What I’ve found is this:
If someone doesn’t want to be with you, rejoice! You know that that’s not the person for you! You don’t want that. Meaning, its obviously not part of your fantasy/dream/image to not be wanted, and you now know how things are in this situation. Don’t let it convince you that just because this happened here that its always going to be like that with everyone and everything- if you look at the world’s successful people, they have rejections and failures before they finally made it through, but they kept trying. Every single person does in some way. The image of learning to ride a bike pops up.
You are mourning and thinking over the loss of that hope/dream/image you had in mind. There is nothing ‘sick’ about mourning the loss. The bible says that when you lose something, to take the time to fully mourn over it, but then place it out of your thoughts. When you lose your car, or lose your job, or loss of a goal in being fulfilled, there is grief. So don’t beat yourself up too much, but take a hold of the promise of a new dawn. Let yourself grieve, and grieve fully.
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Also, its silly to think there are 'mistakes' in dating. Hey, we are talking about PEOPLE here- and people are massively different in what drives them away and what makes them say 'hey' its this one!". So many dislikes and likes and combinations of such! So I don't think you made any 'mistakes' especially if you were being genuine to yourself.
Try and think of things from the others point of view too. Sometimes I think some people have a tendency to make things a lot worse than they are. What if roles were reversed? How would you feel about it, and what would you want the other to think about themselves if you were the one wanting to set aside the relationship? Most likely, they’d hope the ‘rejected’ one is not heartbroken or too terribly upset. Its true though, some people probably don’t even bother to give it a thought, but why then be too terribly upset with the loss of someone like that???! Rejoice instead! You were spared!
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Meeting new people is always a gamble. That whole "life is like a box of chocolates- you never know what you are going to get" rings true with all sorts of relationships as well.
You still are yourself. You are just in a grieving stage and it would be really hard for anyone to feel like themselves after loss. I remember thinking the same- wishing I could go back to how I was when a loved one of mine died. I didn’t like that my life had changed and I didn’t feel like myself anymore. I realized I was just rightfully grieving and would have to wait the process out. The dawn comes slowly and silently. We just have to be patient, and anticipate the arrival of a new day, full of new endeavors and new hopes and new things to learn and explore. (Hey, that’s kind of exciting, yes?)
Oh and with any sort of grieving it is good to take care of yourself. If you need days to pray, why is that ‘not necessary’ to you? The world may deem it as such, but according to Jesus via teh Gospels, its the most important thing anyone can do for themselves! Honest. Go take that time for yourself… OH, and maybe plan a retreat at a monastery somewhere to be alone, think and pray … and maybe even converse with some nuns about it.
Look, we never know how many days we have on this life. You could go tomorrow… is this really something you want to be spending so much time on? Its a choice. Sure, its difficult, but figure out first what EXACTLY it is that your heart- as you put it- wants so much from this situation and why you are holding onto it. Find out what this obsession is about, and take it to God- compare it to His Word (Holy Scripture)… see if its legit or not or what God has to say about it. Take a look at this situation from eyes from above. You know that feeling when you are in an airplane and you see for miles and things look so different, so quaint and not so bad? Do that here, with this. From above, you can see the storm and can see it will pass soon- but the person on earth in the storm may be thinking the exact opposite and having a difficult time bearing down.
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Faith is belief in things we can't see. Faith is work. ("The work of God is to believe")
Be sure not to forget to take the time to GRIEVE. Its human to feel. There is no error in that, but seek TRUTH along with feeling the feelings. Ground yourself in The One that created you. Go to Him to let Him lead you in prayer.
Oh and what you said here doesn’t sound too unusual for the typical human experience (if it was not, then there would not be so many websites dedicated to such topics- and even those out there instructing men on how to abuse women’s trust to get 'them into bed") Its just that people don’t talk about it openly. Why the world is so cold- loving means being vulnerable to being hurt. Don’t beat yourself up!
Try a priest before a therapist. Have you? You might be really surprised at their wisdom. If not a priest, try a nun. And they do it FOR FREE.
OH and also people often don’t realize the WHY of why they like a relationship or why they want in one. Some people don’t even realize it but its not the person they want, but what they thought that person provided them. Seek to be as solid of a person as you can and those areas where you really do need a compliment (another person) will become clearer to you so that you won’t fall for unhealthy lacking relationships.
I apologize for the long post. Just trying to help and hope that this trial passes for you soon.
