Being told I look innocent

[Anglewannabe]

There is a group of people I play cards with once a week. One lady who is 75 recently had surgery. So, last week I went to pay her a visit. Not something I had eve done before but this was a special situation. We started to talk and she asked me if I had ever been married (for the 5th or sixth time) to which I said ‘no’. She then proceeded to tell me I looked innocent much younger than my 45 years and that I don’t seem like the type to realize how men could be liars and that I would be the type of woman to not know how to defend myself. Let’s just say I did not know exactly what she was getting at.

I was telling that to another very Catholic friend, just commenting that I though it was odd. The second friend said it sounded like a big compliment and that my good nature shows through and that God was doing good work in me because if I struck her as ‘young and innocent’, obviously all my bitterness from my past does not show through.

Just curious, but does society equate good nature with youth? Not sure how to read this

Angie

 

[1ke]

One lady, sick and elderly, made an oddball comment to you. I don’t think you can or should extrapolate from there to anything about what “society” thinks.

 

[Xantippe]

Just curious, but does society equate good nature with youth? Not sure how to read this

Angie

Ever seen a Disney movie–sweet, big-eyed young heroines and eeeeevil step-mothers and witches that are either losing or have lost their looks?

 

[pianistclare]

Sounds like she was warning you to not be naïve.
I’m sure she thought she was giving you good advice.
You were a captive audience.
All I’d read into it is that she doesn’t get many visitors who actually listen to her.

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

To some really old folks anybody under 50 or 60 is considered young. So she thinks you look younger than your age and she thinks you are naive. lol. That does not mean it is so. There are people who look like the type who are easily fooled and taken advantage of. She just mistook you for one and wanted to give you a “heads up” about it.

Did that really bother you? I have been told that I look like I just got out of prison in the past

 

[Anglewannabe]

Did that really bother you? I have been told that I look like I just got out of prison in the past

I just had a different perspective than my second friend and it was more a lesson about how different people jump to different conclusions. Also, I guess it was just a curiosity thing since I have such a temper it was shocking that I came across as young and innocent

But to be more honest, what bothered me is I had really abusive older brother and she rubbed salt on my wounds that I could not defend myself against him. I have worked hard on trying to forgive myself for not being able to make the abuse stop and being told ‘you can’t defend yourself’ was shaming. It was like blaming the victim. I did not say this to her since she doesn’t know how abusive my brother is, but it still did trigger me

Angie

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

I just had a different perspective than my second friend and it was more a lesson about how different people jump to different conclusions. Also, I guess it was just a curiosity thing since I have such a temper it was shocking that I came across as young and innocent

But to be more honest, what bothered me is I had really abusive older brother and she rubbed salt on my wounds that I could not defend myself against him. I have worked hard on trying to forgive myself for not being able to make the abuse stop and being told ‘you can’t defend yourself’ was shaming. It was like blaming the victim. I did not say this to her since she doesn’t know how abusive my brother is, but it still did trigger me

Angie

Oh, I see. Yeah, I think I understand then. For me, that is kind of like when a woman told me a couple years ago that I am shy. It bothered me because I know I am not shy now, I just did not have much to say. But there was a time when I was shy and did not like it. So it kind of hit a nerve.

 

[Lookingforjoy]

Was she ever married? Sounds like she had a bad experience and is trying to warn you away from the same thing.

 

[Isca]

To some really old folks anybody under 50 or 60 is considered young. So she thinks you look younger than your age and she thinks you are naive. lol. That does not mean it is so. There are people who look like the type who are easily fooled and taken advantage of. She just mistook you for one and wanted to give you a “heads up” about it.

Did that really bother you?** I have been told that I look like I just got out of prison in the past **

I was once asked if my daughter enjoyed her holiday. The ‘daughter’ was actually my older sister!

 

[BartholomewB]

I was once asked if my daughter enjoyed her holiday. The ‘daughter’ was actually my older sister!

Soon after my marriage my mother-in-law introduced us to some friends of hers. Later she told us that they commented to her afterwards, “Do you think it’s right for such a young girl to marry a man who is so much older than her?” They were very disapproving. In fact my wife is a few months older than me. We were both 28 at the time.

 

[Anglewannabe]

Was she ever married? Sounds like she had a bad experience and is trying to warn you away from the same thing.

That’s what baffles me. She was married to an alcoholic and tells me that since I was never married to an abusive man I am innocent. If anything, I personally think the fact I was able to avoid an abusive man shows I am a lot less innocent than her.

 

[pianistclare]

That’s what baffles me. She was married to an alcoholic and tells me that since I was never married to an abusive man I am innocent. If anything, I personally think the fact I was able to avoid an abusive man shows I am a lot less innocent than her.

Now that you’ve posted further, I think I see what’s going on.
Due to her age, her vocabulary defines a bit differently.
By “innocent” she means “you never had to go through this…” something akin to “pure” or “inexperienced in the trials of marriage”.
She means no harm. it’s the way she talks.
Focus more on the good deed you do for her, than the delivery of her words to you.

 

[Crown_of_Stars]

Was she ever married? Sounds like she had a bad experience and is trying to warn you away from the same thing.

That’s what I thought. Her statement sounded more like a bitter warning. Being she was elderly, though, she may be in the stages of Alzheimer’s, or on medication. You just never know. I wouldn’t really take what she said to heart. It sounds complimentary, yet in another way it doesn’t.

 

[silver_moon]

There is a group of people I play cards with once a week. One lady who is 75 recently had surgery. So, last week I went to pay her a visit. Not something I had eve done before but this was a special situation. We started to talk and she asked me if I had ever been married (for the 5th or sixth time) to which I said ‘no’. She then proceeded to tell me I looked innocent much younger than my 45 years and that I don’t seem like the type to realize how men could be liars and that I would be the type of woman to not know how to defend myself. Let’s just say I did not know exactly what she was getting at.

I was telling that to another very Catholic friend, just commenting that I though it was odd. The second friend said it sounded like a big compliment and that my good nature shows through and that God was doing good work in me because if I struck her as ‘young and innocent’, obviously all my bitterness from my past does not show through.

Just curious, but does society equate good nature with youth? Not sure how to read this

Angie

It sounds like she may not have been completely coherent and was venting frustrations from her own life for whatever reason. Are these statements typical of her when she’s not in the hospital? Also, asking several times if you’re married means she’s probably forgetful.

 

[EasterJoy]

She complimented you as a prelude to giving you advice about dealing with men. That’s a common bait-and-switch tactic for those who want to feel good about offering unsolicited advice. I will make excuses for her in a minute…

Take both the compliment and the advice with a grain of salt. The advice you get from those whose opinion you solicit because you believer they are of sound judgment is something you ought to take more seriously. Unsolicited advice (and, frankly, the advice you get here from all of us complete strangers you’ll never have to meet face-to-face, for that matter) is worth what you pay for it, like things you pick up for free after a garage sale. If it is a treasure, keep it. If not, chuck it without a second thought.

In her defense, I would warn you to downgrade anything you hear from people who have been under general anesthesia recently, particularly if they are over 65. The central nervous system does not cope all that well with being held so close to death as we are during chemically-induced unconsciousness. People and their brains take longer than we think to recover from that. Any of us might freely say things that we would not even have thought before going under, so it is charitable not to hold such things against anyone. Listen to them talk about what they are feeling, but do not get at all upset about anything they say about you.

 

[Allegra]

It’s not healthy for you to take everything that everyone says so personally. You’ve got so much “salt in your wounds” people are going to start approaching you with bags of popcorn if you don’t watch out. Seriously, it’s the ramblings of an ill, elderly lady who probably hasn’t got a lot of people to talk to. Just smile and nod and take it as a compliment that she think you look younger than you actually are.

Haven’t you ever dealt with a crotchety old woman before? My stepfather’s mother greeted me on my wedding day with, “You don’t look like you’ve lost 30 pounds to me.” That’s the kind of stuff that elderly women spout. They say the mind goes first, but I’m pretty sure it’s actually tact that goes first. Just be nice to them because they’re old and if you take them out in public, try to avoid getting within earshot of black people. (Just in case they should have an opinion on the subject of race they feel the need to express.)

 

[Hodegetria]

I agree with the first response- among others - you got an oddball comment from a sick, elderly (and possibly medicated) person. Try to take it in the best, most charitable way possible and just let it go.

I’m in recovery, and when I got to AA in '01, I had really thin skin and obsessed over every little comment. The wise people there told me, "What other people think of you is none of your business." When I embraced that saying and stopped letting every (forgettable) utterance have power over my peace of mind, life became much easier.

Allegra, your one comment made me lol. I used to have the same situation with my elderly friend (RIP) and hoping we didn’t run into anyone different (obese, young & pregnant, whatever) on whom he could spout off. It brought back memories… Anyway, I agree with you – it is tact that goes first!

 

[Xantippe]

I agree with the first response- among others - you got an oddball comment from a sick, elderly (and possibly medicated) person. Try to take it in the best, most charitable way possible and just let it go.

I’m in recovery, and when I got to AA in '01, I had really thin skin and obsessed over every little comment. The wise people there told me, "What other people think of you is none of your business." When I embraced that saying and stopped letting every (forgettable) utterance have power over my peace of mind, life became much easier.

Allegra, your one comment made me lol. I used to have the same situation with my elderly friend (RIP) and hoping we didn’t run into anyone different (obese, young & pregnant, whatever) on whom he could spout off. It brought back memories… Anyway, I agree with you – it is tact that goes first!

True story:

I was once at a friend’s wedding. Behind me, there was an older lady that was loudly trying to identify who the different people in the bridal party were (she did not seem that familiar with them). But then the wedding procession started and as a chubby bridesmaid processed in, the old lady said, “My, what a WIDE bridesmaid.”

One of the things that happens when we get older is that our verbal filter becomes less effective.

But, at the same time, you sometimes learn a thing or two. I was talking to my 90-year-old grandma last night and mentioned that our oldest daughter was one of two girls in a class with eleven boys. Grandma said, and I quote, “I would have loved that when I was 13!” That’s a whole side of grandma I never knew…

 

[ack]

True story:

I was once at a friend’s wedding. Behind me, there was an older lady that was loudly trying to identify who the different people in the bridal party were (she did not seem that familiar with them). But then the wedding procession started and as a chubby bridesmaid processed in, the old lady said, “My, what a WIDE bridesmaid.”

Unfortunately, sometimes this happens to younger people too. My mom broke off a friendship with an about-55-year-old friend because the seemingly total disappearance of her mental filter got to be too much. Hope that doesn’t happen to me.