she couldn’t complain too much about the “female” part). And while I somehow managed the frame of mind to enjoy our wedding, during the entire event, there is the stain that my in-laws treated me like you know what. And well, they’ve continued to do so. And although I’ve been able to slow them down a bit through DH. I’ll always know, they would much rather I’m not in the picture. (In fact if you go to their home and look at the pictures they put up of our family, they only post things I’ve asked to please take down… like the one of me that was taken while I was under the influence of extreme meds after my deliver… a violation of my privacy if you ask me… or I’m not in them at all.) My children appear motherless in their home. Just how they’d seem to like it.

So, the OP asks… Is my brother right in not letting me be in the wedding. I’m going to say yes. I gather the brother is more aware than we of his brothers distaste for his BRIDE. It’s not a relationship he wants… etc… The woman without which this event does not take place. She likely knows her fiance’s brother does not care for her for some reason. Her fiance saying, if you don’t like her, then it’s really not appropriate for you to be in the wedding. The brother and his future wife are now a package deal. It’s not as though he’s not invited to the wedding. The fiance speaks volumes to his wife. She is now number one in his life. As it’s supposed to be.

The OP’s seemingly “innocent” behavior smells very familiar. Sounding like a lifetime of future behavior. People don’t like to be around people who don’t like them. Trust me, I know. It’s stressful. I worry about things I say. Because regardless of what I say, it’s always wrong. They nit pic me to death. And although I’m still sad we couldn’t be ideal with bringing 2 families together, I’m also calloused to it. And I’m sure I sound it here. But that’s just what needs to happen for my valid marriage to progress forward and raise our beautiful children.

None of this may be the OP’s objective or intention. I can imagine that as well. But it is now on him to fix this. Otherwise, IMO, the other brother is quite wise not to show his wife that she will never be more important than the family he does not live with. His brother can mature and fix this. Or he could start a marriage by wounding it, and it may never heal. I’d do everything I could to make for a best marriage possible. She did not start this as far as I can see from the OP. The OP did…

 

[MCGar]

OP I am asking if you understand that you were not chosen to be part of the groom’s party due to your own fault. That your closeness/relationship with your brother was damaged because of how you acted and he does not want to subject his bride to someone that does not like her on their wedding day. Do you understand that unfortunately you chose a path that put you squarely where you are and while you have a right to any type of feeling, you still aren’t justified in feeling hurt or betrayed by not being chosen.
What you did wasnt just a small thing. It was a large thing that impacted your relationship with your brother and his future wife. He does not owe you a loyalty over his fiancé.

Also when you are upset about not being chosen; despite knowing your own actions and without an apology on your part, that is viewed as entitlement.

Look, I’m not trying to be mean or imply that you are a bad person. I don’t think you are actively trying to sabatoge anything, but I do thing you are looking at this from a very small and selfish viewpoint.

Do you understand anything of what most of these posters are trying to tell you? Are you going to apologize and graciously accept their decision?

 

[MCGar]

Also I really think you should take this to confession. You might get a clarity that might not come across on these boards.
Prayers for your situation.

 

[grumpygusguy]

OP I am asking if you understand that you were not chosen to be part of the groom’s party due to your own fault. That your closeness/relationship with your brother was damaged because of how you acted and he does not want to subject his bride to someone that does not like her on their wedding day. Do you understand that unfortunately you chose a path that put you squarely where you are and while you have a right to any type of feeling, you still aren’t justified in feeling hurt or betrayed by not being chosen.
What you did wasnt just a small thing. It was a large thing that impacted your relationship with your brother and his future wife. He does not owe you a loyalty over his fiancé.

Also when you are upset about not being chosen; despite knowing your own actions and without an apology on your part, that is viewed as entitlement.

Look, I’m not trying to be mean or imply that you are a bad person. I don’t think you are actively trying to sabatoge anything, but I do thing you are looking at this from a very small and selfish viewpoint.

Do you understand anything of what most of these posters are trying to tell you? Are you going to apologize and graciously accept their decision?

Yes I do get that this is my fault. And I really dont think Ive acted entitled. Im sorry if it came off that way. And of course I’m going to graciously accept their decision. There is literally nothing else I can do but accept it.

As soon as he’s back in town Im going to talk to him and apologize. I called my mom last night and asked her not to talk to him about it. She said she wasnt going to talk about being in the wedding, just going to ask what was wrong between us. I finally got her to agree to not talk to him about it at all and let me do it.

I’ll talk to my bro too, but Im still figuring out what to say. Should I say anything to his fiance too?

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I’ll talk to my bro too, but Im still figuring out what to say. Should I say anything to his fiance too?

Ask your brother about that one. Some women would feel touched, others would feel awkward about having someone that treated them badly approach them with an apology only after finding out that they aren’t in the wedding. (Not saying that’s why you’re doing it, but it could look that way). I am so painfully shy myself that I fall in to the latter group. If you talked to my fiance he could talk with me and everyone could move on. But some women would be offended that they are marrying in to the family and you still don’t respect them enough to apologize directly for your negative attitude and behavior that was taken out on her.

 

[newf]

I’ll talk to my bro too, but Im still figuring out what to say. Should I say anything to his fiance too?

I think you should speak to them both together, if that is possible. This way she won’t be hearing everything you said to your brother second hand. And you can apologize to her personally for making her feel unwelcome.

You are on the right track.

 

[EasterJoy]

I think you should speak to them both together, if that is possible. This way she won’t be hearing everything you said to your brother second hand. And you can apologize to her personally for making her feel unwelcome.

You are on the right track.

This is a good idea, but only if the brother goes for it. He has to be allowed to protect his future wife. Make apologies to him first, then ask for permission to make apologies directly to his bride-to-be. Give the control to the bridal couple you have offended, OP. You won’t go wrong with that, and they do deserve it.

 

[skigirl1689]

I think it would be wise and gracious to include him, certainly in the interest of the long-term happiness of the extended family, but definitely not anything he’s entitled to. I’m just saying that this family will be a lot happier if everybody–anybody!!–chooses to rise above this.

If the OP is left out, he had better take responsibility and not sulk about it! He ought to fulfill the duties of a brother at a wedding and do everything he can to make it come off smoothly and joyfully, as a way to redeem himself a bit. If he upsets his parents by letting this nonsense drag on as the wedding day nears, he’ll deserve a spanking.

Do you hear that, OP? You are a man, not a little boy. Do not give your mother a moment’s grief over this! Whatever comes, put a smile on your face and take it like a man. If anyone asks, swallow your pride and admit the hand you had in whatever exclusion you suffer because of your petulance, and that it was deserved.

This is good advice…my sister is getting married next summer, and I have no idea if she’ll ask me to be in her wedding. BUT I’ve realize, as a sibling living where she’s getting married. I’ll be more than involved in everything whether or not I’m a bridesmaid. Enjoy seeing family and the time you spend together.

Yes, I would love to be in her wedding, or even go with her dress shopping, but it’s not my wedding and I’ll just graciously go with what she wants. And I have been in a friend’s wedding; loved it but it was very stressful as well!

 

[Irishmom2]

she said that she’ll just talk to him and see if theres anything that could be done to make things better between us so that Im not left out of this. Your wedding is the most important day of your life and hes my brother.

No, I’m sorry but this is between you and your brother. You need to be a grownup and talk to him face to face. You brought this on yourself, and you should be the one to try and repair it. You might even want to talk to both of them and admit how wrong you have been all along about how you have treated her.

Your brother’s wedding is the most important day in HIS life and his future WIFE’S life, not your life, even if you are his brother.

NOW, you care that he is your brother? How about caring about his feelings before when he probably just wanted you to like the woman he is choosing to marry? Did you want to be a part of his wedding when you wrote that their relationship probably wouldn’t last? I am not even sure why you would want to be involved, but I certainly understand why neither of them would want you to be a part of the wedding. It doesn’t matter if it is him or her at theis point calling the shot on leaving you out. It is their combined wedding. Obviously your brother is a good guy and being faithful to his future wife no matter who made the decision to leave you out.

I second the idea of reconciliation before speaking to them.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I’m really going to have to agree that:

A. The OP screwed up, and
B. He is only 23 and has never gone through this before, so he should be given a break.

No, he probably shouldn’t be a groomsmen, but I don’t think that he has caused permanent, irreversible damage. I really hope he talks to his brother and keeps us updated. I never had an issue with my brother’s girlfriends or wife, but as the youngest person in my family I definitely know what it feels like to be left behind. And it could be made worse if in his parents’ joy over this marriage they have taken to patronizing him because he’s the only young unmarried one left. (I’ve seen that happen).

Unless the OP is an ugly person this was probably caused more by thoughtlessness than malice. And what 23 year old isn’t thoughtless? He probably never considered that his brother would go so far as to marry, if he did things may have been different.