Being stood up by a friend

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Anglewannabe

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There is a lady who lives in the same building as me. She is very friendly to talk to. After knowing her a few years, I asked her to my apartment for tea a couple of time. We had pleasant conversations.

She is busy because her son is a single father and when it is his weekend to have his, she likes to spend time with them. I understand that. I am also the type how likes to make plans a week in advance (I know it drives people nuts) but the reality is, I am NOT a good housekeeper and it takes me that long to clean my place up for company.

The last couple of times I have invited her, she cancelled at the last minute. I was disappointed. I decided to not call her since I was always the one to initiate a meeting and felt perhaps she wanted her spaces. So for the past 6-8 weeks, when I bump into her we have a pleasant conversation for 5 minutes and go our separate ways.

Well, she said something about having tea again some time. I simply said ‘sure sounds great’ trying to let her set the official plan.

Well, Friday morning I bumped into her on my way to work, when she asked ‘Are you free to come over tonight for tea’ I answered ‘No I have my work party how is tomorrow’ She said ‘We have my grandson but he will be gone by 7 so I will call you after that.’ Well, it is now 9:15 and my phone has not rung.

Honestly, as friendly as she is, I really have trouble making plans with people who are so unreliable. On the one hand, I had the luxury of watching TV on my couch while I waited so I didn’t have to dress up and go anywhere. On the other hand, I wanted to get some things done but I did not want to be in the middle of a job when she called so I didn’t start anything. I find this unfair to me.

So… how do I handle this. Do I act like nothing happened? Or do I say something?

Thoughts?

Angie
 
Anglewannabe said:
There is a lady who lives in the same building as me. She is very friendly to talk to. After knowing her a few years, I asked her to my apartment for tea a couple of time. We had pleasant conversations.

She is busy because her son is a single father and when it is his weekend to have his, she likes to spend time with them. I understand that. I am also the type how likes to make plans a week in advance (I know it drives people nuts) but the reality is, I am NOT a good housekeeper and it takes me that long to clean my place up for company.

The last couple of times I have invited her, she cancelled at the last minute. I was disappointed. I decided to not call her since I was always the one to initiate a meeting and felt perhaps she wanted her spaces. So for the past 6-8 weeks, when I bump into her we have a pleasant conversation for 5 minutes and go our separate ways.

Well, she said something about having tea again some time. I simply said ‘sure sounds great’ trying to let her set the official plan.

Well, Friday morning I bumped into her on my way to work, when she asked ‘Are you free to come over tonight for tea’ I answered ‘No I have my work party how is tomorrow’ She said ‘We have my grandson but he will be gone by 7 so I will call you after that.’ Well, it is now 9:15 and my phone has not rung.

Honestly, as friendly as she is, I really have trouble making plans with people who are so unreliable. On the one hand, I had the luxury of watching TV on my couch while I waited so I didn’t have to dress up and go anywhere. On the other hand, I wanted to get some things done but I did not want to be in the middle of a job when she called so I didn’t start anything. I find this unfair to me.

So… how do I handle this. Do I act like nothing happened? Or do I say something?

Thoughts?

Angie
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Your friend sounds a little spacey.

I think I’d continue to be pleasant and friendly, but not prioritize get togethers with her, but get together when it’s convenient for you.

Another technique for dealing with this sort of person is not make any engagements with just the two of you or that depend on you. So you could invite her to some event you’re going to anyway or an event that you have invited multiple people to. Just don’t make any plans with her where her flaking out is going to inconvenience you.
 
Xantippe said:
Your frihttp://shop.catholic.com/end sounds a little spacey.

I think I’d continue to be pleasant and friendly, but not prioritize get togethers with her, but get together when it’s convenient for you.

Another technique for dealing with this sort of person is not make any engagements with just the two of you or that depend on you. So you could invite her to some event you’re going to anyway or an event that you have invited multiple people to. Just don’t make any plans with her where her flaking out is going to inconvenience you.
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Thanks for the response. However my question is more like ‘Should I say something to her’? Or ‘Just pretend it did not happen’?

Thanks
 
hi. I have a hard time with people like this also as well as with people who are never on time. honestly, I think there are people who are so disorganized they do not realize they are being inconsiderate to others.
then there are immature people who like playing games who know exactly what they are doing. I hope your acquaintance is not one of those. if you feel the opportunity presents itself, you might say something or perhaps not be as pleasant the next time you cross paths. I guess it depends on if you want to give her another chance or not. as another poster said, she sounds a little spacey.
 
I have a friend who is like this. She always gets tired or has a headache or doesn’t want to go out in crowds or weather. She notorious for always calling with a “raincheck”. The only way to handle her is to not make plans that depend on her presence for you to enjoy them.
 
Anglewannabe said:
There is a lady who lives in the same building as me. She is very friendly to talk to. After knowing her a few years, I asked her to my apartment for tea a couple of time. We had pleasant conversations.

She is busy because her son is a single father and when it is his weekend to have his, she likes to spend time with them. I understand that. I am also the type how likes to make plans a week in advance (I know it drives people nuts) but the reality is, I am NOT a good housekeeper and it takes me that long to clean my place up for company.

The last couple of times I have invited her, she cancelled at the last minute. I was disappointed. I decided to not call her since I was always the one to initiate a meeting and felt perhaps she wanted her spaces. So for the past 6-8 weeks, when I bump into her we have a pleasant conversation for 5 minutes and go our separate ways.

Well, she said something about having tea again some time. I simply said ‘sure sounds great’ trying to let her set the official plan.

Well, Friday morning I bumped into her on my way to work, when she asked ‘Are you free to come over tonight for tea’ I answered ‘No I have my work party how is tomorrow’ She said ‘We have my grandson but he will be gone by 7 so I will call you after that.’ Well, it is now 9:15 and my phone has not rung.

Honestly, as friendly as she is, I really have trouble making plans with people who are so unreliable. On the one hand, I had the luxury of watching TV on my couch while I waited so I didn’t have to dress up and go anywhere. On the other hand, I wanted to get some things done but I did not want to be in the middle of a job when she called so I didn’t start anything. I find this unfair to me.

So… how do I handle this. Do I act like nothing happened? Or do I say something?

Thoughts?

Angie
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There is a lady that I have known since high school and even went to church at the same church as her for a little bit. She works at my university (I am older than many of the students, though still in my 20s) every time I walk passed her, she looks down at her phone. I had one friend (a really close friend) avoid me and ignore me for a year, until I saw her in public. We had a chat a few days after that and we are fine now. I have an ex girlfriend that I would love to talk to, but, well, that’s a whole nother story. I understand your frustration. Don’t act like nothing happened, but gentle, and loving, but honest.
 
I’m not sure it’s worth saying anything. Sometimes the geometry just isn’t there for a stable interaction.

IMNAAHO

ICXC NIKA
 
I think I’d just let it go. As she is older and a grandmother perhaps her day/eve. did not work out as she expected. She may have simply forgot. Be friendly, but say nothing. Don’t initiate new encounters for tea and thee. Just be cool. If this is the worst encounter you have in socializing in this world you are very fortunate. Peace.
 
I’m the bad friend who forgets things or I get busy and time passes and I end up not making it. My closer friends know to pester me about plans because I’m a forgetful procrastinator. You can thank my ADHD for that. Maybe your friend has issues too?
 
I would say something , smile and keep it light.-like it was no big deal.–just ask what happened. It’s best to clear the air in a friendly non-confrontational way with people like this especially if they are neighbors.

Seems that when she said about her grandson-she was not really available, but may not know how to say sorry---- maybe next week…

This way you stay on friendly, neighborly terms without any awkwardness when you see her after this. She has good intentions, but very poor follow through so keep this in mind.
 
7_Sorrows said:
then there are immature people who like playing games who know exactly what they are doing. I hope your acquaintance is not one of those.
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I think deep down this woman is good hearted. She has not given me any reason to believe she is doing this for sport.
 
Mary_Estelle said:
I think I’d just let it go. As she is older and a grandmother perhaps her day/eve. did not work out as she expected. She may have simply forgot. Be friendly, but say nothing. Don’t initiate new encounters for tea and thee. Just be cool. If this is the worst encounter you have in socializing in this world you are very fortunate. Peace.
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Actually she is only in her mid fifties and I am in my mid 40s so the age difference isn’t really an issue. The thing is she initiated this one.
 
mommy_k said:
I would say something , smile and keep it light.-like it was no big deal.–just ask what happened. It’s best to clear the air in a friendly non-confrontational way with people like this especially if they are neighbors.

Seems that when she said about her grandson-she was not really available, but may not know how to say sorry---- maybe next week…

This way you stay on friendly, neighborly terms without any awkwardness when you see her after this. She has good intentions, but very poor follow through so keep this in mind.
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I like your advice about saying something in a friendly way, please pray to God he gives me the Dale Carnegie skills to pull it off.

At the end of the day, she is a pleasant person to bump into and I don’t want any tension in my residence
 
After exchanging pleasantries, I would say something along the lines of, “I was sorry I didn’t hear from you X day. Is everything ok?”

Chances are her visit with her grandson exended organically and she lost track of time. I’ve had a few flaky friends who are similarly good-hearted, but the friendships mostly devolved into phone calls and remote contact because of unreliability.

Just a thought, but early dementia symptoms can set in in a person’s 50s, and missed appointments are one of the first symptoms to surface. That might apply, but hopefully not!
 
Anglewannabe said:
There is a lady who lives in the same building as me. She is very friendly to talk to. After knowing her a few years, I asked her to my apartment for tea a couple of time. We had pleasant conversations.

She is busy because her son is a single father and when it is his weekend to have his, she likes to spend time with them. I understand that. I am also the type how likes to make plans a week in advance (I know it drives people nuts) but the reality is, I am NOT a good housekeeper and it takes me that long to clean my place up for company.

The last couple of times I have invited her, she cancelled at the last minute. I was disappointed. I decided to not call her since I was always the one to initiate a meeting and felt perhaps she wanted her spaces. So for the past 6-8 weeks, when I bump into her we have a pleasant conversation for 5 minutes and go our separate ways.

Well, she said something about having tea again some time. I simply said ‘sure sounds great’ trying to let her set the official plan.

Well, Friday morning I bumped into her on my way to work, when she asked ‘Are you free to come over tonight for tea’ I answered ‘No I have my work party how is tomorrow’ She said ‘We have my grandson but he will be gone by 7 so I will call you after that.’ Well, it is now 9:15 and my phone has not rung.

Honestly, as friendly as she is, I really have trouble making plans with people who are so unreliable. On the one hand, I had the luxury of watching TV on my couch while I waited so I didn’t have to dress up and go anywhere. On the other hand, I wanted to get some things done but I did not want to be in the middle of a job when she called so I didn’t start anything. I find this unfair to me.

So… how do I handle this. Do I act like nothing happened? Or do I say something?

Thoughts?

Angie
Click to expand...
Do you have her phone number? Maybe next time you can call her if more than 30 min have passed and you don’t hear from her. Although her history may suggest otherwise, you never know if something happened etc and that is why she has not called. At least if you talk with her you will know if she is no longer planning on meeting with you.
 
You made very vague/casual plans and it didn’t work out (for any number of reasons). Refering to it as “being stood up” is a bit dramatic.

By all means though ask her about it. I think it will help set your own mind at ease. But don’t make a big deal out of it - because it’s simply not a bid deal. You could just say something like “I take it your grandson ended up staying later the other night than you expected”. It gets the conversation rolling in a fairly non-confrontational manner. I imagine this is what happened and by the time he left she simply forgot you’d made (very vague) plans or thought it was too late to call.
 
I don’t know that I would confront her about it, but if you really feel the need to, I like this approach:
alphawoman said:
After exchanging pleasantries, I would say something along the lines of, “I was sorry I didn’t hear from you X day. Is everything ok?”
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