Best option for teen parents

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Lmariethom

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Niece (18.5) and boyfriend (16.5) got pregnant after dating 6 months. Parents of boy did not realize niece was 2 years older - she looks and acts younger. This is both their first relationship. She hid pregnancy and is due in 2 months. They will have dated one year. Both said they were counseled by their catholic guidance counselor to place for adoption. My niece’s boyfriend and his family, as well as mine, were pleased. Both seemed at peace and my niece has even chosen and met a family that she seems to think is awesome.
But now, it seems my niece thinks she can raise the twins (yes! There are two.) My sister-in-law does not want to encourage adoption now because she sees her daughter wavering. She thinks my niece will have mental health issues for the rest of her life. How can a boy still in high school be a good father? They are too young to live together. He is now distancing himself and pretending that everything will be all right. He does not want to be a father but he has told his parents that she will place for adoption. And then he says he is unsure. Hoping that his first love places babies for adoption. Both teens come from good families. A real heartbreak. My niece was just about to enter college.
What is sound catholic advice for these 2 young people? Please help! I am meeting them for lunch tomorrow.
 
If I were in your shoes I would counsel adoption – it’s a loving thing to do for these two babies. Neither your niece or her boyfriend are in any position to raise a baby let alone two. Since your niece has met a couple she thinks would make good parents, encourage her to continue talking with them. I’m assuming it’s an open adoption. She can negotiate to have periodic updates on how the babies are doing and will be assured they’re having a good life.
 
Would it be a sin for her boyfriend to leave her if she chose to raise the babies with her family? My brother - with the insistence of my sister-in-law - would house and care for my niece and the babies for several years. This is what is being talked about if she decides to raise them instead of placing them. I feel sadness for the boy. His heart and mind were settled and at peace with adoption. Now he is withdrawn. I think he is terrified. He still sees my niece every day. They don’t fight or argue. They just avoid the discussion I think. They act like teens - watching movies, playing games, eating. When we meet for lunch, I want to be fair to him. I think he might need to know what is acceptable to do. His mother said from the first day of knowing about the pregnancy, both kids said the only option is adoption. The more I read on-line, a young man is made to accept what the young woman chooses. I think my niece feels he will just follow along because they are “in love”. But she, too, says “it is all so confusing” when we talk in the phone.
 
Thank you MK. Marriage is not an option either is talking of. And my brother, wife, and the boy’s family are not going there either. They know they are too young. It is sad, though. And it is confusing. Too young for marriage, but not too young to parent?
 
I have nieces and nephews who are at around the same age. I would personally not advise them anything - let them and their parents deal with the situation. Your niece is 18 going on 19, and is an adult. Her parents are willing to help. Your sister in law does not want to encourage the adoption at this time and, in my opinion, you should not insert yourself in the middle of this situation. This has a potential to backfire on you big time. Both options - keeping the babies or placing them for adoption, are morally acceptable from the catholic point of view. Just be there for your niece and offer her your support, no matter what she will choose to do.
 
I agree! And thank you. I am the aunt who my niece looks up to. We spend every summer weekend together at my cabin. I think what I am saying is if she asks my opinion about her boyfriend, and he will be there at lunch, do I send them elsewhere for an answer? I will support her with either of the choices she will make, and I want to support him with his choice. I think he is too young. I must add that I have never allowed him to join us for overnights at the cabin. He comes for the day occassionally and we day-trip around the country.
I want to be able to tell them that they are both right in whatever they decide. Is that wrong?
My brother and his wife respect me. They are unsure how much they want this young man in their lives? If he is not willing, isn’t it a good idea to have my brother and his family - including his daughter - let him know? And why?
 
You might suggest she talk to some birth mothers who placed their children because they were too young to parent them. Twins are *extremely *difficult, even as they are a great blessing. Still, a couple who wanted many children and can’t have any might be thrilled to take twins. The birth parents can also dictate who they do and don’t want to place the child with. One of my cousins went to the top of the adoption list because the birth mother insisted on a practicing Catholic couple as parents.

I would also tell her that the care she is taking to be sure of her decision shows that she is taking it with appropriate seriousness. Still, wanting to give something to your child does not give you the capacity to give it. These young parents need to be careful their children do not become victims of the young parents’ wishful thinking.
 
I have not heard that twins are extremely difficult, but in many ways easier than a single child as being with each other calms them and they play together.

Anyway, I also think her place is to give guarded suggestions and be supportive as it is not her decision. I like the idea of the niece’s parents keeping them and helping out for a few years. The boyfriend’s opinions are pretty much irrelevant. If he steps up and they are still together in a few years maybe they can think about marriage then.
 
May I add two facts and one opinion.
Opinion is, share with your brother and his wife your opinions and views, then share with your niece you have done so, and refer her to her parents if she wants to know what your views and feelings are as that is her immediate family’s affair, you will support anything she decides. Stay out of the decision, stay in the loving support of Niece.
FIRST Fact: I raised three teen girls, now very young adults. Teen girls will remain very young adults for another decade, and with big brains which feel bigger when compared to other high school teens…most of an 18 year old’s world in senior year is one of constant homage for their intelligence and maturity from peers and teachers alike. Teens want everyone’s opinion and consider all with no regard to consequence, and need educated on why they must always follow parents. Liken to putting babies in a race car,engine started, key in ignition, light is green to go.
Know this Aunt: Niece asked for your opinion because she is likely asking EVERYONE she possible can, over and over again, most are other teens and friends. You are in a circle of validation, not a circle of advice [with you and your brother as you may think]. She will change her mind until she no longer can…no matter anyone’s view. It is the nature of the teenage girl. About colleges too, they are a mess with the second guessing their own decisions.
Fact two: My step sister, now 48, was adopted at birth. She found my step mom, a wonderful woman, less than a decade ago, they are good friends. No matter; she was taught by loving parents who chose her, how WONDERFUL is her birth mother to gift God’s greatest reward to parents better equipped and ready for love; to think of her baby first, to bless her with the best ever parents who were ready to chose her, and my sister (yes, we refer such) is whole and loving (not raised by a 16 year old). loving ~ blessed, so blessed. It worked 100 % for ALL involved but for birth mother who had to wait 40 years to know it would.
Now even birth mother, my step mom, very much knows.
It is a different world now, and your niece does not have to wait 40 years. My sister, and thousands like her, will be happy to tell of their homage to their birth parents, their great love of their birth parents, greatest love my sister says, their knowledge of the sacrifice their birth parents made in their honor opposed to the more prominent and sorrowful examples of people keeping babies way, way to young and still needing their own parenting.
Much love to all of you during this difficult and building opportunity.
Blessing to all no matter what happens and may God see you and your family through.
 
I truly appreciate all of your replies. Especially the knowing about young women! I never had to deal with this is a teen or young adult - no friends had to either. (We were too scared to have sex and did respect what our teachers taught us. It is a different world now for young people.)
 
I would also advise making sure she knows about all the different forms of adoption, that she can have an open adoption, etc.
 
Lmariethom said:
Thank you MK. Marriage is not an option either is talking of. And my brother, wife, and the boy’s family are not going there either. They know they are too young. It is sad, though. And it is confusing. Too young for marriage, but not too young to parent?
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That not quite the perspective. Parenting is a matter of natural duty; if these teens marry, they may likely become parents of a second (or third) child very soon. This young women needs to accept that she was behaving irresponsibly, having sex before she was financially able to support a child. To marry while still unable to support a child would also be sinful.

There will always be some guilt and shame around giving a child up for adoption. This is biologically necessary, as otherwise no one would feel compelled to raise their own children. Denying this guilt will only make the process harder; it is this guilt that drives some couples to destroy their child rather than see it raised by another. :signofcross:

She needs to accept responsibility for her decisions past, present, and future. This is hard; she seems to want to weasel out the culpability for her past actions by wanting to raise the child herself. Doing so, so may not fully account for her future responsibilities as the child’s mother. Giving the child up for adoption means owning up her and her boyfriend’s past mistakes.

Adoption is especially hard if she is not committed to remaining chaste in the future, because the mistake was having sex, not getting pregnant. Her entire worldview is collapsing. She doesn’t want to admit wrong and commit to changing, but she also feels guilty about giving the child up. She needs to see adoption as an imperfect (but better) solution to her imperfect behavior.
 
Not to muddy the waters here, but isn’t there a legal issue involved? I thought that over 18 people caught having sex with those under 18 were charged with statutory rape? Is she in legal trouble or not?

Regardless, I can’t imagine a better outcome here than adoption. Is it the ideal for the kids? Nope, but it’s the best outcome among tough choices given the circumstances described. And there are a whole lotta good couples out there wanting to adopt infants. That said, it’s not your call, it’s hers. Do some praying for her!
 
manualman said:
Not to muddy the waters here, but isn’t there a legal issue involved? I thought that over 18 people caught having sex with those under 18 were charged with statutory rape? Is she in legal trouble or not?
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Romeo and Juliet laws, most likely. There’s exceptions for those just over 18 having sex with older teenagers. Usually the exception is something between 3 and 5 years age difference.
 
manualman said:
Not to muddy the waters here, but isn’t there a legal issue involved? I thought that over 18 people caught having sex with those under 18 were charged with statutory rape? Is she in legal trouble or not?
…
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In some states, the age of consent is 16.
 
manualman said:
Not to muddy the waters here, but isn’t there a legal issue involved? I thought that over 18 people caught having sex with those under 18 were charged with statutory rape? Is she in legal trouble or not?

Regardless, I can’t imagine a better outcome here than adoption. Is it the ideal for the kids? Nope, but it’s the best outcome among tough choices given the circumstances described. And there are a whole lotta good couples out there wanting to adopt infants. That said, it’s not your call, it’s hers. Do some praying for her!
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Well in this case it was a boy who was under 18 so I doubt the authorities will really care.
 
It sounds like an open adoption might be what works best here. I’m sure your niece is struggling with all of the questions we all face when we are about to become parents and is worried that an adoption would somehow signal that these precious babies were not loved. An open adoption can provide a level of contact that may allow her and the father to still communicate. I know an adoptee who had this situation in her life. She grew up understanding what a difficult choice her birth parents made. Because she ‘knew’ them, via letters and even occasional visits, she doesn’t doubt for a moment that she was very loved at birth…and NOW. Also, she was dropped into the arms of a couple who wanted so badly to be parents–she was a blessing to them.

Praying for this situation and for the Holy Spirit to guide all involved.

Kathy
 
First and foremost, people need to stop throwing out the idea of an ‘open adoption’ as though it’s this perfect, utopic answer where infertile couples receive the blessing of children and birth parents get to watch their children grow up in a happy, healthy home.

The reality is much more grim. In most states, open adoption agreements are not legally binding. That means that the adoptive parents can, and often do, close the adoption. They can do this without getting an attorney, without giving a reason, and at any time. That means it could happen after a few days or after 12 years. Adoptive parents who choose this are putting themselves in a very tight spot where they have to place their child with someone and trust them to keep their word about providing updates. And often, birth parents find themselves bending over backwards to cater to the adoptive parents under the threat of the adoption being closed.

Please, before suggesting something so risky as though it’s just no big deal, do some research. Speak to the women who trusted strangers only to have the door closed forever in their faces. Look at the online support groups, read their stories.

That said, to the OP, given the weight of this situation, you should stay out of it. If you tell your niece to give up the baby, you, the aunt, are telling her to give away her child, her boyfriend’s child, her mother’s grandchild, her father’s grandchild, the grandchild of two other people, and the list goes on. This does not affect you the same way that it will affect so many more people who are much closer to the situation. I would say the same if you were encouraging her to keep the child. I would tell you that you that you are telling her that she should make herself a burden on at least her family for the next few years. That you were trying to insist that a teen boy become a father prematurely, and that you were meddling with the lives of his parents as well. You just aren’t close enough to the situation to have a horse in the race, so out of respect for the people that do, you need to keep quiet.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
…you were trying to insist that a teen boy become a father prematurely…
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Stop giving the guy the easy out. HE has already chosen to engage in the actions that resulted in him becoming a father. Done deal. He’s no victim of others here.

Much of what you said has merit in regards to not trying to control other people in their major decisions. But this part was off the wall.
 
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