Best option for teen parents

[BlueEyedLady]

Stop giving the guy the easy out. HE has already chosen to engage in the actions that resulted in him becoming a father. Done deal. He’s no victim of others here.

Much of what you said has merit in regards to not trying to control other people in their major decisions. But this part was off the wall.

I’m not giving him anymore of an easy out than her. I guess I forgot to include that I would have said: “You are trying to pressure her into becoming a mother prematurely”. However, the fact is that the girl is over 18, and probably in a better position to get full time job with benefits than a 16 year old is. She’s also probably more capable of taking the necessary action to get qualified for a good paying job. (Nursing school at a local community college, a vocational program, beauty school, etc).

They are definitely of equal fault in this. However, he is becoming a father even more prematurely than she is a mother.

 

[SuperLuigi]

Not to muddy the waters here, but isn’t there a legal issue involved? I thought that over 18 people caught having sex with those under 18 were charged with statutory rape? Is she in legal trouble or not?

Regardless, I can’t imagine a better outcome here than adoption. Is it the ideal for the kids? Nope, but it’s the best outcome among tough choices given the circumstances described. And there are a whole lotta good couples out there wanting to adopt infants. That said, it’s not your call, it’s hers. Do some praying for her!

There’s leeway within certain limits regarding those laws.

 

[SuperLuigi]

If I were in your shoes I would counsel adoption – it’s a loving thing to do for these two babies. Neither your niece or her boyfriend are in any position to raise a baby let alone two. Since your niece has met a couple she thinks would make good parents, encourage her to continue talking with them. I’m assuming it’s an open adoption. She can negotiate to have periodic updates on how the babies are doing and will be assured they’re having a good life.

That is a good thought.

 

[manualman]

They are definitely of equal fault in this. However, he is becoming a father even more prematurely than she is a mother.

True, but the over-arching point is that both of them have already become father and mother and need to come to grips with that, not decide whether they want to pretend that they’re not.

Biology dictates that she bears the brunt of that and it looked like you were all to willing to let him off the hook with a wink. He needs as much as she does to face up to the facts of what he’s done.

 

[Lmariethom]

I was a good listener. Didn’t add my thoughts much. Just posed the odd question. The young man is under the assumption that it is a tiny possibility that my niece will want to raise the babies. I feel it is becoming a bigger possibility. My sense is she is testing her feelings about this on everyone. I just asked about her schooling. Or a job. What does her future look like? I think she is still “dreamy” like someone hear mentioned.
I am torn inside. But I continue to pray.

 

[Lmariethom]

Wanted to add that no one is letting him off the hook with a wink. But the more you think about it, the crazier it sounds: a 19 year and a 17 year sin - probably their worst mistake so far in their lives. Both are equally responsible for the conception, yet the young man has no choice and cannot make any decisions. He must accept 100% the young woman’s point of view. Unless…she was choosing adoption and he wanted to raise them himself. That is the only scenario where he would be making his own decision.
An act that takes two has its outcome pretty much decided by one? I am confused.
God Bless you all this evening.

 

[Xantippe]

Wanted to add that no one is letting him off the hook with a wink. But the more you think about it, the crazier it sounds: a 19 year and a 17 year sin - probably their worst mistake so far in their lives. Both are equally responsible for the conception, yet the young man has no choice and cannot make any decisions. He must accept 100% the young woman’s point of view. Unless…she was choosing adoption and he wanted to raise them himself. That is the only scenario where he would be making his own decision.
An act that takes two has its outcome pretty much decided by one? I am confused.
God Bless you all this evening.

Actually, if she keeps the babies, he will eventually be able to have (name removed by moderator)ut as to their upbringing, if that’s what he wants. She wouldn’t be able to keep the babies and shut him out indefinitely.

Also, if he wants to bail out on the situation, that’s always a possibility. I know a guy who got a girl pregnant when he was 16 (she was the same age) and when I knew about him, it was about 10+ years later and he was working under the table, dodging his child-support payments and living with a new girlfriend in pretty dire material circumstances (living out of a car at some points). If that’s the way this guy wants to go, nobody can stop him.

Everybody in this scenario has a number of choices. They’re just not all equally attractive.

 

[bitterhope]

Another possibility that isn’t used as often is that dad can sign his rights away and in the future step dad can adopt the babies. That way dad is able to go his own way while mom is able to still raise her babies if she chooses. And if in the future marries her husband would legally be dad–even giving them his last name. This is what a few people I’ve met through the years have done. Usually I meet mom, adoptive dad and kids but I’ve also met a few birth dads that have signed their rights away so step dad could adopt. I’m not positive how that works or if it’s only possible once mom married and step dad has to petition, or if it’s possible at birth. Might be worth checking out though

 

[HouseArrest]

Wanted to add that no one is letting him off the hook with a wink. But the more you think about it, the crazier it sounds: a 19 year and a 17 year sin - probably their worst mistake so far in their lives. Both are equally responsible for the conception, yet the young man has no choice and cannot make any decisions. He must accept 100% the young woman’s point of view. Unless…she was choosing adoption and he wanted to raise them himself. That is the only scenario where he would be making his own decision.
An act that takes two has its outcome pretty much decided by one? I am confused.
God Bless you all this evening.

She can give the baby up for adoption without his consent? Doesn’t he have to agree to that? Aren’t their parental rights decided separately?

 

[Lmariethom]

No. A woman who chooses adoption can be overruled by a birth father who wants to raise the child.

 

[DarkLight]

No. A woman who chooses adoption can be overruled by a birth father who wants to raise the child.

It might be a little more complicated in this case. I am not sure if an underage father has the same rights as normal, or if he would need parental consent to exercise them.

 

[without]

To bad your brother and wife (or the boy’s parents) are not able to adopt. That way the twins can be raised by the family and the two “kids” who made a mistake can move on with their lives.

 

[Lmariethom]

My niece’s Mom said she would help her raise them in their home. She said for about 5 years - to let her daughter and hopefully, boyfriend, continue on track. Her husband and older daughter aren’t too pleased if this is the option, because they think my young niece will live the “easy life” and still act like a teenager. But because her Mom thinks it may destroy her to place them for adoption, I think this is the route they may take. I am concerned about letting them “play parents when they feel like it” and no one counselling them re: sex, etc. I am also not sure that the young man would stick around. He is just getting to know her. And her family. This change of plans is frightening to him I think. His parents are great. They, too, supported the adoption plan and my sister-in-law just said “Well, she is a mother you know. She should have known this was a possibility.”

If some women had a guaranteed baby caregiver like my niece’s Mom - a full-time nanny you could say - wouldn’t they just love it? (These wouldn’t be my favorite Moms but I know some who would love the raising done by someone else and the good times saved for them.)

And I am still the listener and shoulder. I have kept my opinions to myself despite how much I think a finer set of parents are out there for these babies. My impression of the boyfriend is that he is blown away because it was always “adoption”. He did say at lunch the other day that when he has kids he wants to raise them. Feed them. Teach them. Care for them. I think because they had only dated a short while, he is trying to be the good guy. Not even sure if it is love or fear that is keeping him close by. I respect him. He is ashamed of what he did. He knows he sinned. Most young men would walk away I think. Stats say 80% of teen Moms raise their children without the father in their lives. It will be against the odds if he does stick by. And you know what? The more I hear my God-fearing sister-in-law talk, the more I think she probably isn’t the right lady to rasie them either. I cannot believe that all the hormones are acting. Their is no real use of the head (brain) in this situation. It is getting more out of control!

But I pray. I hope he stays, but I, personally, wouldn’t hold it against him. He was led to believe they were placing for adoption - from the very start by niece and family - and now the hormones say “Change of plans!”. I truly wonder what Jesus would say here? Part of my thinks he would counsel adoption as they aren’t anywhere near mature to parent 2 babies. No finances. No education. No full time jobs. It would the price an unready Mom has to pay for being 50% responsible for having sex. And thank God they are pro-life.

 

[Anglewannabe]

And I am still the listener and shoulder. I have kept my opinions to myself .

Awesome ! That is what you are suppose to do

I truly wonder what Jesus would say here? .

With all due respect, I think Jesus would say ‘Live and let live’. You seem to be EXTREMELY emotionally involved with very strong opinions. I find it baffling. I have never been an aunt, but I was 18 once and NEVER in a million years would I have taken an aunts opinion seriously on any life decisions. I honestly think it is not healthy to get so involved in this. To actually post that your brother and older niece don’t want the babies to be raised in their house because they fear the 18 year old will have it easy is just way too much detail for an aunt to post on the internet. It is the type of detail they confide in you because they need a little emotional support, but not a detail an aunt would give much though to afterwards. My concern is you will wear yourself out trying to help only to be told you have no place in this situation.

Angie

 

[Lmariethom]

Thank you Angie. I get at least 3 phonecalls from my brother a day. More from his wife and even more from my niece - as well as all her texts. All 3 personally asked for my aid - they are afraid to get professional help - be it counsellors, social workers, the adoption agency they went to and whee my niece chose a couple. I think they are stunned. And in my opinion, time matters. Any time now, 2 bsby boys will be born, and THEY need to make a decision.
They read all the documents I send them - giving choices - and they thank me because they are too strained to look for themselves. I think my sister-in-law has heard or read too many sas stories about adoption so that she now thinks her daughter will be a “basket case” for the rest of her life. In good conscience, I am the only “third party” beside the young man and his family that they communicate with. My brother feels that this could be a big mistake and
break up his family if the babies “cone home”. My sister-in-law thinks her daughter will need professional mental help if she places for adoption. Her motto for 20 years - for any issue - is “let it play out” but she now calls and says the choice - of 2 choices - they make will affect them forever. “What should we do?” All I say is “What did you feel after reading this? Or reading that?” All Christian-based reading.
Or talking with “F” (my niece). All she says is “I don’t know what to do!” So, in my opinion, when a human is asking for help, you give it. Either choice will alter their lives. It’s not like it would be easy to give twins up when they are a month old and you realize you made a big mistake. Thst you are too young and immature to raise them. That you only have $485 in your bank account. And your boyfriend still gets an “allowance”. Time is of the essence! And I counsel a decision soon based on thought, prayer, research and any help out there.
I don’t cherish my role as the “go to person” to be a listener for hours a day. But they are family. And they know I love them. Thank you for your comments. But it is my business because they asked me to make it my business. And really? This is a religious forum. Do you know where I live? Do you know who I am? No. So, I think this is a wonderful way for me to get the ache out of my heart and hear what some wonderful people have to say. Never said I was going to pass this “chat” along and tell her to listen to any poster here. This is a good place to share ideas. And because time is so important here and 2 babies are in the picture, I think our Lord would be smiling that so people are caring and sharing.
You have your opinion. I have mine. Others have theirs. God-willing, the right decision is made. So, Angie, perhaps you can pray for them? To make the right decision for them, and I believe more importantly in God’s eyes, the right decision for the babies.

 

[bstorm]

Lmariethom,

The problem is that your niece and her parents should not talk to you about how to deal with this situation, they should talk to each other. If they are unable to do so, somebody (a priest or a counselor who is not directly involved in the adoption process and will therefore be impartial) needs to facilitate the conversation. It is not a good idea for you to be the referee in this situation, because you are not impartial and you are too involved. It seems to me that you all are catholic. Perhaps you can help the three of them to arrange an appointment with a priest in their parish to talk over this situation? You could make the phone calls and set everything up for them, if they agree.

Also, raising the babies in their biological family is not a bad outcome of all of this. So, take heart. The babies will be born and they will be taken care of no matter what. Maybe they will end up being a great blessing for your niece and your entire family, a source of joy.

 

[JamalChristophr]

I was something of a crisis pregnancy- me and my twin sister, that is. I’m very glad my mom kept us, but really, God only knows what will be best for the baby. I think human wisdom falls short in these situations and the mother who is carrying the babies needs to pray very much about it and listen to what God is saying to her. She must make the final decision, I believe.

With God, All things are possible. Tell her to always keep her eyes on Christ, especially when things get rough. And pray hard for her!

 

[bitterhope]

If your niece is not 100% certain she wants to adopt her babies out then she could very well have life long suffering and heartache from doing so. Your sister in law is her mom. She knows best the pain her daughter will feel and how it will cause her to react. Living at home does not necessarily mean that she will be an unfit mom. My sister raised her baby on her own at 15 while living at home. She didn’t have my parents do it for her. Sometimes babies have a way of being excellent motivators to make a better life for their parents and help them to grow up and mature. I don’t think your niece is just reacting to hormones and that us why she wants to keep her babies. I think she is reacting to the fact that she is already a mother and has bonded to these babies that God placed directly under her heart so they could safely grow.

I was actually married and pregnant at your niece’s age. I didn’t have my twins until a few years later, but yes, as newborns twins are much more work. They do get easier as they get older though. I love having twins. I’m so glad her mom is supporting her decision no matter what she decides to do, and I pray she continues to help her daughter out.

 

[HouseArrest]

No. A woman who chooses adoption can be overruled by a birth father who wants to raise the child.

So I am not sure why you say he has no choice and the girl makes all the decisions. Aside from the glaringly obvious inability for him to legally stop an abortion, he does have say in whether or not the baby is put up for adoption.

 

[Lmariethom]

All choices are hers - abortion, or adoption or keeping. His only choice …is if she wants to place for adoption and she then loses parental rights, because she doesn’t want to raise the baby, he can man up to raise the child. He has no other rights. It is a fact.

Is thst fair? I don’t know? Tell me. What is the best option for the baby. All I am concerned about is the baby. Someone wrote recently that it is a sin to try to raise a baby with zero foundation. Food. Love. Clothing. Is that true? Is the better choice adoption?
Pray and help us, please. She is in labour.