Being the spiritual leader

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brgregmack

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I’ve been dating a very beautiful woman since September, but since I haven’t really had any consistent examples of what it looks like to be the spiritual leader in the relationship, I’m turning here for suggestions and ideas. She knows what she wants, but if she continually tells me that, the practical effect is that she would be leading and not me.

Thanks for your help 🙂
 
Having been married for 25 years, I can tell you sometimes one person leads, other times the other leads, but the best times are when you walk side by side as equal partners.

Unless you can read minds, the only way to know what the other person wants is to ask. Ask if she wants you to be a “spiritual leader” for her. Then (or before that) ask what she thinks it means to be a “spiritual leader.”

I suspect you will find she is happy with you being you. If she is not, you might seriously wish to evaluate what the future would hold if you stay together.

Peace
 
brgregmack said:
I’ve been dating a very beautiful woman since September, but since I haven’t really had any consistent examples of what it looks like to be the spiritual leader in the relationship, I’m turning here for suggestions and ideas. She knows what she wants, but if she continually tells me that, the practical effect is that she would be leading and not me.

Thanks for your help 🙂
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Do you know what you want?

If you don’t, you can’t be a leader, spiritual or otherwise.
 
brgregmack said:
I’ve been dating a very beautiful woman since September, but since I haven’t really had any consistent examples of what it looks like to be the spiritual leader in the relationship, I’m turning here for suggestions and ideas. She knows what she wants, but if she continually tells me that, the practical effect is that she would be leading and not me.

Thanks for your help 🙂
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It is so nice to see you back on the boards! I have prayed for you in the past and was hoping things were going well for you. It sounds like they are! That is great. Congrats on the new Bishop, he is going to be a good one!

In regards to spiritual leadership I am confused about one thing. What is it that she wants and what is it that you want? Does she want you to lead? Would she rather co lead, or would you like her to lead?

Spiritual leadership can be touchy and even more touchy in a romantic relationship.
Are you both Catholic?

My wife and I have very distinct roles. We co lead on everything but there is always one person that decisions come down to. With finances, geography, and even vacations, it is my wife. With child raising, diet, and spiritual matters, it is me. I was her sponsor and both of us were converts. We also both have theology degrees. And while simple faith comes more naturally to her, I have always been the leader. It is what works for us.

What is it exactly that you wish to lead or not lead on? What are the issues at play? Prayer life? What parish to attend? Or what faith to belong to?
 
brgregmack said:
I’ve been dating a very beautiful woman since September, but since I haven’t really had any consistent examples of what it looks like to be the spiritual leader in the relationship, I’m turning here for suggestions and ideas. She knows what she wants, but if she continually tells me that, the practical effect is that she would be leading and not me.

Thanks for your help 🙂
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If she knows what she wants, she should tell you what it is she wants. Then you can decide if that’s what YOU want.
 
I’m not sure you have any authority at this point to lead spiritually. She is not your spouse, correct?
 
KCT said:
I’m not sure you have any authority at this point to lead spiritually. She is not your spouse, correct?
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I’m not sure that matters. I spiritually led my girlfriend (later wife) to the Catholic Church.
A couple who does not feel out what each will lead on or not lead on is not doing their due diligence in finding a mate.
 
It’s not unknown for it to happen the other way around, too.
Hoosier_Daddy said:
I’m not sure that matters. I spiritually led my girlfriend (later wife) to the Catholic Church.
A couple who does not feel out what each will lead on or not lead on is not doing their due diligence in finding a mate.
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I just want to commend you for being willing and making an effort to do this (pursue spiritual leadership) in your relationship. In my own marriage, my husband has fallen short in this regard (it has been a difficult cross, among several others) and it’s refreshing to hear someone actually want to man up and do this for the woman in his life…so yeah, major kudos there.

To answer your question, I will tell you the things that I wish my husband did to be the spiritual leader of our family. At the heart of it, you really truly and deeply have to want for her to get to heaven. Keeping that in mind, I wish my husband did the following by his own choice and volition (in no particular order):

-Joined the men’s group at my Church so that he could get some good fellowship and have other men to learn from and lean on in his spiritual journey
-I wish that he would make an effort to stop us to pray (especially the rosary), instead of just at the end of the day when we put the kids down
-I wish he regularly went to confession, at least every couple of months instead of his usual once a year at my urging
-I wish he sought spiritual reading material to deepen and develop his faith
-I wish he joined me in the ministry work I do for the church and even initiated his own involvement
-I wish that he would take an interest in Church history and pilgrimages
-I wish he listened to Catholic radio
-I wish he initiated conversations about faith, faith in the news, etc.
-I wish that he could teach my kids more about the faith and Jesus

I think that these are all great ways to be a spiritual leader. Best of luck!
 
I think that communication is a good thing. perhaps you should have a direct conversation with her about what this means.
 
NurseyJ said:
To answer your question, I will tell you the things that I wish my husband did to be the spiritual leader of our family. At the heart of it, you really truly and deeply have to want for her to get to heaven. Keeping that in mind, I wish my husband did the following by his own choice and volition (in no particular order):

-Joined the men’s group at my Church so that he could get some good fellowship and have other men to learn from and lean on in his spiritual journey
-I wish that he would make an effort to stop us to pray (especially the rosary), instead of just at the end of the day when we put the kids down
-I wish he regularly went to confession, at least every couple of months instead of his usual once a year at my urging
-I wish he sought spiritual reading material to deepen and develop his faith
-I wish he joined me in the ministry work I do for the church and even initiated his own involvement
-I wish that he would take an interest in Church history and pilgrimages
-I wish he listened to Catholic radio
-I wish he initiated conversations about faith, faith in the news, etc.
-I wish that he could teach my kids more about the faith and Jesus

I think that these are all great ways to be a spiritual leader. Best of luck!
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As the “spiritual leader” in my last relationship, those are some things I wish my girlfriend would have done (except joining any men’s group lol)
Its hard to be a “spiritual leader” when the person you are supposed to “lead” has very little interest in anything “religious” other than fulfilling the Sunday Mass attendance obligation. I imagine being a “spiritual leader” for someone who is interested in spirituality is just continuing to do what you do and being a little more careful to give a good example.
 
LaughingBoy1503 said:
As the “spiritual leader” in my last relationship, those are some things I wish my girlfriend would have done (except joining any men’s group lol)
Its hard to be a “spiritual leader” when the person you are supposed to “lead” has very little interest in anything “religious” other than fulfilling the Sunday Mass attendance obligation. I imagine being a “spiritual leader” for someone who is interested in spirituality is just continuing to do what you do and being a little more careful to give a good example.
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Come to think of it, I think men ought to be concerned about significant others that are all “whatever you want, honey” and totally compliant in spirituality or really anything else. What does she want? If she’s really passive, you won’t know and it may turn out that it’s completely different from what you’ve been doing all along. Gender aside, there are certainly lots of cases where a less religious or non-religious girlfriend or boyfriend is much more sweet and accommodating about their significant other’s religious practice–right up until they’ve been married for some time. (I don’t think it’s necessarily a bait and switch, it’s just that a lot of things look cute and sweet in the courtship phase that become intolerable in an established marriage.)
 
It is a wonderful thing that you want to be the spiritual leader of your family. Whether it was through weakness or lack of faith, I failed to establish this and I find my family spiritually adrift. I also don’t have the respect that a father should have, and it will be hard for me to even reestablish my relationship with the Lord in addition to motivating them to do the same.

Be the rock for your family, and I am sure you and your family will be the better for it.

Best wishes and God Bless you.
 
In our family, when we pray the Rosary or other special devotions, DH always leads. We are considering starting to pray the Liturgy of the Hours as a family night prayer, and DH will lead. This is to demonstrate respect for his position as the spiritual priest/leader of the family.
 
brgregmack said:
I’ve been dating a very beautiful woman since September, but since I haven’t really had any consistent examples of what it looks like to be the spiritual leader in the relationship, I’m turning here for suggestions and ideas. She knows what she wants, but if she continually tells me that, the practical effect is that she would be leading and not me.

Thanks for your help 🙂
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Try to get yourself a spiritual director. You need a mentor.
 
1ke said:
If she knows what she wants, she should tell you what it is she wants. Then you can decide if that’s what YOU want.
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Supposing that what she wants isn’t what he wants, then what, they check their birth certificates to see which one has an “M” and which one has an “F”? I mean, it’s one way of resolving disagreements, I guess. Another way that would be just as sound as that is a game of rock, paper, scissors.
 
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