Being respectful and firm at the same time?

[DarkLight]

I’ve been struggling with how to approach my parents. My mother in particular seems to have very little respect for me, treating me as a child in constant need of her education rather than an adult capable of making choices. I’m trying to figure out how to politely and respectfully set boundaries and make it clear that they are not to be crossed. How do I put things politely in a way that still doesn’t leave room to push back?

(One quick note: “I statements” do not work on her.)

 

[Xantippe]

Sample 1:

Mom: DarkLight, it’s time you get a haircut.
Darklight: Sure, mom.

(End of discussion. You’ll get a haircut–eventually.)

Sample 2:

Mom: DarkLight, you look like you’re putting on weight. [Blah blah blah about new fashionable diet.]
Darklight: Uh huh.

I know it’s really easy to say this when you’re not in the middle of it. I get argumentative when I shouldn’t–it’s an easy trap.

If you don’t argue, there’s no argument.

 

[UbiCaritas]

Option A: handle it as Xanthippe suggests. This has definite pros in that it doesn’t make ripples, but it does mean that you’ll still be hearing the suggestions.

Option B:

Your mom: “Dark Light, you need to follow insert latest food-related trend here.”

You: “Thank you, mom. I appreciate your concern, but I’m quite satisfied with the way I’m eating now.” (If appropriate, you can add “as is my doctor.”)

If she continues to push it, say in gentle but firm tones, “I appreciate your concern, but as I said, I’m quite satisfied with the way I eat now. Let’s change the subject.”

If she still continues to push it, then, still in a polite but firm tone, “Mom, I have told you twice that I am quite satisfied with my diet, but you have continued to bring it up anyway. I’m not interested in discussing it further, and I won’t.” Then change the subject, or get off the phone, or leave the room.

This last will probably lead to a certain amount of initial resentment on her part if she isn’t used to people setting boundaries with her, but continue to be polite-but-firm and she’ll probably get it eventually. I recently had to set a similar boundary with someone over my diet, as pregnancy seems to be interpreted by the world at large as a request for their particular diet fads, with the added impetus of “FOLLOW MY DIET FAD OR YOUR CHILD WILL BE DAMAGED FOR LIFE.” After I told this person gently but firmly several times that both my doctor and I are quite satisfied with my current diet, and she continued to insist that I was probably causing my child brain damage by eating a certain way, I reiterated once more that my doctor and I are both happy with my diet and then said that we needed to change the subject. Her reaction was rather strongly resentful, but that was partly my fault; I had not set some proper boundaries as an adult with her, so she was very surprised when I did so now, even though the boundary was a reasonable one. Lesson learned: it’s best to set certain types of boundaries sooner rather than later in relationships!

 

[Allegra]

I’ve given up on trying to seem respectful to my mother. She claims she can hear my thoughts and they’re never respectful enough.

 

[DarkLight]

I’ve given up on trying to seem respectful to my mother. She claims she can hear my thoughts and they’re never respectful enough.

I admit I laughed out loud on reading this.

Unfortunately that sounds entirely like something my mother would do. Only for her it’s that “contradicting her” is rude. And by “contradicting her” she means “disagreeing with her.”

So I guess the real question is, what’s the proper way to be respectful and firm with someone who isn’t being polite or reasonable in return?

 

[Xantippe]

“So I guess the real question is, what’s the proper way to be respectful and firm with someone who isn’t being polite or reasonable in return?”

Give the minimum polite response and change the subject. If that doesn’t work, leave the room.

 

[DarkLight]

“So I guess the real question is, what’s the proper way to be respectful and firm with someone who isn’t being polite or reasonable in return?”

Give the minimum polite response and change the subject. If that doesn’t work, leave the room.

It’s not usually an issue of response, though. Basically, we’re at the point where I need to say “You need to stop doing X for this relationship to go anywhere.” Her responses haven’t been particularly good so far, but I’m trying to give her a chance, especially as I am young and haven’t been on my own long.

 

[Xantippe]

"Basically, we’re at the point where I need to say “You need to stop doing X for this relationship to go anywhere.”

Do you think there’s any point?

There’s a book called “Don’t Shoot the Dog,” that I would recommend to you.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

So I guess the real question is, what’s the proper way to be respectful and firm with someone who isn’t being polite or reasonable in return?

How important is it for you to win in an argument? What I mean is, can you handle it if she seems to get her way? I’m not suggesting you roll over and let her control your life, but maybe you can do as Xantippe suggested and have her think her orders are taken seriously.

I’ve read your other threads and understand that the situation is complicated and that you are stuck for the time being. And that she is the type of person one can’t really have a reasonable conversation with. So … speaking from experience (my father is the same), you probably can’t get what you want, ie. have her respect you and acknowledge you as an adult. If you want to keep the peace I suggest you play along, nod and say “yes mom, whatever you say mom”, and live your life. I know this is not the ideal solution, but with some people you just can’t win. Just remember that things will not be like this forever.

 

[Lorelei12]

I’d recommend the book The Mom Factor. The authors of Boundaries wrote it, and the book includes all sorts of scenarios and tips regarding relationships with mothers and how to handle issues politely and firmly.

 

[Jessie5000]

I’ve been struggling with how to approach my parents. My mother in particular seems to have very little respect for me, treating me as a child in constant need of her education rather than an adult capable of making choices. I’m trying to figure out how to politely and respectfully set boundaries and make it clear that they are not to be crossed. How do I put things politely in a way that still doesn’t leave room to push back?

(One quick note: “I statements” do not work on her.)

Gee Mom, thanks for the advice as I have not considered that before. I am going to have to think about that.

 

[DarkLight]

How important is it for you to win in an argument? What I mean is, can you handle it if she seems to get her way? I’m not suggesting you roll over and let her control your life, but maybe you can do as Xantippe suggested and have her think her orders are taken seriously.

I’ve read your other threads and understand that the situation is complicated and that you are stuck for the time being. And that she is the type of person one can’t really have a reasonable conversation with. So … speaking from experience (my father is the same), you probably can’t get what you want, ie. have her respect you and acknowledge you as an adult. If you want to keep the peace I suggest you play along, nod and say “yes mom, whatever you say mom”, and live your life. I know this is not the ideal solution, but with some people you just can’t win. Just remember that things will not be like this forever.

I’ve actually gotten to the point where it’s about to be significantly less complicated. Basically, because I’m now working and am getting a bit older, I’m not going to be dependant on her help anymore. Hence the thread - it’s time to work on “here are the boundaries for me to spend time with you.” Letting her think she’s getting her way isn’t going to work because most of the issues are too in the moment. Or in some cases I just want it to be clear I’m not here to be criticized - I’m only human and a solid stream of criticism has too much effect for me to keep putting up with it. Especially when it becomes the main focus of the relationship.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

I’ve actually gotten to the point where it’s about to be significantly less complicated. Basically, because I’m now working and am getting a bit older, I’m not going to be dependant on her help anymore.

That changes everything.

I have found that such people only take your warnings seriously when you actually do something. Leaving the house. Hanging up the phone on them. That kind of thing. They *must *feel the consequences of their actions. So for example, you tell her that if she carries on criticizing during your visit you are going to leave. And then you leave when she does. This could mean she doesn’t get to see you for a few months, until your next visit. She would probably not like it and would feel humiliated and hurt. But maybe she would learn her lesson. And if she does it again, you leave/hang up again. And then hopefully she gets it after X times.

It takes time, and with some people the battle never ends. Even if she turns out to be incorrigible, you will become more strong and confident and standing up for yourself will become easier.

 

[Xantippe]

Contra mundum said:

“I have found that such people only take your warnings seriously when you actually do something. Leaving the house. Hanging up the phone on them. That kind of thing. They must feel the consequences of their actions.”

Yes–you shouldn’t expect to be able to argue her into being more respectful to you.

 

[DarkLight]

Contra mundum said:

“I have found that such people only take your warnings seriously when you actually do something. Leaving the house. Hanging up the phone on them. That kind of thing. They must feel the consequences of their actions.”

Yes–you shouldn’t expect to be able to argue her into being more respectful to you.

Yeah I get that. The difficulty I’m having here is that I do want to be respectful to her as my mother. At the same time, the feedback I’m getting from her seems to indicate that she thinks I’m being disrespectful whenever I disagree with her. So I’m trying to figure out a good standard of being polite and respectful even if she feels disrespected by what I said.

 

[Xantippe]

DarkLight,

You say that the disagreements are ones where you can’t brush her off, because it’s right now. Can you give an example so we can make suggestions?

Here’s one.

DarkLight is cutting up potatoes.

DarkLight’s Mom: You need to cut the potatoes like this, not like that!

DarkLight: That’s interesting. I’ve never done it that way. [Continues to cut potatoes.]

If she wants to cut them her way, let her, but don’t argue.

 

[DarkLight]

DarkLight,

You say that the disagreements are ones where you can’t brush her off, because it’s right now. Can you give an example so we can make suggestions?

Here’s one.

DarkLight is cutting up potatoes.

DarkLight’s Mom: You need to cut the potatoes like this, not like that!

DarkLight: That’s interesting. I’ve never done it that way. [Continues to cut potatoes.]

If she wants to cut them her way, let her, but don’t argue.

A lot of it is that she wants to see some change or firm promise of change right away. So if we’re having a discussion of Catholicism, she won’t settle for “Ill consider that” - she wants a firm agreement that Catholicism is in fact unbiblical. And if she gets that she’s going to want me to go to her church with her.

Or we’ll be having yet another “why do you wear all that black and those skirts instead of jeans and a t-shirt like a normal girl?” conversation. She won’t be satisfied unt0il I agree that yes, I’ll never get a job looking that way (really? I seem to have managed.). And she wants my confession that my behavior has been immature and rebellious and my repentance of that (this is a common theme - wanting confession of the faults she sees). And I just want to be able to get dressed in the morning without concerning myself with her reaction to my clothes!

I for my part want it to be clear that I am not going to continue a relationship where criticism is a regular part of our interaction. I feel like it’s gotten to the point where it’s more about control than about the actual issues. It

 

[Xantippe]

DarkLight said

“So if we’re having a discussion of Catholicism, she won’t settle for “Ill consider that” - she wants a firm agreement that Catholicism is in fact unbiblical.”

How about, “I’m sorry you feel that way, mom,” and then either hang up or leave if she persists?

“Or we’ll be having yet another “why do you wear all that black and those skirts instead of jeans and a t-shirt like a normal girl?” conversation.”

“I’m sorry you feel that way” works here. Alternately, “I think we’ve already discussed this, mom,” followed by hanging up or leaving if she persists.

“I for my part want it to be clear that I am not going to continue a relationship where criticism is a regular part of our interaction.”

You don’t have to say it. You just need to hang up or leave and do that consistently. If that doesn’t work, at some point, you have to ask yourself, who’s really the crazy one here? (Sorry for the insensitive phrasing, but you get what I mean.)

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

A lot of it is that she wants to see some change or firm promise of change right away. So if we’re having a discussion of Catholicism, she won’t settle for “Ill consider that” - she wants a firm agreement that Catholicism is in fact unbiblical. And if she gets that she’s going to want me to go to her church with her.

Or we’ll be having yet another “why do you wear all that black and those skirts instead of jeans and a t-shirt like a normal girl?” conversation. She won’t be satisfied unt0il I agree that yes, I’ll never get a job looking that way (really? I seem to have managed.). And she wants my confession that my behavior has been immature and rebellious and my repentance of that (this is a common theme - wanting confession of the faults she sees). And I just want to be able to get dressed in the morning without concerning myself with her reaction to my clothes!

I for my part want it to be clear that I am not going to continue a relationship where criticism is a regular part of our interaction. I feel like it’s gotten to the point where it’s more about control than about the actual issues. It

It is perfectly respectful to set boundaries, and to refuse to argue, even with your parents. What I would recommend is to first set the terms of the new boundaries, and then if she doesn’t respect them, gradually become more blunt in your responses.

For example:
STEP 1 - “Mom, I love you, and I respect your opinion, but I disagree. Clearly we are not going to convince each other. I need us to not argue over ___ anymore - it is just hurting our relationship. Let’s talk about other things please.”

STEP 2 - “Mom, I want to have a good relationship with you, but to do this, we need to not argue about ____ any more. I respect that you have your opinion. Please show me the same respect. So how’s the weather?”

STEP 3 - “Mom, I am not going to discuss this. So how’s the weather?”

STEP 4 - “Hmmm…So, how’s the weather?”

STEP 5 - “I told you I’m not going to argue with you about this. I have to go now. Good bye.”

Etc…
Setting boundaries says nothing about your respect for your parents. It is about their respect for you.

 

[DarkLight]

“I for my part want it to be clear that I am not going to continue a relationship where criticism is a regular part of our interaction.”

You don’t have to say it. You just need to hang up or leave and do that consistently. If that doesn’t work, at some point, you have to ask yourself, who’s really the crazy one here? (Sorry for the insensitive phrasing, but you get what I mean.)

Phrasing is fine. I get the idea. I’m giving her more time right now because I am young and newly independent. She’s newly in a position where she can’t pull me back in line, she’s not comfortable with some of the things I do, and she’s trying to fix it by “punishing” me for disobedience. I’m hoping once she realizes that she can’t punish me any more than she could another adult she’ll get the idea and be more open to an appropriate relationship.