Best way to handle extended family who gossip?

[TotusTuusForever]

So, to make a long story as short as I can, I grew up with very toxic parents. I would be physically and emotionally abused all my life. However, I didn’t think of it as such until I moved out upon getting married. And, since abusers tend to stay abusers all their life, naturally my parents were furious when I got married and moved out. In the year following getting married, my parents did all they could to manipulate me and when that did not work I would get the brunt of their anger in vicious messages. And, when that earned them my silence, I could tell certain relatives would be extra weird on social media. They would post cryptic messages, be more chatty than usual with me, and I believe this is because my parents were using other relatives as their flying monkies in order to get info about me all the while refusing to apologize or reach out to me in any form. As of now, I haven’t seen or audibly talked to my family in over a year. And, new developments have them basically claiming our wedding gifts as their own (I’m sure to further manipulate me).
I’m ready to cut them off completely, but doing this means I have to cut off their source of info, which would be my relatives. But, this pains me especially because I have had so many memories with my relatives and love them. So, should I cut of extended family members or not? What would you do? This whole situation is very painful for me. I was sobbing last night it hurt so deeply.
Just to add, I am going to see a therapist. I’ve been waiting for one for 4 months now but my doctor was incompetent. So, now I’m in the process of getting a new doctor and therapist. Thank you in advance for any advice you can lend.

 

[Joe_5859]

I’m sorry to hear of your struggles with your parents.

With regards to your extended family, might I ask what type of interaction do you presently have with your extended family? Is it primarily through social media, or do you also talk on the phone and visit in person? Are there certain relatives who seem to be the “source of info” more than others?

If it were me, I would try to take the least extreme approach possible. In other words, I wouldn’t just cut off contact with everyone. I’d consider that a last resort. I would first reflect on whether there were certain specific people I needed to avoid saying certain types of things to. And if the primary point of contact with them was social media, I would put them on a list and exclude them from seeing the things I post. That’s where I would start anyway.

 

[TotusTuusForever]

Yes, there is one relative in particular that is especially troublesome. I only have contact with them through social media at this point, but I feel like leaving social media or restricting this person would be seen as a slap in the face to my family and will only inspire worse gossip. I feel like I’m trapped, to be honest.

 

[Joe_5859]

Do you think they’d realize you were hiding your posts from their view? You can do that in the Facebook settings without unfriending them or notifying them that this is what you are doing. From their perspective, you would just be not posting that much.

 

[Sunshineseeker]

Joe has a good idea about limiting this persons access to your Facebook, preventing them from sharing your posts and lock down your privacy settings. If this individual doesn’t respect you or your boundaries enough to limit her behavior, it may be that you need to give her an extended time out from access to you and your immediate family (especially if kids are involved). Abuse of any kind, especially physical, is a perfectly justifiable reason to distance yourself and protect your family, and having your other relatives acting as flying monkeys delivering news to your parents is hurtful. Do you have the kind of relationship with the flying monkey relatives that you can limit their social media access without them overreacting? Do they know why you cut off your parents?

 

[1ke]

I would do whatever is right for my mental health and my family, regardless of what other people think about it.

I know it is difficult to contemplate cutting off family, but you did not choose these people, you were born into relationship to them. You choose who you let in your circle. If none of them are worthy, then they will always be family but they will NOT be in your circle. Your circle is reserved for people who love and support you, who respect you and care for you, who have your best interests at heart and who uplift and share your joy and your sorrow-- not the people who cause the sorrow.

 

[TotusTuusForever]

I love them because they are family, not because I have a close relationship with them. That said, my relationship with them is superficial. If they know anything, its because my parents told them their side of things (which basically includes me being the “wayward child”). And, I feel confident that they wouldn’t believe me even if I told them (which I have no plans on doing).