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DarkLight
Guest
Prayers - I think that’s all we can offer at this point.
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Prayers - I think that’s all we can offer at this point.
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bstorm
Guest
I pray that everything will go well and the children will be born healthy.
Regarding the choices of the father. First, he had a choice before the babies were conceived. He is not some kind of helpless victim here and I do not understand why you are feeling so sorry for him. Second, he does have a choice regarding the adoption as he has to sign his parental rights away as well. Third, if his choices are limited, it is because he is not married to the mother of his children - a consequence of his situation. Hopefully, he will remember this and the next time he will have children he will be married.
It is not a sin to raise the babies in their biological family. On the contrary, it is a good thing. There are all indications that your niece’s babies will have all the love, food, and clothing they need in their family of origin.
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HouseArrest
Guest
I am thinking the same thing.
But you are right - no matter - what is needed here is prayers and I will offer them up for your family.
A
aloe
Guest
This.
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Anglewannabe
Guest
And that is my whole point. I think for your brother to call that often is very unhealthy behaviour. If he has an 18 year old daughter and an older child, he is no spring chicken and should be mature enough to handle this better. Most people I know would have set a boundary to limit the phone calls a long time ago.
And yes, I have prayed for the situation
R
runningdude
Guest
An open adoption, where the adoptive parents maintain a relationship with on or both birth parents might be an option to help ease heartache where there is prudent doubt.
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bitterhope
Guest
And often open adoptions cause more problems than closed adoptions. Open adoptions can be a constant reminder of what is missing for many moms. If the adoptive parents chose to stop visits and cards at some point for any or no reason it can be even worse. Adoption can be a good thing in some situations, but unless mom is 100% certain, it can and does cause long term despair.
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Lmariethom
Guest
Twins are being induced by next Thursday. Health issues for my niece and health issues for the babies. Her boyfriend just left her house after saying he will consider them “adopted”. He begged her to follow their “plan”. Promised to know them and share their existance with their “future children” when they are married after college - 4 years away. He said he will see them 4 times a year like the adoptive parents had written into their agreement. He will (I guess his family) will financially support them. He can’t understand why since the beginning she was for adoption. And all of a sudden not. He said his Mom said this happens often enough. A life grows in you and you can’t let go, even though you know a better life might be with the adoptive family. My brother is a big “suck”. Afraid to tell his church that she has changed her mind. Everyone was so proud of her decision. They all know her and her lack of maturity. In real life she is an 18 year old, but in other ways a 15 or 16 year old. God will take care of them. She said “I don’t want to lose him, but I don’t want to lose the babies.” She has made her choice. We are painting her room this coming weekend and will squeeze a crib in. What is done is done. Everyone will have to make the best of it. The adoptive family called her and said they are there if she changed her mind.
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Xantippe
Guest
Best wishes!
Regular family counseling may be in order for your brother and your niece if she is going to be parenting the kids under his roof. That might take the heat off you, come to think of it. You can always say (once you’ve already talked to him once that day), “That sounds like an important issue. Why don’t you and Suzie talk to your counselor about it?”
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Lmariethom
Guest
Thank you all. I feel I was able to share at my feelings/thoughts.
My brother, being male, never thought a change of heart was even possible. I am beginning to understand the male brain. The boyfriend, father, uncles, male friends - all are in pure shock! The women, mind you, all have said in one way or another (in a whisper of course) - “I thought this might happen.” How different we are from men. Like it is said " iIt is a woman’s prerogative to change her mind."
My only regret now is that it never crossed any of our minds that this could happen. If I had thought it through, I might have considered the possibility. Perhaps I would have been able to suggest the possibility and save so many from heartache- my family, the broken-hearted adoptive couple and most importantly my confused niece.
Her reason my sister-in-law said, is that she is afraid she will want them down the road. She feels blessed that my sister-in-law will raise them with her while she tries to work or go to school. She feels she can still have her youth and says she will fight to get her boyfriend back somehow.
There was a comment earlier about the children not becoming the victims of the young parents wishful thinking. I hope that is not the case here, but my heart is conflicted.
Bless you all and thank you for your prayers,
My brother, being male, never thought a change of heart was even possible. I am beginning to understand the male brain. The boyfriend, father, uncles, male friends - all are in pure shock! The women, mind you, all have said in one way or another (in a whisper of course) - “I thought this might happen.” How different we are from men. Like it is said " iIt is a woman’s prerogative to change her mind."
My only regret now is that it never crossed any of our minds that this could happen. If I had thought it through, I might have considered the possibility. Perhaps I would have been able to suggest the possibility and save so many from heartache- my family, the broken-hearted adoptive couple and most importantly my confused niece.
Her reason my sister-in-law said, is that she is afraid she will want them down the road. She feels blessed that my sister-in-law will raise them with her while she tries to work or go to school. She feels she can still have her youth and says she will fight to get her boyfriend back somehow.
There was a comment earlier about the children not becoming the victims of the young parents wishful thinking. I hope that is not the case here, but my heart is conflicted.
Bless you all and thank you for your prayers,
X
Xantippe
Guest
This may work out OK, but it sounds like the niece will need some more help in understanding what parenting twins will be like–she does sound very immature/delusional. Can your brother and sister-in-law meet with a counselor to hammer out a contract for niece, spelling out under what conditions she can continue to live under their roof?: curfew, school, work, childcare, alcohol, etc. They can point out to her that she is a legal adult, and they have no further legal obligations to support her, so she can either live under house rules or move out. If your brother and sister-in-law start out with high standards and high expectations initially, they can relax it as time goes on, but if it starts loose, they’ll have a heck of a time tightening it up.
I would certainly encourage that family to have an ongoing relationship with a counselor.
Best wishes!
M
masondoggy
Guest
Lots and lots of prayers for your niece and her family.
Fwiw, I know a young girl who had a baby recently when she was a* very *immature 17. This child has been a complete blessing in her life and she has stepped up to be a wonderful mom. That child will have a wonderful life. I think it’s wonderful that your niece has her moms support. I’ll bet her dad comes around once he holds that baby in his arms. I think you need to have some faith in your niece’s ability to step up and be a great mom.
Fwiw, I know a young girl who had a baby recently when she was a* very *immature 17. This child has been a complete blessing in her life and she has stepped up to be a wonderful mom. That child will have a wonderful life. I think it’s wonderful that your niece has her moms support. I’ll bet her dad comes around once he holds that baby in his arms. I think you need to have some faith in your niece’s ability to step up and be a great mom.
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MJJean
Guest
FWIW, my mother gave a baby boy up for adoption wen she was 17. She cried all day in her room on his birthday until the day she died. She regretted giving him up to the depths of her soul and she made some pretty bad choices afterward. She got pregnant again and had an abortion because she couldn’t bear to go through another adoption. She became alcoholic and had to go to a treatment facility. She had multiple attempts of suicide and had to go into a mental hospital for 6 months and then therapy for many years. I am firmly in favor of keeping children with their natural parents for the good of both unless the natural parents simply cannot possibly raise their children or are abusive toward them.
I noticed you used “labour”…not an American spelling. I assume you’re in another country? Has anyone checked into the laws there regarding child custody and parental rights? Here a father has to sign away parental rights for an adoption, yet strangely has no parental rights unless he is either on the birth certificate or has been to court to prove paternity through DNA. I would strongly advise speaking to an attorney or social worker and starting the process to prove paternity and begin child support. His parents say they will help now, but they aren’t obligated to and may withdraw their support at any time. Best to have a legally binding support order just in case.
My school friend turned Aunt…long story… had her first child at 14, went on to have 4 more children and was actually a remarkable mother.
I had my first at 18. My sister, bless her heart, had a singleton and a set of twins before she was 21. She’s now a mother of 6 total.
It’s not easy, but it’s not as bad as people say, either. Especially with a family to offer help and support.
I remember bemoaning the “lost youth” blah blah blah. Then I thought about it, really thought about it for the first time about 10 years ago.Turns out, all my childless friends were doing during that time was drinking, smoking, partying, and having random sex. Some bothered to show up to classes and get degrees, but yeah.
I grew up faster, but I was 18 and a legal adult so that’s a good thing! I spent my most energetic and healthy years chasing toddlers and missing sleep. My youth actually made being a mommy easier. I had more energy and stamina that I do now by far. Now that I’m older I have realized how much I like sleep and waking to quiet instead of screeching kiddies or sticky toddler fingers up my nose. Some of my friends are in their late 30’s and having their first kids. I laugh at them because I know what they’re going through and I am thrilled to have that all behind me.
Bless your niece and her babies. I think they’ll do just fine.
I noticed you used “labour”…not an American spelling. I assume you’re in another country? Has anyone checked into the laws there regarding child custody and parental rights? Here a father has to sign away parental rights for an adoption, yet strangely has no parental rights unless he is either on the birth certificate or has been to court to prove paternity through DNA. I would strongly advise speaking to an attorney or social worker and starting the process to prove paternity and begin child support. His parents say they will help now, but they aren’t obligated to and may withdraw their support at any time. Best to have a legally binding support order just in case.
My school friend turned Aunt…long story… had her first child at 14, went on to have 4 more children and was actually a remarkable mother.
I had my first at 18. My sister, bless her heart, had a singleton and a set of twins before she was 21. She’s now a mother of 6 total.
It’s not easy, but it’s not as bad as people say, either. Especially with a family to offer help and support.
I remember bemoaning the “lost youth” blah blah blah. Then I thought about it, really thought about it for the first time about 10 years ago.Turns out, all my childless friends were doing during that time was drinking, smoking, partying, and having random sex. Some bothered to show up to classes and get degrees, but yeah.
I grew up faster, but I was 18 and a legal adult so that’s a good thing! I spent my most energetic and healthy years chasing toddlers and missing sleep. My youth actually made being a mommy easier. I had more energy and stamina that I do now by far. Now that I’m older I have realized how much I like sleep and waking to quiet instead of screeching kiddies or sticky toddler fingers up my nose. Some of my friends are in their late 30’s and having their first kids. I laugh at them because I know what they’re going through and I am thrilled to have that all behind me.
Bless your niece and her babies. I think they’ll do just fine.
L
Lmariethom
Guest
What a personal reply! Thank you. Sounds like you have a wonderful family. My niece would feel good knowing a woman like you! There must be so many out there.
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Joie_de_Vivre
Guest
Perseverance is an important trait for a woman who aspires to prosper in this world. More women need to stick with their decisions.
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DarkLight
Guest
That was rather uncalled for.
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Joie_de_Vivre
Guest
I had to rework it within time constraints; the prior version was even worse.
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DarkLight
Guest
The fundamental problem isn’t your phrasing, it’s that a thread on a personal and difficult family situation isn’t the place to be making general commentary on women. So long as the child is cared for the mother has not done something wrong in her choice.
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MJJean
Guest
That does seem rather harsh. This young woman is making a decision that will greatly effect the lives of herself, her babies, their father, her family, his family, her future husband (if it’s not the current bf), and her future additional children should she be further blessed. If she is unsure of her choice I absolutely think she should have the option of changing her mind without censure. This is the biggest decision of her life, after all!
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Xantippe
Guest
Yes.
And it’s a heck of a lot better changing her mind now than changing her mind after the babies are born or several months after, which also happens.
I’d only be concerned that she doesn’t really understand what responsibilities she is signing up for.
A bit of wobbling is only to be expected, given the gravity of the situation and the difficulty in foretelling how well she will be able to live with either decision.
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