Best qualities in a spouse?

[chevalier]

#1 Eligible for sacramental marriage. Nothing happens without this one.
#2 Faithful to the teaching of the Church. Knowledge would be much welcome, but lack of dissent is more important.
#3 Kindness, compassion, gentleness
#4 Emotional maturity
#5 Intelligence, sense of humour

From #1 to #2 there’s not much choice and my preference is not relevant, therefore it’s not worth wondering about. Simply put, you can’t marry someone who is not eligible, point moot. For plentiful reasons it’s very difficult to marry validly someone with issues with the teaching of the Church, point pretty much moot. Then #3 covers charity to some extent and I recognise that charity is greater than faith. However, “kindness, compassion, gentleness,” I tend to see as fruits of charity rather. Additionally, a very charitable person could still be unable to marry validly for reasons such as defects of consent. Therefore, the order stays.

I then choose for #4 emotional maturity for personal reasons. I basically need the kind of stability which is offered by a person who is mature and who will not bring about too many ill surprises. Finally, intelligence and sense of humour.

This leaves me without common interests on the list. Well, that’s tough, but it’s my choice.

 

[chevalier]

Just to clarify. Emotional maturity is not the same as modern psychology books would have it. There’s more to it than stability or lack of issues or mental age. It can’t be divorced from faith or charity. Some children can be quite mature. And some mature people have heavy internal conflicts. And not all are free of issues. At the same time immature people can be quite stable and without anything close to diagnosable. Question of the month: who’s more mature, the 18 year old girl who stands up and exclaims, “but that’s wrong!” or the 22 year old one who knows better than not being on the pill already, knows there are no absolute truths and everything’s relative? Yeah.

My confessor counseled me to get married, but I’m really done with the “shopping” mentality of the online thing.

It’s not just online. And it’s well sickening. Where’s common history, where’s a mutual interest?

 

[hasikelee]

Let’s see, I chose based on faith, eligibility for sacramental marriage, ability to support a family, emotional maturity/stability, kindness.

I wanted to add that I also chose based on the dating relationship. There was a nice young man I knew a long time ago, very good qualities, seemingly practiced his faith, wanted a family, etc…but his idea was to date for the next 5 years and so long as we were engaged we could participate in everything but actual intercourse.

 

[whatevergirl]

The results are interesting!

 

[dulcissima]

This is the first time I’ve created a poll, and somehow managed to mess up the original post. So here it is:

I’ve been on a couple of Catholic singles’ websites this year, and I’ve become discouraged and cynical from the experience.

Several 40-something, never-been-married men want nothing less than a virgin.

Another 40-something, never-been-married man won’t consider a woman with kids because a child might interfere with his intended free-for-all indulgence in the marital embrace he wants after marriage. (I didn’t really want to be an object anyway )

A whole host of men don’t write back, so who knows?

And then there’s the men who are “no’s” from my perspective because they’re not eligible for sacramental marriage or they’re at the same maturity level as my four-year-old. (One actually threw a tantrum, yelling and crying, and hung up on me.)

I’m intelligent, fun, kind, faithful to the Church (a revert toward the end of my civil marriage), and relatively attractive.

How is it so hard for two people to connect on their list of what they want? Or is this just a matter of my being 40 years old? My confessor counseled me to get married, but I’m really done with the “shopping” mentality of the online thing.

God bless y’all.

Gertie (not my real name, but I like it )

I’m still in the process of seeking a declaration of nullity, so I have not posted on any dating sites. This thread did make me curious though about what might be out there. I looked at one of the larger Catholic dating sites. I checked out the men who were in my area (or within a half hour drive) and were between 5 years older and 5 years younger than me.

There appeared to one man there about 5 years older than me (I’m 41) who was actually into his Catholic faith (was a lector and attended Mass weekly). He indicated that he was not interested in having children, that he already did that, and would not consider a woman with children under the age of 12. From men I know around work, this is the vibe I get, that teens might be ok, even fun, but they have no interest in small children. I just don’t understand though why a Catholic would be so opposed to it. I think in marrying someone in their 30’s or 40’s part of being open to life is being open to the children that are already there.

Then, all of the rest of the men call themselves “moderate” Catholics and go to Mass only once a year or “rarely”. Not one I would consider to be spiritual leaders for my family. And a few of them were not open to children anyhow.

So, to me, it sounds like prospects for finding a good Catholic spouse are pretty bleak once you are not a twenty something. I’m still not going to compromise on my faith though.

 

[rpp]

There are so many things I wanted to post about this just to be humorous.

As a single man, I even had a whole bunch of opposite “I wants”, just to poke fun at what some men actually do look for, but would never admit. I wanted to mock the way that people objectify others.

By the time I finished it, I realized it was so offensive, even though everyone would know I was not serious, that I decided not to post it.

Seriously, there are many things that appeal to people. Most of those are externals.

For me, it has to be someone who can evoke in me a love for their uniqueness. So many people, at some level, look at a potential spouse for something that they can get. Love, respect, joy, sex, children, security, affection, something.

That is not the ideal to look at another person. While it can lead to happiness, such things come and go like the tide; sometimes it is high, other times low. What we really need is a different way of looking at other people.

We must first understand that another person can never be a means to an end. No. Never. We cannot use another to get something we want. That is true even when the other desires to give it to us. For even the mutual giving and receiving at this level is nothing more than a form of using another person.

A relationship based on this cannot last. When the well runs dry, when the novelty wears off, the foundation of the relationship vanishes.

We a man looks at a woman he must be aware that she is more than just a collection of parts. He must see her physical attributes, including the physical aspects of her sexuality, not as what comprises her, but only as an incomplete picture of who the person is; just an external expression; a repeatable expression. But an incomplete one. This is absolutely essential. It is essential that we never separate the body from the person.

Once a man (and a woman as well) looks at the person and realizes the body is, in many aspects repeatable, he must look for that which is not repeatable; something much deeper. This is the natural human inclination.

When we look at someone else, what we need to see is that person as a Good, in an of themselves. A Good simply because they exist and for no other reason. When we look deeply at another person, we must be aware that they are absolutely unique, just as we are. And above all, we must be aware that they have an immortal soul.

When we look at people in this manner, we begin to understand that we must desire for them the Good in a completely unselfish manner. We give because they need to receive, we receive because they need to give.

When we begin looking at people like this, we realize that we are responsible for their immortal soul. If we lead them into sin, we are not just jeopardizing ourself, but them as well; even if they willingly go along. Even if it is their idea to begin with!

The best quality in a spouse is one who will look at me and see my soul. They will see it as utterly different and unlike absolutely anyone else who ever lived or will live. She will not look at me as a collection of parts, some of which she may like more than others. Instead, she will be concerned for my soul. She will allow me help her to gain, in an unselfish manner, the best good possible, union with God. And will help me, in an equally selfless way, to gain that same greatest good.

Read Love and Responsibility by (then) Archbishop Karol Wojtija, later Pope John Paul II.

But it is still nice if we like the same kind of food, is my intellectual peer and likes the same activities. (Sorry, I had to bring this back to a less ethereal plane.)

 

[rpp]

I’m still in the process of seeking a declaration of nullity, so I have not posted on any dating sites. This thread did make me curious though about what might be out there. I looked at one of the larger Catholic dating sites. I checked out the men who were in my area (or within a half hour drive) and were between 5 years older and 5 years younger than me.

There appeared to one man there about 5 years older than me (I’m 41) who was actually into his Catholic faith (was a lector and attended Mass weekly). He indicated that he was not interested in having children, that he already did that, and would not consider a woman with children under the age of 12. From men I know around work, this is the vibe I get, that teens might be ok, even fun, but they have no interest in small children. I just don’t understand though why a Catholic would be so opposed to it. I think in marrying someone in their 30’s or 40’s part of being open to life is being open to the children that are already there.

Then, all of the rest of the men call themselves “moderate” Catholics and go to Mass only once a year or “rarely”. Not one I would consider to be spiritual leaders for my family. And a few of them were not open to children anyhow.

So, to me, it sounds like prospects for finding a good Catholic spouse are pretty bleak once you are not a twenty something. I’m still not going to compromise on my faith though.

Good for you! Wait for that annulment. I pray the tribunal renders a just decision. I am waiting for my second instance. )The first instance found my previous marriage invalid.)

You are absolutely right not to ever compromise and get someone who is not so faithful in Church teaching. That will, among other things, be a serious source of disunity.

May God bless you on your search.

 

[Gertabelle]

The best quality in a spouse is one who will look at me and see my soul. They will see it as utterly different and unlike absolutely anyone else who ever lived or will live. She will not look at me as a collection of parts, some of which she may like more than others. Instead, she will be concerned for my soul. She will allow me help her to gain, in an unselfish manner, the best good possible, union with God. And will help me, in an equally selfless way, to gain that same greatest good.

What an extraordinary post! While I enjoy a good laugh, I’m really glad you chose to share this beautiful reminder of the real purpose of marriage – to aid the other soul on their journey to heaven. I’ve had the experience once of connecting with a man as two people genuinely concerned about each other’s soul. Unfortunately, he just didn’t feel ready to date/court at the time. More’s the pity, but God will work through this as well.

Thanks for sharing your heart here, and God bless you.

Gertie

 

[Gertabelle]

The results are interesting!

I noticed that being eligible for sacramental marriage and being faithful to/knowledgable about the Catholic Church came in 3rd and 4th in the poll. I’m wondering if some non-Catholics may have taken the poll? Those two things are at the top of my list:thumbsup:

Gertie

 

[Gertabelle]

another poll where you only want to hear from singles, well, I kept my mouth shut for the first one, but hafta weigh in here in 40th year of marriage.

1. does not snore
2. plays only one sport each season
3. spends no more than 10% of take-home pay on sports
4. does not snore
5. can reason from A to B to C as in:
   foot - sock - hamper
6. does not snore
7. will either do dishes or buy a dishwasher
8. can read a shopping list written in standard English
9. understands that work happens at the workplace, not at hope
10. most important: grasps the concept that caring for your own children is parenting, NOT babysitting

Preach it, sister!

Gertie

 

[panoikei]

Oops. I went through this years ago. But I was witholding only for a faithful Catholic, only to find myself backed into a corner with a Protestant woman, whose family waa more Christian than anyone I ever knew. However, when I ran I experienced a remarkable experience that ended up guiding me to marry her anyway over the seminary.

After talking to a priest and already doubting many things I married her anyway outside the Church. I thought I wasn’t Catholic. Many years later after realizing that I really didn’t join the one true church they said they were, we both found outselves asking lots of questions that ultimately led us home to the Catholic Church … her choice initially, not really mine. I wanted Orthodoxy. Further study led me to accept Catholicism as the Church.

Virginity was not as great an issue to me since that was rare anyway. But someone from a faithful Christian family, never married, strong grounding in marriage beleif, no children, sweet, baptized were among the important things I discovered most important in my journey. Sometimes God leads us to places we don’t expect. My small ecclesial community…the domestic church…is Catholic now.

I learned a long time ago to meet the parents and see if you like that persons mom or dad depending on who you’re marrying. It’s an important realization because you won’t be young forever.

 

[Norseman82]

Why are we asking these questions anyway if, as according to some of the posts on the forum suggest, our spouses are already chosen for us and will be presented to us when it is judged we are ready for them (if at all)?

 

[dulcissima]

Why are we asking these questions anyway if, as according to some of the posts on the forum suggest, our spouses are already chosen for us and will be presented to us when it is judged we are ready for them (if at all)?

I think if God wanted to micro-manage our lives like that he wouldn’t have bothered to give us free will. I made poor use of my free will when I went out with my high school boy friend and married him when I knew I shouldn’t have. I don’t blame God for sending me the wrong husband. It was my choice.

Everything we do in life is a choice. We can’t blame God when we don’t like the outcome of our choices.

 

[Norseman82]

I think if God wanted to micro-manage our lives like that he wouldn’t have bothered to give us free will. I made poor use of my free will when I went out with my high school boy friend and married him when I knew I shouldn’t have. I don’t blame God for sending me the wrong husband. It was my choice.

Everything we do in life is a choice. We can’t blame God when we don’t like the outcome of our choices.

Actually, I was being sarcastic toward the posters in other threads who hold the view that their spouses are chosen by them and fail to recognize that they are responsible for their own choices.

Obviuosly you “get it”!

 

[whatevergirl]

I think that we should view God in all choices…our own reasoning comes into play–but we must view a person based on God’s view of what He finds best for us.

 

[CountryMom27]

Here’s what I was looking for (and found):

1. common goals - a desire to continually improve himself, to grow and develop, to have children, grow old together, live comfortably, be involved in our extended family
2. Humble, honest, true to self and family. What you see is what you get.
3. Strong faith in God, practiced regularly through organized Christian church
4. Handsome, caring, loving, affectionate, gentle, respectful.
5. Strong work ethic (goes hand in hand with desire to grow and develop, to care for family)

As for Catholicism - when I met DH, I wasn’t Catholic, but Protestant. He is Catholic. What was important to me, and to him, is that we were active Christians. We read the same bible, worshipped the same God, believed in the Holy Trinity and said the same Lord’s Prayer. We had our marriage blessed in both churches, had it co-officiated with DH’s priest, and wound up having both of our children baptized Catholic. After researching Catholicism to teach our children, I realized that this is where I wanted to be (and were God wanted me) and I converted.

I think there are greater things more important than being eligible for sacramental marriage; however, I never considered seriously dating anyone who wasn’t actively practicing their Christian faith. I had dated an athiest and two Jews before, and while I cared for them, I knew it was a short-term thing because my belief in God is so central to who I am as a person.

 

[fbl9]

for myself it is too late to answer anything mentioned in the poll,cause i am already married.and at that time was on the oustside looking in.but for me one of the most important things was her voice,she is to be the one that a person will hear for the rest of your lives together.

 

[bookish]

I marked my five in this order

• Faithful to the Church
• Eligible for sacramental marriage
• Kindess,compassion, gentleness
• Common interests
• Intelligence

The first two are just musts. Without them, no marriage is possible. I put kindness/compassion/gentless next because I think it is such a rare thing in this world, much more precious than intelligence. Kind people are radically life-changing. I’ve never met very many, but they are wonderful and in an ideal husband, kindness would be such a blessing.

Common interests is really, really important to me. I think once the romance wears off in marriage, and people don’t have things they both enjoy, the marriage can suffer. I love reading and watching movies. Having a husband who I could trade books and watch movies with and talk them over would be heavenly. It would be also nice if he liked history and traveling, then we could always enjoy vacations together. Common interests always help people bond together IMO.

Lastly I put intelligence. I’m a big snob in that I would really hope that I’d marry a smart man. I guess because since I like intellectual things (though I’m far from smart) I think that would add to our compatibility. I like to talk about things and exchange facts. It would be nice if he was as smart or smarter than me.

All this is probably why I will die an old maid.

 

[Magicsilence]

I would look for:

That they put God before me

That they are not a slob

That we find each other physically attractive

Must be intelligent enough that things like the Eucharist, or the Trinity can be discussed without blank faces

And being funny, and controlling their temper would be really important for me.

Oh, and not snoring would be great too

 

[Norseman82]

I can handle interests that are not in common if those interests do not put the marriage in jeapordy.

As far as people seeking virgin spouses - and this goes for both men and women - if the person seeking a virgin spouse is not a virgin, that person is a hypocrite, but if the person seeking a virgin spouse is also a virgin and wants to be on an “equal footing” for whatever reason, what is so wrong with that?

There is one point, though, that was not mentioned but is important to me - probably because I’ve witnessed parental loss early in life - and that is the ability to carry on in life should something happen to me. I don’t want my wife to feel she needs to get remarried just so she has someone to “take care of her and our kids” because in haste she could end up marrying someone abusive to her and/or our kids.