bereavment

[Ayeaiii]

Hello,
I was just wanting to know how to be a good friend to someone who has suffered the worst most horrific sort of bereavment. I know in such situation no word or action can hope to matter much, and nothing can even hope to take away even some little bit of the grief. However, I just wanted to know how I can be a good friend.

If the person is not religious, religious approach makes little impact and may come across as ‘preachy’, so this approach i may other wist take cannot be. I fear to say to much, or do too much, incase it seems to demamad too much from the person, which I never will want to do.

I fear to say how sorry I am, or how sad I feel for him, because that makes it about me, which I never want to do.

I did not know if right either to try and think any positive, such as it will hurt lessin time. I feel to say this may seem to deny his feelings, and likely untrue also.

How best to say to a friend suffered a terrible berevment? I just want to do right, and I confess so far done nothing but tell my friend who can get to him more easy (I live far away), to tell him I sent my love. I have been worried to do much incase I am imposing myself on him too much in the earliest stages while he still reeling.

Thank you. X

 

[kmleo]

It is my opinion that you can share your religious beliefs in a time like this without being “preachy.” In fact, it doesn’t even have to come across as “sharing a religious belief.” Something as simple as, “I will be praying for you” is a comfort to hear, whether or not they think it will work. Or, “When bad things happen, God sends good people for us to lean on. I am happy to listen, if you want to talk about this.”

Just being there for your friend, and being their own personal angel during this time can be enough. You don’t have to talk about God, but you don’t have to be silent about Him either. Your friend will just appreciate that you cared.

Best wishes for you and your friend – you are both in my prayers.

 

[Ayeaiii]

Hi,
Thanks, that is really helpful. I hope I did not sound bad speaking of preachy, just I wanted to explain I might otherwise appeal to religion but I didn’t know if it will be so relevant here. Just so desperate for to say the right thing. But if a good way to bring comfort can be to appeal to the sense of higher power, then perhaps this can be considered. it is a tricky one.

Does anyone else have experience of such a thing? Thanks again for your help, and thank you for the prayers. If you like you can say extra prayer for the person I know, not for me, I think he needs every thought. Thank you, God bless you.

X

 

[dorisbonkers]

Hello there. I hope you don’t mind my butting in, as a strong atheist, who also suffered a “terrible bereavement” (I’m not sure there are any other kinds of bereavement?)

My father killed himself a few years ago but before his body was recovered he was missing for 4-5 months. He was eventually found and our gravest fears were realised.

I had a friend – not close – who was religious. She came out of the woodwork at this time and told me she was praying and that this would be an opportunity to seek god. And other things about suicide and guilt and catholicism.

While I wouldn’t have dreamed of being rude to her face what she said made me internally very, very angry. What preening arrogance, what lack of tact, what insensitivity? That’s what I thought inside. How dare she use this situation as an opportunity to convert me?

So I would advise a careful, non-religious approach with someone you know doesn’t believe in God.

Suffice to say, we don’t keep in touch. No row, no words. I just saw in that instant how far apart we really were.

 

[SMHW]

I think there’s big difference between saying something like, “I’m so sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you,” and, “I’m sorry but I know that God will use this to work in your life.” The former is acceptable. The latter is intrusive for anyone but the closest companions with shared beliefs.

 

[Salonika]

Hi Ayeaiii

Not sure if this will help a lot but most of us struggle to know what to do/say when a close friend suffers a bereavement, especially a horrific one. And it is more difficult when the bereaved friend is not in the same location as you.

While we are all different, there are ways in which we are similiar. So one way of approaching the situation is to say to yourself “what do I think I would want in this situation?” and then think “do I think my friend would also want this?”

Asking these questions will help you decide whether to bring up religion or not, or whether there are religious comments you should avoid.

Think the most important things for your friend to know are:

• you are so sorry about their bereavement
• you are there for them NOW (by phone, email)
• you will be there for them in the coming months

Think the later is very important as often people get great support up to after the funeral and then it tails off as people go back to their normal life.

Regards

Salonika

 

[Ayeaiii]

Hi,
Thanks a lot for that everyone. I guess it seems a little perverse to say a horrific bereavment you are right. But I just wanted to make the point that it was, because it was extremely horrific, in terrible circumstance, to a person one never should have to outlive, to a personwho was the last who should have had this. Though I know it is of course so, little meaning in saying this, all bereavement is horrific.

Dorisbonkers, thanks so so much for your views, it is very very helpful to hear from an atheist, as likely your views maybe a little similar to his. I think I best be not heavy on the religion thing, certainly not as some chane to try and convert! I am really sorry you have that experience with your (ex)friend.

Thanks Salonika, that is true, I think an important message is one about being there, now and always. I think if it was me, I would want the space to talk or not talk, and not be judged on however i reacted. As well no one to in anyway made it about them. I guess that is the ways to be, or I hope it is.

Thanks everyone

 

[LSK]

I cannot help but think of the quote attributed to St Francis of Assisi…always preach the Gospel but sometimes, use words.

This may be an opportunity to preach without saying one word…

I have suffered several losses over the years - some horrific, some just terribly sad and others shocking because of the timing but not unexpected.

The greatest gift people gave me was their love and time…a simple phone call to say, “Hey, how are you?” or a little funny card in the mail or in my email box…it made such a difference.

 

[Salonika]

Thanks Salonika, that is true, I think an important message is one about being there, now and always. I think if it was me, I would want the space to talk or not talk, and not be judged on however i reacted.

Thanks for your comment, Ayeaiii, most appreciated.

I think you’ve raised two very important points:

be aware when a bereaved person wants/needs to talk and when they don’t. It recognises that we all grieve in different ways and that we may feel feel differently on different days.

do not to judge people for how they react to bereavement.

 

[kobefire]

Is your catholic faith important to you?
Should your potential mate share your faith & values?
Looking for fellowship with other catholic singles?

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

I wouldn’t go all “godly” on the person. Of course, I probably wouldn’t even do that with my religious friends. I would tell absolutely anyone that they are in my prayers (unless I thought they would actually be offended by my prayer). Beyond that, I wouldn’t say much, other than listen to whatever they wanted to share with me and affirm their feelings. If this is a good friend, I’d check in periodically, and ask “how are you doing?” - just to let them know I hadn’t forgotten that grief lasts for a long time. But I wouldn’t do that with a person I wasn’t close to, because it would be intrusive.

I agree, being there in action is better than words. After the initial statements of “I’m so sorry for your loss” and “you and your family are in my prayers” I’d go with “Do you need anything? I’d like to drop off a meal at your house - would that be alright?” Notice don’t stop at “do you need anything” because the standard answer to that is “no thanks.” In the case of a family, aside from meals, offers of carpools, helping with an errand, picking up staples or supplies. You don’t want to overdo it (some people can be overwhelmed with “helpers” if their grief is known by alot of people), but if a quick conversation makes a physical need known to you, your filling that need will say volumes more than any mention of God.